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Fanfiction ► Warped(remix)



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Maverick E.S

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Better writting for a newer version of Warped. It's short cause I wanted the cliff hanger at the end.


A girl and boy wandered the streets of Chicago, at 9pm looking for food. Orphans, the only place they had was the sunshine orphanage that they used to live in before a couple of cruel souls burnt it down leaving them without a home. The girl was about 10 years old and the boy was 7, their parents were unknown, and knew not of what became of them.

After a few years the girl vanished over night leaving the boy clueless of where she went. He was beginning to think she had left because of him, that he was slowing her down or something. His life was rough already but now there might have been no hope for him, he was only able to survive because of his sister having his back. Now 10 years old someone was watching and observing him, not from his world but from another universe!

A man sitting in the dark, watching him through multiple video screens seeing if he was the kind of person he needed for the experiment.

“This boy’s energy reading is off the chart, he could of use to the project. Guards bring him to me!”

He sent his guards through a portal to capture the boy, Miles Salrez.

Miles was walking under a bridge at the time, thinking of heading out the city and finding some place he could live. A wide portal opened up infront of him and the 5 guards slowly stepped out.

He stepped back afraid. “Who are you guys?”

The one stepped up to him; they had masks over their faces with dark green armor. With his weapon he knocked him out saying in a breather voice. “Plaz soldiers!”

He picked him up and the proceeded through the portal back to the mans universe. Kane plazmius was his name a very egotistical man who was once good, but a recent explosion that he barely survived messed up his mind.
 

Haku

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This definitely has potential I'll be on the lookout for the others to come and nice cliffhanger btw.
 

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Just some suggestions:

I think using "9pm" takes away from a lot. Rather being specific and saying it's nine o'clock be descriptive, and use adjectives to give the feeling of nine o'clock. They're young, maybe you could allude to a bedtime and that would give the impression of a late evening.

The using "Orphans" at the beginning of the sentence is awkward. Especially since you only suggest that they were orphans by bringing up the orphanage. You could leave a stronger impact by just saying the only place they had was the orphanage.

Let's see the last line in the first paragraph is worded strangely as well. It's like in some weird tenses.

Eh, let's see all numbers should written out unless it's a date or just ridiculously large.

Maah, I didn't read it all, but rereading it is always good. There's awkward wordings and the best remedy for that is reading it out loud.

I hope that helps!
 

Maverick E.S

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Thanks for the help Leora here is the next part:
(Last time)#Miles lost the where abouts of her sister and has been captured and taken to another universe.






Hours later Miles woke up hearing voices.

They go on saying:

“So we proceed on with this one?”

“Yes, use the 902 on him, that’s the last one we haven’t used.”

“As you wish…”

He opens his eyes, strapped to a study table, 3 scientists and Kane surround him. Kane was in his late 20’s with brushed back blonde hair, a goatee, orange eyes with a long red robe on, black pants and black leisure shoes. They were inside a wide spherical room with computers all around blinking on and off.

Kane rubbed his hands together pleased. “Ah you’re finally awake, welcome to the undergrounds of Volden city, your new home.”

“What…where is Volden city?” Miles was still half awake, in his voice you could tell.

“Another universe, you’re going to be here for quite awhile!” Kane turned around and walked off. “You know what to do, don’t let me down.”

The first scientist nodded his head. “Ok its time to proceed.”

Miles was getting afraid. “Proceed with what?”

Ignoring him he gestured the other scientists to get to their positions, above Miles was a big laser looking machine that began lowering down pointing at his position.

“Alright initiate the laser.”

Miles eyes began to water he started moving rapidly trying to get out the chains he was strapped with. “Wait, what are you doing!”

The laser’s point began glowing; soon it began making charging sounds.
Just as Kane was exiting the room, Miles yelled in pain as the laser zapped him. Kane smiled manically closing the door. “Only a matter of time.” He said.

5 years later…

Miles awakes to the bright light shinning in his eyes above his cell. He sits up off the cold stiff bed, rubbing his eyes. 5 years of torture affected his body and changed it forever. During the first year his pains from the sudden changes stopped and he began learning how to control most of them

Over the years though his mind was drastically affected by the experiments, especially his memories, he had forgotten everything from before he got captured and down from that. He know longer knew his real name, he was re named by Kane as Jynx because of his special power.

His powers included:

Energy beams that could also enable him to take control of objects or do the same with his energy beam like using them to create a beam sword or axe.

A slight increase in strength, upper and low body

A defect in the experiment turned out to be a great triumph card, Miles gained a new stronger form during the third year. He tried to go into the form but he lost control of it last time and almost destroyed the underground in the making.


“It’s either now or never…” Miles thought. “I’ve been here too long!”

An escape plan he thought of, he needed to wait till he had his powers some what controlled before he could try…again.

He walked up to his electric bars. He put his hands near them and focused himself. He closed his eyes and breathed in, the bars began disappearing into his hands.

As soon as they were gone an alarm went off. He ran down the room, as the other prisoners began yelling, begging him to get them out too.

Even after all the years of torture, his humanity was still left intact, he turned around and started blasting the bars. They all ran without hesitation. He made sure everyone was out but before he ran with the group a blast from a tranquilizer hit him in the back.




“Ah!” He fell to his knees. He couldn’t move, he slowly started to lose his ability to move but as he was a hand stretched out the crowd of prisoners saying:

“Grab the hand kid!”




Chapter 2: The escape.




Jynx looked up and saw a tall black man with dreadlocks tied in the back, orange eyes just like Kane but with a long scar going down from the side of his face to his left cheek. Medium built with a black and red jumpsuit.

He slowly grabbed it, right before he lost his ability to move.

“You can’t move huh, ok gimme a sec.” He said. The man lifted him up, his free hand grew light green as he put it on his back. In a few seconds Jynx was able to move. He put him down. Jynx dusted himself off and said. “Thank you.”

As the alarm was sounding Plaz soldiers came out the corner. “Surrender and Die!” The one said.

The other on smacked the back of his head. “No its surrender and you won’t die…idiot!”

He turned around. “Hey man lighten up it’s my first day!” A shadow casted on them, as a huge chunk of the floor came flying at them.

They got smacked against the wall. The man’s hands were glowing red, he was the one who threw the chunk of floor at them.
 
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Maverick E.S

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Im gonna post a little bit at a time to see if this will survive on forums:


Jynx looked over at the guards starting to come out from the hole in the wall, with his eyes wide open. “Whoa that was cool, so you have super stre-“. Before he finished he noticed the man was gone, he turned around and saw him running down the hall.

He ran after him. “Hey wait up!” He was glad he got out of that tight spot, if it wasn’t for the man he was following he would’ve been back there.


With gratefulness in his voice Jynx spoke. “Hey thanks for helping me out back there.”

The man stayed quite for a bit, he was trying to find a way out. With a bit of hesitation he answered. “It was nothing, its just what I learned in the war, never leave anyone behind. By the way my names Razor, what’s yours?”

“My name is…Jynx.” He said.

They crossed down a few halls, knocking down more soldiers that came their way. Coming down a dark hallway, with red blinking lights from the alarm, they stopped at a doubled door.

Razor pushed it open and entered into a black room. “This doesn’t seem right.”

Jynx thought of using his energy beams as a sort of illumination, he focused the energy on one hand and as it glowed some of the room became visible.

Continuing fast but cautiously deeper into the room, the huge bright lights shined down on them. There Kane was at the other side of the room with his finger right below the light switch.

Jynx snarled at him, clinching both hands ready to fight. Razor stood their glaring; he began to crack his knuckles smiling in vengeful way. “Kane…it’s been awhile. What do you say we continue where we left off, last time we spoke?”

Kane began walking over to them, looking down on them. “Come now don’t tell me your holding grudges, after all I gave you too shelter, food, super human powers and even let you go outside to play, a lot of people beg for those sort of things.”

“You kept us here against our will!” Jynx interrupted. “You’re going to pay!” He ran after him without even thinking of what he was doing. Closing his hand, he created a energy sword that he was aiming right for Kane’s chest.

He jumped and swung so sure he was going to hit him. Right before he was about to make contact Kane rose his left hand out his rob pocket with a long black sword that digitalized in his hand blocking Jynx. He jumped back, now using two energy swords. Kane took a slash down on him, Jynx quickly put his swords up as a “X” sign blocking. Kane laughed as his other hand was free summoning his other sword.



Jynx jumped back as far as he can but still got a long slit slightly above his stomach. He covered the spot with his right hand, in pain looking up at Kane.

In a taunting way Kane spoke to Jynx. “You’re not really that good at fighting are you? You want me to use only one hand or will it still be too hard for you?”

Jynx lunged at him again, but to his surprise Razor jumped infront of him. “We fight him as a team.”
 

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Do you want more criticism from me?

I'm tempted to tear it apart, but I is lazy. If you give me the go ahead, I'll find a quiet little corner and a red pen.
 

Haku

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I personally didn't find anything major wrong with the updates except I would've liked to see them alot longer.
 

Maverick E.S

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well...I guess I could try and update more but Im gonna need some critique whenever you see something wrong, If i get the time I might have an update up
 

Haku

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Oh alright then, just update the story whenever you get the chance there's no rush.
 

Maverick E.S

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(sorry its short I wanted it to end right before the next new character is shown)

“Then I’ll get to see if you both aren’t rejects!” He jumped towards them, swords coming at Razor going for his left and right side. Razor made his hands green and put up his arms blocking the attack with ease.

“Your left wide open.” Razor extended his arms to their own sides doing a no hand back flip hitting Kane in the chest with his feet, and while Kane was in the air , after Razor recovered from his back flip he jumps up and upper cutes him in the jaw.

Kane flew back hitting the wall behind him, swords fell out his hands with a little bit of blood in his mouth. “Well I see I shouldn’t be playing around.” Wiping the blood from his mouth he gets up grabbing his swords ready for the next hit.

Jynx dashed in front of Razor, he followed close behind. Kane smiled and put away his swords. “Look behind you.”


A 17 year old, with dark blonde crew cut hair, glasses, and brown eyes in a jumpsuit held his hand up, soon a electric screech was heard as a ball of electric shock grew from his hand. “Say cheese.” He blasted Jynx and Razor not even a foot away from them. They hit the ground hard knocked out.

About 15 minutes later they found themselves tied up in plasma chains.

“What the, I thought we were winning!” Jynx angrily said.

While Jynx was struggling to get up Razor was sitting up sighing. “No, someone took us out from behind, I’d say it was Randy, or as he now calls himself Overdrive.”

They were both inside a bigger cell, with a thin beam of light shinning on them. Jynx looked at the electric bars trying to think of something. He moved himself against the wall and tried to move up it to stand up.

“What are you doing?” Asked Razor.


With a determined voice Jynx said. “Since I have powers I’m not a regular human, which means I can take more damage, so maybe I can get through those electric bars if I try hard enough.”

Razor almost felt sorry for the kid, he tried to reason with him. “Kid its not going to work! I’ve tried before.”


Ignoring what Razor said he jumped towards the electric bars getting electrocuted. He stuck to the bars for at least 10 seconds before the shock blasted him against the wall smoking. With his hair sticking up, he puffed smoke out his mouth. “See…what I tell ya…” He fell on Razors shoulder; he rolled his eyes also trying to think of a way out.

It was now night time, Jynx was still knocked out and Razor was just looking at the moonlight, until he heard a guard yelling for help.




Chapter 3: Escape number two



Razor heard another man yelling in a surfer accent “Dude, be quite Im trying to get my friend out of here!”

Razor put on a smile; he could recognize that voice a mile away. “Hey kid get up, we got company!”

He reached over to his face and flicked his nose, he woke up holding his nose. “Ow what was that for!”


“Like I said we have company.” Razor said.

3 guards came flying by the cell in the air screaming, followed by the man with the surfer accent.
 

Haku

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Otherwise good update despite it being shorter than the previous chapters.
 

Haku

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Sure I'll look forward into seeing them then, just try not to rush to put up the next update I can wait.
 
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