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Vanguard of the Dawn (Critique's welcome)

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New member
May 2, 2010
Stepping out of the darkness, and into the light
I am posting a large amount at once, so please forgive me, as the title says Critique is VERY welcome, and even desired if you could take the time. Please Enjoy. I am aware that it posted funny, please forgive me for that.


Vanguard of the Dawn​

Chapter 1:

Any Idiot can face a Crisis

The wind blew ever so lightly. “Alden…” The word itself carried on the wind. The word bore no meaning to those who did not know it. Alden was a town, but it was more than that. To those who knew its secrets. It was a place of culture, harmony, diversity. It was a place of friendship and community.
Places like that in the world were getting harder and harder to find. That’s where we came in. “Looks like we are almost home…” Caden turned to his companions smiling. The young man seemed to shine lightly in the sunlight. The sun’s golden rays reflected off of his silver armor. However, that may have had something to do with the armor being made of metal from space itself. It was also trimmed in a glorious gold. His icy blue eyes seemed to shine as well. His hair reached about halfway down his neck and was a dark black.

His shield rested on his back, it was a heavy kite shield and bore the symbol of a Blue phoenix against its white background. His crossbow and bag of dragon-tooth bolts rested behind it. His sword rested at his belt. The blades golden pommel and hilt were visible. Both of which were amplified by the blue gem at the center of them. The grip was black. The blade and shield were both light, made of the same metal as his armor.

He was happy to be getting home, and his comrades felt the same. They were part of an organization, The Vanguard of the Dawn. Their goal was and always will be to rid the world of evil and injustice. They know this can never truly be, but at least the pain can be eased and eras of peace can come to be. The organization is known only by its members for the simple reason that its people long ago were slaughtered by darker origins that hated the goodness brought into the world by the Vanguard.
Caden and the group had just completed a mission of taking out a small band of Goblins and Orcs. It was simple enough, but they had sent four of the best. Caden was a strong Paladin; he had been both a Paladin and a Vanguard since he was 13. His training had begun when he was 7. He had only just become realized as a Paladin when he joined, but was now a Master Paladin at the age of 21. Just before being sent out he had achieved the rank. He was accompanied by a Mage, a Warden, and a Rogue.

The Mage was his good friend, Lucian Fellscarred, an 18 year old Dakai. The Dakai are a race that respects great deeds. They also originate from a realm of shadow… something Lucyan had been fighting ever since his birth. He hated his origins and the darkness he had to bear. He became a mage to learn its secrets, but became a Vanguard to do what was right. He bore the look of most Dakai, pale skin, shoulder length black hair, and lustrous black eyes. His only armament was a small steel dagger, edged and tipped with dragon teeth.

The Rogue who accompanied him was a close friend of his, Mi Shinku. She was a 20 year old Half-Elf who had become a rogue not out of desire, but out of necessity. Her parents had died when she was very young, and her brother had gone off to become a warden. She had started a small gang, originally just to care for themselves, but soon the whole village. When she was 14, her gang had to defend her village from a large band of Korok, a race of lizard men. Her older brother, who had by this time become a Vanguard, along with Caden and a small group of others, had come to defend the village. During this time she joined them. It was also the first time she met her brother. She bore simple leather armor and black hair usually up in a ponytail, beautiful violet eyes that shone like gems. Her weapons were equally simple, a short sword made of dragon-bone, a dagger made of space metal, and small still shuriken, tipped in dragon teeth.

Then there was the warden. He was the oldest of the group, 28 years old and very strong. He was a human, like Caden, but very in tune with nature due to his Warden training. A warden relies on the primal strength inside them, or the powers of the earth, to fight and protect their allies. This warden used the primal strength within him to take damage and deal it back. He had left at the age of 8 to become a warden and completed his training when he was 18. He wore beautifully engraved crimson armor made of solid dragon bone. His long sword and short sword made of the same material. He also bore a simple steel Trident, which was tipped in diamonds. He had short black hair, in a near-buzz cut. His eyes were simple and brown. He never told his name to anyone, simply to call him… Scath.

“Thank goodness! It will be nice to sleep in a bed again…” Said Mi over-excitedly.

Lucian nodded, “I’d rather like to rest a few days…”

Scath simply looked onward; he wasn’t exactly one to share his feelings, except sometimes with his

They were nearing their hometown now. They had each stopped to by this or that for the meal the group planned on sharing tonight. They went into the building; it was strange that the guard wasn’t at his post though…

Then they saw it as they entered the building, bodies everywhere, injured and damaged. Many people were dead or dying. They had been attacked. The group pulled out their weapons, standing at the ready. They worked their way down the halls and towards the secret room. This room was where the oldest of the order and clients were meant to hide… just in case… No one ever thought it would have to be used.
They entered and immediately saw that the only ones in there were six people… Caden rushed to their leader, Calindon, He was injured badly. “Calindon… What happened here?”
Calindon coughed, “We were attacked….”

Caden sighed, “Obviously but by whom and how?”

Calindon simply coughed again, “Not sure… Not sure how they got in here, black armor… skulls… These five… got me in here… last of us alive are… in here… said something… about not living much longer… They couldn’t have gotten in here… unless... unless…”

Caden felt the last breath leave his leader’s body. He moved to close his eyes, “Rest in peace… Calindon
Strongarm…. Rest in Peace” He stood and turned to the others.

A Young Half-Orc stepped up next, “Unless what…” The Half-Orc said as he stepped forward, he bore spiked gauntlets, bloodied from battle and a Battle Axe on his back, along with a Javelin. The spikes on the Gauntlets as well as the axe appeared to be Dragon Teeth and Bone respectively, the javelin a mere steel. He had dark blue eyes and black hair stopping just above his shoulders.

One of them, an Elven ranger, his pet wolf by his side, stepped forward. “No one could have known what was here unless they were one of us…” He had a bow strung across his back with clearly elven arrows as well as an elven dagger at his belt. His leather armor was a dark black.

A Dragonspawn, a creature very human-like in standing despite being much taller and bearing dragon-like features, looked away, as if in mourning. The Dragonspawn society is centered on honor, an ideal that stems back to their Dragon Ancestry. He had steel spiked gauntlets sitting at his belt alongside a hand crossbow, and a Greatsword with a serrated back edge sitting on his back. His blood-red scales matched in the intensity of his orange eyes. He bore a set of chainmail, lacking the hood that most had and it was covered in white cloth.

Soon a Young Wildborn, A Longtooth by the look of his wolf-like features stepped up. His hair seemed to jump as he stood, then landing back just past the start of his neck. His yellow eyes had an intense look. He bore a black Dragon-Bone scythe on his back as well as a belt with ten small diamond throwing hammers. “So that would mean….”

Another Dragonspawn who, despite having scales, wore silver armor and bore a Dragon Bone longsword at his waist stepped forward. His eyes blue enough to match his scales flared as he interrupted the Wildborn, “There is a Traitor Among us.”

Chapter 2:​

A Traitor Among Us

“What do you mean there is a traitor?” The Red-Scaled Dragonspawn asked.

“What else could he mean?” The other responded with a slight snarl, as if showing some dislike for the other Dragonspawn.

“He obviously means that one of us is the traitor.” The Elf added.

“What makes you so sure it’s one of us? The traitor is likely already gone.” Red Scale responded.

“Or they left him here to see what we would do next….” The Blue Scale said in retaliation.

“Besides,” The Wildborn began, “I can smell betrayal in this room… so the traitor is definitely among

“What do you mean you can-“the Half-Orc began.

“He’s a Longtooth, he has wolf senses…” The Elf said, interrupting the Half-Orc with a sigh.

Red Scale then snarled and turned away. “Strange isn’t it? That they left just a few days before the attack and came back right after it?”

“Impossible, I did not smell them before or during the battle…” The Wildborn said calmly. “Only just a few moments ago were their scents noticeable.”

“Before we make any further accusations, why don’t you tell us who you are…” Caden asked, a bit demandingly. He was rather frustrated and upset. The man who had basically raised him since he had begun his training had just died and one of the people in this room had done it. His Paladin training kept him calm. He felt bad he hadn’t gotten here sooner. He might have been able to heal his leader’s wounds…. If only he had…

He shook himself out of it and looked up at them. They knew him to be a higher rank than them; they were all basically grunts, even if they had been there a year or two. The first to comply was the Blue Dragonspawn.

“My name is Damir Honic. I am 15 years aged, that is the equivalent of a 21 year old human, and I am an Ice-Breathing Dragonspawn gifted with the wisdom of my ancestors. I have taken up the blade and the path of a Swordmage bearing the training of shielding techniques. My life is dedicated to the Vanguard and protecting others with my abilities.”

The next to speak was the Elf.

“Adran Tevlair, sir, at your service. I am 67 years of age, the equivalent of a 24 year-old human among my people. As you can tell by my Bow and dagger I am a ranger. My companion here is a wolf named Guinness. He is very calm and loyal, unless in combat. I am good with my bow to say the least…”
Caden nodded as the first two told their stories and then turned to the others, The Half-Orc, The Wildborn, and the other Dragonspawn.

The first of them to speak was the Wildborn. “I am known as Tor among my people. I am 18 years past birth, the same as the human maturity equivalent. As our Elvish friend has pointed out I am a Longtooth, which means I have wolf-like senses and the ability to become the wolf itself. The scythe is my weapon and I speak the language of my prey, the demons. My hammers are meant only for throwing and quick retrieval when needed.”

The Half-Orc was next. “Kag Orc-born. I was raised by Goliaths and taught to harness the rage in my blood to be a Barbarian. I am good with the Axe on my back. My Javelin is strong when I throw it and the gauntlets, when backed by my strength, tear my enemies to pieces… I suppose I am… 23 years of age… The equivalent in Human maturity.”

Ten minutes passed for everything to sink in, and the other Dragonspawn still had said nothing. Caden looked to him, “Well... Have you nothing to say?”

The Red-Scaled Dragonspawn nodded, “I am called Kadarr Bloodshock…”

Caden, Scath and Mi all perked up at this… he and Damir were from rival clans… Caden nodded, “Continue Kadarr….”

Kadarr nodded, “I am also 15 years aged. I am a Lightning Breathing Dragonspawn gifted with my ancestors’ strength. I am a Fighter and bear the greatsword on my back. I have a set of spiked gloves that are not commonly used and a small hand crossbow used only when needed.”
Caden smiled and nodded, “Good, I feel like we know each other. I am Caden Luminara, these are my companions, Mi Shinku…”

“Pleasure to meet you” She said smiling

“Lucian Fellscarred...”

He nodded to them, “Greetings…”

“And Scath…”

Scath looked up and shot a light glare at Caden.

“I’m a Paladin, Miss Mi over there is a Rogue, Lucyan is a Mage, and Scath… Scath is a Warden.” Caden smiled, but this seemed to set the others back. Wardens were nigh immovable in combat.

He had set them off with the smile. He had been so kind, even with the fact that one of them… one of them had to be the traitor. And he seemed… fine with that…

“Don’t get me wrong…” Caden looked down at his teacher’s body sadly. “I am mourning, but this is no time for loss. No one is leaving till we find this traitor. And I intend for that to be rather soon. I do it not for vengeance but for justice. He did not deserve this... none of these people did. Think on that, whichever of you is the traitor…”

The group seemed to be looking about each other. The Five newer members looking amongst themselves and Caden, Lucyan and Mi, looked amongst them.
Scath just stood in the corner, leaning against the wall, his eyes closed in mourning. Mi shot a quick glance at him to see his sadness. Scath simply would not look up; he was remembering all that Calindon had done for himself and his sister.

“So… Why did you need to know us so badly?” Kadarr asked seeming very interested.

“I would rather like to know myself, if you would please Caden….” Adran said, the others seemed to follow suit, each having an inquisitive look on their faces. The entire lot found it rather strange that he wanted to know such simple things, not things that would mark them as the traitor, such as where they were or what they were doing.

This was just Caden’s way of doing things.

“Oh that… I need to know who to pray for when Scath sends you from this world to the next. I mean, when the Traitor is revealed…” Caden said this, but he wasn’t cruel. He was angry, but not even this phrase was meant to be cruel. It was an attempt to scare the traitor into the open and nothing more.
This seemed to bother them all. To make matters worse, Scath stood up from his position leaning against the wall. He looked to Caden then shot a glance at the Dragonspawn. He walked up to the two, seeming very calm. When he reached them he uttered six simple words.

“Red is the Color of Betrayal.”

Chapter 3:​

The Color of Betrayal​

“Are you accusing me of being a traitor?” Kadarr exclaimed, outraged by this simple accusation. “How dare you!”

“It is not unlike a Bloodshock… You have brought dishonor on your worthless clan” Damir spat, obviously still holding his hatred for that clan in his heart. The loss of his friends, and likely at the hand of a man he already hated and distrusted. He knew the Bloodshock had honor, but believed his insisting that they didn’t, would further upset him.

“How dare y-“

“I can smell your fear, it is intense, like a pup with his tail between his legs. I am surprised that is not where yours is now, considering. You fear, is it because you have been caught in your lie? You were the one who carried Calindon down here! How do we not know it was you who dealt his killing blow?” Tor’s anger was apparent, at the loss of so many good friends; He hated this man, this traitor, for his crimes.

“You tremble with fear, Tor smells it. You fear for your life. You know your sins, and are likely not going to repent. So, will you surrender yourself, or foolishly fight us all?” Caden interrupted, now he could be upset, now he could be angry. He kept his cool, but at least there was an outlet for some of his negative emotions.

“All feuds aside, I say we kill the traitor, we have lost many good men, and even greater allies due to him.” Adran began, although strangely enough he made no movement to string an arrow. It was as if he was awaiting Caden’s judgment.

Kag on the other hand, seemed to have a different plan. “I have been wronged by Dragonspawn in the past, and now you are a traitor without Honor. I will kill you!”

As Kag moved to pull the greataxe off of his back, Kadarr was already reaching for his hand crossbow. Just as Kag’s axe had reached above his head, the light from the torch gleaming off of it, a crossbow bolt went through his skull, causing him to fall on the ground, dying instantly.

Kadarr threw down his crossbow, and turned, hearing the string of an arrow, he let the lightning flow from his mouth, The beautiful and deadly stream of light and energy knocking Adran to the ground paralyzed and injured.

Both Tor and Guinness would jump at him, Tor’s beastlike features becoming more dominant as he changed into a wolf during his pounce His teeth began to lengthen and fur spread across his body. His hands turned to paws as well as his feet. Guiness was snarling, angry at his master’s pain.
Kadarr then knocked Guiness back with the use of his arm, causing him to fly rapidly and powerfully into Tor, which left them both unconscious and in great pain.

He then drew his Greatsword and was now turning to strike at Damir. Damir had somewhat seen this coming, although that had a lot to do with his natural distrust of the Bloodshock clan. He had pulled his enchanted blade from his belt and was ready for battle

By the time Kadarr was about to strike Damir, Damir was already heading for him. It seemed though that Scath interrupted the fight, stepping in the way and blocking Kadarr’s strike with his Long and short Swords.

Scath smirked as he parried away the greatsword, the clash and spark of the blades still hanging in the air. He moved to strike with his short sword. Kadarr blocked with his left arm, the one not holding the sword, leaving it injured and bleeding. The greenish-purple blood dripping down his arm
This gave Kadarr just enough time to bring up his greatsword and bring it down on Scath, aimed directly at his skull.


The sudden sound had startled both Kadarr and Scath. Caden’s shield was standing in between the two now. Caden smiled back at Scath for a brief moment before knocking Kadarr back with his shield.
Scath took this opportunity to jump over him, running his blades through the traitorous Dragonspawn, leaving him no time to retaliate at all.

He stood, removing his blood-coated blades from the body of the Traitor. He then bent down and spit in his face, a sign of great disrespect among humans, but an insult beyond meaning among Dragonspawn.
As everything began to darken for the Dragonspawn, the last bit of life leaving his dying body, he heard it, a word that would have made him angry beyond belief. And yet his injuries s left him only able feel great sorrow


Chapter 4:​


Damir was taken aback by Scath’s actions. “I see you speak the language of my ancestors.”

Scath looked away, and turned around, “It’s a language I know well, and with good reason…”

Mi walked up to her brother. She looked very frustrated and upset. She hit him upside the head, “Why would you do something so stupid! You idiot, putting yourself in front of danger like that! They had it perfectly under control and you run out there and-“

She was cut off by Caden, “He stepped in the way because he thought Damir wouldn’t be fast enough. We would have lost another ally, we already lost two today, and who knows what condition the others are in?”

Mi crossed her arms in a pout and looked away, “Hmm!” She seemed upset, but only slightly.

He went to check on each of them, the sparks had now stopped circulating through Adran. The young elf stood up and looked to observe the damage that had been done, “It seems we have lost a traitor and a friend, no other injuries?”

Caden shook his head, “No, but these two are out cold. They probably won’t be up for a while…”

Adran gave a sly smile, “I can fix that…” He pulled a slab of meat out of his back pack, “Lunch time!”
Almost immediately both the wolf and Tor jumped up. Guinness barked happily and grabbed the meat.

Tor sighed and looked down, “He beat me to it… How’d everything work out here, I guess we won?”

Caden smiled, laughing a bit, “Well then… Yes Tor, we won… but it looks like we have two bodies to bury…”

Damir shook his head, “You do not bury an honorless Dragonspawn…”

Caden sighed, “Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean….” He was then cut of by Mi.

“He is saying that because Kadarr was declared honorless, that’s what Servich means…. Honorless. It is a declaration that the Dragonspawn lost his honor and deserves no burial… Technically, it is meant to be agreed upon by three Dragonspawn, but I don’t think it is needed in this case.”

Caden seemed a bit shocked, he had worked with Dragonspawn so much and had not known this. “Can we at least get him away from this place?”

Damir nodded, “I will dispose of his body, and place him in the forest for animals to feed on, at least something good may come of his worhtless existence.” Damir took the body and carried it away.

Lucian sighed, “I believe we should bury Kag though… He has done nothing to disgrace himself.”

Caden nodded and went over to Kag’s body, closing his eyes and saying a short prayer, “Rest in peace,

Kag Orc-Born… Rest in Peace…” He removed the crossbow bolt from his head and picked up his body, wrapping it. He was unable to find a tombstone, so he placed the body in the graveyard and placed his axe above it, standing straight up.

Lucyan went over to it and mumbled a few words, an inscription appearing on the axe.

Here lies Kag Orc-Born, a brave warrior, he died in an honorable act, killed by a dishonorable man. May his soul rest in peace for all eternity.

Caden gripped Damir’s shoulder as he returned. They had waited for Damir to bury Kag, the two had been rather good friends it seemed. A single tear rolled down his face.

“Are you crying, honorbound?” asked Adran using the term was often used for Dragonspawn by elves who respected them.

“The single-tear, a sign of honor and respect for a fallen ally who was close to the tear-maker.” Caden knew that much, a Dragonspawn performing this act was not to say a word, and was to be left alone afterward.

An hour passed, before Damir returned inside. He was followed by Tor, “I hate to ruin this, but I think we should get going. Whoever wants us dead may get suspicious if they don’t hear from their little spy.”
Caden nodded, “Then let’s get on the road… Pack what you can, and get it in a wagon. Looks like we won’t have our supper. We need to head out if we want to get some answers about all this. “

Chapter 5:​

The Road is a Confusing Place​

On the road again, a place some of them would rather be. Many of them were not often in a single place anyway. A Dragonspawn would rather be seeking ways to find honor for his clan and himself.

Most of the others had simple reasons; a Wildborn would obviously have ties to the nature surrounding him in travel. The others were rather close to the nature with their chosen lives and professions. The warden, a defender of nature itself, the rogue, a traveler. A ranger, living among the trees in all he does.

A Dakai constantly on the run from his past and the dark realm he came from. The only one who enjoyed travel without any sense to it… was Caden. He was a human, a Paladin. A protector, one who usually takes up his guardianship in a city or for some ruler of this place or that.

Why then, did he travel, and enjoy it so?

This is what was going through the minds of Adran, Tor, and Damir. Caden stood there in the breeze, walking alongside their wagon. The way they were traveling looked rather simple. It was in fact a greatly planned defensive position.

Damir walked alongside the horses pulling the wagon, Caden on the opposite side, Scath directly to his right. These three were the most skilled in hand to hand combat, and thus made excellent guards, not to mention the intimidating sight of a Warden, Dragonspawn, and Paladin was quite a highwayman repellant.

Adran sat in the back of the wagon, watching Guinness walk behind, Tor sitting right next to him, an easy way for Tor to pounce out and Adran to shoot. Lucian and Mi sat at the front, guiding the horses. Both could easily go from a simple look to an offensive spell and a shuriken toss.

It was a quiet trip. They traveled out of the city and kept moving. They weren’t quite sure where they were going. Caden , Lucian, Mi, and Scath apparently knew, but the others were oblivious. They felt slightly out of the loop, granted it was with good reason; they hadn’t worked together nearly as long as these four.

Lucian looked to Caden, “Left or right? I don’t quite remember.”

Caden smiled, this was the simplest conversation to have after what they had just gone through, “Left, down the road, we can make camp if we need too, but we should hit Laking by Nightfall.”

“Why Laking? We’re not likely to get much information from a small fishing port town,” Adran asked from the back of the wagon.

“Because Laking has one of our safe houses their. We may find some more escapees.” Caden replied.

“Or we find absolutely nothing, because none of the others made it out.” This trip seemed useless to Damir, why go to a town that had so little to offer.

“In any event, we find a place to stay for a short while.” Caden said with a sigh, looking up at the clouds.

They kept going, eventually coming in contact with a small enough creature. It was a gnome. If Dwarves are small angry humans, Gnomes are the happy go lucky slightly insane Elves.They are also one of the single most annoying creatures in all of Roana.

And Adran hated them.

“Do you happen to know the way to Trolim?” The small creature asked, he had a pack, was he a traveler?

“To the west, it’s about three day’s journey. May I ask why you are going there?” Caden wondered what was going on with this creature; it was strange for a gnome to leave his home forest, stranger still for them to enter a city.

“I wrote a book! About cooking, some Gnome recipes I think people may quite like. Would you like a copy? I rather think you’d enjoy it! The recipes are quite exotic and rather scrumptious.”

“No thank you, we need to be going.” Caden said with a polite smile, poor creature, most gnome recipes consisted of toad and other less than desirable animals and herbs that still require hours of preparation; something they had no time for on the road.

“If you change your mind you know where to find me!” The small little creature went running off into the woods, happy as can be.

“The road sure is a confusing place…” mumbled Lucian

Chapter 6:​

Who Said Nothing Happens In A Small Town?​

The town was quiet as they rolled in. This town was usually bustling with activity this time of day. Not to mention that it was summer, the best fishing season. They pulled up into the town, pulling their wagon up to the tavern. They walked in, and the people were quiet, the ones who were inside.

Something was almost definitely not right. They purchased a meal and some drinks. Sitting at the table they awaited their meal patiently.

Mi sat next to Caden and leaned up against him, whispering to him “Why do you think it’s so quiet?”
Caden shook his head, whatever it was; it was in no way good. “Not sure,” He said aloud, “But I think we’ll find out soon enough.”

When their meal was delivered, they noticed a note tucked gently underneath one of the plates. Caden opened the note, and written, what appeared to have been very quickly was one simple word –


He passed the note around the table, quietly and carefully, so it would not be noticed. The group ate quickly, making small talk so they wouldn’t look suspicious. As they moved to leave the place, Tor stopped, his ear twitching.

“AMBUSH!” He yelled, ducking, knocking some of the others to the ground with him, just as an arrow zoomed past where Adran’s head had been.

In an instant the room had turned into a combat zone. Adran stood, stringing an arrow as the others drew their weapons, standing as well. Many of the “customers” had now drawn weapons and were
engaged with the group.

Damir managed to freeze most of the attackers with his ice breath. Caden then turned to his group, “Let’s move, quickly!”

The lot of them poured from the room and into town. Tor and Adran went to getting the wagon ready to move.

“Leave it!” Caden yelled to them, “We don’t have time, there’s no telling how many of them there are!”

A group of men poured in around them, their faces were covered, and they had on simple black robes. Each of them had long blades, roughly two-and-a-half feet long. Caden looked around the group. “I’d judge about thirty of them…” Caden said to the group, smiling lightly.

“Think we can take them?” Mi asked, smiling as the group formed up, taking fighting stances.

“Only one way to find out!” Tor yelled excitedly, throwing his scythe at one of the men, turning himself into a wolf as he jumped after it, catching it in his mouth. He began to wield the Scythe with expert skill.

Scath and Caden rushed into the group, fighting in perfect succession, Where Caden couldn’t block, Scath could slice and vice versa. Mi was fending them off in perfect expertise as well, her dagger and sword flowing elegantly through the bodies.

Damir had shattered his blade against a building; it only shattered because his magic willed it to. The shards flew about the group, blocking some strikes and also making painful slices in some of their attackers.

Adran’s arrows pierced the ones further from the group. Guiness was in perfect sync with Tor finishing those that were left only wounded by him.

Lucian was well trained with his dagger; he had encased it in magic, allowing him to wield it like a blade, holding it still like a dagger.

The attack was so perfectly timed, and worked together so well. The group fought as if they had been doing it their whole lives.

Slowly but surely they picked off their attackers. They regrouped at their wagon, and piled in, save for Caden and Mi at the head, directing the horses out of the town. Tor, still in his wolf-like form, and Guinness ran behind.

As the group rode away from the town, they were left with nowhere to go, so, despite the sun setting soon, they rode as fast as they could from any city.

“Looks like it was a trap, and we still no nothing about our attackers.” said Damir as he spat at the ground outside the wagon, frustrated.

“We know that they are willing to do almost anything to catch us. And that they are VERY dedicated.” Adran said, petting Guinness as he hopped up into the wagon.

Tor laughed, “And who said nothing interesting happens in a small town.”
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New member
Nov 30, 2010
It's pretty good! I would love to see you continue writing and developing your skills. Let me say one thing though. The introduction to the characters feels a bit clinical. It is as if their stats and appearances are being given by bullet points and the same format runs for must of the character intros. Perhaps you could explain those details throughout the narrative, revealing bits and pieces of the character and their skills/appearances/culture rather then trying to present the whole rundown up front for each. It also becomes a little overwhelming when many races and cultural histories are being shown all at once. Try to slowly introduce the readers into the mythology. Let them ask the questions; let them wonder why a character fights this way, or wear such clothing or acts in certain mannerisms. Them slowly give them the answers and begin to elaborate on culture/fighting styles/appearances/etc.

Other than that, it sounds like a rich fantasy history. I would love to see more!
Thanks for posting!
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