Fanfiction ► Battle of twilight town

[keyblade13]

Look my first one so dont flm plz.....


I only have prolouge need your thoughts
Proluge:
As soon as he got up he know today would be a bad day.But not This bad. I mean come on a Organization full of people who don't claim to be people to hole. After he got dressed Rikx(Rick-X)felt the earth move.When he looked outside everybody was still. Soon he rushed outside and what he saw was horrible... All of a sudden in a quick flash of light a sowrd shaped like a key was there.What...?,Rikx said.

 

[Haku]

The prologue needs alot of work there were a few typos like "As soon as he got up he know today would be a bad day", "know" should be "knew". Also make sure that you give more discriptions about the main plot to make the story more interesting when you start writing the main chapters.

 

[keyblade13]

thanks i'll right Chpt.1 Either today or tommrow so thanks.

 

[Nojerom]

hm... a little short, but slightly intriguing to say the least. i like it.

 

[keyblade13]

here we go chpt.1
It all started 2 weeks ago when the things in white appread.Stalking there prey.Almost 40 people died that week.Then the week after that presdient Tree decided to bulid a wall.To stop them from coming from the woods.That didn't work they just blasted it creating a big giant hole and this time we saw people come and attacked us. Luckliy the town hero Sly Hoerg saved them and wounded their leader and killed two of thier members. Luckliy Rikx didn't now anybody who died. Then on the dreadful morining he tasted death. On that wensday he woke up and went to the station and watied for his friend,Spryo.When Spyro got there he they just talked and talked. Hey did you join the struggle for the summer.Y'know we only have 3 more weeks untill schools.Soon they both felt the earth shake."What the..." They went outside .This time instead of the regular things in white there was a a giant one followed by million of the white creaturs."I heard the people who controlled them are called Org.13,Spyro said."I dont care what there called they better get outta here.All of sudden there was a bright white flash and a blade shaped like a key was in Rikx's hand.Wow!
Thats the end of chpt1. and to clear it up this happens before bbs.

 

[Nojerom]

hey, kid. a little advice.
SLOW DOWN.
you're rushing.
while you're rushing, you're ruining it.
sorry...
and separate it into paragraphs.
make it longer.

 

[keyblade13]

hey, kid. a little advice.
SLOW DOWN.
you're rushing.
while you're rushing, you're ruining it.
sorry...
and separate it into paragraphs.
make it longer.

Thx for the advice.(2525525252525255252525252525)

 

[Nojerom]

you're welcome dude.. just promise to make it longer.

 

[keyblade13]

Chpt.2
As soon Rixx saw the big giant white creature millons of them appread.Soon this shot a big giant red laser and knocked down Spyro.Rixx now just ran."Oh thanks,now just run away."Rixx didnt care.When he got back to station heghits he couldn't belive his eyes.Did he die and go the h-e doulbe hockey sticks. No...This cant be right.The job board was almost as messy as his room. Soon he saw sombody on the ground.He rushed over there."Are you okay?"The key....key..."What?Rixx didn't understand this."look if you need help i'll get somebody.The key.....is....the.......way.....to...darkness........please......key.......bearer...........help.Rixx thought about what he heard.Then a light went blink in Rixx's mind."key he must mean that sword i got earleir at the station."But how do i get it back.Rixx thought. Soon he swang his arm out and the blade appread.No way.He whisped.Soon the creatures in white apperead. He had to save this person.So he started to attack the creatures.After the fight was over he took a big breath.Now the man on the ground saw the keyblade and said"Open the door""To what?"Rixx asked.To....my..house."Where is your house?"Right there."Soon he pointed the blade at the door and it opend."Here you go." Now Rixx rushed back to the station the find Spyro on the ground.

 

[Nojerom]

make it LONGER...
please???....

otherwise, it's doin okay, dude.

 

[Haku]

There is still a quite bit of typos in each of the chapters, always make sure you proofread before making the final product like I've said earlier. Also make the chapters alot longer and seperate them into paragraphs instead of one huge block of text.

 

[mileycyrus13]

ummmmmmmmmm.....
that was great!

 

[keyblade13]

here we go chpt.3
As Rixx saw spyro laying on the ground all he could think of was what going on."Hey buddy get up."Spyro saw then saw Rixx."hey..can..you help me up."Sure." Rixx said. After that he Rixx told him all about the man and what he said and the keyblade."Wow alot just happend to you in thosse short minutes are you fine."Yeah" Soon after takling about the keyblade Spyro wanted to see it. "If you don't mind,can i see the blade." sure said Rixx.As soon as he showed him the blade a person in ablack hood appread. "Come..."Who" they bothed said at the sametime. "You the one with the blade what is your name."Rixx" he said as he stepped forward. You need to come with me. No,Yes,Yes,No,Yes. Fine we'll settle it with a battle. Good choice.
Soon the man pulled down his hood and threw it off.Wow! The man had brown hair and a blue shirt.
i gotta go i'll finish it later prop when i come back in about 20.min

 

[~~NeoShadow~~]

I get the storyline, but:

I think that you need to stop rushing.
And check up on your spelling mistakes and punctuation.
If you need to write speech, use it like this;
[e.g]
As Rikx saw Spyro lying on the ground, all he could think of was what going on.
"Hey buddy get up."
Spyro saw then saw Rixx. "Hey, can you help me up?"
"Sure." Rikx said.

^ Something like that.
You need to make your chapters longer, instead of one paragraph. And you need to add more description, so we know what the surroundings are like, what the people look like, etc.

Other than that, it's alright so far.

 

[Haku]

I get the storyline, but:

I think that you need to stop rushing.
And check up on your spelling mistakes and punctuation.
If you need to write speech, use it like this;
[e.g]
As Rikx saw Spyro lying on the ground, all he could think of was what going on.
"Hey buddy get up."
Spyro saw then saw Rixx. "Hey, can you help me up?"
"Sure." Rikx said.

^ Something like that.
You need to make your chapters longer, instead of one paragraph. And you need to add more description, so we know what the surroundings are like, what the people look like, etc.

Quoted for the truth.

I'm still not really seeing an improvement from the first chapter.

 

[~~NeoShadow~~]

Hmm, I guess, yeah.

They're basically all the same length.

The chapters could use some improvement.
Maybe keyblade13 would like some help, say, someone to write his chapters for him?
Idk.

Just a suggestion..

 

[Nojerom]

i'm sorry... i pretty much gave up on him... he's slowly ruining his story [no offense]
but he's not exactly taking our advice........

 

[~~NeoShadow~~]

Er..

Yeah.

But, if he tried harder, MAYBE he could write it better.

Some advice to keyblade13
Plan your story, and try to lengthen the paragraphs, now I don't mean make them like, 20 pages long (you don't wanna bore us!) just lengthen them a bit, make them about 6-10 paragraphs long or something. I don't know. But try harder to improve your story, and DON'T RUSH! We don't want MAJOR action happening too soon now, do we? Ask a mod or admin to close the thread or something. Then think about your story, plan it, and amaze us!

You can do it if you really try!
^ Oh God I sound like my dad >.<

 

[keyblade13]

i'm sorry... i pretty much gave up on him... he's slowly ruining his story [no offense]
but he's not exactly taking our advice........

sorry my coumputer is acting all funky when i try to make paragrahps it's getting fixed tomrrow.

 

[keyblade13]

It finaly got fixed and i have writers block crap....