Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts: The Traitor Of Organization 15 (Chapter 2)
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Re: Kingdom Hearts: The Traitor Of Organization 15
A very lacklustre opening, to be honest. No emotion whatsoever in the finishing post, and even though Nobodies don't have true emotions, that's no real reason to have it missing from a scene that so needs it to convey the gravity of the situation. Aside from Demux dying, there's nothing really all that interesting in this opening, which is also too short.
In the first chapter, you've neither managed to have a short post that grips the reader, or a long one that explains well the background and the events unfolding.
Having ["words from someone" "words from someone else"] really just looks bad when you read it. There's little explanation of who said what, or how they said it, or how the characters reacted.
Xion was never really considered a member, so listing her as Organization Member Number XIV is a bit iffy, but saying there's a fifteenth member, especially one considered an actual member, when Xion before him wasn't. If he was an actual member, he would be considered the actual Number XIV. Unless you want to clarify that this happens in a slightly alternate timeline to the canon of KH, you've dug yourself into a serious rut. 358/2 Days happened in real time, so if he was actually there, we would have seen and heard of him. It's not like Days was just Roxas running over memories. How you rectify this without pulling the 'alternate timeline' card may be interesting.
A lot of the speaking was awkward too. Xion announcing Demyx's death, with that pause there, felt more like melodrama than anything genuine. Both the speech and what the narrator describes happen as though read from a shopping list, which is never good, even if it might make thijns very easy to read. Also - Roxas, Axel and Xion are the only people on the clocktower. All these times you've had, say, Roxas call after Xion and Axel literally as "Let's go, Axel and Xion." It sounds totally artificial and pointless, because there's no one else there, so there's no need to specify who they're talking to. That, and it basically sounds very, very formal, which the RAX relationship really isn't.
A prologue is supposed to be a chapter that happens before the first chapter. Your 'prologue' is but a tiny paragraph, and although vague, it inspires no real suspense or sense of mystery. Just a curious wondering of 'who is this man hunting down OrgXIII members?'
I think that's about it. I don't mean to be scathing, but they are all things that genuinely need to be addressed if this is to be a quality piece of fan fiction, or even an average one.
A very lacklustre opening, to be honest. No emotion whatsoever in the finishing post, and even though Nobodies don't have true emotions, that's no real reason to have it missing from a scene that so needs it to convey the gravity of the situation. Aside from Demux dying, there's nothing really all that interesting in this opening, which is also too short.
In the first chapter, you've neither managed to have a short post that grips the reader, or a long one that explains well the background and the events unfolding.
Having ["words from someone" "words from someone else"] really just looks bad when you read it. There's little explanation of who said what, or how they said it, or how the characters reacted.
Xion was never really considered a member, so listing her as Organization Member Number XIV is a bit iffy, but saying there's a fifteenth member, especially one considered an actual member, when Xion before him wasn't. If he was an actual member, he would be considered the actual Number XIV. Unless you want to clarify that this happens in a slightly alternate timeline to the canon of KH, you've dug yourself into a serious rut. 358/2 Days happened in real time, so if he was actually there, we would have seen and heard of him. It's not like Days was just Roxas running over memories. How you rectify this without pulling the 'alternate timeline' card may be interesting.
A lot of the speaking was awkward too. Xion announcing Demyx's death, with that pause there, felt more like melodrama than anything genuine. Both the speech and what the narrator describes happen as though read from a shopping list, which is never good, even if it might make thijns very easy to read. Also - Roxas, Axel and Xion are the only people on the clocktower. All these times you've had, say, Roxas call after Xion and Axel literally as "Let's go, Axel and Xion." It sounds totally artificial and pointless, because there's no one else there, so there's no need to specify who they're talking to. That, and it basically sounds very, very formal, which the RAX relationship really isn't.
A prologue is supposed to be a chapter that happens before the first chapter. Your 'prologue' is but a tiny paragraph, and although vague, it inspires no real suspense or sense of mystery. Just a curious wondering of 'who is this man hunting down OrgXIII members?'
I think that's about it. I don't mean to be scathing, but they are all things that genuinely need to be addressed if this is to be a quality piece of fan fiction, or even an average one.
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