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kairigirl

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Kay, working on a story (novel-length, hopefully), and I want some crit on the prologue. (as a warning, I won't post more, simply because I kind of don't want to the put the whole story out there, just want crit on the prologue). So...here!

Enjoy!

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The Vanishing Woods had always been off limits to Civilians. It was dark and gloomy and the trees touched the clouds, their branches grasping their neighbor’s trunks like a child’s hand grasping a mother’s arm. There were so many and they lay so intertwined that to walk beneath them was like walking in a leafy palace. It looked like twilight in there, even when the sun was at high noon and the brush of the Whispering Plains gleamed golden. Of course, night in the Vanishing Woods was like the pools of pitch black ink that the famous writers use. Night was perilous to Civilians in the Vanishing Woods.

The Woods stretched for as far as the eye can see. It waved across hills for miles and miles like a leafy ocean. To the west of the Woods washed the Milky Sea, named so for the froth that layered its waves that lapped against the magnificent roots of the Vanishing Woods. Its eastern border was lined by the Falling Cliffs which flew higher than the eye can see. The trees grew right to its edge and the top is full of unmapped mysteries. On the other side of the cliffs, which admittedly made a thick wall in nature, grew the Pinebred Mountains, a monstrous range that stretched even further south than the Vanishing Woods. And to the north…
well, no one knows what lies to the north. For the Civilians the north is the Vanishing Woods. Whatever lays north concerns most definitely not them.

Few had ever lived in the Vanishing Woods. Well, this is what’s taught to Civilians in order to keep them out. If there is no one in the Woods now, why bother? But alas, the Vanishing Woods held many mysteries. Deep secrets waited in its depth and surprises lurked around each corner. Many a wild animal haunted the floor and lower boughs of the trees. Critters found houses in burrows and roots, master thieves of the Woods. Furiously brave birds dared the skies and canopy of the Woods, preying upon the imposters of their canopy and the fish of the Sea. Biting insects swarmed all areas of the forest with vicious needles. The shrubbery of the Woods was dangerous as well. Poisonous mushrooms and sour berries littered the grounds. Sappy trees dotted the Woods like the pox dotted a sickly child. The Vanishing Woods could be a Civilian’s doom.

Although this is what is said about the Woods, Civilians leave out the good things, or they just don’t know about these things. Bubbling stream striped the Woods, all said to find their origin in a hot spring of delicious water and calming auras. Many push this idea way, however. They figure it is as unbelievable as the sparkling lake that is said to be bottomless and nearly impossible to see across to the other shores. In order for this to happen, there must be a break in the trees, and alas, no one has found such an opening in the trees, although some speculate it could be found in the Pinebred Mountains, but so many more doubt this.

But the most amazing inhabitant and surprise of the Vanishing Woods is also an unknown one. Civilians have no idea of it. But I, I know what this strange inhabitant is. They are the most fascinating and my personal favorite. It is an intelligent but brutal Race. They are fiercely kind but at the same time fiercely cautious. Few have had the honor of seeing this Race. The inhabitants are beautiful, vain, and full of pride and honor, though all hold deep secrets, both individually and as a whole. Their language is luring but only they know it (well, there is a select few that have ever understood it and been allowed to speak it without having their tongue cut out), but the inhabitants are taught all languages and so after education they can speak any language they wish. The name of this Race? Ah, you’ll learn in time, but now is not that time. Though hold onto your tunics and stockings or whatever it is you wear because for the next few hours you’ll be whisked away into a land of wonder and amazement. A land of conflicts and ideas, Civilians, and the amazing inhabitants of the Vanishing Woods. A land where the value of friendship and love is lost and found. A land where your dreams come true. Welcometo Imagination.
--------------------------------------------------------

Now that you've read it...would you want more? If not, what could I do to fix it? If so, what did I do right so I know to continue?
Also, what about the name, "Vanishing Woods"? Should it be "Woods" or "Wood"? I have to keep it the same throughout, but I'm not sure which I like better..

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!
 
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Your story sounds awesome and you should keep writing it. You should keep the name ''Vanishing Woods''.
 

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Whatever lays north concerns most definitely not them.
This sounds very unnatural to me, probably because the word order seems off. Try something like, "Whatever lays north of this forsaken wood doesn't concern them in the least." (yeah, I added things to my liking, lol, but that's the basic idea)

Furiously brave birds dared the skies and canopy of the Woods
I generally don't mind the use of "-ly" adverbs (as long as they aren't overused), but if you use them, they should make sense. How can something be "furiously brave"? Is it being brave in a hurry? In this case, it would probably be best to say, "Brave birds", without any adverb.

The shrubbery of the Woods
I don't believe that "shrubbery" would be used in a natural setting like this. Generally, shrubberies are made by someone for a garden, lawn, etc.

Bubbling stream striped the Woods, all said to find their origin in a hot spring of delicious water and calming auras.
Due to the context in the second part of this sentence, it should be "bubbling streams" (plural)

*****

Well, this is only a prologue, so I can't really talk about the story, but it does seem interesting. Just stick with it and you should be fine.

One thing that irked me about the prologue, though, was the end of it. It's just my personal opinion, but I never like it when the narrator stops talking about the story and starts talking about waiting for the rest of the story, lol.
 

kairigirl

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This sounds very unnatural to me, probably because the word order seems off. Try something like, "Whatever lays north of this forsaken wood doesn't concern them in the least." (yeah, I added things to my liking, lol, but that's the basic idea)
For the narrator to call it forsaken would be hypocritical, as the narrator admires the Woods, to call it forsaken would be false by the narrator's standards.

I generally don't mind the use of "-ly" adverbs (as long as they aren't overused), but if you use them, they should make sense. How can something be "furiously brave"? Is it being brave in a hurry? In this case, it would probably be best to say, "Brave birds", without any adverb.
I looked up furiously just now, and the dictionary says it's "full of passion, anger, rage", which I find fits the birds well. I think this word was a mix of my own speaking and the dictionary putting this in, as the birds aren't scared to get what they want and they'll do it in a rage, if that makes sense. I wanted that paragraph to seem as though it was making the Woods out to be dangerous and frightening, and for me, I find anger kind of scary.

I don't believe that "shrubbery" would be used in a natural setting like this. Generally, shrubberies are made by someone for a garden, lawn, etc.
Yeah. XD I actually couldn't think of a word I would use at the time, I'll pry change that to foliage.

Due to the context in the second part of this sentence, it should be "bubbling streams" (plural)
Nice catch! *makes change*

Well, this is only a prologue, so I can't really talk about the story, but it does seem interesting. Just stick with it and you should be fine.

One thing that irked me about the prologue, though, was the end of it. It's just my personal opinion, but I never like it when the narrator stops talking about the story and starts talking about waiting for the rest of the story, lol.
Yeah, I don't think I'll be putting the rest up. Not because I think y'all hate it, but the rest is in pure rough draft and I don't want to start giving you a story that you can't finish.

I'm hoping that when a person starts the book itself, they would actually read the story after the prologue. Usually I think of prologues as the introduction to a story, kind of like how a tour guide would give you an introduction to whatever you're touring before you start the tour, so that's pry why it reads that way.

Thanks though! This helped.
 
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So, I have the time to finish reading this, so I'll give you some critique. Hopefully someone'll return the favour. D:

Overall, it's fairly enjoyable, and I would like to see more of it. Though there is room for definite improvement. Some parts you could have written better to avoid redundancies. Some of the wording you used I feel are not entirely appropriate. The Narrative is a bit bland to me, although it managed to keep me reading, so that means you're on the right track. I'll try cutting it apart for you.
  • Redudencies are bolded.
  • Inappropriate wording are in italics.
The Vanishing Woods had always been off limits to Civilians. It was dark and gloomy and the trees touched the clouds, their branches grasping their neighbor’s trunks like a child’s hand grasping a mother’s arm. There were so many and they lay so intertwined that to walk beneath them was like walking in a leafy palace. It looked like twilight in there, even when the sun was at high noon and the brush of the Whispering Plains gleamed golden. Of course, night in the Vanishing Woods was like the pools of pitch black ink that the famous writers use. Night was perilous to Civilians in the Vanishing Woods.
The first bolded sentence could be written better. I don't really like it when writers use 'and' more than once in a sentence like this, but this is just me.

Italic bit could be worded better. I feel like you're trying to create a magical vision in my mind, but when you use statements like this, it makes it almost seem childish.

The Woods stretched for as far as the eye can see. It waved across hills for miles and miles like a leafy ocean. To the west of the Woods washed the Milky Sea, named so for the froth that layered its waves that lapped against the magnificent roots of the Vanishing Woods. Its eastern border was lined by the Falling Cliffs which flew higher than the eye can see. The trees grew right to its edge and the top is full of unmapped mysteries. On the other side of the cliffs, which admittedly made a thick wall in nature, grew the Pinebred Mountains, a monstrous range that stretched even further south than the Vanishing Woods. And to the north…well, no one knows what lies to the north. For the Civilians the north is the Vanishing Woods. Whatever lays north concerns most definitely not them.
Nothing wrong with this paragraph at all. I'm just going to be picky and suggest 'could' rather than 'can'.

Few had ever lived in the Vanishing Woods. Well, this is what’s taught to Civilians in order to keep them out. If there is no one in the Woods now, why bother? But alas, the Vanishing Woods held many mysteries. Deep secrets waited in its depth and surprises lurked around each corner. Many a wild animal haunted the floor and lower boughs of the trees. Critters found houses in burrows and roots, master thieves of the Woods. Furiously brave birds dared the skies and canopy of the Woods, preying upon the imposters of their canopy and the fish of the Sea. Biting insects swarmed all areas of the forest with vicious needles. The shrubbery of the Woods was dangerous as well. Poisonous mushrooms and sour berries littered the grounds. Sappy trees dotted the Woods like the pox dotted a sickly child. The Vanishing Woods could be a Civilian’s doom.
Since I'm sensing that you want to create a magical feel, I would suggest seperating the first bit into it's own line. It would give the reader of a sense of pause, before they would continue.

Shrubbery isn't really a great word. When I think of shrubbery, I think of a run down garden of some sort.

Although this is what is said about the Woods, Civilians leave out the good things, or they just don’t know about these things. Bubbling stream striped the Woods, all said to find their origin in a hot spring of delicious water and calming auras. Many push this idea way, however. They figure it is as unbelievable as the sparkling lake that is said to be bottomless and nearly impossible to see across to the other shores. In order for this to happen, there must be a break in the trees, and alas, no one has found such an opening in the trees, although some speculate it could be found in the Pinebred Mountains, but so many more doubt this.

But the most amazing inhabitant and surprise of the Vanishing Woods is also an unknown one. Civilians have no idea of it. But I, I know what this strange inhabitant is. They are the most fascinating and my personal favorite. It is an intelligent but brutal Race. They are fiercely kind but at the same time fiercely cautious. Few have had the honor of seeing this Race. The inhabitants are beautiful, vain, and full of pride and honor, though all hold deep secrets, both individually and as a whole. Their language is luring but only they know it (well, there is a select few that have ever understood it and been allowed to speak it without having their tongue cut out), but the inhabitants are taught all languages and so after education they can speak any language they wish. The name of this Race? Ah, you’ll learn in time, but now is not that time. Though hold onto your tunics and stockings or whatever it is you wear because for the next few hours you’ll be whisked away into a land of wonder and amazement. A land of conflicts and ideas, Civilians, and the amazing inhabitants of the Vanishing Woods. A land where the value of friendship and love is lost and found. A land where your dreams come true. Welcome…to Imagination.
Everything else is a-ok with me. Keep writing, I wish to read more. <3
 

kairigirl

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So, I have the time to finish reading this, so I'll give you some critique. Hopefully someone'll return the favour. D:

Overall, it's fairly enjoyable, and I would like to see more of it. Though there is room for definite improvement. Some parts you could have written better to avoid redundancies. Some of the wording you used I feel are not entirely appropriate. The Narrative is a bit bland to me, although it managed to keep me reading, so that means you're on the right track. I'll try cutting it apart for you.
  • Redudencies are bolded.
  • Inappropriate wording are in italics.
Yeah, mostly this prologue is trying to set up a scene/setting for the rest of the story, just to give the reader an idea for what to think or expect. I'll pry end up doing serious editing to it someday.

The first bolded sentence could be written better. I don't really like it when writers use 'and' more than once in a sentence like this, but this is just me.
I think I've noticed that when I've put it into Word or something, but never took the time to fix it. Since someone else has noted it, might as well fix.

Italic bit could be worded better. I feel like you're trying to create a magical vision in my mind, but when you use statements like this, it makes it almost seem childish.
I think I see what you mean. I wanted the trees to be tall, but I'll pry end up shrinking them in size someday very soon. I shall find another thing to put there, or just take that out.


Nothing wrong with this paragraph at all. I'm just going to be picky and suggest 'could' rather than 'can'.
Sweet, grammar.

Since I'm sensing that you want to create a magical feel, I would suggest seperating the first bit into it's own line. It would give the reader of a sense of pause, before they would continue.

Shrubbery isn't really a great word. When I think of shrubbery, I think of a run down garden of some sort.
What about foliage? I was thinking mainly the stuff on the ground (the ivy, the trees that don't make it to the top, etc.)

Everything else is a-ok with me. Keep writing, I wish to read more. <3
Cool, I'm glad you like it. I pry won't post more of this particular story since it's still in the works (like...plot-works even, my characters need a reason to "go" still), but I might post bits and scenes later. I do have other stories I could always post though, so I might when I return in the fall. Thank you for reading!
 
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Yeah, mostly this prologue is trying to set up a scene/setting for the rest of the story, just to give the reader an idea for what to think or expect. I'll pry end up doing serious editing to it someday.
Yeah, I undestand. The prologue of a story is where you should show off the best of your work in the story, to get the reader hooked. Don't worry about the mechanical rules of writing, and just let your creativity flow.

I think I see what you mean. I wanted the trees to be tall, but I'll pry end up shrinking them in size someday very soon. I shall find another thing to put there, or just take that out.
It's not really the height that's a problem, it's more about the word you used to describe the height.

Sweet, grammar.
Only being picky to help you out as best as possible. D:

What about foliage? I was thinking mainly the stuff on the ground (the ivy, the trees that don't make it to the top, etc.)
Foilage works much better, yes.

Cool, I'm glad you like it. I pry won't post more of this particular story since it's still in the works (like...plot-works even, my characters need a reason to "go" still), but I might post bits and scenes later. I do have other stories I could always post though, so I might when I return in the fall. Thank you for reading!
Please do so, I look foreward to more. :D
 
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