what happens when you are like me?



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Nehxaa666

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Even now as I sit alone, staring at what seems to be nothing I begin to wonder and I begin to think. Hearing your

voice over and over, repeaditly within the realms of my mind, I begin to wonder once again, and probably not for

the last time, I begin to question our relationship. This relationship that was so strong when ever we are side by

side, but as soon as you are gone and lost once again, it all ends, sending back into complete darkness. Knowing

that you are somewhere out there with little thought upon my soul, little knowing who I am, I wonder if I really

know you. Yes, I tell myself. I know you, but I fool myself into believing that you are the right one for me, the right

one who will save me from the empty void and deliver me from the light. But it doesn’t seem so, and it doesn’t

seem possible. Like as if there is nothing out there, nobody out there. Nothingness and darkness…just…nothing

. It’s clear that there is nobody, nobody after these long years, and so I’ll bury myself back into this darkness,

back into this long deep nothingness, this void of emptiness. I’ve been there before, seeing what is in store of my

future and what awaits in my future. But I will not actually give you this note, heather. I can only pretend, just like

I pretend everything. With a mask I can go from a lonely despair to a happy go lucky girl in just seconds. But

inside, every minute, every second, every moment of my life, something eats away at me, tearing away at my soul,

my innocence, my everything. And I will continue to search for the one who can save me, even though in the

farthest realms of my mind, such a person does not exist. But I can fool myself easily, using tactics of psychology.

Perhaps that is why I am so interested in that class, because it will help me learn to escape by ususing illusions

and lies. Lies, why am I so afraid of lies? Why do I cry even at the lightest of all white lies instead of being normal,

just like everybody else? Why must I be burdened with these problems of mine? Hmm…I have come to this

conclusion many times before, that I am an angel. A dark angel, sent to earth to take everybody’s sorrow into my

soul and die, leaving them all in peace. Is that why I so many times want to die, because I’ve collected too much

to handle and I need to release them to the heavens and save those here on earth? however, i find myself too

cowardly to do anything but hold in my hand a knife or a handfull of pills. i can not cut nor swallow nor do anything

to help me achieve my death but cry myself to sleep. But why me, it doesn’t seem fair. But when is anything ever

fair? Mm…heather. I was so hoping that it would be you that would save me, so much. But as my suspicions have

held, I am a lost cause and you already have too many problems to deal with me as well. Just like everybody else

who in this world that deals with me. I am a failure as an angel, one that only seems to cause others more

troubles. So is that the reason my death is a constant fight? Because god wants me to return, because he knows I

am only to cause trouble. Could that be the reason he once spoke to me, because he knew I needed to be lead

back and away from here and all of those I care about. Everywhere I tread, I carry in my heart this darkness that

never ceases to exist, heavy and cruel. However, at the same time, it is this nothingness. Today I looked upon my

arm and saw all of those beautiful marks, all scribbled in random manners and different directions. My favorites are

right along the upside of my wrist, those that are shaped like that of a knife slit. Even know I talk to you on the

phone all you can say is ‘get not depressed’ nothing that can possible help me and my mood. For a long time now,

i’ve struggled to know myself. I’ve told myself I have mood swings and that I have multiple personality disorder,

but the question is , knowing that more than likely I don’t, what am i? am I a monster, a beast, an angel, or a

psychopath? Everything in my life is a lie, from my over exaggerated pain from my past to my life that I face know.

I know it is selfish to kill yourself and hurt others that were connected with you in the process. Now I want to live,

then again I want to die. I want to live longer that everybody in the world so that nobody has to feel the pain of

losing me. I can take the pain of losing everything, I already feel that way. Although I wonder if I hurt this much,

then how much more will I suffer if that is to happen. As well I wish to die, to end the pain for myself and to also

end the pain I cause others. I don’t mean to hurt people with how I act and it seems like I don’t help anybody. But

it’s too late to die, to disappear. I’ve buried a place in people’s hearts and stolen too much that belongs to them.

But if I ever get the chance, I’ll be sure to go back into the past and stop my mom from ever getting pregnant with

me. I have a tendency to hurt so many people around me and I ate it, failure angel. But I guess I can try to make

everything right by wearing this mask and doing my best. I’ve promised myself before that I will kill myself, the set

date being this upcoming july 23. and that is only if I can’t turn into this girl that I call ‘Catelina’. This was to be my original name, the name of a perfect child, the name of who I wish to become. However, my psycho personality

only reflects the opposite. If only there was a way to completely change, and I will ork at it, although I wonder

because last july I told myself I would do this, and obviously it didn’t work. But I guess that it shouldn’t stop me

now. However, by tonight I will be Jessica again, stupid girl with no purpous with only this letter to remind myself

of who I really am. So I ask myself and the whole world, what is wrong with me? What am i? what should I do?
 
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Tyler Durden

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I can't read that, its too close together.

Break it into paragraphs, and put spaces between your sentences. Then i can help you out.
 

Stavvy

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Wow, that was hard to read, but grammer and just in general.


Ok, killing yourself is NOT the answer. It will only hurt those around you.
I see that you're religious, then you should know that of you do kill yourself, you won't go to heaven, you will BURN IN HELL. That also is not the answer.

I think that you should see therapy, I know it sounds like it would only single you out as an outcast, but trust me it works. I don't really think that I'm qualified to help you, for I'm not too sure about myself, at times.

(Here's a easier on the eye's version...)

Even now as I sit alone, staring at what seems to be nothing I begin to wonder and I begin to think.

Hearing your voice over and over, repeaditly within the realms of my mind, I begin to wonder once again, and probably not for the last time, I begin to question our relationship.

This relationship that was so strong when ever we are side by side, but as soon as you are gone and lost once again, it all ends, sending back into complete darkness.

Knowing that you are somewhere out there with little thought upon my soul, little knowing who I am, I wonder if I really know you.

Yes, I tell myself. I know you, but I fool myself into believing that you are the right one for me, the right one who will save me from the empty void and deliver me from the light.

But it doesn’t seem so, and it doesn’t seem possible.

Like as if there is nothing out there, nobody out there.

Nothingness and darkness…just…nothing.

It’s clear that there is nobody, nobody after these long years, and so I’ll bury myself back into this darkness, back into this long deep nothingness, this void of emptiness.

I’ve been there before, seeing what is in store of my future and what awaits in my future.

But I will not actually give you this note, heather. I can only pretend, just like I pretend everything.

With a mask I can go from a lonely despair to a happy go lucky girl in just seconds. But inside, every minute, every second, every moment of my life, something eats away at me, tearing away at my soul, my innocence, my everything.

And I will continue to search for the one who can save me, even though in the farthest realms of my mind, such a person does not exist.

But I can fool myself easily, using tactics of psychology.

Perhaps that is why I am so interested in that class, because it will help me learn to escape by ususing illusions and lies.

Lies, why am I so afraid of lies?

Why do I cry even at the lightest of all white lies instead of being normal, just like everybody else?

Why must I be burdened with these problems of mine?

Hmm…I have come to this conclusion many times before, that I am an angel. A dark angel, sent to earth to take everybody’s sorrow into my soul and die, leaving them all in peace.

Is that why I so many times want to die, because I’ve collected too much to handle and I need to release them to the heavens and save those here on earth?

however, i find myself too cowardly to do anything but hold in my hand a knife or a handfull of pills.

i can not cut nor swallow nor do anything to help me achieve my death but cry myself to sleep.

But why me, it doesn’t seem fair.

But when is anything ever fair?

Mm…heather.

I was so hoping that it would be you that would save me, so much.

But as my suspicions have held, I am a lost cause and you already have too many problems to deal with me as well.

Just like everybody else who in this world that deals with me. I am a failure as an angel, one that only seems to cause others more troubles.

So is that the reason my death is a constant fight?

Because god wants me to return, because he knows I am only to cause trouble.

Could that be the reason he once spoke to me, because he knew I needed to be lead back and away from here and all of those I care about.

Everywhere I tread, I carry in my heart this darkness that never ceases to exist, heavy and cruel.

However, at the same time, it is this nothingness.

Today I looked upon my arm and saw all of those beautiful marks, all scribbled in random manners and different directions.

My favorites are right along the upside of my wrist, those that are shaped like that of a knife slit.

Even know I talk to you on the phone all you can say is ‘get not depressed’ nothing that can possible help me and my mood.

For a long time now, i’ve struggled to know myself.

I’ve told myself I have mood swings and that I have multiple personality disorder, but the question is , knowing that more than likely I don’t, what am i? am I a monster, a beast, an angel, or a psychopath?

Everything in my life is a lie, from my over exaggerated pain from my past to my life that I face know.

I know it is selfish to kill yourself and hurt others that were connected with you in the process.

Now I want to live, then again I want to die.

I want to live longer that everybody in the world so that nobody has to feel the pain of losing me. I can take the pain of losing everything, I already feel that way.
Although I wonder if I hurt this much, then how much more will I suffer if that is to happen.

As well I wish to die, to end the pain for myself and to also end the pain I cause others. I don’t mean to hurt people with how I act and it seems like I don’t help anybody.

But it’s too late to die, to disappear.

I’ve buried a place in people’s hearts and stolen too much that belongs to them. But if I ever get the chance,

I’ll be sure to go back into the past and stop my mom from ever getting pregnant with me.

I have a tendency to hurt so many people around me and I ate it, failure angel.

But I guess I can try to make everything right by wearing this mask and doing my best.

I’ve promised myself before that I will kill myself, the set date being this upcoming july 23. and that is only if I can’t turn into this girl that I call ‘Catelina’.

This was to be my original name, the name of a perfect child, the name of who I wish to become.

However, my psycho personality only reflects the opposite. If only there was a way to completely change, and I will work at it, although I wonder because last july I told myself I would do this, and obviously it didn’t work.

But I guess that it shouldn’t stop me now.

However, by tonight I will be Jessica again, stupid girl with no purpous with only this letter to remind myself of who I really am.

So I ask myself and the whole world, what is wrong with me? What am i? what should I do?
 
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Don't kill yourself, I was(and in some ways am still) like you are now. I am the protector, the defender, the shield to all those who are in pain. I consume their pain, and absorb such sorrows, no matter how overwhelming they maybe, into myself. I suffer more because although I can help everyone with their own fears, pain, problems, situation-but when it comes to myself, I've spent so much energy on helping others and doing everything for everyone else, I can't help myself. So in the darkness alone I become that person I told myself I'd never become, I eclispe myself in a shell of darkness of nothingness, of my own rage and hate. I used to not like getting close to other people......sure I helped them, but I couldn't do anything for myself.....Back then I was consumed with rage and hatred, and realized that in the end whats it worth helping other people and trying to depend on others, cause in the end, when its all said and done, all you have is yourself and yourself alone. People will let you down time and time again, I felt it a fool to help others, yet I found myself helping others anyway. Putting on his fecade, hoping no one would realize who the real me was on the inside. Then i met a person that changed my life forever, her name Ana, and If been happy with her for 10 months....Although I have been different for 10 months, I still have a hard time not letting myself being consumed by the nothingness in my heart. Because when one's alone you can't help but think of the bad and let it eclipse you from the truth.

Such is the curse from having an indepth thinking mind....you have the ablitiy and the strong will(heart) to help others who need it, and find yourself being the "therapist" to those around you, but at the same time you suffer for being such a person cause you absorb those feelings so no one else has too. I see myself, much as you see yourself. I'm not great, I don't help people.....but everyone says I do.....I call myself the fallen angel, because no matter what I do to help everyone no matter how much I succeed in solving others problems, I fail to make myself happy and thus hurl myself back into the endless abyss that is the inner chambers of my mind. Its getting better but the pain, the thoughts are still there.

True I haven't ever tried to kill myself, because killing yourself I see as the easy way out. To truelly live with your pain, to understand it, to let it consume you is much harder....and to fight to become a better person is the only way out. To fight for those you love, to fight for yourself, to fight for what you want, to fight for your dreams, to fight for the fact that they're people out there who need you who look to you as the shield to all that is evil, in there world. Its hard, but it helps you need to focus in what makes you happy.

You must take up hobbies, draw, playgames watch movies (horror movies at that-cause I know i freak people out cause I understand the intellectual side of the Saw series as not just blood and gore, but as an ideal-the ideal that one can't truelly understand and appericate life, until they've experienced the pain and suffering that it entails)

Yes you have a life worth living, you have the power to keep yourself from being weakened by suicidal thoughts, and or your own hatred(sorrow) festering inside your own heart and soul. You must appreciate that life, understand that god does things for a reason and sends you through the worst experiences and life lessons as possible to make you understand what it truelly means to understand your life.
People look to you don't fail them by ending it, defy your emotions by working against them to live and flurish in the light of the world....

Like I always say (and its a creed I live by to this day, it has taken sometime but I've come to realize it) Nothing in this life is achieved easily no matter what it is, you must work hard and fight for what you want, cause the the things in life worth having take determination, dedication, and faith to achieve. Trust me if didn't believe so I wouldn't be the person I am to day. You just have to have alittle faith.


And yes I've realized if I keep helping people, consuming everyones problems into myself, its gonna eventually one day be the death of me. But having said that its my destiny to save people, to help them, to do whatever I can to be their shield even if I have to suffer emotional as well as physical pain to achieve such a goal. Its my fate, its what I was born to do, and if I must die for those I care about then I look at it as apart of god's plan...cause things happen for a reason. But the good thing is in helping others, I've found those who've helped me control my inner most feelings aswell....God works in mysterious ways, and every step we take, ever event that occurs is just another step on the road that is our life, where it ends we dont' know, but we must do what we can, as much as we can...to be the best possible people we can possibly be....

Nehxaa666 don't worry everything will be okay....just have alittle faith, and trust me that faith can take you farther in life than you can possible ever hope to imagine....
 

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I know that advice from random people around the world isn't exactly the best to take but, please, don't kill yourself. As Venom said take up hobbies. And i implore you to take up writing. What you wrote even with it's dark undertones and overall distaste for life was...beautiful. Not just anyone can write like that. That is something you should have at least a little pride in. I have no idea wether you'll either carefully read over this, or simply bypass it. But I do hope that you will not come to the conclusion that killing yourself is the way. Im sure you've been told this many times, and think that it's complete idiocy, but perhaps seeking professional help might do you some good??
 

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Aint he like the 4th person saying their gonna kill themselves in the forums? anyway to make this short, your too young to die. you got too much to live for. your hurt your family and friends. you will go to hell. etc.
 

Stavvy

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_Venom_...you're awesome...truer words were never spoken(if that's right, lol...I don't know why but I like helping people too, I think that everyone has that darker side, it's just that few don't show it. Or maybe I'm projecting...I don't know.)

super_ninja_star
Great minds think alike?
 

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being sympathetic to her situation and problems ain't gonna solve nothing...cause its not just enough to be sympathetized with but its something entirely different to be empathized with...to truelly be understood...just telling her its wrong, cause she'll hurt people is the wrong answer...just the common response to what most people say when hearing about someone in that situation....you need to truelly understand where she's coming from....to understand her and her emotions...
 

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Believe it or not, but I've also had suicidal thought too, so I atleast know somewhat. I've had people stab me in the back. But you seem to know more than me, so I'll listen to you. _Venom_, you are just...awesome(Sorry but it true...)

Kinda reminds me of the short exort in my sig...
 

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I whole-heartedly feel the exact same way as Venom.
Listen to him Nexia, he speaks of what love and caring for another is...
 

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what can I say, I'm the one everyone comes to when they need help solving there problems, I've always cared about the well being of others, no matter how far it takes me, if I die or not. Because I understand to truely understand someone, to truely take away their pain you must consume and absorb its very essence into yourself, making you a vessel...for pain, sorrow, depression...making you the ultimate marter (emotionally) for everyone who's ever had a problem, and needs it solved

its what I do...
its my reason for being
 

Nehxaa666

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reading over all of these responces numerous times, i am happy to find that there are people out there that understand what i am going through and what the answers may be. life like this is hard, and i really have no plan to die anytime soon just for your reasons. i had a suicidal boyfriend once and i gave him a quote that i live by now a days, and he's been living two years longer so far.
"nothing in this world is worth taking your own life"
my mother told it to me, and it is my motto. i guess when it comes to troubles like this, it all depends on who you are. some people are just born lucky and find themselves born into a kind and warm family were they have a 'happily ever after' life. some people are born poor or without a family to care for them. some people are born with problems far more serious that just selfish thoughts of suicide or running away and somehow, they manage their lives.
hmm....so what happens when one is stricken with this multiple personality thing that can't be real because nobody ever told you and it's possible to be multiple personality, a very serious case. one where a person with think like that at least three times a day? i mean could it be because of previous happenings? in your opinion, can one be so depressed because they are losing things that are close or important to them? what do you do when it seems like the whole world is turning their back on you, and it seems like you are losing friends? or all of the friends you can turn to suddenly have problems of their own that you find is your responsibility to deal with. is it just fate to solve other problems but live with your own? who do you turn to?
my parents won't let me go to the psychologist, says it's all in my mind and that i am a drama queen. but this really hurts to talk about and to live with. Venom? You understand what this i, don't you? can we talk sometime. i think we can find reason and answer within eachother...

-nehxaa666
 

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sure we can talk its what I'm here for....whenever you need me just ask...its my calling.


and to answer your question...I myself was recently within the past month thrown into a onslaught of pain.

I'll just give you the list.

1)I'm a senior in highschool
2) I realize this is the last time I have to be a kid, and that beyond this point I'm alone and I must fend for myself in this world
3) My girlfriends father basicly told me he'd kill me if I tried to talk to her again, basicly cause I'm black and she's latina....he says its because I'm 2 1/2 years older than her. And we've been together for 10 months...and now he's starting to tear us apart.
4) Not just that but since we've been together everyone's tried to tear us apart(family, friends, bestfriends)
5) I consume everyone's emotion yet I have no help for myself.....cause I see myself as unworthy of anyone's help...cause I don't feel like I deserve such glorification from others.
6)I've had a fight with my friends, cause they disrespected me....so I cut them loose, and I've realized there just comes the time when you have to do it.
7)I get depressed when i'm alone, cause I have nothing to concentrate on..


yes it seems like alot, but I manage to get through it, because like I said standing up for what you want and believe in is what makes me keep fighting.

It's what "keeps me drinking that glass of water", but unlike most I really taste it and appreciate it. to help others is my cause its what I was meant for...and as long as I'm still breathing its what I will continue to do for the rest of my life, even if I have to sacrifice life and limb to do so....

such is my nature....

sure I feel like its too much, like I do now....and I don't come to anyone, because I don't feel worthy of anyone's help...

I feel lost, I'm too far gone, when I haven't done anything feel that way...I don't wallow in my sorrow, I just realize I'm not the best person, that I have flaws.....it's what makes me human and oh so easy to talk to...

and sure I fell like I can't talk to anyone, cause most of my life I've never been told I was awesome, that I was a great looking guy, that I actually did make a difference, not until this year...did I realize that because I've lived in such a state for so long I don't know how to change...though thanks to Ana its starting to make some difference...I mean from what girls tell me now I'm a good lookin guy, but for going so long and not ever hearing it, its hard to phathom, to be afraid to let others truely see who you really are...its hard to do..... to live in the shadows for so long, when you come to light you stumble before you truely see things as they are....

emotionally holding things in and turning your back on the truth just makes things worse, hell you feel like you must do it to set your mind at ease, but it doesn't help...it just sends you deeper into your soul the black abyss that has consumed your inner most thoughts and dreams...

like I said when you need help just ask me

tis my purpose, tis my cause...

~the Fallen Angel~
 
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Nehxaa666

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venom, i am glad that this thread was started because it gave you the chance to let others know your inner most feelings and problems and now people can help.
I hope that i can be the first to attempt and help you with any problems.
after all, we are both god forsaken angels and we must stick together.
discrimination is awful! i think that anybody that holds grudges or show cruelty to those not of their race are only insicure about themselves and are still immiture children on the inside.
They have been psychologically scarred to believe that people like them possess danger, and that is pretty bad when added to a daughter's protective father, that's just horrid.
but believe me that if it is not working out with her, than there has to be somebody else out there or a greater purpous to your life.
god gives us each a purpose that we must follow. ours, as far as we know are to help others with their problems and to be there when others need help. this is our fate, and i hope that your outcoming is better than mine.
we all have to face being an adult after some point in our life and we all must face being alone. its just that some people suffer from this thought, some rejoice, and some don't even understand this concept until its too late in the game.
there have been many people like us before and some have died, some have lived, some have suffered, and some have escaped, but we all must let our fates go along and they were blanned beforehand.
what people don't understand really is that we really don't have any choice in our lives and just have to go with the way things are planned.
however i have another riddle for this thread. what happens when an angel promises the devil their soul in exchange for the happiness of everybody they ever met in their lives. and in addition, an eternity of service?
how long will it take the devil to appear and make final arrangements for the sworn trade off? is it normal to live in fear after one makes this mistake and is it monsterish for one to still want to give themselves up just because they failed in their duties?
why must there be suffering and pain? why would god put humans through this if he wants the best for us?
 

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God puts us through this because, he knows our breaking points, he knows how much we can withstand, he knows there will be much worse to come in our lifetime. Now it seems like hell itself cause of the everlasting torment thats consumed our souls already, makes it feel even worse. Things get worse, things get better, bad things happen to the people who go out of their way to make things right. And you must know in your heart at the same time that there is no rest for the wicked. THey may not seem to feel internal pain and having a bad streak of pain like we protectors do, but again you must remember that those same people are either stupid and blind to whats goin on around them, or they just don't want to believe it so they make themselfs believe the lies they tell themselves to keep from submitting. Eventually everyone suffers, physically or emotionally hell even mentially at times. We are all given that special "Itch" that provides us with the sense to know how to neuture and charish our lives as well as others. The only problem is nowadays people don't see it necessary to acknowledge such a gift, so they refuse to believe in such ideals, and they just pay for it in the end. We all suffer one way or another if not in this life-whilst on earth, in your soul, mind, body.....then in the hell because of the blind ignorance for many years of not wanting to face it.

And I believe anyone has the potential to change a deal, to somehow manipulate their own fates, as far as making a deal with the devil and break those vows undone, one can become filled with purity, and the light that shines inside all of us although at times its hard to find. One always has the possiblity to change, one can live life for other protect others as they can, be there for them, but in return be loyal to one's self aswell, and not let it consume you not let the darkness, the evil eclipse your thoughts.....I know at times trusting people is the last thing you could ever want to do but trust me having someone to confide in helps relieve the pain a great deal. You can still analzye the events unfolding, the pain and sorrow tearing the world apart around you....and you can still do what you can to help keep it from continuing to happen....you just can't give in to the evil, resist it, I know it may be hard but it can be done....you may have to come face to face with your inner most demons to fight off such an entity, you have the power, you have the strength inside you to defeat it. YOu may not see it now but its there.


again no need to thank me, because this is what I do....

its my nature....its my gift, my curse....

~Fallen Angel~


and thanks for the whole talk thing...but you know its not that me and Ana aren't working out because we are the absolute best thing for each other, its just everyone else that thinks differently......
 
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Stavvy

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Well, screw everyone else! What the hell do they know, anyway? If you're happy that's all that matters...(wish I could take that though)...
 
T

Tyler Durden

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what can I say, I'm the one everyone comes to when they need help solving there problems, I've always cared about the well being of others, no matter how far it takes me, if I die or not. Because I understand to truely understand someone, to truely take away their pain you must consume and absorb its very essence into yourself, making you a vessel...for pain, sorrow, depression...making you the ultimate marter (emotionally) for everyone who's ever had a problem, and needs it solved

its what I do...
its my reason for being


that's deep.

I am the same way, with one difference to you and Stavros:

Even though I absorb OTHER people's problems AND i have a few of my own every once in awhile, I have NEVER thought of killing myself. I read books, play video games, and do other things so that I' m always at least fine with myself.

Not saying that you guys are weak or anything, but killing yourself: I never really got it. Here are a few reasons not to:

1: The PS3 launches in a week
2, you've never been married/in love
3: your friends would grieve you, at least for awhile
4: the devestation to your family
5: no proof as to whether or not there is a heaven or hell. I suppose you would become a Nobody- nothing. nothing but darkness
6: You can't see what shape and color the new marshmallows in lucky chrams will be. ( i stole that froma 90's funny song)

__Venom__ you are smart. Probably coming from someone 3 years younger than you it probably doesn't mean much, but trust me, I'm mature enough to actually see intelligence.

Even on an online forum for Kingdom Hearts
 
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