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Fanfiction ► unheard whispers



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Glos-Peach

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

[quote]Their fathers[B],[/B] both talking about dull things like politics, policies, news, cars.[/quote]

Maybe instead of the comma, you can use
[quote]; or --[/quote]
Because this way it makes it look like you have somthing more to say, after you mention the things they are talking about, and there is nothing more.

[quote]His mother and Kairi's were chatting about the sort of things you'd expect from two middle-aged married women [B](1)[/B] talk about.[/quote]
Don't you mean [B]TO talk about?[/B]

[quote]maybe that feeling he had that morning was right.[/quote]

You just need to open up a new paragraph here, and use a Capital Letter.

[quote]He yawned quietly and [B](1)[/B] unntoiced [B](2)[/B] and shifted his attention to his right...[/quote]
[B]1)[/B]Unnoticed what? D:
[B]2) [/B]Use comma to seperate between the activities.

[quote]Sora, still hearing what she had said, gave up on the lobster and crossed his arms. Unconciously, he pouted as if he became ten years younger.[/quote]

Dohohoho... >:3

[quote]He yelled out, "What are you doing to my Sora?!" [/quote]
[quote]“Sora…” Riku said inches from Sora’s lips. Their distance was shortening, slowly but surely.
[/quote]

Mmhmm. You definitely made me go more and more towards the screen, with a silly smile while I was awwing. But then Kairi ruined the image. >_>;;


I was just pointing out those little things that made me go FREEZE. I don't know if you would consider chagnging that or not. That's just my opinion. :3

Still, I like this story.
 
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Aria

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

I'm so sorry I didn't get to this sooner! I got home and then I fell asleep >.<



[QUOTE="Annoyance, post: 4837468, member: 493"]
[CENTER]
chaos[/CENTER]

Two extremely bored teens sat next to each other, tapping their fingers on the arm of the expensive red love seat. An ironic name for the two of them, sitting in the over sized[B](1)[/B] chair.

[B](2)[/B]Their fathers, both talking about dull things like politics, policies, news, cars. Kairi looked anxious and nearly pushed herself up to go to the kitchen to check on the food. [/quote]

1. Over sized is two words
2. Fragment. Should be something like "Their fathers were talking about dull things like politics, policies, news, and cars." or something along those lines.

[QUOTE="Annoyance, post: 4837468, member: 493"]
The only problem was, however, that she had done this maybe fourteen times already in the past twenty minutes. This would be the fifteenth and her father was starting to question her. The family had just hired a new maid to help around in the kitchen[B](1)[/B] so he was confused as to why she'd want to go in and help in the first place. [/quote]

1. comma here

[quote]
[B](1)[/B]His mother and Kairi's were chatting about the sort of things you'd expect from two middle-aged married women talk about. Sora heard the word marriage and prayed it was about their own. The boy's hunger and boredom muted them out. He only wanted to eat the food, talk a little, and go home so he could get some sleep. [/quote]1. Should be something like "His mother and Kairi's were chatting about the sort of things you'd expect from two middle-aged married women to talk about." or "His mother and Kairi's were chatting about the sort of things you'd expect two middle-aged married women to talk about."

[quote]
Sora was resisting the urge to really relax and put his feet up on the table but he was pretty sure at least five people would hit him.[B](1)[/B] [/quote]1. Hehe XD

[quote]
A painting hung on the wall next to the [B](1)[/B]enterance to the kitchen. Two bored looking cherubs rested while looking at the sky.[/quote]1. Entrance

[quote]While he was blanking out, he felt a soft pat on his spiked hair and noticed Kairi's father was standing next to him[B](1)[/B] now looking at him with a smile that curved his mustache with it. The hand retreated and her father moved a chair to face Sora and Kairi. He had no visible neck that defined his round head from his matching body which had a green suit wrapped around it. This reminded Sora of a pear with a mustache. Sora uncontrollably smiled.[B](2)[/B][/quote]1. comma here, it seems a little like a run-on
2. Haha, I love your description of her dad and Sora's reaction to him. <3

[quote]
As the man smiled, a buzzing noise came from the kitchen. Kairi got up and ran to the [B](1)[/B]kitching[B](2)[/B] leaving an awkward silence in the room [B](3)[/B]and the buzzing stopped. After a few long minutes, her voice came from the kitchen yelling, "Dinner's ready!" [/quote]1. Kitchen
2. comma here
3. Maybe put this in another sentence or something. It just doesn't really flow with the rest of the sentence.

[quote]
The room's decor matched the living room with pleasent shades of gold and red. Set on the dining table were plates full of food including lobster,[B](1)[/B] turkey. Bowls of peas and corn sat side by side [B](2)[/B]with near the turkey. All the dishes looked more expensive and were more elaborate than the table they were placed on. It was all a calming mixture of things for the adults as they chatted away about politics and other mindless things. [/quote]1. and instead of a comma
2. no need for the word "with"
3. very nice description again, and you made me hungry :3

[quote]
But to Sora, the air had a certain thick, awkward feel to it[B](1)[/B] and he just wanted to get out of there. He knew that, somehow, this night was going to cause utter chaos to creep into his life like snake's venom.
[B](2)[/B]maybe that feeling he had that morning was right.[/quote]1. comma
2. capitalize

[quote]
He yawned quietly and [B](1)[/B]unntoiced and shifted his attention to his right to see Kairi flick a tiny piece of turkey meat to her cat underneath the table. The tan cat swished its tail back and forth as it sat on top of Kairi's feet. The cat's watching yellow eyes stared at Kairi's hand[B](2)[/B] waiting for it to get more [B](3)[/B] and the cat was refusing to get off until it was "properly" fed. [/quote]1. unnoticed. Also, the sentence just doesn't flow right. "He yawned quietly and unnoticed and shifted his attention..."
2. comma
3. Maybe break this into a new sentence, flow again.
Also this cat reminds me of my dog :)

[quote]
Trying to stay [B](1)[/B]more quiet than the adults talking, she angrily replied, "You always are, you twig! You're so rude." [/quote]1.quieter

[quote]
Sora laughed at this and looked down at his plate. He scooped up another spoonful of peas[B](1)[/B] but as he got the peas in his mouth[B](2)[/B], he heard his mother's voice from across the table, trying to get his attention.

"Sora," she said in a kind,[B](3)[/B] but dignified voice. She looked a bit concerned and confused, waiting for her son's response.[/quote]

1. comma
2. no comma here (I think)
3. no need for a comma

[quote]
"Mmph?" Sora replied and held up his finger to signal her to wait, still chewing his peas. Didn't she teach him to not talk with his mouth full anyway? He started to chew faster and swallowed sharply, [B](1)[/B]regreting that soon after, nearly choking on a pea. [/quote]1. regretting

[quote]
“Riku gave it to me,” said Sora, and he nervously went back to turning his peas into a [B](1)[/B]moutain of green orbs, trying to avoid eye contact with his mother's matching blue eyes.[/quote]1. mountain

[quote]
Kairi unconsciously added, "Sora, don't say anniversary," but stopped talking and realized what she said. She put a piece of turkey in her mouth to give her a moment to think about what she should say next. Mid-chewing, she found something reasonable to say and went with it, "It makes it sound like we're married. And you know I don't care what you look like." The girl ignored her mother's twitches about her speaking while food was in her mouth.[/quote]I just love this paragraph xD

[quote]
He picked it up with one hand and poked at it a bit, studying its hard skin and texture. Then, he bit it sharply, only causing pain to shoot through his jaw and a slight whimper to escape his lips.[/quote]Haha Sora, so naive :)

[quote]
Sora, still hearing what she had said, gave up on the lobster and crossed his arms. Unconciously, he pouted as if he became ten years younger. His right eye began to switch a tiny bit after all of the women broke into a fit of laughter. He had a sudden urge to start sawing that lobster again. [/quote]Again: Lol Sora :D

[quote]
Sora tried to see through the dust that was slowly settling and finally saw the source of the chaos. Behind chaos, stood perfection; Riku stood before the broken glass and wood that was once a door. His fist was raised and bleeding, ready to take on anyone and anything that got in his way.

Riku was looking in Sora's direction but looking straight at Kairi who was now frozen in her tracks to match everyone else in the room. Everyone had a strange look of confusion on their face and were gaping at the bleeding boy.

Suddenly, Riku seemed to flare up, his hair standing up a bit more than usual, his eyes shaking from anger making them look like pure green orbs.

He yelled out, "What are you doing to my Sora?!" [/quote]*is squeeling like a little fangirl*

[quote]
Everyone but Sora fled the room at these words and he sat there still blushing at the last words of Riku's threat thinking,[I] He called me his… I… I could live with that…[/I]

The silver haired prince walked elegantly to Sora’s side and leaned towards the younger boy’s face while holding the boy’s cheek in his hand. He whispered softly, “Sora… I…”

The brown-haired teen choked out, “Ri—.”

“Sora…” Riku said inches from Sora’s lips. Their distance was shortening, slowly but surely. [/quote]*squeeling even more*

[quote]
Kairi’s father coughed to clear his throat and to get everyone's [B](1)[/B]attetnion. This made Sora almost [B](2)[/B]estatic now that the heads were turning away. [/quote]1. attention
2. ecstatic

[quote]
The man muttered thoughtfully, “I think I've just figured something out,” he looked towards the two teens and said, “You both must think you’re pretty sly keeping this from us.”

"What?!"
[/quote]:o



I hope that helped, and I still think this is a great chapter : )
 
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Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

I was just pointing out those little things that made me go FREEZE. I don't know if you would consider chagnging that or not. That's just my opinion. :3

Still, I like this story.
I fixed most of the things you pointed out. Reading these both I was like GODDAMMIT SPELL CHECK. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.

But they're good now. Thank you for reading and thank you for liking it. <3
And yeah, the daydream was fun for me to write. :D

I'm so sorry I didn't get to this sooner! I got home and then I fell asleep >.<
It's coo'.
2. Haha, I love your description of her dad and Sora's reaction to him. <3
I HAD to put in the mustached pear. I had to!
3. very nice description again, and you made me hungry :3
Hehe. :D
Also this cat reminds me of my dog :)
My dog is actually where I got this from. I was going to leave a note but decided not to. D:


I just love this paragraph xD

Haha Sora, so naive :)

Again: Lol Sora :D

*is squeeling like a little fangirl*

*squeeling even more*
<3
I hope that helped, and I still think this is a great chapter : )
It did! Thank you so much! Both of you!

I fixed most of the errors you guys pointed out. I'm so grateful oh my god. ._.
 

Reverie

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Re: unheard whispers [Chapter three is up~.]

This chapter is so awesome. There were some fragment sentences, and some were a bit confusing, but it's nothing too major. :)
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [Chapter three is up~.]

This chapter is so awesome. There were some fragment sentences, and some were a bit confusing, but it's nothing too major. :)

Thank you.
I really should have run this through some proofreaders first ESPECIALLY when my spell check hasn't been working lately for whatever reason...

It's so much harder to find them now...
 

Aria

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

It did! Thank you so much! Both of you!

I fixed most of the errors you guys pointed out. I'm so grateful oh my god. ._.

You're welcome! Haha yep they must be alike ^_^ the mustached pair was making me lol :) And if you need a proofreader I'd be happy to help!
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

You're welcome! Haha yep they must be alike ^_^ the mustached pair was making me lol :) And if you need a proofreader I'd be happy to help!

Oh my gooooood that'd be a huuuge help.
 

Aria

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Re: unheard whispers [Chapter three is up~.]

Okay, when you need to you can just email me the chapters.
 

Aria

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Re: unheard whispers [Chapter three is up~.]

There'll probably be 1-2 after this and I have noooo idea when I'll finish them. This is the last of the rewrites.

That's okay, I'm not that busy so whenever you finish them just let me know!
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [Chapter three is up~.]

So I've written on notebooks random parts of the story and then like, points that need to happen. It's like, 10% done. I still need to rewrite THAT by myself for a couple times then I send it off to Aria and anyone else who's interested in proofreading.

It'll be awesome. I'm a bit sick though so I'm pretty much writing when I can't sleep. (which is a lot)
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

Can't wait fot that. And I hope you'll feel better soon!

Aww. Thanks~. :D

I'm feeling a bit better already and the first part is nearing the finish line. The 2nd part is still really rough and messy so I still need to rewrite that for the first time...
yaaaay~.

Maybe I'll finish by the 14th? I dunno how long it'll take for proofreaders but that'd be kind of cool right?
 

Glos-Peach

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

I'm glad to hear so ^_^ and yes, yes, if it's going to be ready by VD, it'll be very cool~ :D
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

I'm glad to hear so ^_^ and yes, yes, if it's going to be ready by VD, it'll be very cool~ :D
Dunno if I'll make it or not if I'm going to have proofreaders... I'd really prefer to do so...

Also, I'm not sure if I'll split it up because this chapter with just the second rewrite (working on third) it's like 6 front to back pages. the first was like three-four.
 

Raz

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

Oh, gosh, this is adorable. Thanks for giving me something to read. :3
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

Oh, gosh, this is adorable. Thanks for giving me something to read. :3

Oh my! You're very welcome sir! :D
Third rewrite of chapter 4 is aaaaalmost done. Just one more page and then I'M TYPING IT. D:
After that, quick glance then I send it off to whoever the fuck wants to proofread.
 

Shinra

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

very good... very well written... I may not be a Yaoi fan but I know a good Fanfic when I see one
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

very good... very well written... I may not be a Yaoi fan but I know a good Fanfic when I see one

Thank you veeery much. :D

It kind of makes me smile when I see a comment like that. Fufufu.

So for discussion, what was your favorite part so far, guys? :D
 

Glos-Peach

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Re: unheard whispers [totally awesome and updated]

Umm, chapter 1-- when Sora hugged Riku and he blushed. That was epic adorable. :3

And the last chapter, where Sora was daydreaming about Riku and they were so close!! :36:

..Ahem, sorry. >_>;;
 
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