We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One/One



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Noel

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Here you go! This was indeed my present to you all, lately I've been wanting to write a masterpiece. As much as a "wtf" moment there. I've been wanting to write a very conflicting story. If that is the right word for it. Unlike Esprit' Frame, which is more happy go lucky, and unthought out, We Were Loyal is going to be more thought out story wise, character wise, and overall wise. If that makes any sense at all. oh and also, the main goal to achieve this is having Ms. Wafer Bar being absolutely shocked with each chapter. Merry Christmas!

We Were Loyal
Commander's Writings: 42nd

I don't know what to feel, I wouldn't know how to feel. The children that could put a smile on anyone who had even lost their best friend. At a time like this though, seeing their completely heartbroken faces. Their tears being disguised from the pouring rain, and soaking everyone's charcoal clothing. I hardly believe or think that anyone could leave a smile to remember for today.

The Commander closed then pocketed his personal journal and pen to look away from this sad scene. He couldn't stand to see this ungodly sight, death had this over gleaming odor in the noses uve' the whole town. It had felt like hope had just disappeared in the eyes uve' the hundred thousands who had taken their time to see this funeral.

A young suave man dressed with long sheltered but dishelved jet black blue hair, he was about the same age as the Commander and approached him in a slow pace. The Commander was dozing off seeing the splashes uve' the raindrops roughing the roads through the city but snapped back to see the glint uve' the family Crest. Immediately the Commander snapped back into focus and looked at the young man. "You know you shouldn't be walking about without my guards around you Carmyne." The Commander said as he brushed his soaked dark auburn hair to the side with his fingers as he looked at the guards keeping an eye uve' the funeral. He noticed a few were flirting with the town girls as they looked at the flowery around the square.

Carmyne responded to the Commander's protective gesture "Sven, you know that I could take on any uve' the Royal guards, and even you. An Imperial Knight, who has been said to have the strength uve' 100 men." He said nonchalantly as he pretended to fence with an imaginary sword in the air. Sven smiled and looked back at the Guards who were flirting the young girls who had rejected them as they pointed at him, perhaps saying that they would only go on a date with the Royal Army's strongest solider. The two guards noticed that Sven had seen what had happened and nervously waved at him. The young commander took his hand and brushed his two fingers to tell them to get back to their routine.

Sven looked back at Carmyne as he heard a strange train like noise in the distance. His right ear twitched as he focused on the distinguished noise, but it was perhaps just another shipment uve' weapons for the recruits. Sven responded with a boastful chuckle "Lord Carmyne, if you do want to show your strength like this. You should flourish in the battlefield with I and become the 5th Imperial Knight in our country. Since you are not next in line to throne, as your brother is."

Carmyne scoffed as he flourished his imaginary sword and pierced it to the ground before advancing the conversation. "Perhaps, but I have better things in mind. I need to talk to Lumis about some ideas." Before Sven could reply, he heard the same distinct noise from the train, was it supposed to be on route at this time? Especially when King Creanville had just passed away? "I'm sorry Carmyne, something is bothering me. Do you hear that train?" Carmyne scratched his head as he lifted his bangs away from his face. "Yes. What uve' it?"

"Guards!" Sven commanded the same very guards that were shut down by the town girls immediately stood in front uve' the dashing commander. "Is there a shipment for the Armory scheduled today?" he asked. The two guards looked at each other as the rain began to pour heavier. One looked his up to scan his brain for any memories uve' any shipments. "Actually Commander, the Stations should be closed due to the Kings Funeral today."

Instinctively Sven stormed across the porch he, Carmyne and the Heart Broken Guards were conversing on. "Guards. Protect Lord Carmyne and do NOT let him out uve' your sight. Find Lord Lumis and do the same." Carmyne being restricted by the two guards who prohibited the Lord to not move forward a single step, he screamed the Commander's name. "SVEN! SVEN!" The funeral attendees turned around as Sven walked away from the burial.
 
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Roxie1563

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One

Mm, another story to read about from you, dear Noel. :D

It's too early to judge this on a single chapter, but what got to me is the characters. You've made them feel real to the readers and that's an impressive thing to do. ^_^

I'm curious to see where this goes and you've got me hooked on it! :D
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One

oh and also, the main goal to achieve this is having Ms. Wafer Bar being absolutely shocked with each chapter.
^ This amuses me greatly. I wasn't expecting to be apart of your goal, Noel.

Your new story is really exciting and thrilling! To think, this has only just begun! I like the over cocky Sven already. He's pretty intuitive knowing something was off. I wonder if the former King being dead has caused a rebellion or perhaps somebody else seeking the throne before Lord Lumis can take it? I really can't wait for the next chapter and to see what happens next.
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One

Looks good for a start, so keep the train going. As for differences between this and Espirt, the tone for this seems a bit more serious than Espirt, though there isn't a lot to work with just yet.
 

Noel

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One

Yeah. Two months late. Mah bad.



An ever increasing murmur was radiating from the funeral attendees. Almost as if it was static from a radio, as it grew more harsh in Sven's ears. Shut up why don't you? The Commander's eyes were piercing through the downpour uve' water as his destination uve' one uve' Alto Sol's guard stations. He swifted by two Guards who had been positioned there to inspect the funeral goers. They looked at him with a somber look in their eyes. "Already leaving Commander?" both asked in unison. He wasn't phased by their question as he continued his way. "Protect everyone. That is an order." Both guards stopped following the bee-line that Sven had created replied boldly with valor in their hearts. "Yes Sir!"

Sven smiled. "Good boys."

What is going on? There should be nothing going on in any uve' the stations today. Sven knew obviously that something was being thrown off. All the worse was that the storm had gotten worse. Harsh gales had passed through Alto Sol's grounds. Whisking away forgotten papers, signs, and anything that wasn't bolted on the streets. He made his way to Honor's Way, the only street that leads to the closest station. He looked left and right and saw a substantial amount uve' Guards helping the elderly and other civilians make their way back to their homes as some were posting on every corner keeping their eyes peeled.

"Commander!"

One Guard however without his helmet, letting his blonde hair soak up the rain. The Guard had ran up to Sven holding his personal weapon tossing it to the Commanders hand. Sven reached his arm out towards the direction uve' the sword and pulled it back as his fingers wrapped around the sheathe in a perfect motion. "Stahn, you're supposed to be on the other side uve' the City! What are you doing here?" Stahn grinned as launched his foot in a long stride before taking a harsh turn and going the other direction before cupping his hands on his mouth. "Figured my Brother would need this just in case anything happens!"

Typical. He thought, he began to sprint with his sword—Aurellion— in his right hand.

~

Sven was near the Station's Gate, seeing no train coming from either side. As he got closer, he had noticed that gate sliced and half with one part flat on the wet ground creating a small pool. He continued in to the entrance cautiously, slowly unsheathing Aurellion out uve' it's scabbard just slightly. He went through the actual buildings opening to find an entire regiment uve' Soldiers missing from the depths uve' this safe haven. Sven looked around and saw nothing but emptiness. The candles were lit, the lights were completely gone and only a few had flickered once or twice every minute. Perhaps a blackout or a fuse went out? Everything was in order, and there was no hint uve' any struggle. Tables, chairs, and even the couches were all kept neat. Sven slowly walked his way into the middle uve' the room, and shouted, his roar emitted through the empty hallways of the station.

"Neir Battalion!"

Once the echos uve' the Commander's voice slowly dissipated away, followed by a silence accompanied by the stomping rain.

There was nothing. but only to hear a mild rumble enter the corner uve' his ear.
 
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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Deux

This is so suspenseful! I felt like I was standing alongside Sven as he checked on the gate and fellow guards! Seriously, this is incredibly detailed and definitely worth the long wait; because the chapter was exquisite to read. Does this mean, Stahn is Sven's brother? I also wonder what's coming; given the rumble he hears! Can't wait for another update, Noel!
 

Noel

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Deux

I had so much fun writing this chapter, I'm excited to get already get writing! I'm glad you guy's are enjoying what little I have so far. Seriously I feel like I'm writing a lot but evidently not. ;.; cx




Sven was known as an Imperial Knight after all.

As soon as he heard that mild rumble enter his ear, he could precisely tell where the noise came from. It sounded like a single book from a shelf had drifted off and fell to tile floor, followed by a slight gust uve' air from the same direction. In a sheer moment, the Commander's right ear twitched, to him grasping Aurellion's white leather handle. Pivoting his left foot so he could face the direction uve' the noise, then tossing out Aurellion, creating a skern noise as it was ripped out uve' the scabbard. Silence came in again and everything became quiet, only to have the endless rain march down the city.

The launch uve' his sword was for nothing, but other than to accompany the buzz uve' a nearby mosquito.

Damn. He thought quietly to himself. Seeing his ice white blade pierced through the spine uve' a thick a book, past the shelf, then the wall. He stared at the same wall again, walking to pull out the sword from the sto- shelf. Sven wrapped his fingers around the white handle once more, pulling it out uve' the first time ever, wooden, then paper sheathe. However this was a bad idea, as the tip uve' the edge from Aurelion was pulled, it also brought to the Commander an avalanche uve' books as the shelf fell down on to him. Hitting his head and as the rest uve' the books fell to the floor around him.

As the noise uve' falling paperbacks came to a close, only the rain was the only thing to be heard. Sven stayed still, letting the cherry wood shelf lay on his head as if he were the bad joke uve' a lean-to. He sheathed his sword back to it's scabbard, as the hilt went to a stop, the same mosquito from earlier landed on Commanders neck. He ignored the insect's presence and proceeded to push the shelf back to the wall.

Sven felt a sting on his neck, and waved the mosquito away, he rubbed his neck to feel the small bump beside his Adam's apple.

Then he heard it. It was the train, and it was heading towards the station. He rushed out to the back uve' seeing the locomotive rushing it's way like a bullet. It was going it's way ungodly fast. "There is no way I can stop it." Sven said. Something didn't make sense. This was the farthest east station you can go, why are they leaving Alto' Sol? "They couldn't possibly gotten what they needed already." He then saw a good amount uve' soldiers, not from his ranks on top uve' their newly acquired transport, rifles in hand. Some hanging from the side with the other.

They were guaranteed not friendly.

They fired at Sven without warning. He dodged and rolled out uve' their line uve' fire, and covered behind a pillar wide enough to protect him from the bullets. Those were not warning shots, as he could hear the volley continue, chipping away at the pillar. There was only one thing the Commander could do and this was the moment to do it.

He heard the roar uve' the train grew closer and closer and in an instant he dragged Aurellion out, causing sparks to fly from the edge uve' the scabbard, piercing and slashing it's way through the metal uve' the train. More sparks emerged from both metal from the sword and the steel in the train. However it was natural for his blade to turn red. After a few moments, Sven threw himself up on top uve' the train pulling his now crimson red blade out.

Once his feet landed, he felt slightly dizzy and felt off balanced. Only a groan was his reaction. What a pain. He thought as his blade was nearly turning the pouring rain to steam as it got anywhere near the hot metal.

The unknown group uve' soldiers began to charge forward on top uve' the train as they fired against Sven. However they didn't know one thing, the train nearly tripled in its speed due to the Commander damaging to the main engine. Whatever they have had stolen, isn't going anywhere. They won't have enough time to slow down the train, because beyond the city's outskirts. The tracks are an utter dead end that leads to a side uve' a mountain.

Sven was determined to destroy the train if push comes to shove. Well in this case. Push comes to launched like a super mega death rocket. The train finally hit the outskirts uve' Alto' Sol, and so Sven sprinted forward as troops continued firing at him. He brandished his blade and reflected the bullets away almost perfectly. He came near a few soldiers and slashed each one gracefully with out hesitation, having them fall out beside the train. Why do I feel sluggish? It was hard for anyone to tell, but he noticed that something felt off about him. He felt as if boulders were attached to him and straining his body, but he continued eliminating the soldiers one by one with quick successful slashes.

"Only a few left." He said to himself, he looked around him and saw that he was going through a grassy field, he knew that in just a few moments they'll be at Vwryzer's Bridge. He started moving towards the rest uve' the soldiers, although this time there a substantial amount uve' presence that he wasn't 100% anymore. Like his blade, which reverted back to its white color, his movements showed something extra that were never present before.

His breath became heavy and he had to drag his sword after each slash, not able to follow with another slash consecutively. Sven managed to cut down their whole group and leave only a quarter left, however he had nothing left. He was on his knees. Vision blurring, as soldiers came to closer to him. The exhausted Commander could only remember one thing, they had made it to Vwyzer's Bridge.

BANG!

Sven, as with Aurelion became like the rain and fell into the oceanic abyss underneath the bridge.
 
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Annoyance

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

I'm gonna take a look at this tonight I hope, if I manage to get my printer working I'm going to get a full critique going. How exciting! :O

One question though, it seems you use "uve'" instead of the word "of" a lot. Is there any reason for that?


edit: Alright so I've read through the first chapter and it definitely has some issues. You have a bit of exposition through unnatural sounding dialogue that I'll point out, some strange wording that needs to really just be rearranged. You have a good set up here, and I'm interested in the rest, but there's a lot of formatting issues as well that kinda stop me in a lot of places. Also, keep in mind that it's pouring. There are a lot of things that kind of bothered me that, like how the girls are nonchalantly walking around this depressing, overbearing funeral, while the city is literally packed with apparently 100,000 people [that's pretty much a football stadium of people.] and turning down flirty guards that also feel the loss of their king. Where is this being held? The square or a cemetery? It would make sense for a cemetery considering it's the burial, etcetc. 100,000 people showed up and no one has a single umbrella by the way? Why doesn't Carmyne goof off and fence with a closed umbrella?

You're kind of focusing too much on some parts and skimming over others. Like you didn't bring up that Sven was on the porch [porch of what?] till the end of the chapter. I thought he was in a car or something overlooking the funeral from a distance. Or mentioning that he's dashing at a random moment. It just felt irrelevant and like you're telling me he's good looking, not showing me.

Also, Carmyne's hair needs to be better explained because you have two contradicting statements "sheltered [which i don't even know what that means hair wise] but disheveled" and "jet black blue hair."

To be simple, long [how long?] but messy [how messy? why is it messy? the rain?], that shines blue? Hair can't really be black and blue at the same time. Dark blue is a thing, and blue black is a thing, but really it's just black hair that shines and reflects blue in the light, which wouldn't be a thing because it's pouring as hell.

Oh, and the "strange train like noise" that sounds like a train, and is in fact a train seemed kinda useless. You should probably specify the noise you hear when you hear a train in the distance instead here.

This got long, my bad, I'll try to post a full critique later, but I wanted to put all my comments out before I forgot.
 
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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

I'm gonna take a look at this tonight I hope, if I manage to get my printer working I'm going to get a full critique going. How exciting! :O

One question though, it seems you use "uve'" instead of the word "of" a lot. Is there any reason for that?
Yeah, there is. ^_^ He just wanted to be different from others and it sounds cooler that way... xD

And if you liked this story, you should check his other one called Esprit' Frame. It's similar to Gundum Wings from Cartoon Network, only better. ;)
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

Yeah, there is. ^_^ He just wanted to be different from others and it sounds cooler that way... xD

And if you liked this story, you should check his other one called Esprit' Frame. It's similar to Gundum Wings from Cartoon Network, only better. ;)
That makes absolutely no sense to me.

I'm not really into mecha anime [that also isn't made by CN??? they just aired it i mean] so I'm not sure, I'll try to find time.

But yeah, edited my post before with a bunch of comments and more questions I feel should be asked.
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

That makes absolutely no sense to me.

I'm not really into mecha anime [that also isn't made by CN??? they just aired it i mean] so I'm not sure, I'll try to find time.

But yeah, edited my post before with a bunch of comments and more questions I feel should be asked.
I think Noel explained it better than I am doing at the moment..

Maybe I'm thinking of Fox Kids those years ago. Really, read it and you'll enjoy it like I did as well Kit Kat. ^__^
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

I think Noel explained it better than I am doing at the moment..

Maybe I'm thinking of Fox Kids those years ago. Really, read it and you'll enjoy it like I did as well Kit Kat. ^__^
I'm just getting back into the swing of things so mainly I just wanna get done what I can get done heh.

Oh, and I found a picture of 100,000 people to give you an idea of why I don't think it would necessarily work for the setting you have:
https://365pwords.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/stlouis2.jpg

That's a lot of people to focus on like you have it, in a "town" rather than a large city or capital, to generalize ALL of their feelings. You get what I'm saying? It allows for a lot of contradiction. The hope is gone from everyone's eyes, but guards still feel like flirting? Kind of weird if you ask me.
 
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Noel

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

Oh don't worry about it being long, I am absolutely grateful for your critique. It's always been a problem for me being inconsistent. At times I usually put too many ideas at one point and it does lose most uve' its quality. I might have gotten an implied idea, that the reader will already generally assume that umbrellas will already be out since it is raining. I need to stop that. Perhaps elaborating more on one thing before moving on to another should be my utmost priority. I do hope besides all that when you read the next two chapters there is somewhat an interesting story behind. If there are more or maybe less expositional/formatting issues that I did on later, or not. I'll be sure work more on what you said in the next bit. ^^
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

Maybe try to write TOO much and during the proofreading process widdle down what isn't necessary. It's easier to take away than add.
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

That is an ungodly point you have there. I'm not surprised I would have ever thought that. If I haven't said it enough, thank you for your help. I do really appreciate it. <3
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Drei

No problem. Still curious about the uve' thing because I've just never really seen it and it seems weird. :v

Edit: I'd like to fully edit this, as there are a lot of formatting and grammatical things that I need to point out, like some sentences in your first part actually aren't even sentences grammatically and don't work.

Another is the use of uve' in your writing, versus your use of it in your personal posts. Which I can just mention here I guess.

In your writing, I personally feel it'd benefit you to avoid using uve' instead of of because the narrator shouldn't necessarily be you personally, if that makes sense. In this case it's a neutral camera sort of thing. This is why I got confused why you called him dashing out of nowhere, but that's another problem.

It's perfectly fine if you wish to use uve' in your posts, as that's how you talk, that's how you type, whatevs. But in your writing it's just kind of unnecessary and should be avoided in my opinion. To me it seems like an accent of sorts, right? This sort of thing is fine in dialogue [if you really know what you're doing. this can go horribly wrong if you don't. it takes a lot of practice to nail accents down into writing.] but not so much in standard writing. As far as I can tell, there isn't even a reason for anyone here to HAVE an accent, or anyone specifically with one and one word accented just makes it seem... inconsistent?

I know this all seems dickish of me to focus on, but it's kind of a key point. I'm taking this seriously because YOU want it taken seriously. Literally any editor you go to is going to turn to you and ask, "why though?"

And also, reminding me on dialogue.

"When you have written dialogue," Sabrina paused, and took a sip of coffee, "make sure it's written properly."

"This line is an example of how not to have written dialogue." Sabrina pointed at the incorrect use of a period.

"It should be considered a sentence all together," she said.
 
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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part Deux

This was a fascinating chapter. I'm slight curious if the mosquito is the cause to make Sven fall to his knees and become weakened during the fight. Also, I kind of find it odd how he was messing around with a bookshelf. I feel like I may of missed something within this chapter of him going inside then out, but other then that, the fight scene was EPIC! Also, I hope this isn't the end of Sven! Falling off the bridge took me by surprise! Can't wait to read more, Noel. :)
 

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Re: We Were Loyal — 42nd Part One/One

As much as I want to get Sven out from the watery abyss uve' Davey Jone's locker. I decided to rewrite and polish my writing. Also first person is a thing again.


42[SUP]nd[/SUP].


This was saddening.


Whenever we thought about Alto Sol, at any time through the city’s life, picturing the breeze gently laying the grass on its back. Letting the pollen set there like a bench as it waits for it to whisk away from another breeze, seeing children run across the very same grass, giggling as they play with their wooden swords and little girls throwing dirt at them to go away.


Now at this time, I can’t even picture that.


It was as if the breeze that gave our town meaning had stopped, completely gone. Being shattered by the pouring rain, overflowing the world’s thoughts for this day only. Today, the King had died, and the whole kingdom came to pay their respects. I’ve never seen the children’s faces with this little blank stare, their eyes. No one could see the hope and faith that they always gave off….


I glanced my eyes up from my journal and noticed a soaked figure, pacing their way to me as guards try catching up with him with umbrella in one of their hands very much failing as if they show any glimpse of rush, it will send the public into worry. I had been under a medium sized shelter that protected me from the pouring rain, but I went up to the figure and realized it was one of the princes, one who was not next in line to the throne. I stripped off my blue parka and reached my hands over the prince as came back to the shelter I was in a second ago.

As we both got back to the shelter with the guards behind us, he shook his hair, which showed the slightest blue tint within the black of his hair like a dog just before he looked back up at me with a smile. I tilted my head just so slightly before addressing him. “Prince Carmyne, I do understand that you have been known as the “Warming Sun”, but at a time like this. The people should see that you are a caring prince.” He nodded as he slipped his hand between the guards as he snatched the closed umbrella, using it as a stand as he leaned against it.

“Why do you think I’m called the “Warming Sun” Sven? At a time like this I believe showing that the p-people…” His voiced cracked, it wasn’t from puberty. “…should see that we can move on from the loss of my father. I know good times are ahead.” He’s holding up an ungodly fort. There is a reason why he’s called what he his. He can always make things feel like the world isn’t as bad as it is. Giving him a smile and small chuckle, noticing that the guards turning their heads around to see. “With that attitude you can be a Lion’s Knight, the people need more faith.”

Carmyne became a little flustered as he took the handle of the umbrella and began using it whole as a rapier of some sort. “Lion’s Knight?!” He gave a mighty roar before continuing. “I’m goanna be an Imperial Knight and take your role Sven!” “The Warming Sun, as always.” One of the two guards chuckled. I looked at them as we both shared this little moment. “Back to work boys.” The Guards nodded and began their route around the courtyard. I felt a small shiver going through my body, so I began putting my arms through my parka.

Something’s off.

My right ear twitched, I could hear something entering my right ear however I couldn’t decide on what it was. I let my eyes stare in to nothingness as I let all my focus go to my ears.
It sounded like it was train, and it was going somewhere fast.

Before I could listen on to that noise more, I felt a flat surface poke the armor underneath my parka. I looked back up it was Carmyne. “So what do you think Sven? Do you think I could be strong enough as you?” I smiled as I laid my right hand on his shoulder. “You’ve been stronger than me ever since you were little. Able to give people more hope than I could have, and I’m known as the best who could slay a small army without a single heavy breath. If that can’t give the people the hope they need. You’re smile can. We are all proud of you, especially your father. ”

As much as I wanted this to be a sincere moment, especially with someone who became a true friend of mine and my family when we first came to the city that always breezes.
There came that noise.

The two guards came back from their route earlier as expected, but that’s no surprise. Efficient was something I always tried to master, it was important to keep the peace of Alto Sol’s. Regardless, they came at the right time. “Nothing strange seems to be reported yet sir.” One guard said.

Turning to them as I replied with a rushed tone in my voice. “Good, say, do we have any shipments coming in or out of the station today?”

The looks on the guard’s face were puzzled, this just by itself gave me more worry on my face. “With all due respect Commander, but you’ve said that there will be no access or use of any of the trains or stations for this day.”

Thought so.
 

KingdomKey

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This rewritten chapter in first person was really good. I'm not sure if you'd want me to critique it or not, but I will say there were some noticeable spots where it was slightly off. I am curious if the number 42 happens to mean anything important. C: On the other hand, I really like prince Carmyne and Sven, cause there's good chemistry between the two of them and I really like this better than the original version. Nicely done, Noel!
 
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