Fanfiction ► Roxas Organization's Number XIII

[evilriku00]

Don't read this if you haven't played Kingdom Hearts 2












This story is written in script form


Roxas
Organization’s Number XIII
Chapter I: Join the Organization
Xemnas: Come with me. All your questions will be answered.
Roxas: Like why I have the keyblade?
Xemnas: Yes, you will soon find out if you come with me.
Roxas: I’ll come with you.
Xemnas: You are now Organization’s Number XIII. Your first mission is to defeat these enemies.
Narrator: 50 dusks surrounded Roxas. His keyblades appeared in his hands. He destroyed one. He hit one into another and they all fell like dominoes.
Roxas: Anything else!
Xemnas: No. Let me introduce you to the other members.
Narrator: Eleven people in black coats appeared out of darkness. The darkness they appeared out of was a dark portal.
Xemnas: First there is me. There is Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion, Saix, Axel, Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene, and then there is you. Your first mission is to go with Axel to go to all the worlds and destroy all the heartless you can. Especially the giant heartless. Come back every other world. You will see why. Your first destination is Hollow Bastion.
Narrator: Xemnas opened a dark portal.
Xemnas: You first.
Through the dark portal…
Xemnas: Here we are in the gummi bay. Take the big gummiship.

End Chapter 1

 

[evilriku00]

please post blah blah blah blah sorry i need to make this longer or it won't post

 

[~HEAVEN~]

It would be better if you tried to do it in story form, but the story works
nice both ways. Keep it up, ok?

 

[evilriku00]

thank you ~HEAVEN~
two more posts please

 

[Shinoku]

Why did they go to Hollow Bastion? That makes no sense. They don't use gummi ships. They use the dark portal to teleport to each world.

 

[AxelLover156]

The beginning is very random to me

 

[evilriku00]

The beginning is very random to me

sorry i couldn't think of a way they could meet.and i just thought he could end up there because it dosen't tell you in kh2 where he goes

 

[evilriku00]

Why did they go to Hollow Bastion? That makes no sense. They don't use gummi ships. They use the dark portal to teleport to each world.

In kh2 it dosen't show that roxas can use the dark portal. and it dosen't matter where roxas goes because his goal is just to destroy the heartless

 

[evilriku00]

Chapter 2: Hollow Bastion
Roxas: Hi Axel i'm Roxas.
Axel: Name's Axel. Got it memorized?
Roxas: Yeah. OK. Cool! Nice ship. What'd he call it? A gummi ship.
Axel: We usually use dark portals. But we don't think you're capable.
Roxas: I am to capable.
Narrator: Roxas tried to make a dark portal. It didn't work.
Roxas: OK. Maybe I'm not capable. Let's go!
Narrator: They got in the gummiship. They set off to Hollow Bastion. Hollow Bastion had a big castle. No town. Just a castle.
A little bit before they got to Hollow Bastion...
Axel: Heartless can be very easy to defeat but some can be very destructive.
But I bet that keyblades of yours can defeat them.When we fight them i will have to fight with you because it dosen't look like you fought heartless before.
Roxas: Don't worry. I think I can take'em.
At Hollow Bastion...
???: Look it's a gummiship. We didn't build a place where they could land yet.
Narrator: They landed safely right next to somebody. That somebody was Leon.
Leon: Who are you?
Roxas: I'm Roxas. That's Axel.
Leon:I'm Leon. What's with the black coats.
Roxas: It shows that-
Narrator: Axel covered Roxas' mouth with his hand.
Axel: It's a secret. Have heartless been around here.
Leon: Yeah. There's a giant one at the top of the castle. Can you help us get rid of it?
Roxas: Sure.
Narrator: Heartless weren't that hard to destroy at Hollow Bastion. They got to the top quickly.
Leon: Get ready.

End Chapter 2





Me: please post. sorry if you think the chapters are short.Please post

 

[evilriku00]

post please please please please

 

[evilriku00]

Chapter 3
The First Big Heartless
Leon: Ready.
Axel: Yeah.
Roxas: Yeah.
Narrator: A giant armored Behemoth heartless charged at them.
Leon: Our problem is we can't get the armor off. If we could just melt it.Fire.
Narrator: Fire didn't work very well.
Axel: Let's heat things up.
Narrator: Roxas started to run forward. Axel's fire melted the armor and Roxas took multiple whacks at the Behemoth. The Behemoth roared. It made Roxas fly backward. Axel used fire attacks. The wind of the roar suddenly stopped and Axel's attacks hit the Behemoth. It didn't affect the Heartless.
Roxas: Maybe you two should use fire at the same time.
Axel and Leon: Fire.
Narrator: Roxas started to charge at the Heartless. The fire hit the exact same time Roxas hit the Behemoth. The heart came out of the Behemoth.
The first Heartless boss got destroyed.
Roxas: Leon we have to leave now. Bye.
Leon: Bye.


End Chapter 3

 

[evilriku00]

someone please post please

 

[kairi20]

Its a very interesting story so far you should keep it up but can you try to make the chapters longer ?

 

[Angel Shards]

Dude, you need waaaaaaaay more description. It's just diaglogue which makes for a very uninteresting story. You need to add description of places, atmosphere, people, etc. You should say what they are doing and maybe what they are feeling. Evoke emotions.

Also, the story seems to follow no plot. Are you just writing as you're going? I suggest you write in one of your word documents at home so that you can edit/revise anything that doesn't make sense or doesn't flow.

Umm....why the hell did Leon pop out of nowhere?

Axel and Roxas seem kinda out of character.

........

 

[Mr.]

Dude, you need waaaaaaaay more description. It's just diaglogue which makes for a very uninteresting story. You need to add description of places, atmosphere, people, etc. You should say what they are doing and maybe what they are feeling. Evoke emotions.

Also, the story seems to follow no plot. Are you just writing as you're going? I suggest you write in one of your word documents at home so that you can edit/revise anything that doesn't make sense or doesn't flow.

Umm....why the hell did Leon pop out of nowhere?

Axel and Roxas seem kinda out of character.

........

OK, I WAS about to unleash a flame mass upon the writer.
But I don't feel like it right about now.
Why?

BECAUSE THE GOD-DAMNED N00BLETS MAKE THE GOD-DAMNED MISTAKES ALL THE GOD-DAMNED TIME.

I could easily, EASILY, copy and paste my flame from another N00B thread over to this one.

That's quite scary, because that thread had a completely different story from this one.

I'm very annoyed that the n00bs have taken over.
We need more LITERATE threads.

Signed,
Meta Knight - Very Angry Right About Now

 

[True_Separation]

well Mr. that's what I say reviewing lmao

ok, great authors must look at Mr., I know he won't refuse any critics (or will ya?)
\you want meh to post?/

now for the author...
you can looke at other people's fics and study
or if you're too lazy then contact the BETAs
\if you know who they are, of course/
now suggest you should close this one unless you really don't want to
and start a new fic

\no offense? /
\BAKA!/

 

[Mr.]

well Mr. that's what I say reviewing lmao

ok, great authors must look at Mr., I know he won't refuse any critics (or will ya?)
\you want meh to post?/

now for the author...
you can looke at other people's fics and study
or if you're too lazy then contact the BETAs
\if you know who they are, of course/
now suggest you should close this one unless you really don't want to
and start a new fic

\no offense? /
\BAKA!/

OK, if you REALLY want to learn...
Go to [=] In the Spolight [=]
HOMIGAWD AWESOME WRITING TIPS.

But meh, don't do this one.
You gotta learn a little bit more...
And write. WRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITE. .__.
You seem like you have potential; just practice.

...Oh, and yeah, go review my story if you want. >:3
I need all the reviews I can get, good or bad.

 

[True_Separation]

Oh yeah I have reviewed yours, Mr., but have you read my post in In the Spotlight?
\I just don't wanna spam there, coz there are already more other people who can give comment better than me, furthermore, the high-star fics(you MUST know the example lol)/

but...I'll post to yours anyway, if you want one, then

now another note to author:
see? you have potential to write a good fic, you just need practice and don't forget...EXPERIENCE, and this is one of it

\did i sound like a priest or something?/
\well maybe, sometimes/
\BAKA!/