Fanfiction ► ~Wish~

[Mordecai]

Have no fear.. I am here to crit.

First, I'd like to say that the story interests me. I watched a video on youtube that kind of zoomed through the entire story and highlighted main points, such as the opening sequences, and the ending sequences. As for your little chapter, I like it. It's well written, and there are only four things I can think of ( at the moment, since I'm kind of hurrying, because I'm hungry ) that you can fix.

It had been long ago, ‘too long’ she’d correct herself, logic reasoned that it had been too long to even think about him, but by some bizarre reasoning… She still cried at night. She could recall Rion’s dieing breath, he seemed so happy… So content…

“No,” she firmly told herself. No she couldn’t, she wouldn’t think about it. No matter what happened, her mind led to the same thing, and she couldn’t do anything about it. She couldn’t cry nor linger in her depression. No, she had no time. But how come the feelings never left?!

No, she already knew the reason; reason enough for her to chuckle to herself at her own stupidity. No, she had cared for her friend, and was so happy to finally talk to someone… How long had it been since she heard anyone’s voice? A year? 2 years? 3? She couldn’t keep track, not that it mattered.

So blissfully happy to hear him reply… She just thought the happiness was for the simple reason of her childhood friend. To know he was alive. But she knew, it developed quickly. Too quickly.

And it seemed all the more unfair. To her, to him. Why had such fates been brushed upon them?! No, questioning wouldn’t help. Again, she tried to focus on the eerie glow of the screen, her gaze focused purely on nothing despite her ravenous efforts to focus on something. Anything, to make the intense throbbing go away.

Frowning, she let out a sigh of frustration. It had only been a year ago, but to her mentality, as far as she was concerned, it had been eons and eons ago. Or was it the other way around? Who knew? Her mind was a hellish place

Tapping off the small computer, she idly wondered into her bedroom, if it could be considered that. It was back to the run down hotel she stayed before meeting Rion after all those years… She didn’t really have a home with all her parents dead, and the only other person she thought she could depend on was Rion… With no place to go, she just went to stay temporarily back in the hotel, promising herself she wouldn’t stay long… That’s what she said last year at least….

She would do something, anything to have what was taken given back to her. No matter what the price, even if Dorothy damned them all to hell… She wouldn’t care… If… If only to see his breathing figure once again.

Though, she reminded herself (with dry sarcasm) she had gotten her wish… Just without her beloved Rion. After all, what god would be merciful enough to bestow what was lost to her?

The first three will address the bold, in order.

1. ) Dieing has to do with machinery. DYING is how you spell die ( as in death ) - ing.

So, it would be dying, not dieing. A huge mistake in the writing business.

2. ) I think you meant, wandered. Wondered would be.. wondering.. pondering.. collecting thoughts.. asking questions in your head.. being curious.. etc. Wandering would be moving about in an aimless manner, with no true destination.

3. ) When speaking of the person, you don't have to repeatedly say their name. You could have replaced the second Rion with "him" and it would have been fine. This gives you the more, non-redundant edge and doesn't make people feel like you're repeating things over and over again. Readers don't tend to like that and get sidetracked by how repetitive your writing is.

4. ) Stop saying "no." Think of another word, or just don't use it. In many cases, you could have left it out, or replaced it with a word. For example,

No, she already knew the reason; < Tuned into "But, she already knew the reason;"

and

No, she had cared for her friend, and was so happy to finally talk to someone… < could be turned into

"She had cared for her friend, and was so happy to finally talk to someone..."

Since you weren't arguing with yourself... or, how do I put it.. saying that the previous statement(s) weren't true. Like, in example,

"I love them. No, I don't." You were saying "I love them. No, I did love them." < which is redundant.

Not in that exact way of course, but it wasn't needed.

I look forward to more. If you don't like the crit, I could just comment on the good next time. Whatever floats your boat. You asked, I provided. Still, I like it, and I might watch the movie now. I actually signed that petition thing in your signature... so I'll probably feel the need to watch the movie.

~FoT

 

[Taokitty]

Haha, thank you very much! I actually never knew that dieing was used for machinery and not death, which I shall keep in mind.

Thank you again for pointing out my mistakes; it was really aprreciated though, I think I was going for a repetitive edge a bit when I first wrote it.

^-^
Thank you for posting for the petition. Chapter two is actually done but... it's not the revised version. The problem I have is that my prologues or first chapters are usually good, but they slowly seem to get worse... the next chapter probably will be a bit repetitive, or rather show examples of what the prologue has stated... just to warn you a head of time.

*Sigh* If only microsoft didn't close that one time without saving....

I'll attempt to get it out this week; as it may have been stated, I am rather busy with a little one I help take care of and homework.

~Taokitty~

P.S. Haha, you don't have to worry my friend, I like constructive critism even if I do end up blushing out of embarrasment or hitting my head repetetive against the wall for such simple mistakes, but no one's perfect, eh?

Yunie: Hehe, yosh, though school can be fun, it is an evil and malicious device to suck out all our time and make us forget things we are to do. xD

Well, for some that is; too bad the said device is capturing me as well now... Ah well, I like school anyway...

 

[Mordecai]

die2 /daɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dahy] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, plural dies for 1, 2, 4, dice for 3; verb, died, die·ing.
–noun
1. Machinery.
a. any of various devices for cutting or forming material in a press or a stamping or forging machine.
b. a hollow device of steel, often composed of several pieces to be fitted into a stock, for cutting the threads of bolts or the like.
c. one of the separate pieces of such a device.
d. a steel block or plate with small conical holes through which wire, plastic rods, etc., are drawn.
2. an engraved stamp for impressing a design upon some softer material, as in coining money.
3. sing. of dice.
4. Architecture. dado (def. 1).
–verb (used with object)
5. to impress, shape, or cut with a die.
—Idiom
6. the die is cast, the irrevocable decision has been made; fate has taken charge: The die is cast—I can't turn back.


Didn't want you to go on with your day having the wrong idea of what it was.

 

[princess namine]

Very interesting story you got here Taokitty, I too have not heard of this movie or game but I look forward to seeing what you are talking about.

Again, a very well written story and few minor stuff but exellent.