Fanfiction ► You Promised......

[dark_dutchman]

^^ same here

*words to make posts longer*

 

[lv_kh0720]

BUT one thing annoying me, will you please put the commas in order lol

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

BUT one thing annoying me, will you please put the commas in order lol

Sorry!Its cuz I have alot of things going on at the momant so you no, I cant keep track of EVERYTHING i do.......and im SOOOOO sorry i havent been on for ages!

 

[Ziphiroth]

... dutchman... if they dont call me back by today... i dont got it. but i can hope.. lol but anyways.. i hope they do hire me.. and no i wanna be the fry cook lol

 

[dark_dutchman]

hope they call ya
*words to make posts longer*

 

[Ziphiroth]

lol dutchy... they didnt call but i hope subway does lol they said about 2 days...

 

[dark_dutchman]

i knew they wouldn't call. MCdonalds feels they're too big for someone like you, but go protest and they'll shoot you with a tranquiliser gun (trust me, i know) >.>

 

[Ziphiroth]

LMFAO! i should do that... i wonder (gun or tranc) lol

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

.................ok it seems everyones only coming on here for there own chatroom

 

[Keyblade_King]

nah we're just waiting for the next chapter.

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

nah we're just waiting for the next chapter.

oh ok!I dun nom when it will be up cuz i have to think it up first.......

 

[dark_dutchman]

as long is it's good, i can wait

 

[Ziphiroth]

damn you KH_Fan... lol be lucky Mr. hasnt come on here yet LoL am i right Dark Dutchy? lol she would so be devastated by what he would probably say lol

 

[dark_dutchman]

i dunno, i think Mr. has loosend up after he met us.

 

[Ziphiroth]

ya.. lol i think he's starting to like me

 

[dark_dutchman]

we don't need information about your ***life Zi >.>

 

[Mr.]

I heard that. >__>
And just for that comment, I'm not going to flame, but I'm giving crit that will bend the minds and crush the hearts and souls of all who read it.

OK.

First of all, it is the shortness of the chapters that irks me.
Literate authors and readers will read long chapters and savour them, rabidly wanting more until their eyes burst out of their heads and their spleens explode for too much awesome-ness.
Now, I know the excuse is, "BUT PEOPLE LIKE SHORT CHAPTER BECAUSE WE R LAZY", but that is no reason to tone down the length of your chapters.
Length = pwn for the literate fanfiction writers.

Second of all, the over-all style is...ehh.
I mean, the plot is clunky, the action and other such things don't flow, and over-all, the dialouge and descriptions need work.
You need to PRACTICE. A lot. (This is not an offensive comment, so do not flame.)

And finally, don't refer to Roxas as Kaze.
Use his real name, if that even is Roxas.

 

[dark_dutchman]

convert your eyes, children!! that man is the devil!!

you can't hurt me even if you try. i have soul nor heart

 

[Mr.]

convert your eyes, children!! that man is the devil!!

you can't hurt me even if you try. i have soul nor heart

But you have a body. >=D
And thus, I shall harm that with mah truck.
*truckrams Dark Dutchman*

*pokes review above*

 

[dark_dutchman]

i'm so sick of that truck (happened before). why doesn't anybody tries something original

P.S.: please stop poking my posts, i'm running out of signs that says that Cerberus is guarding them