Rated T (for language)
Characters: Riku and Sora
Disclaimer: I own everything you own.
Genre: Parody crap.
Characters: Riku and Sora
Disclaimer: I own everything you own.
Genre: Parody crap.
B n E: Breaking and Entering
"Hey, check it out bro, we're going out on a...an adventure tonight," I said gleefully into the phone as he waited impatiently for Sora to answer.
Sora's sleepy voice said in return, "Riku, w-What? I don't like adventures. Why?"
"I need you to drive and come with me." I whispered the next part, "We're doing a B n E!"
And Sora goes like this in his whiney ass voice, "Noooo! Riku, whatever you're thinking, don't do it! Riku, noo!"
I said, "Dude, you better come and pick me up right now or our fucking friendship is over forever!"
I paused for a brief minute. "I won't even talk to you in the next life. Come over, now!"
Click!!
Sora comes over and the next thing you now is, we're in the car. I demanded, "Drive around the community. I want to find the perfect house to do my B slash E."
And the whole damn time he was like, "D-dude, don't do this! W-why would you even do this?"
I spat out, "Because I need to."
"You're going to get into some fucking trouble dude," he whimpered as he drove.
"I know, I'm looking for trouble." I looked up, "Now pull over around this corner."
We looked around.
Not that house. Nope. Not that one. Er, that one feels weird.
I finally saw it.
Boom!
"That's the house right there, Sora." I lean in closer to get a better look . "I'm doing a B n E on that house."
He looked at me at started breathing all hard and shit.
He drove about 16 blocks away from the target, because you always have to park away too fucking far. And then we have to go through backyards, alright. You have to go and hop over bushes, and fences, and shit like that. It's part of the fun right. And you always have to get your shirt caught on one of those links and chains from the fences.
I heard Sora's miserable voice behind me. "Riku!!"
I stopped. "What the hell do you want now, damn it?"
He whimpered some more like a retard. "My favorite shirt got caught!"
I snort. "Well you shouldn't be wearing your favorite shirt on a fucking B n E! Wear you're second favorite shirt, ya dunce."
Any fucking way, we get up to the house. And there it is right in front of me. I'm not going to lie. My heart was like: boom ade baba boom.
...I have an irregular heartbeat, that's what that is. You see, it's a hole in the---never mind.
My hands were a little clammy and I started walking up that walkway, ready to do it. I'm going right through that fucking front door.
I turned back to Sora. "You ready? You ready to do this?"
And he whispers, "Wait, wait!" He flaps his pale hands around like a fussing kid. "Dude, I hear a car."
I said, "Yeah, the world is full of them."
He stared at me confused.
"You're going to hear a lot of them for the rest of your life."
There was a short pause between us.
I broke the eerie silenc again cuz the shit head was speechless. "If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit. Then I'll stop."
I get to that door and I'm three steps away. My heart is racing. I step up one, two, three then I stop. Ok, I stop for a second and I'm like, "Wait, I don't know if I can do this."
Then, Pua! I kicked that fucking door off its hinges. That door flew into the darkness of that home.
Whooshhh.
And I felt fantastic.
But here's what happened. The second my foot connected, and that door flew in, I took two steps into the house. Then I realized at that very moment, I did not want to do a B n E.
No. I just wanted to kick a door in. I was still so jazzed up about the door kick, that there was a closet right there and I kicked that shit down too.
Whoo! I had to do it. And then I turned to Sora and I go like this, "Heyy, let's get out of here."
And Sora's like this, "Yeah! yeah!"
Then we left. We cheesed it out of there.
I left and I'll tell you right now, I never took anything. I took two steps in, did the two kicks in, then I fuckin' booked.
But from time to time, I'd think about it. Even right now. And you know what...
I should have stolen something. Yeah, yeah. No, not because it's cool to steal or anything like that, but it's because I start thinking about that family. I..I think about it phycologically, what have I done to this family.
You follow me? They're going to come home, right? After a long night; they're having a long dinner and then they see that, when they come home, their front door has been kicked in.
Husband, wife, daughter, adopted son Roxas.
W-what has happened, is what they'd think.
And the father always has to get angry out of love for the family.
He'd be like, "Wait, wait here! Wait!" as he fans his hands at his family to stop. And if they take one fucking step closer, he'd turn more red and go "WAIT WAIT WAIT!"
Then he'd go in that house and look around. And that poor family. Everyday, they'd stop what they're doing and look at each other and be like, "What the fuck did he take? I wanna know!"
And the husband would say, "And why the hell would he kick the closet door off? There's not even a locking mechanism on it! Why?"
That would just fuck them up mentally.
Then he picks up the remote and says, "You think he replaced the good batteries with shitty half-ass batteries? You think that's it? ARGH! I want to know or I want a divorce and I fucking mean it!"
That must have driven that family crazy. If nothing else, you know what I should have done? I should have broken in and at least left something that wasn't there before, you know?"
They would have been like, "Nothing seems to be missing, but there appears to be a lava lamp here now."
So...
Then again, I start thinking about it a little deeper. You know what I should have done? I should've staked out that house. And every few weeks, I should have waited for that family to go out and then get out of my car and run up on that porch...
Phoosh! And bang that door down. And leave.
They come back and say, "Another fuckin door! What is going on? That is the 9th damn door this year. What is happening?"
Then he's trying to fuck with me, you know, by putting up beads on the front door this time. Beads. These ugly, hideous beads.
Well, what do I do? I run up there when they leave and yank that crap down one by one then I run away again.
The husband comes home. "The beads! He took the fucking beads!" He glares some more. "He stole the fucking beads!"
I hid behind a bush as he looks around and yells, "He's probably looking at me right now. Are you watching? Are you watching door kicker? Are you happy?"
I stare.
"Do you see what the hell are you doing to my life?" He gets on his knees and screams. "I want a divorce because of you! I did my best" he cries a little..."I did my fucking best!" His wife comes over to his side and tries to put a hand on his shoulder but he yells, "Don't fucking touch me!" He shoves her hand away.
His voice gets strained. "Are you watching door-kicker?...eh, he stole the beads. GAHH!!!"
-End-
Just a parody thingy. Tell me if you recognize this from anywhere ;p Yes,I am hell aware of the tense errors and such. That was done intentionally.
-Emo.
Last edited: