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Demon Blood



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khfreak17

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Chapter 17

It was hours before we had reached our destination. There were forest-ey smells and sounds around me and i was dark, probably night-time. I heard the sounds of footsteps on wood and something being unlocked. Then a door opened and two pairs of footsteps entered through the door. Then the person carrying me went in, closing the door behind them.

"My feet are sore," whined Nori.

"Oh stop whining," somebody else said. I didn't recognise their voice. A surprised gasp came from the left of me.

"I didn't see you there Kiyoko-sama," said I think Jarlen. A rustle of cloth and the scuff of a shoe against stone. "We have brought the girl, just as you asked."

A small chuckle. "Good." There was the thumping sound of shoes on carpet. "Let me see her face."

A hand reached over and grabbed the hood over my head, yanking it off. I shook my head, making my hair fly everwhere, and surveyed the room. It was like a cabin; the walls were wood, there was a fireplace opposite the door and a staircase to the right, a giant bear rug in the middle of the room with two couches on either side of the rug, and there were decorative heads all over the walls. Nori was sitting on one of the couches with a human rubbing her feet, and she glared at me. At the bottom of the staircase was an unfamiliar man and Jarlen bowing at his feet. The man moved over to me with his arms behind his back and a quizzical look on his face.

"So... you are the infamous Asterra Ristagov. I have heard a lot about you."

I glared back up at the man. "And you must be that weird Kiyoko guy Jarlen was talking about." He knelt down in front of my face and grabbed my chin. I yanked my face out of his firm grip and hissed at him, receiving a slap that made my head turn to the side. Behind me, Kentaro gasped slightly, as if appauled that his sister got hit. But he didn't move or say a single word. I slowly turned to look at him, a hostile glare plastered on my face. My cheek throbbed and stung.

"A feisty one." An evil-looking smile crossed his face. "I'm gonna have fun with you." He turned and walked a few paces away before looking over his shoulder and sneering, "I should teach you a few manners, but that would be a waste of my time."

He scratched his chin as if in deep thought, then turned towards Jarlen, who promptly stood. Kiyoko walked over and whispered something in Jarlen's ear, making him grin madly. He nodded once and walked over to me, yanked me off the floor, and took me up the stairs.

"Where are you taking me?" I demanded. Jarlen just tightened his grip on my wrist and dragged me along after him down a hallway and into the end door on the right. He went behind me and pushed me up a circular flight of stairs. At the end was a wooden door reinforced with iron. Jarlen took a brass key from his belt, unlocked the door, and pushed me in. The door slammed shut behind me, but an iron pannel opened up, showing Jarlen's feirce brown-orange eyes.

"You stay in here until you learn your lesson about talking back to Kiyoko-sama. That means no soul feedings or anything." He laughed evily before shutting the pannel and walking away.
 
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Camilo101

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Feb 2, 2009
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Chapter 17

It was hours before we had apparently reached where Kentaro, Jarlen, and Nori were wanting to kidnap me to. There were forest-ey smells and sounds around me and i was dark, probably night-time. I heard the sounds of footsteps on wood and something being unlocked. Then a door opened and two pairs of footsteps entered through the door. Then the person carrying me went in, closing the door behind them.

"My feet are sore," whined a voice that sounded like Nori.

"Oh stop whining," somebody else said. I didn't recognise their voice. A surprised gasp came from the left of me.

"I didn't see you there Kiyoko-sama," said I think Jarlen. A rustle of cloth and the scuff of a shoe against stone. "We have brought the girl, just as you asked."

A small chuckle. "Good." There was the thumping sound of shoes on carpet. "Let me see her face."

A hand reached over and grabbed the hood over my head, yanking it off. I shook my head, making my hair fly everwhere, and surveyed the room. It was like a cabin; the walls were wood, there was a fireplace opposite the door and a staircase to the right, a giant bear rug in the middle of the room with two couches on either side of the rug, and there were decorative heads all over the walls. Nori was sitting on one of the couches with a human rubbing her feet, and she glared at me. At the bottom of the staircase was an unfamiliar man and Jarlen bowing at his feet. The man moved over to where Kentaro had dropped me on the ground. He stopped at where I sat with his arms behind his back and a quizzical look on his face.

"So... you are the infamous Asterra Ristagov. I have heard a lot about you."

I glared back up at the man. "And you're Kiyoko, the weird guy whom I have never met nor heard of." He knelt down in front of my face and grabbed my chin.

"A feisty one." An evil-looking smile crossed his face. "I'm gonna have fun with you."

I yanked my face out of his firm grip and hissed at him, receiving a slap that made my head turn to the side. I slowly turned to look at him, a hostile glare plastered on my face. My cheek throbbed and stung. Behind me, Kentaro gasped slightly, as if appauled that his sister got hit. But he didn't move or say a single word.

"I should teach you a few manners, but that would be a waste of my time," Kiyoko sneered. He scratched his chin as if in deep thought, then turned towards Jarlen, who promptly stood. Kiyoko walked over and whispered somethingin Jarlen's ear, making him grin madly. He nodded once and walked over to me, yanked me off the floor, and took me up the stairs.

"Where are you taking me?" I demanded. Jarlen just tightened his grip on my wrist and dragged me along after him down a hallway and into the end door on the right. He went behind me and pushed me up a circular flight of stairs. At the end was a wooden door reinforced with iron. Jarlen took a brass key from his belt, unlocked the door, and pushed me in. The door slammed shut behind me, but an iron pannel opened up, showing Jarlen's feirce brown-orange eyes.

"You stay in here until you learn your lesson about talking back to Kiyoko-sama. That means no soul feedings or anything." He laughed evily before shutting the pannel and walking away.

Alright thanks for the O.K. The story itself is very good, I just wanted to comment on the way you word some of the things, personally I think it's a little too wordy. Like this for example:

[/QUOTE]It was hours before we had apparently reached where Kentaro, Jarlen, and Nori were wanting to kidnap me to[/QUOTE]

I was confused the first time I read this, so I had to read it again. I think instead of saying they arrived to "where they were wanting to kidnap me to", you should just say something like "we reached their destination." Here's how I would've put it.

[/QUOTE]Many hours passed before we reached their destination.[/QUOTE]

The reason I would have omitted the kidnappers' names is because we already know them from the last chapter, so it seems kinda in the way to say them again. And since the rest of this chapter shows that she was brought to their place, there's no need to say "apparently."

Also, when the kidnappers are talking while the narrator is blindfolded, even though she can't see, she would still be able to recognize their voices, right? So you should probably take out the parts like "a voice that sounded like Nori." It makes sense to keep it for the unknown voice though.

Additionally, when Kiyoko goes over to the girl, you say "he moved over to where that guy dropped me." But this sounds confusing, because it seems as if he has another purpose for moving there that doesn't involve the girl. If he's going over to *talk* to her, you could just say something like:

[/QUOTE]The man moved across the room stooped over me, arms behind his back, with a quizzical look on his face.[/QUOTE]

This way, there's a better understanding that he's coming to address the girl, you see? Also...if she's never heard of Kiyoko, how does she know his name or that he's weird? I didn't read the other chapters, but I can imagine that her kidnappers would mention his name, or maybe what he does. So you could make her say, "So you're Kiyoko!" or, "You must be that Kiyoko weirdo they were talking about!" And of course that comment would go well with his follow up "You're a feisty one." Hey, in fact, if he grabs her chin, she should spit or try to bite him, or maybe just try to jerk her head away, it goes even better with his words!

I sure wanna know why Jarlen was grinning madly before he put that girl into the cell...are you gonna explain that in the next chapter?

Hope this was helpful.
 

Bellaisima358

is now a legit Black Belt in XMA.
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I really dont like when you guys dont tell me you update....


but anyways, lovely chapter, Asona dear. Cant wait for the next one.
 
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