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Fanfiction ► transormation of my old one



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TheLastKnight

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This is a transormation of my old FF,This is a lot better


chapter 1

The Great Deku tree

Once,on a shiny day on Destiny Island,Rocket and his friend Zereth were having a race to name their raft. All of a sudden,A man in black appears in front of them.The man says,"Zereth,you belong to the dark now!" "No way", Zereth replied.The man suddenly pulls Zereth into a dark hole! "Zereth!", Rocket yells,
The man summons little black creatures, "come now, Here are a few toys." Rocket takes his sword and starts to slash,but he goes right through the black creatures!"you cannot destroy the Heartless with a simple sword!" The man all of a sudden dissapears! A shiny object appears in Rocket's hands,He then slashes the heartless with it, killing them!

"Kairi! I hope she is alright!" Rocket exclaimed. He then races to Kairi's room and finds she is missing,But he sees a dark whole. "Maybe if I jump in this hole,It will lead me to them!" Rocket yelled.
Rocket jumps through the hole,and finds himself at Princess Peach's castle.The shiny key shaped object disappers. A man named Kharg walks up to him and asks, "What was that object?" "Not sure....." replied Rocket.

A man dressed differently than the man before,appears on top of the castle. "This castle now belongs to the dark!" yelled the man. "Zereth?" asked Rocket,as he climbed the castle walls. "Who is this,Zereth you speak of? No matter....this castle belongs to darkness now! "Zereth......You may be a friend, but I can't let you do that!" Rocket climbed on top the castle. The shiny key shaped object appears again, but a new sword appears in the man's. "Kya!" yelled Rocket, as he kept slashing at the man! The man disappears,and heartless start to flood the castle! "Get down! We can take my gummi ship!" Kharg said.Rocket jumps down and they board the ship. They see the king run out and disappears.

As they are riding along, a meteor strikes the ship! The ship ends up far into another world. "what was that?", asked Rocket. "I don't know!" answered Kharg. All of a sudden, A boy named link runs and crashes into Rocket. "I'm sorry, The great Deku Tree summoned me! I must go!" The boy said. "Where are we,and who is the Great Deku Tree?" asked Rocket. "The Great Deku tree is someone who watches over us all, and we are in the Kokiri forest!" The boy runs off into a dark but narrow meadow.

"Maybe we should follow him" said Rocket. "I think so too" replied Kharg. The party goes in and follows link.
They see the giant tree. "Link.............Please.......stop..........my sicknes..................here is........the..........enterence" mumbled the tree. "Link,can we help?" asked kharg. "yeah sure, I need all the help I can get, Navi,My fairy will also help!"

The party steps inside of the tree. Heartless start appearing. The man from Destiny Islands now appears again! "We neet again, Rocket?" "What is he talking about", asked everyone. "He kidnapped my friends!"
"now,kidnapping is such a harsh word, I tend to say taking." said the man. The blade appears again, and Rocket runs up and attacks the man. The man blocks and blows him into a whole. The party jumps in after him.

"Who is that man?" asked Rocket. "I'm not so sure........but I know we are close to the problem!" said Link.
"Through that door." The party walks through the door,and finds a HUMUNGUS, creature. "A heartless!", exclaimed Rocket! The shiny blade appears one last time and the party attacks. Once defeated, It drops a green stone. "What's this?", asks Link. The green stone floats up, and the Blade shoots a beam at it! The key shaped blade disappears. "What?" asked Rocket. "We should get out of here!" The party runs out of the tree. "Great Tree, I hope you are better!" said Link,as he walked out. The tree does not respond!
"I think he is dead," explained Rocket. ".............NO! I failed to protect him!"Link cried. "He was going to die soon anyway....." Rocket said.

After Link cheered up....."You guys need supplies for your ship right? In return for helping me,I will give you some!" "Thank you so much" thanked Rocket. Let's get going," Kharg exclaimed.




....................to be continued............................

So how'd ya like that one?
 

Q

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...it's better.

Just fix some spelling issues, double-space between dialouge, and I suppose it could be a passable story. You should add more detail to the actions - it's rushed a lot. And use past tense as well. Better for such things as fanfictions.
 

snowdog

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I can't add too much ^.^ But one thing I'd suggest is using a spellchecker to make sure there are no errors in spelling or grammar. There's one in the New Reply box, but if you use a program such as MS Word, or Works, then that's fine, too.

Keep writing!

<3

EDIT: Let's not turn this into a repeat of last time, okay, Mr Redux? Not everyone is great at writing straight away, so don't be so harsh.
 

TheLastKnight

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thx guys....wordpad must have had it's spellcheck off...oops!I apologize redux too...I would like to hear what Zetsumi says...but I will most definetly keep writing...thx guys! but come on....more posts! don't let this thread die...
 

Q

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I can't add too much ^.^ But one thing I'd suggest is using a spellchecker to make sure there are no errors in spelling or grammar. There's one in the New Reply box, but if you use a program such as MS Word, or Works, then that's fine, too.

Keep writing!

<3

EDIT: Let's not turn this into a repeat of last time, okay, Mr Redux? Not everyone is great at writing straight away, so don't be so harsh.

But I'm not harsh.
Simply blunt. :D
 

TheLastKnight

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so even you,Mr.Redux, want a chap 2?I will take the advice everyone gave me...and I will turn spellcheck and grammar check on wordpad too.(can't believe I didn't notice!lol)but no one thought it sucked right?
 

TheLastKnight

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^No, it did not suck. Don't worry about it, man. ;)

I read through it once again...and I guess I did have alot of spelling errors,but more grammar.I guess I might get uptight about it...because I actually just now wrote a decent one.

Edit: how many of you want to participate in a short,funny FF competition, Just look for Short comp thread in FF section,post either comments or your own SHORT! not long and not serious FF, just a funny one you think is funnier than the one I posted there (my post will explain everything)

Edit2: Is there a way you can retitle a thread?I want to post chap 2 (maybe on Friday)on this same one!
 
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TheLastKnight

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but can you ever change the title of a thread...I will post chap 2 in the same thread...and chap2 won't be called "Transformation of my old one"lol
 

Endgame

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Well, while it's still got the same obvious plot flaws, you've made much more of an effort to write it well, and that's actually worked to your benefit.

Now what you need to work on is this: Not rushing it so much. You cram six or seven important events into a single sentance in some circumstances. Slow it down, and take your time to explain it all, don't rush events.
 

NeoTwilight

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In case you didn't understand that, here is an example-

I saw Kairi in her bedroom. I went in and jumped in a dark hole. Peach’s castle appeared before me. Hey Link, don’t we need to go save that dying tree? Roxas how did you get in that tree?

Instead, try looking at other people’s fics and use it to your advantage. Just don’t steal their ideas. lol
 

TheLastKnight

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I didn't really think i did that,I know what you mean, But I still want to know if you can change your title of your thread....without creating a new one.But out of 10 how'd you like it?You people didn't seem to have patience...so I had to be quick about it,srry.....I only rushed because Mr.//Redux// was saying something about not reading the articles...(something like that)

Edit: My brother just told me that wordpad doesn't have spell check....guess you'll most defineitly have to wait until......um.........I guess the least I can do is mon or tuesday....you may have to wait until friday!

(My brother offered me writing lessons....good thing I can just read the articles...)But I mean,it's a FF...it's not something you'll be making money off of.....it should be something to just have fun with and/or practice writing skills
 
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