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Fanfiction ► You Promised......



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KH_Fan_4_eva

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Thanks everyone! I remember when i first started writing this it was in a tescos notebook lol and I remember i took it on camp and told my roomates NOT to read it and my friend Demi started reading it when i was talking to someone and said it was good but i got well angry with her!

So thanks everyone for saying its good and everything!
The chapter will come soon and its gonna be a Kairi one ok?
 
A

Audo

Guest
Personally, I think it sucks.
Your chapters are like two paragraphs long, they are more like a scene then a chapter. Plus you have HORRIBLE Grammar and... have you EVER heard of SpellCheck?
This story needs serious work.
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Oh well Sorry! If you think its sucks then get the hell off my fanfiction! I no I dont have the best grammer in the world! Oh yeah and I dont no where the spellcheck is! and I cant do It on my word cuz the spellings gone all crap! And who cares if my chapters arent long? I TRY! and If you hadnt noticed....THIS IS MY FIRST FANFICTION!!!!!!!
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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:D Sorry about my last post.........Ive learnt to handle my anger but I still do have my momants lol! Well Ill do a chapter in a bit....Well when someone posts cuz I dont want to double post!
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Sorry I havent posted its cuz no one ever talks on here now so I always wait till someone says something and no one does so im stuck waiting cuz I dont want to double post! Ill try not to double post after this!

Chapter 16: Cold Feet

Kairi stared into the mirror.........She looked Beautiful in the dress........But she hated it.
Y'know why?
Because It was given to her by Toby for there wedding.
It was an beautiful dress that look lovely on her..........It was a light pink strapless dress that went all the way to her feet, she had pink gloves to match the dress and a silver tiara with a Pink jewel in it. On her feet she had baby pink high heels.

The girl next to her who had done her all up asked in a small wisper "What do you think?" As if she was scared Kairi would smack her or something.........Working for Toby I wasnt surpised she was so scared!

Kairi turned to her "Its Lovely! Whats your name anyway your brilliant with sewing you should teach me some time! Im so bad one time I almost sewed my finger!

The girl smiled "Im Lauren, and thank you......No one has ever said anything as nice as that before!" Kairi smiled back at her.

"You wanna no something?" Kairi said looking back at the mirror. "I hate Toby with all my heart......But still..........I have to marry him."

Lauren Frowned "Yeah I no what you mean..........No one in his Kingdom likes him!"

Kairi giggled "Say how about I get out of this and into something more....me, and we go shopping!"
Lauren smiled " That would be great! Only one problem Toby wont let us out....". Kairi smiled "I think I can get round him...."

~::..::Later::..::~

Lauren and Kairi ran down hallways untill they were outside Tobys Study, Kairi knocked on the door, she then walked in, Lauren right behind her.

Toby was sitting in a chair, with a laptop on his lap, he looked up when he heard a noise. He smiled when he saw Kairi, "Ahh, what can do for you my love?". Then he saw Lauren, he frowned "You! Get out!" Laurens face dropped as she started to walk out.

"Wait!" Kairi shouted. Lauren turned around and smiled "I came to ask
if me and Lauren could go shopping together!"

Toby thought for a minute "Your not going to run off are you?" Kairi looked at him "I hardly no where anything is! How im I going to leave if I dont no where to go?" Toby thought again "OK" he said, Lauren and Kairi cheered "Heres some munny" Toby handed her 5000 munny.

"WOO HOO!" Kairi screamed as she ran down the hallways, Lauren a little behind her.

As they ran they could hear voices "Whats that?" Kairi said stopping. "I dont no, Lets go see!" Kairi smiled and ran towards the voices.

She stopped when she saw a crowd of people........Sora one of them.

"Sora?" Kairi said as Sora turned around she screamed "SORA!" and ran at him.

Sora screamed "KAIRI!" As Kairi jumped on him he smiled.

Kairi got off him and he stood up, Kairi gave him a hug as soon as he got back up.

After a little while of Kairi hugging Sora she could hear someone walking down the hallway.

Next thing she knew The blonde boy that was with them, The Blonde girl (who was also with them), Riku and Sora were all in a net and Toby was next to her.

"Well thank you Kairi! You helped me catch those pesky idiots! They have been trying to get out the castle for some time now and Ive got a little sick of it!" Toby smiled.

"Kairi how could you do this?" Sora wispered as a tear fell down his cheek.

"I didnt!" No one was going to belive her. "And now we have some guests for the wedding!" Toby said knowing how much this hurt her and Sora.

"Kairi.........A wedding? With Toby? I thought you loved me......" Sora said as tears flowed down his face.

Kairi Fell to the floor in tears " I-I D-D-Do L-Love You S-Sora!" She screamed.

"Then why are you getting married to someone you said you hated?!" Sora screamed as the tears started to get his clothes wet.

"I-I-It W-Wasnt Me! H-He M-Made M-M-M-Me! I D-Do L-L-Love Y-You!" Kairi screamed banging the floor.

"Lauren take Kairi away" Toby said to Lauren who was in shock of what was happening around her......It had happened so fast she couldnt keep track what was happening, even so she walked forward and picked kairi up and lead her away by her arm.

"S-S-Sora I D-Do L-L-Love You T-T-Though!" Kairi screamed as she was dragged away.

Before he was out of view she heard him say "Yeah.....Right"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
I tried to make this one sad, if it wasnt very good Sorry!
 

giuocob

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I'm going to give some constructive criticism for this.

First of all, I acknowledge that this is your first fanfic. And with that it mind, it's not bad at all. It certainly is a lot better than many of the other fictions on this site...but it could use some work. While Riku-Keyblade didn't have to criticize you in that tone, he did make a valid point.

Lately, your chapters have been a reasonable length, but in the past some have been incredibly short. You shouldn't publish a chapter if it doesn't at least fill up the whole screen.

Now, there are some things that really bug me about it. First of all, your grammar and spelling are truly atrocities. You need to type this out on Word first and paste it into the forums, instead of just typing it up here. If you can't take the time to make your story look good, you shouldn't be writing it at all.

Next, your abuse of the exclamation point makes me cringe. I couldn't find a single non-interrogative quote that did not use it. You need to use it a lot more sparingly.

Third, and most important, your characters have no character. It's true for all of them, but let's focus on Sora in the last chapter. Why the HELL would he give Kairi no thought when she was literally being dragged away, screaming at the top of her lungs? And, while we're talking about Kairi, why does she 'smile' all the time, even in the saddest situations? You've got to make some personality for the characters, or adopt the personalities advocated in the games, and stick to them.

However, the plot is pretty good, so make those changes. Spend about twice the amount of time you have been writing this, and it could be very good.
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Jan 6, 2006
Messages
425
I'm going to give some constructive criticism for this.

First of all, I acknowledge that this is your first fanfic. And with that it mind, it's not bad at all. It certainly is a lot better than many of the other fictions on this site...but it could use some work. While Riku-Keyblade didn't have to criticize you in that tone, he did make a valid point.

Lately, your chapters have been a reasonable length, but in the past some have been incredibly short. You shouldn't publish a chapter if it doesn't at least fill up the whole screen.

Now, there are some things that really bug me about it. First of all, your grammar and spelling are truly atrocities. You need to type this out on Word first and paste it into the forums, instead of just typing it up here. If you can't take the time to make your story look good, you shouldn't be writing it at all.

Next, your abuse of the exclamation point makes me cringe. I couldn't find a single non-interrogative quote that did not use it. You need to use it a lot more sparingly.

Third, and most important, your characters have no character. It's true for all of them, but let's focus on Sora in the last chapter. Why the HELL would he give Kairi no thought when she was literally being dragged away, screaming at the top of her lungs? And, while we're talking about Kairi, why does she 'smile' all the time, even in the saddest situations? You've got to make some personality for the characters, or adopt the personalities advocated in the games, and stick to them.

However, the plot is pretty good, so make those changes. Spend about twice the amount of time you have been writing this, and it could be very good.

Yeah I no im pretty bad at grammar is really bad, Ill try and fix my word today and Ill work on trying to get the chapters longer. And I no there pretty OOC but it's because I think there a bit boring so I wanted to like "spice" things up a bit!

And thanks, when most people complain about how bad my grammar and things they are REALLY horrible to me about it and you are the first one who has been nice to me but complaining at the same time! So thanks :D
 

princess namine

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Hey eva i dont care what they say i think that this is a pretty good story. im also writing my own fanfic(i have written in a note book)i would like to know how to start a thread. by the way great chapter and write the next chapter soon please
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Jan 6, 2006
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425
Yeah I will ^_^ Just thinking of a good chapter.....You did no Ill have to end It soon didnt you?
 
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