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BlackOsprey

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re: Finally completed my horror story [Mature]

I would comment on the story stuff, but grammar tends to distract me. Gotta address that before anything else.

First, when you got a sentence in quotations, you always gotta punctuate it. Like so: "This kind of thing is important," I thought as I typed away, "You need to put the comma in the quotations." When a character asks a question, it'll look like this: "What kind of good example should I use for this?", not "Why am I using my random thoughts as examples now".

Then, you have a problem of constantly switching tenses. It seems like you're trying to stay in the present tense (she sees, she hears, she screams) but you randomly switch to past tense (she saw, she heard, she screamed). Decide on what tense the narration uses and keep it consistent, or you'll end up with a choppy narrative.

Ah, alright... enough with the grammar. So, uh, the story. There's something I'm not feeling in the narrative... you need a little more atmosphere, especially since this is a horror story. For the most part, you do a good job of describing actions, but it sometimes feels like it's just a sequence of events. Fortunately, you varied your sentence structure enough that it's not "This happened. Then this happened. That happened.", but I'm not getting a good feel for the scenes you created. Doesn't help that my Grammar Nazi senses keep distracting me, of course...

Small note on something that caught my eye: “This could go well as a knife handle for one of my knives” Kinda redundant here, since knife handles tend to be meant for... knives. Maybe omit "for one of my knives"? There are a couple things like this throughout the story, but I don't have enough time to point em all out right now.

So first, go over, proofread, and fix some grammar. Then the nitpicking on finer points can start.
 

KingdomKey

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re: Finally completed my horror story [Mature]

Holy diddly was the end the most horrifying part of all. I was biting at my fingernails with how gruesome it got. Definitely a good horror story, but I agree with some of what BlackOsprey said above. However, you might want to space out the large bits of text as well. Another thing would be to put an "Mature" warning above to not frighten youngsters that are 12 or younger. lol. I say bravo for this horrifying story. I guess the wonderful catch about this is that we have no idea what Ariyah did to whoever Nightmare is. I wonder if Nightmare is a former friend, her sister, or a loved one. Lots of questions to say the least. C: And I was quite entertained!
 

Viltic

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Aug 19, 2015
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I would comment on the story stuff, but grammar tends to distract me. Gotta address that before anything else.

First, when you got a sentence in quotations, you always gotta punctuate it. Like so: "This kind of thing is important," I thought as I typed away, "You need to put the comma in the quotations." When a character asks a question, it'll look like this: "What kind of good example should I use for this?", not "Why am I using my random thoughts as examples now".

Then, you have a problem of constantly switching tenses. It seems like you're trying to stay in the present tense (she sees, she hears, she screams) but you randomly switch to past tense (she saw, she heard, she screamed). Decide on what tense the narration uses and keep it consistent, or you'll end up with a choppy narrative.

Ah, alright... enough with the grammar. So, uh, the story. There's something I'm not feeling in the narrative... you need a little more atmosphere, especially since this is a horror story. For the most part, you do a good job of describing actions, but it sometimes feels like it's just a sequence of events. Fortunately, you varied your sentence structure enough that it's not "This happened. Then this happened. That happened.", but I'm not getting a good feel for the scenes you created. Doesn't help that my Grammar Nazi senses keep distracting me, of course...

Small note on something that caught my eye: “This could go well as a knife handle for one of my knives” Kinda redundant here, since knife handles tend to be meant for... knives. Maybe omit "for one of my knives"? There are a couple things like this throughout the story, but I don't have enough time to point em all out right now.

So first, go over, proofread, and fix some grammar. Then the nitpicking on finer points can start.
Thanks for the advice, i'll make sure to fix the errors you pointed out in my story. :)
 
Last edited:

Viltic

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Aug 19, 2015
Messages
5
Re: Finally completed my horror story [Mature]

Holy diddly was the end the most horrifying part of all. I was biting at my fingernails with how gruesome it got. Definitely a good horror story, but I agree with some of what BlackOsprey said above. However, you might want to space out the large bits of text as well. Another thing would be to put an "Mature" warning above to not frighten youngsters that are 12 or younger. lol. I say bravo for this horrifying story. I guess the wonderful catch about this is that we have no idea what Ariyah did to whoever Nightmare is. I wonder if Nightmare is a former friend, her sister, or a loved one. Lots of questions to say the least. C: And I was quite entertained!
Thanks, glad you liked it and thanks for the advice. :)
 

Viltic

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Aug 19, 2015
Messages
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Re: Finally completed my horror story [Mature]

Midnight
Ariyah starts to walk home after school, back to her house. Clouds where covering the sun to block out the light, making Ariyah think it’s about to rain. The cool breeze starts to appear through the air, the trees start to blow past Ariyah. As she is walking down the street she noticed that her head started to hurt with blur visions erupting in her mind, but Ariyah tries to shrug it off. “How come the streets are so empty?” Ariyah questioned in her head. After walking for a couple more minutes down the same street, Ariyah finally sees her house across the street. Ariyah’s house looks like a normal Arizona rental house in her eyes but everybody begs to differ. Adding on to that, Ariyah’s house isn’t actually her house but in reality her parents house, but she doesn’t know where her parents went so she was under the impression they abandoned her so she calls it her house now.
Plus they left everything behind including money to pay the house for at least six months minimum. But something caught Ariyah’s eye while she looked through the window of her house, Ariyah could see a shadow like figure standing inside her house looking out of the window toward her. Ariyah squints to get a better glimpse of what it is, but she can’t make out what she sees. Then the shadows moved so quickly away from the window it makes what Ariyah just witnessed seem unreal.
“It’s probably just my eyes playing tricks on me”, she says while wiping her fingers back and forth across her head continuously.
Ariyah stilled continued to walk to her house despite what she just witnessed. When Ariyah got to the front door, she pulled out her keys, put the key in the keyhole and turned the keys to the right but the door wouldn’t open.
“What?” Ariyah says to herself under her breath.
She turned the key again, and again, and again, until the door finally unlocked and invited Ariyah in. In the house, there is heart pine hardwood flooring. Every time Ariyah walked in the house she would need to go through the loft, go straight and when you get in the living room and look left and there would be a small kitchen with an island countertop and to the right there would be a wall with the light switch and the pantry. The living room and the kitchen were combined. Past the living room was a hallway, to the left of the hallway there was the master bedroom, to the end of the hallway to the right of the wall, there is a bedroom that is locked that used to be Ariyah’s. Toward the straight end of the hallway there was the washing room that led to the garage. As Ariyah is starting to get settled down from school in the loft. She’s startled by some sort of whistling sound coming from the kitchen.
Walking toward it slowly, Ariyah sees that it was just a steaming pot on the stove. As Ariyah turns the range knob to the left, turning off the flames under the surface elements on the stove, multiple questions start to arouse in her head.
Questions keep surfacing in Ariyah’s head, “I don’t remember putting this pot on here, how did the stove turn on by itself, did someone break into the house, why didn’t the door unlock the first time when I put my keys in the door knob, maybe it was that shadow, shadow…the shadow?”, Ariyah starts to say silently “No, no it couldn’t be, what I saw had to be a coincidence.”
Ariyah exits out of her kitchen and enters the living room. When she enters the living room and sits down on her couch, Ariyah’s TV randomly turns on in front of her. The crackling of static on Ariyah’s television makes her jump to her feet. A double voice scream began to emerge from the static on the TV. The volume starts to turn all the way up, forcing Ariyah to scream and cover her ears.
With all Ariyah’s might, she is screaming, “MAKE IT STOP!” in a terrified voice over and over again.
Until in an instant, the TV turns off and everything started to calm down. Ariyah quickly sprints down the hallway into the master room and locks the door. After about twenty-three minutes of curling in a ball and rocking back and forth, Ariyah decided that once she opens the door, she’d make a break for it toward the front door. Ariyah walks toward the master bedroom door and puts her hands slowly on the door knob. She begins to count in her head to get herself ready. One…two…three! Ariyah swings the door open but she stops in her tracks after the first step. Everything is different; the hallway is different, almost like Ariyah opened a portal into someone else’s house.
This hallway was like a flat upside down “L” in Ariyah’s point of view. It had cracked wood floors that creaked every time you stepped, cracked walls that looked like they were made out of concrete, and a twitching light bulb on the ceiling that swung back and forth. There was a dresser on the left side of the wall that was pointed toward the right end of the hallway.
“What is this? Why am I here! I didn’t do anything to you whoever is doing this!” Ariyah yells out while trying to fight back her tears and wrap her head around what see is witnessing.
She quickly disregarded the change in interior and still went with her plan which was to sprint toward the front door. Ariyah hasn’t run so fast in her life. When she gets to the right end of the hallway, she sees the front door in the middle of the left side of the wall. The door front door white with a door knob painted with copper. While Ariyah quickly opens the door and closes it behind her, she closes her eyes wishing that everything would turn back to normal. But when Ariyah opened her eyes she was shocked to find out that the door lead to the exact same hallway from where she started from.
Ariyah begins to cry out “No, no, no, no, this hallway can’t be an endless loop!” while she turns around to try to open the door she just came through but it wouldn’t budge.
Ariyah then starts to use her left shoulder, hitting it against the door with all her strength. Ariyah kept using her shoulder to bust down the door until it eventually dislocated. She fell to the floor on her knees, which is when Ariyah initiated to scream and cry in an anguish and agonizing pain. She continued to scream and cry for a couple of minutes until Ariyah finally tried to stand up. As Ariyah is trying to walk slowly down the hallway, she is using the right wall to help her balance herself. While Ariyah is yelling grunts of excruciating pain, she starts to sweat, feel nauseous, lightheaded, and weak. Ariyah starts to vomit on the floor while trying to not move her shoulder as much as possible, but Ariyah noticed that her vomit was actually blood she was spitting out. The blood came out in a dark red color.
Her stomach began to burst in extreme pain, her vision started to get blurry, and her skin became cold to the touch. Ariyah fell to the floor, screaming while the blood still pouring out of her mouth because her dislocated shoulder hit hard on the floor. She lost all feeling in her body shortly after. Before Ariyah’s eyes got hazy, she saw someone foot step in front of her but, even though she couldn’t look up to see who it was, Ariyah felt like she knew the shoes of the person it belonged to but couldn’t remember. Then Ariyah eventually blacked out. When she woke up, Ariyah appeared in a door less room with seamless smooth stone walls and a twitching light bulb hanging on the ceiling over a dresser in the middle of the room. The exact same dresser that was in the hallway Ariyah was previously in. This dresser was made out of dark brown wood, there were only two droors, and the droor handles were rusty cast iron drawers.
Ariyah also noticed that all the pain from her body went away, all of her nausea, sweat, weakness, light headiness, cold skin, vision blurriness, and her stomach pain went away, plus on top of that, Ariyah’s dislocated shoulder was back in the right place.
But instead of saying “Thank goodness everything in body went back to normal,” she instead said “Was that an illusion?” or “What just happened?”Under her breath “And Who was that person that stepped in front of me?”
While Ariyah still continued to ask questions to herself, she slowly walked over toward the dresser to see what was there. There was a telephone and a digital clock on top of the dresser. When Ariyah looked at the clock, it was eleven forty-one pm. The telephone didn’t have any buttons so Ariyah couldn’t call for help. Ariyah then decided to open the left droor to find a picture in a horizontal black frame. The picture had two girls, probably in their mid teens, shoulder hugging each other. Ariyah picked up the picture to get a closer look. The girl on the left had white hair like snow, her hair covered her left eye with a Googims cap on her head, dark blue eyes with eyeliner, and a dark blue hoodie with a gray shirt and jeans.
Ariyah feels like she recognizes this girl. A faint memory keeps trying to form in Ariyah’s head but the memory disappeared before Ariyah could think who that girl is in the picture. When Ariyah looks to the right of the picture, it is scratched on the right girl’s face so she is unrecognizable. Ariyah puts the picture back in the left droor and closes it. Then out of nowhere, the telephone begins to ring which startles Ariyah. More questions began to erupt in her head again, but Ariyah ignored them thinking maybe this call was her ticket out of this mess. She picked up the phone slowly and put it toward her ear.
Ariyah wanted to say the first word so she said “hello,” Ariyah says in a formal manner.
“Open the right droor,” the mysterious person said in a double voice.
Ariyah’s hands began to shake tremendously when she heard that, but she thought if she didn’t do what the person asked she wouldn’t get out of here alive. Ariyah opened the right droor discovering a folded piece of paper laying in the droor.
“Open the paper,” the mysterious person said. Ariyah picked up the piece of paper and opened it.
What she found was something unexpected; the paper said “You killed me”. Ariyah’s hand trembling now shot all the way through her body.
“What…how did I…how could I…this doesn’t make any sense,” Ariyah said in a terrified voice.
Ariyah began to hear cranking noises around her. It was the left and right walls, they were closing in on her, and she had nowhere to escape. This isn’t a room, this is a death trap.
Ariyah began to screech saying “No, please, please, please, this can’t be happening!” and so on.
She rushed toward the walls trying to see if there was a button to stop the contraption. Ariyah then saw an exit randomly appear on the back wall that wasn’t moving; she could see the streets with cars passing by and people walking on the side walk, emitting light throughout the room. Ariyah ran toward the door almost like life extended its hand, giving her a second chance.
Hoping somebody would hear her, Ariyah kept yelling out, “Hey Mr., please, anybody!” and foul language kept appearing in the middle of what she was saying.
The more Ariyah ran toward the exit, the more the walls were about to crush her. Ariyah was now beginning to shimmy her way because she was running out of room. Shortly after, walls were pressing against her body.
“Come on, I’m almost there!” Ariyah yells. Ariyah’s left arm reached out of the exit but it was no use.
The walls crushed every bone in her body and her arm flew through the exit. Blood was rushing all over the place. Suddenly, Ariyah wakes up strapped to a chair in a dark room with only one light shining over her. She looks over toward the right to see torture tools sitting on a table next to her. Ariyah starts to wail and tries to break out of the chair. But shortly after, Ariyah is interrupted by a sudden clapping sound in front of her. A slow and sarcastic clap if you think about it. A mysterious woman appears out of the shadows in front of Ariyah. The woman had a mask with intimidating eyes and a smile that greets your death, hair that was jet-black covering one of the left masks’ eyes, and she wore a red hoodie with the hood over her head with jeans.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Ariyah Cheverly,” the woman says, “I didn’t think you would make it this far”. Tears began to fall from Ariyah’s eyes while she started to tremble again.
But Ariyah feels like she heard that voice before. “So you’re not going to say hello, well that’s rude of you”, the woman says.
“How do you know my name”, Ariyah was trying to say but it seemed like her voice escaped her body.
“Wow! I think I might have gotten in your head to much considering this was a test run”, the woman says casually.
“Test run?” Ariyah asks.
“Never mind, I think I’ll just spill the beans and explain everything to you”, the woman says in a friendly manner. The woman went and pulled a random chair from the darkness to sit in.
“Eh, maybe I’m not going to spoil the story, I’ll let you remember that, but while I was messed up in the head, I developed powers that allow me to get in people’s heads and create illusions.
“Powers” Ariyah said confusingly under her breath.
One question popped in Ariyah’s conscience, and that was “Why is this woman striking a normal conversation with me instead of killing me already?”
Suddenly the woman said “My name is Nightmare”
”Anyways, it’s time for the real fun to begin” Nightmare said shortly after.
Nightmare stood up from her chair and kicked it toward the darkness, pulled down her hood, rolled up her jacket sleeves, and walked over toward the torture tool table.
“No, please, what I did to you wasn’t right, just please don’t hurt me”, Ariyah begins to say in crying voice.
Nightmare then struck the question “Ariyah…Do you fear death?” while picking which tool to use.
“Yes!” Ariyah screams.
“Hmm, interesting”, Nightmare says.
Nightmare then picked up a chefs’ knife, and looked at Ariyah’s right hand. Nightmare then grabbed Ariyah’s hand and proceeded to cut off her index finger. Ariyah started to scream in agony. Nightmare then began to cut off the next finger, and then the next one, and the next, until all the fingers from Ariyah’s right hand were all on the floor. Next, Nightmare moved to the left hand and continued to cut off Ariyah’s fingers on that hand. This pain and suffering Ariyah was feeling was far worse than when she dislocated her shoulder and started spitting out blood. Ariyah’s anguishing screams and cries grew louder by the minute. The screams were so loud that it began to please Nightmare.
“I love it when you scream, why don’t you scream some more”, implied Nightmare.
She then gave Ariyah a good minute break of no torture. After the minute was over, Nightmare put the chefs’ knife down and picked up a peculiar jar. When she opened the jar, Nightmare picked up a red-headed centipede and began to walk over toward Ariyah.
She then leaned in toward Ariyah’s ear and whispered “This is my favorite part”.
Nightmare then continued to put the red-headed centipede in Ariyah’s ear. Ariyah, screeching at the top of her lungs saying “Get it of me!”
Nightmare still struck a conversation with Ariyah by saying, “While that thing travels in your ear, I’m going to tell you a little secret.
Nightmare then went and grabbed the chair she pushed into the darkness and sat down. Her hand reached for her mask and Nightmare slowly took her mask off. When Nightmare finally took off her mask revealing her entire face, she went back in the darkness, grabbed a picture in a black frame, held it up to the left of her face, and smiled. Nightmare was holding the same exact picture Ariyah picked up in the droor when she was in the death trap room. The girl on the left’s face matched Nightmare’s face. The girl on the right’s face wasn’t scratched out so Ariyah could finally see who the girl was on the right. When Ariyah saw who it was she stopped screaming and was frozen in a state of shock. The girl on the right was Ariyah.
The memory that disappeared in Ariyah’s mind came back to her and she started to remember everything she forgot. Ariyah started to say Nightmare’s true name but Nightmare quickly put her right hand that was covered with blood over Ariyah’s mouth.
“Don’t say that name” Nightmare says while shaking her head and left index finger left to right.
“Do you remember when you were walking in the streets”, Nightmare asked. Ariyah shook her head yes trying to keep her mouth closed so the blood that Nightmare put on her face wouldn’t enter her mouth.
“That was an illusion” Nightmare added.
“The endless hallways were fake, and you being crushed was fake also”, to answer your unanswered questions, Nightmare said.
Nightmare then began to cut open Ariyah’s left arm and grab one of her bones. Ariyah began to scream once more.
When Nightmare was done she pulled out a bone and said “This could make a great handle for one of my blades” In a pleased way.
Nightmare started to lick the fingers that were covered in blood and asked Ariyah “Do you know what time it is?”
Ariyah shook her head no still trying to prevent the blood from escaping into her mouth. Nightmare went into the darkness again and grabbed a black digital clock. When she showed it to Ariyah it said, twelve o-clock. Then Nightmare picked back up her chefs’ knife and stabbed Ariyah in the neck multiple times until she started to choke on her own blood.
Before Ariyah died she saw Nightmare put up her finger to her mouth in a hush manner and said, “Have a goodnight sleep”.
To this day Ariyah Cheverly is still missing and the killer is still on the loose.
 

Viltic

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Aug 19, 2015
Messages
5
Re: Finally completed my horror story [Mature]

I would comment on the story stuff, but grammar tends to distract me. Gotta address that before anything else.

First, when you got a sentence in quotations, you always gotta punctuate it. Like so: "This kind of thing is important," I thought as I typed away, "You need to put the comma in the quotations." When a character asks a question, it'll look like this: "What kind of good example should I use for this?", not "Why am I using my random thoughts as examples now".

Then, you have a problem of constantly switching tenses. It seems like you're trying to stay in the present tense (she sees, she hears, she screams) but you randomly switch to past tense (she saw, she heard, she screamed). Decide on what tense the narration uses and keep it consistent, or you'll end up with a choppy narrative.

Ah, alright... enough with the grammar. So, uh, the story. There's something I'm not feeling in the narrative... you need a little more atmosphere, especially since this is a horror story. For the most part, you do a good job of describing actions, but it sometimes feels like it's just a sequence of events. Fortunately, you varied your sentence structure enough that it's not "This happened. Then this happened. That happened.", but I'm not getting a good feel for the scenes you created. Doesn't help that my Grammar Nazi senses keep distracting me, of course...

Small note on something that caught my eye: “This could go well as a knife handle for one of my knives” Kinda redundant here, since knife handles tend to be meant for... knives. Maybe omit "for one of my knives"? There are a couple things like this throughout the story, but I don't have enough time to point em all out right now.

So first, go over, proofread, and fix some grammar. Then the nitpicking on finer points can start.
I finally finished editing the errors and lack of atmosphere in the story i think.
 
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