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You're correct. Yeah it's supposed to be over the top.k so...
finished chapter 4
I'm made that glass breaking scene as a dream
it seemed way to awkward to fit as an actual event.
... I'm surprised I never thought of the restaurant thing... aaaah that could have been so much more interesting.I'm not sure I like the Reveal of Sora being gay...at least that way you do it...not that it was poorly done, the writing was different. but while you were going for awkward I think many more awkward situations could have happened.
like still have them have dinner but it be in a crowded restaurant. or something
personally I've never been a supporter of this pairing (past a friends level anyways), or yaoi in general..., but I promise not to rain on your parade. and I think your chapter 5 will be good
Well, I'll say this:^ as I said I told you I'd give a review so you have nothing to worry about
I was able to sit through the yaoi that was written about me so this shouldn't be a problem
So yeah, finished all four chapters now. Aside from just general things that could be done to improve the writing (mostly regarding conciseness and dialog), it's not that bad.
Though, I must say that the 4th chapters seemed to take a downhill in terms of quality. Particularly with Kairi's father's accusation and Sora's coming out of the closet. It felt very forced and unnatural. This is likely more a problem of structure than the actual contents of the scene.
@ underlined: I believe it should be 'had'Sora figured this was probably the worst day of his life. Sora had never felt like this before, nor has he had this many things go wrong in one single day.
"Hold on. Why the hell would I hate you?"
You were missing the red 'and'.Sora sweetly smiled at his best friendand the last tear slipped out of his eyes as their lips met again. He couldn't help but smile against Riku's lips.
Actually I thought the love scene was good It's not to much or too little. But that's just me
But it is Fantastic! I love reading it and it was really funny in some parts So happy how the story turned out. Think I'm going to reread it again, it was just that good =)