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bladed asassin

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Hi.. i've been toying with the idea of giving this fan fic thing a shot soo he goes nothin:)

Chapter one
A Tipical Morning

It was just another sunny bright promising morining in destiny islands. Sora like he always did walk to
kiari’s house to go to the island. Riku lived much closer to the islands then sora and kiari
soo he would always meet them at the sea shack. Sora knocked on the door and kiari
answered with a cheerful hey. Sora said are you ready to go and she said one moment,
jeez i don’t even have my shoes on . Sora laugh and kiari did aswell. After getting her
shoes they walked to the docks and grabed there boat. Kiari broke hers and sora is to
lazy to fix it soo they share one. Once they reached the dock they tied the boat up and
walked to the sea shack to find riku waiting for them. Riku said, god what took u soo
long. Sorry, kiari took 15 minutes to find shoes. They all laugh and started tours the
beach. It looked like one normal day in destiny islands untill that night.

The first chapter is short soo just bare with me there
 

snowdog

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n. 1. a place of settlement, activity, or residenc
Okay!

There are lots of errors in spelling, and grammar. If you don't do so already, type out your chapters in a program with a spellchecker - for example, MSWord - before posting.

Remember to start a new paragraph when a new person speaks, for example...

Riku said, "God, what took you so long?

"Sorry, Kairi took fifteen minutes to find shoes."

Remember to use speechmarks, too, otherwise the reader may not be able to distinguish between description and what a character is saying.

Don't shorten things either, okay? Don't use 'u' for 'you', and numbers must be spelled out as words.

Otherwise, it's a decent start. Keep at it, okay? =D

<3
 

Lycanthrope

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Grammar and Spelling could use work. Also, you need length.

Listen to what Snowy said, and basically, you're fine.
 

bladed asassin

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ok..thanx everyone.. sry if its too short or bad spelling i just didn't really think about all that.. the next chapter will be better i promise
 

Lycanthrope

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Alright.

You should probably take your story to MS Word on your computer for editing. It will look much better and will interest people more. You might just happen to get more readers and comments.
 

bladed asassin

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chapter 2
Sora crosses the line


After a full day of running around and having a lot of fun, Sora, Kiari, and Riku sat at the curved tree like they did after every eventful day.

Riku broke the silence saying, do u think we’ll have to go save the worlds again?

I dont know sora said. If the worlds need us then i guess that means that we have to save them. I feel that after defeating Xemnas that no one is willing to do anything evil for awhile. I don’t think they want to get their ass’s powned by us.


They all laugh and Kiari then said, well I hope not I miss you guys so much when you left.


Riku said, well were the Keyblade masters and we have to protect the worlds from evil and villainy Its are job.

Yeah Sora said.

The sun started to set and Riku said he was leaving. Sora and Kiari waved goodbye and then, it was just the two of them. After about a half hour pasted and them talking and laughing Kiari said she wanted to go home.

Wait sora said.

yeah? kairi replied.

We’ve gotten pretty close in the pasted few months haven’t we Sora said.

Yeah, yeah we have kiari said. What are you getting at Sora?

Kiari, Im starting to like you more than just a friend and well, this might be tough to swallow but I love you.

Sora!? Kairi said blushing while in joy and very confused. I love u too (with alot of emotion).

Sora then is filled with feelings he’s never felt before and pictured this moment for a long time.

Will you be my girlfriend? Sora asked calmly

Their was a long silence,

Sora? I uh.. I .. I Kairi said stuttering

What is it kiari? Sora says confused.

I don’t know if we should, its just, what about Riku, Kairi said.

What about him Sora says uneasily.

I don’t think we should with him around, we might want to be alone just you and me and exclude him from a lot. Sora I’ll have to think about it, now take me home.

Ok Sora says a little disappointed, and Sora and Kairi paddled home. That night Sora wondered if he had maybe he went to far tonight and should maybe confront Riku about everything. After all, Riku is his best friend and he can talk to him about anything.



i hope that chapter is better than the first one:)
 

snowdog

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Okay. Better. =D

Righty, one thing you need to remember is to include speech marks. Lookit.

Wait sora said.

yeah? kairi replied.

We’ve gotten pretty close in the pasted few months haven’t we Sora said.

Should be:

"Wait," Sora said.

"Yeah?" Kairi replied.

"We’ve gotten pretty close in the past few months, haven’t we?" Sora said.

If you don't include speechmarks, it's hard for the reader to distinguish between what a character says, and the description.

Also, you seem to be using the words 'said' and 'replied' a lot. Try using both a dictionary and a thesaurus while writing. That way, you can use the thesaurus to find a synonym for a word, then look it up in the dictionary to see if it fits the situation. Obviously, the mood of your writing can be changed by your diction, so you need to be careful.

Oh, and don't use brackets. Ever.

Keep going. ^_^

<3
 

giuocob

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Since you're 14, I'm assuming you know the basic rules of grammar (if English is your first language, that is.) So you probably just don't want to take the time to write a good story to post. If that's the case, DON'T POST YOUR STORY HERE! This isn't a place for people to post the first thing that comes out of their head. If you want people to read this, take the time to write it correctly. If not, don't post the story at all.

Or, if you truly don't understand the rules of grammar, take a look at the 'Articles of Literacy' sticky. That should help you out.
 

Kairi&Sora 4ever

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If you don't include speechmarks, it's hard for the reader to distinguish between what a character says, and the description.

Also, you seem to be using the words 'said' and 'replied' a lot. Try using both a dictionary and a thesaurus while writing. That way, you can use the thesaurus to find a synonym for a word, then look it up in the dictionary to see if it fits the situation. Obviously, the mood of your writing can be changed by your diction, so you need to be careful.

Oh, and don't use brackets. Ever.

Snow is completely right. Follow her advice and you'll be on your way to a successful fan fiction.

Your story might eventually turn into something great, so keep at it! =)
 

bladed asassin

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heres chapter 3, i think its my best soo far and i hope you like it

chapter 3
the not so normal day


It was 9:30 on a saturday. Sora got up, took a shower, got dressed in some beach
clothes and headed to kiari’s house. Sora was about to knock on the door when he notice
a note.

"It read, Dear Sora, im not going to the island today. I’ll call you about an answer tonight.
Love kairi."

Sora wasn’t surprised about the note or about her not going to the island, but she neverwas mad or worried like this as long as he can remember tours him at least. About aminute later after staring at Kairi’s front door feeling like an idiot, he finally left andheaded toured the dock. When he finally got the Island he was alittle out of breathebecause he got use to Kairi doing half the work. When went to the shack to find Rikupraticing with his keyblade.

He asked , wheres Kiari?

“I need to talk to you Riku" Sora replied

"Well sure Sora , you can talk to me about anything" Riku said.

"Ok," Sora said. "After you left he island last night, me and Kiari were talking and I asked
her out. She said, idk and i’ll have to think about it.

“sora?" Riku said, "We both new that you liked her and that she liked you”. “She never
asked you becuause she new that would be a huge weak spot for you and would never
want you to get hurt becuase of her”.

“I don’t care, I love her man” sora replied.

“ I know you do" Riku mentioned, "and if you too decide tobecome closer than friends than thats ok with me, as long as im still chillin with you guys
and your not making out in the tree house while im hanging with tidus and them bored out of
my mined." Riku said being sacrastic”

They both laughed and Sora said to Riku that he was the best friend he ever had and hopes
it will always stay that way.

Riku said “i know , in his cocky voice”. “Enough of Kiari now Sora, you and me are
gunna have a guy day today. Were gunna spar.”

“Spar? Sora said.”

“Yeah , you haven’t touch your keyblade in weeks, dust that thing off once in a while
Riku said”.

Sora laugh and said your on!! and the battle started.
 

bladed asassin

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it takes me about maybe a couple of hours a night to get the plot and no what im writing about... then i proof read it and do my best to make sure everything is ok in the story. are my chapters to short? should i make them longer?
 

Jopari

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Your chapters are still a little short, but I can see that you're definitely trying to improve and I really like that. I did notice a few mistakes in the last chapter, so be sure to proof read your work before you post. If possible get a trusted friend to read it over before you post.

One final bit of advice is to add to description. You don't have to describe everything all the time, but always be sure to toss in a few details to give the reader a picture. Remember, writing and reading are visual imagination exercises.
 

bladed asassin

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allright Im pretty sure this is going to be a really good chapter.. hopefully..

Chapter 4
The night of destiny


After a long day of training and sparing, Sora and Riku were beat.

“Nothin like a good work out every once and a while Riku said.”

“Yeah” Sora said back.

The sun was starting to set and Riku and Sora made there way to curved tree.

“Man, its really wierd to be up here without Kairi” said Sora.

“Yeah its quiet for once” Riku yelled.

They both laugh but Sora then started to think about her and stopped laughing.

“Hey, common now Sora,” said Riku. “Stop beating yourself up ok?”.

“Yeah i know, its just I wonder what shes gunna say”Sora thought

Mean while back on the main land, Kiari looked out her window of the house
wondering what Riku and Sora were doing right now. She realized how late it was and
figured there watching to sunset together. She couldn’t see them becuase her house is
pointing to the other side of the island, she saw them sparing that day which kept her
entertained for a little bit. She didn’t want to go the island becuase she wanted to think
about everything her and Sora talk about last night. She took a deep breath and said to
her self.

“I really like him but... it.. well maybe... urg!!! i don’t what i should do “. “When i see
Sora, i’ll no the answer and i won’t think about this until i see him” kairi said to her self.


Sora and Riku were realizing themselves that it was getting very late and decided
to go home.

Sora said “same time and place tomarrow?”

Riku said “yeah you know it.”

Sora started to row his boat home, it takes about 20 minutes to get there. Sora new that
when he got home he would get his answer from kiari. He was more nevous then ever
before, But when he got to the dock were he alwyas tied the boat, Kiari was standing
there waiting for him.

“Kiari,! Sora said shocked, “what are you doing here.”

“I came down to give you an answer face to face Kiari said”.

Oh” Sora said, “what is your answer, and if you say no i understand, it would be hard I
guess to manage you and Riku both but i know i can do it.”

Kiari looked in Sora’s eyes and remebered the popu fruit drawling they had drew to both
of them, and when Sora saved her at hollow bastion, when they saw eachother “at the
world that never was” and not seeing eachother for a year.

She walked up to him and grab his arms and kissed him. She leaned away from him and
said yes.

Kairi!!! “ I love you,” Sora said.

Kiari said “I love you too.”

“Allright well, I need to get home now Sora soo i’ll see you tomarrow ok”.

Sora said “uh huh,bye Kairi” and Kairi waved back to him.

Sora the whole way home was blushing and he couldn’t stop smiling. This is the greatest
day of my life.
 
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