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What love can do



New member
Nov 13, 2010
My secret lair, the COMMON SENSE base of justice,
{ this takes place in 2015, the world has not ended and the main character is a boy named Matthew who takes fighting as his pride as he fights the goverment for his girl, named Ragmie. Matthew lives on the streets as a fighter beating up people who annoy him/ try to kill him. His girl found him in the streets and took care of him when no else would and gave him a special bandage which she made for his bleeding hand. This takes place in Wastion D.C anyways here is the story

Theme-[video=youtube;20h2TcMJuH8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20h2TcMJuH8&feature=relmfu[/video] }

Chapter 1- breaching the goverment

A girl walked into a part of the streets which was very fility, carrying a lugage bag full of her cloths and jewerly and a bandage in her hand. A boy in the cornor stood up to this and walked over to her, crying very little only a drop lifted of his face. The boy had light brown hair and light blue eyes, he was wearing a brown shirt and green pants a bandage wapped around his right hand. The girl had light long brown hair with hazel eyes, she wore a yellow shirt and wore a little white skirt.

"So it's really goodbye is it" The boy said grabbing on the girl's shoulder like she was god and had declared earth dead.

"No it insn't Matthew your overacting they said i'll be gone only a month" The girl said patting Matthew on his shoulder making his tears stop.

"What the hell does the goverment want with you Ragmie are they trying to rape you or simply wanting to kill you" Matthew said with an angry look batting his fist on a nerby wall making it crumble a little.

"They want testes for a reason, if i don't come back in a month feel free to look for me" Ragmie said grabbing her luggage and going leaving her bandage in her hand behind

------------- 1 Month later in the slums of streets------------

It has been a month since that conversation, Matthew craving a number of the weeks she was gone on a wall near his garbage bed he made from scartch. Ragmie's parents came running though his door he made from steel , with a very worried look on there face.

"Do you know where our daughter is we have asked the goverment and they said they will try their best to find her. Damn the goverment" Mrs. Ragome said looking though her purse for a picture of their daughter. She found the picture and showed it to him, Damn she looked smoking hot in her prom dress, which was red and white was in lines.

"I know i'm going to the white house where she was taken. It is the only goverment building around see ya" Matthew said wrapping Ragmie's bandage around his right hand. The bandage read Good luck in your life. In Matthew's mind he said thank you to her and ran out towards the white house

------ White house 1:00 Am, March 23, 2015-------

Matthew ran towards the gates, two men guarded the gate with black suits and black glasses. One was african-american and the other was white.

"Halt no one is allowed past this point but people who have bussiness here, state your bissiness" The african-american said clenching his fist and grabbing Matthew by his shoulder.

"Hmm it has to be to get my girl back !!!" Matthew yelled punching the guard in his face, making him fall on his back and shocking the gate open. Then the other guard tried to kick Matthew but Matthew grabbed his foot and filped him over in the air and punched him to the ground. Then the other guard got up and grabbed his gun and fired. Matthew really wanting his girl rolled out of the way and kicked the guard in his nuts. Then he continued onto the grounds of the white house. The green grass of the white house calmed Matthew's rage down but he was hiding behind a tree to plan his stratogy


hope you like this is just a random idea, so any ideas on what the tittle should be. Read and comment please
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Break the Spell
May 18, 2007
Somewhere 2D
  • Retired Staff
  • You've Got A Friend In Me
  • Master of Monologues
  • East Meets West
  • Chronicler
Re: random idea i had- What love can do [can't decide on tittle any suggestions]

You sure do like the name Matthew. Anyway, this is a definite improvement over the first pieces that you posted. Granted, there are still quite a few issues, but I can tell the effort put in to improve.

First, you need to work on your sentence structure. It's too wordy. The general rule of thumb is that, in each sentence, you want to say as much as you have to in as few words as you can. For example, "A girl walked into a part of the streets which was very fility" would sound better written as "A girl walked into a filthy part of the streets". Note how I removed the word "very". That's because the word "filthy" already implies a more extreme condition.

Also, you need to be careful with word choice itself. For example, tears to not "lift". They fall. Don't try and get too flashy with words in an attempt to make it sound cool. It can sound as cool as you want; but if the reader has no idea what your saying, then it doesn't really help.

You should also really check your spelling. There are a lot of spelling errors that need to be corrected.

As for the story, you've got the basic building blocks, but there's no substance. The introduction to the characters was way too brief. Who are these characters? What are they doing? Why are they doing it? How do they act? What are their personalities? More importantly, why should I care about them? What attracts me to them as characters? The speed at which their introduction concludes doesn't give me enough time to establish a connection with them.

Also, we don't understand anything about Matthew's supposed strength. Why is he able to just get through to the White House of all places with little to no effort? I can understand keeping things secret until later; but given that we know nothing about the universe, we have no idea if this is normal or abnormal for the setting. How did he know to go to the White house to begin with? If this is the real world, there are numerous government buildings within the White House's vicinity. Not to mention that a government force could take someone anywhere that they want.

You're starting to get the basic idea when it comes to laying down a plot, but it needs to be expounded upon and thought out better. I think that you could really create some decent stories as you get older and begin to understand more about what makes stories work. Not to mention that, after said years, you should have a better grasp on the English language. You are still young, after all.

The best thing you can do right now would be to correct mistakes as they are shown to you and to practice creating more stories, improving upon each as you go. If you do that, you'll get better at descriptiveness (which, while much improved, is still not that great) and how to make longer chapters.
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New member
Nov 13, 2010
My secret lair, the COMMON SENSE base of justice,
okay got it Nevermore decided on tittle as well, editing first and second post, can you do that as well

theme- [video=youtube;p6s6Y2OR13Q]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6s6Y2OR13Q&feature=related[/video]

chapter 2- making the president mad

Matthew waled across some very blooming trees on his way into the White house. Suddenly a gardener saw him walking and ran towards him with his weed trimmers, running like the wind. Matthew jumped and kicked this guy in his face and made him bleed from his mouth. The gardener punched Matthew in his stomach and really didn't do any damage to him. Matthew ran forward and grabbed this guy's head and threw him at the White house wall. Matthew decided to stay hidden in the trees until the cost was clear for him.

What luck he had, the gardeners left their positions just before 4:30 AM and Matthew ran for it and entered the white house though a window. The White house area he entered was vast and colorful, chairs and other expensive items covered the room. Matthew focused on what he had to do and sneakily ran towards a elevator, not a single guard in sight. He boarded the elevator and pressed the B9 floor button. Matthew was shocked by this the elevator was moving faster than anything had gone before. The elevator doors opened and Matthew saw himself looking at a very vast hallway full of medic technologies, someone came towards him.

"Are you authorized to be here, this is top-sercert government project" A scientist said bringing out a patient that looked like Ragmie only more older.

"Yeah i am do you have a strength anylaziler, i need to know how powerful i am to protect this place properly"Matthew said fooling the scientist.

"Very well hit this pad with all your might" The scientist said holding out a platform with a beaming blue circle in the middle. Matthew stepped back a little and did a rushing strike, the machine counted his strength as top-class and abnormal. The scientist quickly ran away from Matthew and grabbed an intercom and informed the president that someone other than a guard or caretaker was in floor "Experiment GX9". Other people in nanny like cloths came out of rooms and started rushing over to Matthew and punched him, but he took it like a man and kicked 2 in their nuts. The other 4 started to gang up on Matthew but were met by an elbow strike, each of the them.

"Tell me where i can find this girl called Ragmie, my girlfriend"Matthew said, grabbing the scientist by his neck and choking him till he peeped. "Okay at the end of the hall" The scientist said looking very worried.


"Executive Magera you task is to slay this intruder with something of you liking understood" The president Obama said passing a note to the Executive of his office security. The women had light golden hair and green sliver eyes like soul of devil, and her lips were colored sliver. She was wearing a sliver coat that had metal plating on it's shoulders and red on the inside, a black tux was underneath. She was also wearing black tux pants with only two pockets, a belt with many things on it (poison, cane sword, hand gun etc) and black tip shoes.

The executive walked out of the office onto an elevator with many floors including the B10 floor where the patients of GX9 were being tested on. She came down to B10 and stared at a girl which was in a tube full of green chemicals, adapting her body. The label on the tube read Ragmie. Ragmie the girl Matthew wanted to find. Magera took a picture of the girl and stored it on her phone and went off towards a little arena, she had set up.

Her battle for honor was coming at hand, would she win or he.

She took her chance and waited for the doors to her cyber arena were opened, Finally a young man came though her doors with blood coming from his right hand and right foot


hope you like this is gonna be good for something