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Fanfiction ► unheard whispers



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padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

~padlock's Requested Critique~

Bold = Critique
Bold + Italic = Comment
Disclaimer: I speak Australian English, I write Australian english
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Well! that was fun :). Very nicely written. I enjoyed reading it; add me to the list!. It is slightly obvious that you have re-witten this 15 times, the intense detail you have put into it is astounding :3.

A few parts were a tad stale, but I think i pointed them out; the whole "showing not telling" thing. I glad you put the "less cliché" stamp at the end, because honestly, it is a tad cliché, although not unbearably. Riku also seemed a little out of place at the end when he was blushing and being embarassed in general, but it is a love story (I hope
? >.>) so i am willing to make concessions! Haha.


Well done Annoyance, looking forward to reviewing the next chappie :).
 
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Sawah

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

A (1.)young boy with messy spiked brown hair woke up and looked around. All he could see was that he was in his pajamas on the deck outside his bedroom and it was maybe noon judging from the sun that was directly on top of him.(2.) He stretched his arms over his head, popping some sore joints, probably caused by sleeping on a wooden deck all night. The boy could feel the ocean's breeze hit his skin as his stretching lifted his blue t-shirt up over his boxers.(3.)

The day felt different to the boy for some reason. Although, he wasn't sure why; it was a beautiful day. Seagulls flying overhead, the ocean splashing on the shore, and a wonderful blue sky.(4.) Despite all of this, he had a strange gut feeling that something interesting was going to happen today. He didn't want to think about it that much since it would probably ruin it. Besides, he liked surprises.
1. - Should be the young boy. He’s not just any young boy, you know? ;D
2. - A tad of a run-on sentence. Maybe try …the deck out his bedroom; it was maybe noon…
3. - Just pointing out how sexy that sounds ;D
4. - Taking in the fact that the rest of your story is in past tense, this sentence should be as well. Seagulls were flying overhead, the ocean was splashing on the shore, and there was a wonderful blue sky.

It was just now that he began wondering more important things like how and why he ended up on his deck this morning. As he walked up to the deck's end to rest his arms on the edge and think, a voice coolly said in his ear, “Have you been sleepwalking, Sora?”

Sora's answer to this ended up with him jumping in the air with wide eyes until he landed with a thud on his deck floor, knocking his head on one of the posts.(1.)

Well, he liked some surprises, it seems.
1. - Teehee~

He rubbed the back of his head and grinned the pain away with a bright smile up to the dark silhouette standing in front of him due to the sun's glare.(1.)(2.) The shadowed person chuckled at the boy's childish reactions and reached his arm out to help the boy up to his feet.(3.)

Once Sora got back to his feet, he asked up to the person with a confused look on his face as he dusted his clothes off, “How'd you get out here, Riku?”

Riku leaned against the door that lead into Sora's room and said, “Your mom let me in. I swear, the woman treats me like I'm her own son.”

“But you kind of already are, Riku,” Sora said looking up to Riku. The older boy was now in a better light and Sora could see his features clearly. Riku had more of stronger build than Sora's feminine looking body and was also around five inches taller than him. Around two if you counted Sora's huge, spiked hair that went in every direction. Their faces were also different since Sora's face was more circular and round like a child's and Riku's was longer and a more prominent chin.(4.)
1. – So run-on I couldn’t even understand what was going happening. He rubbed the back of his head. He grinned the pain away with a bright smile up to the dark silhouette.
2. – I don’t know how to help the last half of this sentence. It’s just so awkward; there’s not a lot I can do to help it. “Silhouette standing in front of him due to the sun’s glare.” I would say get rid of the “due to the sun’s rays,” but that wouldn’t sound much better. >~>
3. – SUP KH1 REFERENCE?
4. – The word since kind of turns me off here. Their faces were also different; Sora’s face was more circular…

Riku was just one year older than Sora, but they were still in the same grade in school. His mother, being paranoid and overprotective, held poor Riku back a year because she thought kids would pick on him because of his strange hair.

His hair was strange because, unlike normal kids on the islands, he had shining, silver hair that had a blueish(1.) tint to it as if it reflected the sky. It was much longer than most guys would ever want, considering it almost touched the middle of his back, with his bangs hanging lazily in front of one of his eyes like a curtain of silver. He liked it though.

Riku sighed, ignoring what Sora just said. He flicked away a stray strand of hair from his other eye and said, “Don't you have a date with Kairi in...” Riku paused and looked at his wristwatch tauntingly, “Oh, I'd say about ten minutes?”

“What? CRAP!” Sora's eyes widened as he yelled. As the boy(2.) sped into his room, Riku smirked and followed the boy back inside.

Sora rummaged through his closet, underneath and around his bed, dressers, and anywhere else his clothes could be. Unfortunately, anything that he found that was actually clean wasn't enough to make a decent outfit. Nothing matched, nothing looked presentable. His “Who farted?” shirt would probably get him kicked by Kairi.(3.)
1. – Bluish*
2. – Pronoun doesn’t have an antecedent. The boy could be either Riku or Sora; saying that Riku smirked could still make ‘the boy’ either of the two boys.
3. – Ahahahaha, I love you Sabrina. :3


As he ran from pile to pile like a mad man, he was mumbling things to himself as if he were trying to add to the effect. (1.)Saying things such as, “She's gonna kill me, she's gonna kill me so dead... God, where are my pants...”
Riku tried to hold back his laughter and called over to him, “Hey, Sora.”

Sora peeked his head out from a pile he was digging through. He looked exhausted and about to cry.

“WHAT.”

The older boy smirked at his friend, obviously happy with the results he was getting.

“Hm, now what was I about to say? That look of yours was just so priceless I think I just forgot!” He teasingly looked up to the ceiling and stroked his chin, looking like he was trying to find something out. Sora was about to break down into tears. His patience ran out when he was looking under the bed.

“Riku! I don't have TIME! I need to go!” Sora's voice cracked at the word “time” and continued on cracking, “Just tell me!”

1. – Again, pronoun doesn’t have an antecedent. Either Riku or Sora could be ‘running from pile to pile like a mad man’


Riku laughed a teasing sort of laugh and pointed straight to Sora's bedroom door.

The boy turned his head slowly and saw that there was a neat, carefully put together outfit hanging on his door hook. A silver crown pendant and chain dangled on top of it. Sora was impressed.

“I put that together while you were asleep outside. Some from your stuff, some from mine. Hope it fits. Sort of made your room worse while finding some of it, though, sorry... But I'm not sure you even noticed that. Your room is a mess, you know tha--”

Riku was interrupted by Sora hugging him. He could hear Sora say quietly, “Thank you...”(1.)

He stopped talking and just smiled and patted Sora's back to assure him that he'll be fine and said, “I called Kairi, by the way. Told her you overslept again”

“Thank you so much... But holy crap, don't do that again...” Sora mumbled into Riku's shoulder.

Sora let go of Riku and ran over to his door and started taking everything off their hangers and put them on the bed by his wall. Riku was stunned for a split second but he didn't think Sora even noticed it.(2.) Getting back to his senses, he turned around on his heel and slipped through the door.
1. – Considering the situation Sora’s in is only a date, you kind of over exaggerated the hug and ‘thank you.’ But that’s just me ;D
2. – Why was he stunned? :\

---------


Riku stood outside of Sora's room to give him some privacy and give himself time to himself to think.

The gentle summer breeze blew through his long hair as he laid his elbow on the railing to rest his chin in his palm. His face was warm and he realized he was blushing still from the hug.

Various thoughts went through his head over and over; him and Sora being best friends since they were children, going through everything in life together. People thought their bond wouldn't last long considering their various differences. Regardless, they were inseparable and just stuck together like magnets.(1.)

Riku lightly laughed at the cliché way he was thinking and shook his head with a smirk.

A memory appeared in his head and he relaxed with the sweet nostalgia.




1. – The ‘just’ isn’t necessary. They stuck together like magnets sounds good as it is.


The sounds of children yelling and laughing could be heard. The clouds overhead were cheerful and friendly looking to the children below even though the clouds would most likely turn into a nasty storm later that night.(1.) They(2.) carried on with their simple lives and played and played. Some on swings, some playing with a soccer ball, kicking it, tripping, yelling to use some teamwork(3.). Teachers made random glaces over to make sure no one was severely hurt and went on chatting with each other.
Recess.

Two young boys, maybe only a couple years into grade school, played with a big rubber ball and bounced it on the ground to each other. One with brown hair, another with silver.The younger looking boy smiled brightly to the other, clearly enjoying the plain game.

Riku(4.) started to get bored and that led to getting just a bit distracted and his eyes started to wander. While this happened he noticed some kids walking towards Sora and his direction with mischief burning in their eyes.

Being distracted, the ball hit Riku's hand and bounced in the other direction but missing Sora completely.

Conveniently, the ball landed at the feet of what looked like the “leader” of the snot filled kids that were now grinning wide. A group of about six older children, all boys but one girl who could care less about what was going on but had a grin nonetheless.

The “leader” boy with vibrant orange tousled hair picked the ball up. Green eyes sparkling with joy and excitement, he asked, “Is this your ball?”
1. – Yet another run-on sentence. … looking to the children below; the clouds would most likely…
2. – Pronoun with no antecedent. ‘They’ could be either the clouds or the children.
3. – Awkward. Some were on swings, some were playing with a soccer ball; kicking it, tripping, and yelling to use some teamwork.
4. – Who is Riku? Is he the younger boy, or the older boy? I know who is who, but it’d be better to clarify.

Sora turned around and grinned and said,(1.) “Hehe, yeah. Could you toss it over? This game is getting intense.” Riku wasn't sure if Sora was kidding or really was that bored.
The blonde girl in the group clicked her tongue at Sora's comment with the attitude of an evil queen. Especially a game of tossing a ball back and forth. She had more important things to do.

“I was thinking the same thing, Ren,” said another boy in the group with a guitar shirt.(2.)

“Shut up,” she retorted, apparently too annoyed to think of anything else.

Riku though (3.)these guys were really easy to read, even as a kid. Not many of them(4.) really got along with each other.

“How about something more interesting, huh, guys?”

The group agreed.

“Like what? A new game?” Sora was actually curious.

“You could say that,” the boy with the flame hair snickered.

The leader whispered something to Ren and she snickered, probably pleased with it. Riku guessed it had something to do with harming others. He took a step forward to stop it but somehow two of the other kids in the group already were behind him and held his shoulders.
1. – No need to say ‘and’ twice. Sora turned around, grinned, and said…
2. – His shirt is made out of a guitar? …with a guitar on his shirt.
3. – Thought*
4. – None of who? The gang didn’t get along with each other, or Riku didn’t get along with the gang?


Ren immediately ran around the playground finding anyone who was willing. A couple others and their friends didn't agree and Ren was infuriated with their inability to cooperate with her plans and pouted.
A plan was a plan though. She rounded up around eight other people who were bored enough to go with their idea. All were carrying a similar ball to Sora and Riku's and had four extra for the other kids in the group.

“Oh, fun, you got more people to play with me and Sora,” Riku played along, not happy, but was glad Sora wasn't looking at how pissed he was. The two boys holding his shoulders loosened their grip when he stopped talking. Probably thinking things would be easy with this pansy boy.

“Have you ever played dodge ball, kid? You see... this turf is ours on the playground. I don't know if you've heard. And this ball, too. It's ours. What were you thinking?” (1.)

“Um... Er... I didn't know,” Sora looked genuinely sorry.

“He didn't know, he says,” said a boy holding Riku back.

“You want to know how you play dodge ball?”
1. – Who is talking? Ren, or the boy with the guitar on his shirt?




Uh... sure,” Sora was beginning to get uncomfortable.

“Start running. We'll give you a five minute start. Then we'll try to hit you with these.”

Sora was confused. “What?”

“Better get running.”

“Sora! Just run.” Riku snapped to him, looking at him with concern.

The brunette snapped out of it and started running towards the swings in the playground.

The redhead counted to five and decided that was long enough.

“You said five minutes.” (1.)

“I say a lot of things,” the boy laughed and started running towards Sora with the ball ready to launch.

In a fit of rage, Riku kicked the shins of both the boys holding him and when they reached down to their legs to stop the pain, he ran towards the red haired boy with full force.
1. – Again, who is talking? Riku made the last comment, so I would suspect it would be him, but Sora would complain about the time change.


Collision like that of a train hitting a car at full speed.
“AL!” a kid cried out from the group. Some looked disappointed in how this was going down. Some were confused and looking at Ren expectantly.

Riku was still on top of the bully, about to punch him right in the face. “Sora! Run!”

Sora turned around confused and only just realzed (1.)what was really happening. He turned around and ran with all his might to hide.

“So, you think it's funny to team thirteen kids against two?”

The boy smirked, “More interesting than Ren bit--”

Al was cut off by a fist hitting him in the cheek and a glare from Riku that could cut through diamond.

Riku continued throwing punches to Al's face. He landed a quick punch to Al's nose and there was a crunching nose(2.). His nose was broken and was now bleeding. By the end of this, Al's face was a mixture of black, blue and red.
1. – Realized*
2. – Noise*

The other kids from the posse were eventually were able to push Riku off of their leader and walked him over to the teachers who somehow saw everything due to a friendly red haired girl who pointed it out. She waved to Riku and went back to the swings with her friends. The teachers began yelling.

Looking around, he couldn't see Sora anywhere and recess was about to end. However, he had an idea where Sora was. Underneath one of the jungle gyms, there were a series of tubes. Sora went there during recess sometimes to be left alone and it was his secret place with only his close friends. Riku had to punch maybe ten kids various and random times during elementary school to make sure no one decided to use it for the same purpose. It was theirs. Everyone had territory and that was their set spot.

Even before getting that into the tunnels, he heard a voice with a tinge of fear and crying mixed together saying, “Thanks, Riku... I owe you. Again. I need to get stronger...”(1.)

“Yeah, you do.”

Riku decided to be blunt, today.

Sora flinched with the sudden shocking statement but then Riku continued going through the tunnels, “But I'll teach you. It isn't that hard. Just seem intimidating and stuff.”
1. – AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~

“Intima-whatnow?” Sora's voice echoed.

The older boy sighed and met Sora hugging his knees in the middle of the tubes, “Scary, Sora. You need to do your homework more, too.” (1.)

Sora frowned and was silent for a while.

“I'm sorry you have to protect me all the time.”

“I don't mind. I kind of like it. I feel cool protecting someone.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I'll always protect you.”

“... Promise?”

Riku blinked, confused, but then the confusion turned into a soft smile.

“Promise. Come on, the bell's going to ring.”
1. – Good use of foreshadowing right there. <3
Riku smiled a little more because of the memory. He sat there reminiscing and thinking about how much he cared about Sora until quiet clicks of Sora's shoes hitting the wooden deck. Sora's soft voice called out teasingly, “Riku, are you daydreaming about sex again?”(1.) Riku would have nearly jumped if Sora hadn't used that joke a couple weeks ago before to make Riku laugh and tease him about his habits of getting lost in thought.
He turned around to see Sora changed and slightly pink in his cheeks, blushing.

Sora was wearing a plain black tank top covered by a plain white jacket with a tribal pattern flowing around it. For sheer weather purposes, the sleeves cut short of his elbows. When Sora shifted his weight, being sort of uncomfortable with Riku staring at him for so long without speaking, his wallet chain jingled catching Riku's attention; he forgot about that thing. It wrapped around the side of his leg nicely on top of his baggy blue jeans that were held up by a nice looking black and white belt that had a vertical pattern of taking turns.(2.)

In the center of Sora's chest was the crown necklace he's had since he was a kid. The bright silver brought a nice contrast to the black underneath. Sora looked a bit embarrassed but looked like he was enjoying himself in the cool outfit. He was probably only uneasy about this because Riku did work for him again. Riku didn't mind at all.

1. – LMFAO @ HOW BLUNT THAT COMMENT WAS!
2. – Stop giving me crushes on video game characters, please. :C

Riku started to blush even more after being a tad embarrassed with the flashback he was just having. He could feel the embarrassment and the blood flowing to his face. It was so warm it hurt.

“Are you okay, Riku?” Sora asked, “You look like you're getting a fever or something.”

“I'm fine, don't worry,” Riku lied, shaking his hand in a nonchalant way to shove the matter off and continued, “Do you like the outfit?” He knew it would look good on Sora but... damn.(1.)

“You sure?” Sora shoved his hand underneath Riku's bangs to get to his forehead, not noticing Riku's normally pale face was nearly all red. “That's weird... You're warm but...” Sora rambled on before going completely silent. He was so close to Riku at this point that while the boy was thinking about something tough, his breath could be felt on Riku's neck. Riku involuntarily shivered at this.

Then, out of nowhere, he gasped with wide eyes and asked loudly, probably joking, “Maybe you're getting some kind of new sickness! It could be deadly!”

“Sora...”

He continued anyway, “That can't be detected at all!”

“Sora.”

“And you'll die in three weeks!”

“Sora!”

“And the doctors won't know what to do! Oh, Riku! You can't die!” Sora had a face of sadness and shock on his face as he carried on, “Who'll do my math homework for me?”

“SORA!!” Riku yelled.

“Yes?” Sora asked, grinning.

Riku sighed, and said assuredly, “I'm fine. I promise. Can we go now?”
1. – Hahaha, I love the way you characterize Riku. It’s spot on, but comical as well.




Aww, Sabrina that was so god damn adorable! C: one of my favorite SoRiku fics. I’ll critique the second chapter if you’d like, it’s no problem.


EDIT: alright well, the quote boxes are fucking up. if there's two right on top of each other, just think of them as if they're in the same box. :c
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

Spoiler Spoiler Show

Well done Annoyance, looking forward to reviewing the next chappie :)
Thank you for critiquing and everything. Try to only quote what things have wrong with them next time, though, to save room. Thank you sooo freaking much for joining the team and critiquing my story

Spoiler Spoiler Show

Aww, Sabrina that was so god damn adorable! C: one of my favorite SoRiku fics. I’ll critique the second chapter if you’d like, it’s no problem.
Yaaay thank you so much. ;-;
Please do! ;-;


Both you and padlock are awesome. Thank you so much.



And attention all: I still would like proofreaders because I apparently missed A LOT in the past 2 chapters. The next 2 will be big on the story and I don't want spelling errors to distract you. :|
 
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Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

While I'm off the computer (which is becoming rarer and rarer these days) I've started to write the 4th chapter which is things that I haven't even written yet. I keep finding myself at a loss of words a lot but I've always been like that. I really need to invest in a thesaurus... D:

Wish me luck, guys.

God, I really need proofreaders...
 

padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

While I'm off the computer (which is becoming rarer and rarer these days) I've started to write the 4th chapter which is things that I haven't even written yet. I keep finding myself at a loss of words a lot but I've always been like that. I really need to invest in a thesaurus... D:

Wish me luck, guys.

God, I really need proofreaders...

i don't mind proofreading? just pm me or whatevs :)
 

padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

I still need to actually finish rewriting chapter 3 so eheh.

If you see anything wrong with 2 so far, be sure to let me know, though. :D

mmk. i may as will crritique it now, i am major procrastinating doing anything else, and am slightlyly hyper on a deadly combination of rockstar, l.a. ice and goon heh
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [revised] [warning given]

mmk. i may as will crritique it now, i am major procrastinating doing anything else, and am slightlyly hyper on a deadly combination of rockstar, l.a. ice and goon heh

Alright, thank you so much. :D

I'm probably going to start working on 3 now so... yeah. :c
 

padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

~padlock's Requested Critique~
Chapter 2

Bold = Critique
Bold + Italic = Comment
Disclaimer: I speak Australian English, I write Australian english


Spoiler Spoiler Show



Pro's: I loooooved Kairi haha, she made me laugh. Her attention seeking ways and obvious insecurity, really set the story (i.e. breakup of sora and herself) well, and in the second part, converse to the first chapter, you've captured Riku perfectly yay! i could imagine him saying/ doing all the things he did :D He broke my heart a little bit to be honest; unrequited love is so sad ;-;.

Con's: The only thing I really disliked was Sora's stupidity/oblivity >.>, although i suppose we can half blame Nomura for that *facpalm*. A few stale sentences, but i pointed them out

Overall: In my opinion, the first chapter should set the tone of a story, and the second should continue that, while starting it. You have most definitely accomplished this in the chapter. Wew! It was a genuine good read; I was sad hen I realised Riku's pain, and angry at Kairi and her bitchiness. I believe that's what you intended, and you definitely got it across. ^__^ looking forward to chapter three :D.



Addendum (for the part added onto chapter 2):


Spoiler Spoiler Show

Overall: Wow! This part adds sooooooo much perspective haha. I take back everything about Kairi being a bitch, as well as Sora's stupidity :p This just makes it that much better ^.^! I have nothing bad to say :)
 
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Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

(Capital w)
Eh. That's a stylizing thing. D: I used it a lot more in the original but it seemed out of place in the rewrite to keep them all.

(you mean a skort? >.> that's what the call them where i live anyway...)
wat. You Australians and you're funny language. D:

(immensely; seems like a sort of odd word to put here, immensely seems like too "big" of a word :/ also, you don't really need a second sentence. Suggestion "..at his cellphone nervously, feeling mightily uncomfortable [at the awkwardness]")
I see what you mean. God I really need a thesaurus. I keep forgetting I can look them up if I need to but don't ever feel like it... oh well.
I'll fix it soon.

(bitch. >.<)
Pssh. She teases. D: She does that in the games, too.

(4th wall much :D, Luxord you scurvy dog),
Why is everyone catching references I didn't even mean to make?

(innuendo heh).
wat.

:C DAMMIT OPEN OFFICE.

(This sentence is in second person :/ ).
Hrm. But I like iiiit~. :c

Pro's: I loooooved Kairi haha, she made me laugh. Her attention seeking ways and obvious insecurity,
D: Huh? I more of tried to make her the best friend who liked Sora but realized his feelings weren't any higher than a friend and is really tired of her parents' shenanigans. I didn't really mean to make her insecure or attention seeking. ._.'

you've capturd Riku perfectly yay! i could imagine him saying/ doing all the things he did :D He broke my heart a little bit to be honest; unrequited love is so sad ;-;.
Did I really? Awesome.

Con's: The only thing I really disliked was Sora's stupidity/oblivity >.>, although i suppose we can half blame Nomura for that *facpalm*. A few stale sentences, but i pointed them out
He is naive. D: says it right there in that one thing in that place.

Overall: In my opinion, the first chapter should set the tone of a story, and the second should continue that, while starting it. You have most definitely accomplished this in the chapter. Wew! It was a genuine good read; I was sad hen I realised Riku's pain, and angry at Kairi and her bitchiness. I believe that's what you intended, and you definitely got it across. ^__^ looking forward to chapter three :D.
Thank you so much. :D

Thank you for reading. :3
 

padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

haha i guess i pretty much fail then >.< well i will take all the stuff that i got wrong into consideration for chapter three :)
 

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

haha i guess i pretty much fail then >.< well i will take all the stuff that i got wrong into consideration for chapter three :)

I don't think you got much stuff wrong. Just confused me a bit.
What did you mean by innuendo before? D:
 

padlock

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

I don't think you got much stuff wrong. Just confused me a bit.
What did you mean by innuendo before? D:

oh hehe, just the line,

"3: 49 p.m... They might as well enjoy the hour and eleven minutes they still had left."

call me dirty-minded ;D
 

Annoyance

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oh hehe, just the line,

"3: 49 p.m... They might as well enjoy the hour and eleven minutes they still had left."

call me dirty-minded ;D

I didn't mean it like that. I meant like they could relax. They aren't really dating and Sora--...
...

where's the 2nd section in my post for chapter 2?
...
godfucking...
godfucking dammit shitfuck
...

salkgj

:| Hooo... For some reason, when I edited it, it disappeared.

Oh my gooooooood. The one part that explains their fuckin' relationship and I forgot to add it.

It's up. Everyone who has read chapter two.
EVERYONE WHO HAS READ CHAPTER TWO.

please reread it until the 2nd part is over...

i'm about to cry right now for not noticing...
 
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Annoyance

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ALRIGHT. I'm DONE with the rewrite of chapter 3 and soooo.

I'm going to need some proofreaders.


Anyone want to volunteer?

oh well.
 
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Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

This took me a while due to my work, the critiques, me not feeling like it... blah blah. The next and I believe final chapter is maaaaaaaaybe like 25% done. D:

I'm just going to post what I have in OO. I haven't uploaded this to fanfiction.net yet so lucky you!

Some of my things are a bit outdated. AdventureAddict doesn't even write much anymore. She's an old classmate of mine. All those proofreaders I had in the past I lost touch with or got busy.
Blah blah. If you give a crap, just ask. On with the damn thing.

~~~~~~

It's kind of hard to believe but I started this way back when I was 15. I'm 19 now. Can you believe that? It's crazy. It was pretty much around the same time I started editing this and revamping it and every other word that means "fix" to describe my activities for the past month.

This has honestly been fun for me else than trying to shyly find people to proofread. All my friends have gotten busy and are now procrastinators and all my shonen-ai loving friends have disappeared...

it's just totally awesome.

In this chapter I decided to put all of the dinner gathering part in this chapter so I took part of the last original chapter and put it in this one. I think it fits a bit better, personally. I rewrote A LOT of this chapter, though.

Please enjoy.
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts it wouldn't be Kingdom Hearts anymore with numourus changes and other silly things. I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Please review and comment. Anything is accepted except for hypocritical/biased/dumb flaming over the pairing.



---------

chaos.​

Two extremely bored teens sat next to each other, tapping their fingers on the arm of the expensive red love seat. An ironic name for the two of them, sitting in the over sized chair.

Their fathers were both talking about various dull things like politics, policies, news, cars. Kairi looked anxious and nearly pushed herself up to go to the kitchen to check on the food.

The only problem was, however, that she had done this maybe fourteen times already in the past twenty minutes. This would be the fifteenth and her father was starting to question her. The family had just hired a new maid to help around in the kitchen, so he was confused as to why she'd want to go in and help in the first place.

Kairi wondered what he would say to her actual reason and started daydreaming.

Sora looked away from her and his father waving his arms, telling an elaborate story from the weekend before.

His mother and Kairi's were chatting about the sort of things you'd expect two middle-aged married women to talk about. Sora heard the word marriage and prayed it was about their own. The boy's hunger and boredom muted them out. He only wanted to eat the food, talk a little, and go home so he could get some sleep.

Sora sighed quietly and put his hands behind his head before relaxing onto the soft red loveseat. He stared intently at the fixtures of the room.

The room was a sort of gold yellow that contrasted with the bright red in the room mixed in. The red spots included the sofa and chairs everyone was sitting in and a soft looking rug underneath the gold-looking coffee table. Sora was resisting the urge to really relax and put his feet up on the table but he was pretty sure at least five people would hit him.

A painting hung on the wall next to the entrance to the kitchen. Two bored looking cherubs rested while looking at the sky.

While he was blanking out, he felt a soft pat on his spiked hair and noticed Kairi's father was standing next to the boy, looking at Sora with a smile that curved his mustache with it. The hand retreated and her father moved a chair to face Sora and Kairi. He had no visible neck that defined his round head from his matching body which had a green suit wrapped around it. This reminded Sora of a pear with a mustache. Sora uncontrollably smiled.

"How are you, my boy?" Kairi's father asked in a booming voice.

Sora didn't know if the man was being sincere or not but said, "Fine," anyway.

"That's wonderful. Did the date go well? I hope it wasn't too expensive."

Although Sora was sure that what the man said wasn't meant to offend anyone, it still depressed him slightly. One thought lingered in his mind: Kairi's family felt sorry for his.

Sora tried to keep thinking about how the man looked like a giant pear in shoes and a pink head and managed to make a believable smile.

"It was great, Mr. Hanaita. (1) We had a great time."

As the man smiled, a buzzing noise came from the kitchen. Kairi got up and ran to the kitchen, leaving an awkward silence in the room after the buzzing stopped. After a few long minutes, her voice came from the kitchen yelling, "Dinner's ready!"

---------

This couldn't be normal. It wasn't, and should never even be considered a standard dinner between two families.

The room's decor matched the living room with pleasent shades of gold and red. Set on the dining table were plates full of food including lobster and turkey. Bowls of peas and corn sat side by side near the turkey. All the dishes looked more expensive and were more elaborate than the table they were placed on. It was all a calming mixture of things for the adults as they chatted away about politics and other mindless things.

well… it looked normal.

But to Sora, the air had a certain thick, awkward feel to it, and he just wanted to get out of there. He knew that, somehow, this night was going to cause utter chaos to creep into his life like snake's venom.

maybe that feeling he had that morning was right.

He yawned quietly and unnoticed, and shifted his attention to his right to see Kairi flick a tiny piece of turkey meat to her cat underneath the table. The tan cat swished its tail back and forth as it sat on top of Kairi's feet. The cat's watching yellow eyes stared at Kairi's hand, waiting for it to give him more food. The large cat was refusing to get off until it was "properly" fed.

Kairi began cutting her large slice of turkey into many tinier pieces and began dividing those up in halves.

She gave Sora a sideways glance and explained, "I'm not hungry."

"Well, I am," Sora gave a full teasing frown, and put a large spoonful of peas in his mouth. "It's your fault for eating all that junk food at my house. I don't blame you, fatty." Sora grinned.

Trying to stay more quieter than the adults' voices, she angrily replied, "You always are, you twig! You're so rude."

The girl jabbed her friend in his side with her elbow.

“You’re just jealous,” he teased, swallowing his peas.

“Oh, yes, I’m so jealous of you Sora that I'm about to start crying.”

Sora laughed at this and looked down at his plate. He scooped up another spoonful of peas, but as he got the peas in his mouth he heard his mother's voice from across the table, trying to get his attention.

"Sora," she said in a kind but dignified voice. She looked a bit concerned and confused, waiting for her son's response.

"Mmph?" Sora replied and held up his finger to signal her to wait, still chewing his peas. Didn't she teach him to not talk with his mouth full anyway? He started to chew faster and swallowed sharply, regretting that soon after, nearly choking on a pea.

While he coughed and hit his chest with a closed fist, his mother waited patiently for his actual reply.

He coughed and asked, “What is it, mom?”

"Well, um," she paused and looked a bit embarassed, "Where did you get that outfit? I've been trying to remember where I got it but..." She began trailing off and mumbled random store names, trying to spark her memory.

Sora, both confused and curious about what his mom was talking about, looked down at his outfit. It was the outfit Riku put together for him for the date. He knew the real reason he didn't want to take them off, but he decided to tell his parents at least some of the truth in the story.

“Riku gave it to me,” said Sora, and he nervously went back to turning his peas into a mountain of green orbs, trying to avoid eye contact with his mother's matching blue eyes.

"Why'd 'e do dat?" his father slurridly asked in a confused husky voice. Sora figured his dad had a couple glasses of wine already.

"A late birthday gift, maybe? Oh, wait, he got me that…" Sora trailed off, realizing he made a mistake,

"Maybe he wanted me to look nice for me and Kairi's two year anniversary date… Besides, he's my friend, right? It isn't that big of a deal."

Sora had an issue saying "anniversary" being in his kind of relationship.

Kairi unconsciously added, "Sora, don't say anniversary," but stopped talking and realized what she said. She put a piece of turkey in her mouth to give her a moment to think about what she should say next. Mid-chewing, she found something reasonable to say and went with it, "It makes it sound like we're married. And you know I don't care what you look like." The girl ignored her mother's twitches about her speaking while food was in her mouth.

“Hehe, thanks Kairi,” Sora said with a bright smile.

Kairi's mother, a woman about as stout as her husband, stopped twitching immediately and cooed at the sweetness of the two teenager's relationship, finding it absolutely adorable. She then turned to Sora's mother and spoke of how similar the situation was like one of her dumb soap operas they watched together in high school.

“Strange boy, that Riku,” Mr. Hanaita stated, stroking his thick mustache.

Sora's ears perked up like a hound in the middle of chewing. He gave an audible, "Hm?" and looked up from his plate at the man.

“Oh, just thinking out loud, my boy.”

“’e don’ mean nothin’ by it son,” his father assured before tearing his teeth into a turkey leg.

Kairi’s voice interrupted Sora's thoughts when she said, “Sora, you haven’t even touched your lobster yet! It took me forever to cook that!”

The young brunette looked down at his plate and saw the bright red lobster on his plate. He was ignoring it still even though he specifically chose that over turkey out of fear. Sora's never actually had lobster before, let alone seen one. But, after all he's heard about how amazing the island's lobster apparently is, he decided to finally see what all the fuss was about.

He picked it up with one hand and poked at it a bit, studying its hard skin and texture. Then, he bit it sharply, only causing pain to shoot through his jaw and a slight whimper to escape his lips.

“You have to get rid of the skin first,” his friend silently hinted before adding, "Dummy."

“Well, I know that now, don’t I?” he snapped back, quiet as he possibly could. Luckily, the adults were talking about taxes and stupid boring things again anyway.

Sora sighed and picked up the unused silver steak knife near his plate. He held down the small red creature with two of his fingers and began to saw harshly at the rough skin, shaking the table a bit with his action. Despite his efforts, however, there was barely a scratch after he stopped.

Now, the lobster had been dead for a couple hours now and hasn't seen much of a Sora in its life, as well. However, it seemed to be toying with Sora. This is what the boy was thinking at the time, at least. In his frustration, he bit even harder this time. All that happened was more pain in his jaw and him to be more agitated. Kairi watched all of this happen with a grin on her face, about to laugh.

"Ooh," Mrs. Hanaita cooed again at Sora's crazy antics. She leaned over to his mother and continued a bit more quietly, "He's just so adorable, Juno!" (2)

Sora, still hearing what she had said, gave up on the lobster and crossed his arms. Unconciously, he pouted as if he became ten years younger. His right eye began to switch a tiny bit after all of the women broke into a fit of laughter. He had a sudden urge to start sawing that lobster again.

"Kairi, sweetie," Juno said with a lot more control than her friend had at the moment, "could you help my son with his food?"

The red haired girl stopped laughing and froze. She quietly said, "I knew I forgot something!" and she ran off into the kitchen, making her cat jump straight up from fright. Even though it ended up lightly hitting its head on the table, Sora couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

The girl returned to Sora's side with lobster crackers in her hand and began to quickly break off the skin of the lobster. (3) Kairi was quite oblivious to the fact that her chest was practically bouncing in front of Sora's face while she worked and paid it no mind.

Frankly, Sora wasn't paying any attention to it, either. He was too embarassed and tired to notice.

He put his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his palm. Sora closed his eyes and tried to relax for a while. However, as soon as he thought there was enough silence in the room to calm his nerves, a loud crashing sound of glass breaking and hitting the hardwood flooring. Mixing with the shrieks of the women in the room, it burst Sora right out of his bubble.

Sora tried to see through the dust that was slowly settling and finally saw the source of the chaos. Behind chaos, stood perfection; Riku stood before the broken glass and wood that was once a door. His fist was raised and bleeding, ready to take on anyone and anything that got in his way.

Riku was looking in Sora's direction but looking straight at Kairi who was now frozen in her tracks to match everyone else in the room. Everyone had a strange look of confusion on their face and were gaping at the bleeding boy.

Suddenly, Riku seemed to flare up, his hair standing up a bit more than usual, his eyes shaking from anger making them look like pure green orbs.

He yelled out, "What are you doing to my Sora?!" (4)

Everyone but Sora fled the room at these words and he sat there still blushing at the last words of Riku's threat thinking, He called me his… I… I could live with that…

The silver haired prince walked elegantly to Sora’s side and leaned towards the younger boy’s face while holding the boy’s cheek in his hand. He whispered softly, “Sora… I…”

The brown-haired teen choked out, “Ri—.”

“Sora…” Riku said inches from Sora’s lips. Their distance was shortening, slowly but surely.

“SORA!” Kairi yelled as she hit Sora squarely on the back of the head, “Snap out of it! Were you dreaming again?"

“Ow… Huh?” the brunette looked around frantically, quickly noticing that Riku was nowhere to be seen and the door was still standing, intact.

“Are you okay, Sora?” his mother asked worriedly.

“Huh? Yeah, why?” Sora brought his half full glass of water and ice cubes to his lips to clear his mind from that weird daydream. Dumb daydreams…

“You look like you have a fever, dear,” Mrs. Hanaita stated.

Kairi explained to Sora, trying not to laugh, “Your face is all red. You look like a cherry with hair!”

Sora blushed even more at her statement and Kairi laughed to the point of being breathless. He tried to come up with an excuse, “It must be that cold weather we’ve been having. Isn’t it weird?” he asked in an awkward laugh and rubbed the back of his head, desperately trying to get the eyes off of him.

Kairi’s father coughed to clear his throat and to get everyone's attention. This made Sora almost ecstatic now that the heads were turning away.

The man muttered thoughtfully, “I think I've just figured something out,” he looked towards the two teens and said, “You both must think you’re pretty sly keeping this from us.”

"What?!"

---------

author rant time​
Oh dear lord I'm so sorry for leaving it on a horrible cliffhanger such as this. I completely forgot how terrible I was...

(was? you still are.)

And oh, if only I still had my rough draft of the next chapter. I'm probably going to go out on a different direction than what I wanted to do but still stay close to what I wanted to do... So many possibilities.

Old thank yous that deserve to still be here: Sryn-chan for advertising for me, AdventureAddict for thinking of the Absolute Boyfriend parody scene, Time, Erika and everyone else who helped me proofread before. AdventureAddict as well because I still remember bugging the livin' hell out of her at school to proofread even though I only changed like four things each time.

Oh, and to continue advertising for Sryn-chan, it's been forever, but go read "Don't get us caught!" by her.

New thank yous:
My new current proofreaders and YOU, the readers. I love you all.

Please give reviews, comments, say hi. I don't really care. I like attention, though.

Notes/ramble time:
(1) I changed it from the original Hanatsu to Hanaita. The original name I remember thinking like Hana for "flower" and "tsu" from the beginning of tsuki which means "moon" to mean something like moon flower, but... Japanese doesn't really work that way so eh. A kanji read as "tsuu" or "ita", though, can mean pain. Flower that causes harm? I'm so bullshitty at being weeaboo. It's pretty cool. (not really.) But yeah, that name's pretty relevant for Kairi's parents, huh? In Japanese it'd look like this 花痛. So Kairi's name written in Japanese would be 花痛 カイリ if you put her family name first and her... I'm going to shut up.

(2) I imagine the table as Kairi and Sora sitting next to each other on one side of the table, Kairi’s father at the head of the table across from his wife, Sora’s father sitting across from Sora, his mother on the corner next to Kairi's. I changed it up a bit to make more sense. If I need a diagram I'll kill someone. Basically, all three of the guys are at one end of the table, women on the other. Make sense?

As for Sora's mom's name, there wasn't really any real reason why I chose it. Just sort of came out. It had nothing to do with the movie that wasn't out yet at the time. I just wanted to show that the mothers were close.

(3) What are these things called? I still don't really know the fancy word for them else than those things that crack the other things open.

(4) I don’t own Absolute Boyfriend. This was only a parody thought up by AdventureAddict.


i hope you enjoyed this chapter. please leave a review…

And please be patient for the next chapter. This is where I start to go off of new ideas and what I can remember writing in the past before I lost my pages. I already have some of the juicy stuff written so it shouldn't be too long. But please, be patient. This is going to be hard for me since I've never written something like this.

~~~~~~~
(I haven't really had a single proofreader look through this so... there are bound to be mistakes everywhere... Open Office's spell check was being REALLY dumb...)
 
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Aria

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

Very nice chapter, you captured the mood of the awkward-dinner-with-friends-family perfectly :)

I did notice some minor spelling errors and a few awkward sentences, but there weren't a lot so I don't think they took away from the quality of the story.

I can't wait for your next chapter!
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

Very nice chapter, you captured the mood of the awkward-dinner-with-friends-family perfectly :)

I did notice some minor spelling errors and a few awkward sentences, but there weren't a lot so I don't think they took away from the quality of the story.

I can't wait for your next chapter!

If you could point those out for me it'd be AWESOME. I want this thing to be perfect.
 

Aria

braver by the minute
Joined
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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

Okay :) I'll do that in around 20 minutes or so because I have to get off for a little bit though. I'll definitely have it up sometime tonight.
 

Annoyance

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Re: unheard whispers [please read and critique]

Okay :) I'll do that in around 20 minutes or so because I have to get off for a little bit though. I'll definitely have it up sometime tonight.

Yay~! That's fine! Thank you sooo much for reading.
<3
 
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