To --

[Epif]

You're joking--
You're joking--
You have to be joking.
What other reason could there be for all your lies?
What other reason could there be for my heart,
As tender as it is,
Be so weighted down by these tears you give me?

What other reason could there be for my legs being shackled by your lead chains of bitterness?--
I know your chains are bitter.--
I know your chains are lead.--
I know you chains are on me,--
For else I would not weep in such a way
To weigh my blood-pulser down.

You are beautiful,--
And you say they hate you.
So?--
Why should you unbeautify yourself because of them?
You say you're better than everyone,
Not just them,
But Everyone.--
You are still beautiful,
But you hate the ones you claim hate you.
Does that make you better than everyone,--
Or does that make you unbeautiful?--

You relinquish your ties with the world,
Me included.
Me, unimportantly,
Indramatically,
Amorally
Included.--
You take your cup of crocodile tears and throw them down everyones' mouth.
You take your quilt of misery and bury yourself within it,--
Hoping for joy, hoping for love, and hoping for ecstasy.--

You,--
In all that beauty mentioned,
Take your fears and put them under microscopes.
You carry your woe in your wrists
And dig your solemn grave of pity.--
And yet,--
You seem as if to ask for aid.--
And then you destroy all chances of such a thing,
A thing--
A thing of joy, of love, and of ecstasy.

You take your mind and abstract your hopes and twist your dreams to seem like
They are impossible,--
Even when it be evident they are not such as that.--
You carry your tears in a locket--
And over the span of a month, add
More and more
Until another locket must suffice.--

There is not a way,
In all the world, to please you.
Not a way because you force yourself down,--
You force yourself lower and lower
Until there is nowhere else to go,--
Then you look up.--
You look up and see
There was nothing like what you thought would be
In your past.--

There was nothing there.--
Not blackness,
Nor whiteness.--
But nothing expected.--
You thought there would be pain, be hate, and be sorrowful agony.

But you knew--
You knew--
All along that there was none.--
And so you saw nothing--

Because you couldn't bear--
To be happy.​

--
Feel free to comment and critique!

 

[King Sora X]

Just like to say--wow. Just wow, that was pretty intense, and honestly, sounded like something I'd probably write xD.

Okay, now time for some parts I saw that you probably missed:

You take your cup of crocodile tears and throw then down everyones' mouth.

In bold, not sure if that was by accident, but I think you misspelled "them", and accidently put "then". Fixing that might make that line make more sense.

You carry your woe in you wrists

Same thing here. It seems to me, that you misspelled "your" and accidently put "you". A common mistake when typing fast xD.

I say when those two little, minor typos are fixed, it'll be more of a clear read ^^.

So overall, this poem is great. I personally liked how the message your getting across is direct, and is referring to the mistakes the person being addressed in it is forced to hear about the wrongs he/she has done, and the person most affected by it actually reveals that he/she isn't at all affected anymore. That's what I love most about this ^^

Great job bro o/

 

[Epif]

Just like to say--wow. Just wow, that was pretty intense, and honestly, sounded like something I'd probably write xD.

This poem was written about two years ago. I haven't changed it, 'cause I like it so much.

I say when those two little, minor typos are fixed, it'll be more of a clear read ^^.

Thank you so much for pointing those out! I wrote this in a forum somewhen, and-- well-- there were typos xD.

So overall, this poem is great. I personally liked how the message your getting across is direct, and is referring to the mistakes the person being addressed in it is forced to hear about the wrongs he/she has done, and the person most affected by it actually reveals that he/she isn't at all affected anymore. That's what I love most about this ^^

Thank you for the compliments! I won't reveal just what this poem's about, but I think you got it.

Great job bro o/

Thanks again. I actually always thought that smiley thing was a weird cyclops... xD *returns highfive*

 

[LongLiveLife]

Wow. This is the longest poem you have written that I have read! Nevertheless, it was well worth the time and effort to read.

First, let's start with the nasty, the nitpicking that both King Sora X and yourself missed, but I feel obligated to bring up:

Be so weighted down be these tears you give me?

I believe you mean by?

Okay, now that that's done with, let's get on to my favorite part of commenting on your poems: praising you for your writing! I'll start with my general impressions and then move down into specifics.

The sombre mood and atmosphere you create is flawless and consistently maintained through out the poem. I commend this because with a poem of this length, it is quite often easy to lose track of the initial idea you set out with at the beginning. So, well done for that!

Again, I also praise your coupling of stanzas. You will have to teach me how to paragraph ideas so distinctly and coherently some time. In particular, I like that you start most stanzas in the beginning half of the poem with the pronoun 'You'. Very powerful, and the repetition really drives across the depth of emotion you are trying to convey.

Now onto specifics of language, which sent shivers down my spine -- in a good way, mind you:

To weigh my blood-pulser down.

I like that you made a reference to the ending lines of the first stanza here with the 'weighing down of the heart'. You do this again later on with 'joy, love and ecstasy' in the fourth and fifth stanzas. This really creates impact and links the different stanzas together so that they feel like a part of one poem, rather than a multitude of poems put together on one page.

You relinquish your ties with the world,
Me included.
Me, unimportantly,
Indramatically,
Amorally
Included.--

This was my favorite part because you really feel the persona's insignificance. (I also like the made up words.) Also in this stanza, I liked the metaphor of crocodile's tears -- crocodiles are known to weep before they strike at their prey. Very dangerous, very graphic, very good.

Hoping for joy, hoping for love, and hoping for ecstasy.--
A thing of joy, of love, and of ecstasy.

I believe the flow could be improved by removing the 'and' in both cases.

You carry your tears in a locket--

Love the imagery. A locket is precious and of sentimental value; connecting tears to the locket gives the sadness the same qualities.

The final stanzas of the poem are great too -- they convey the sense of nothingness particularly well.

Okay! We're now done with the specifics. Closing remarks? Really powerful, really moving piece. I like it a lot, and I hope to see more like it in the future.

 

[Epif]

Wow. This is the longest poem you have written that I have read! Nevertheless, it was well worth the time and effort to read.

The sombre mood and atmosphere you create is flawless and consistently maintained through out the poem. I commend this because with a poem of this length, it is quite often easy to lose track of the initial idea you set out with at the beginning. So, well done for that!

Again, I also praise your coupling of stanzas. You will have to teach me how to paragraph ideas so distinctly and coherently some time. In particular, I like that you start most stanzas in the beginning half of the poem with the pronoun 'You'. Very powerful, and the repetition really drives across the depth of emotion you are trying to convey.

Thank you very much for the praise!

I like that you made a reference to the ending lines of the first stanza here with the 'weighing down of the heart'. You do this again later on with 'joy, love and ecstasy' in the fourth and fifth stanzas. This really creates impact and links the different stanzas together so that they feel like a part of one poem, rather than a multitude of poems put together on one page.

I swear, I didn't mean to do it. ._.;; Or maybe I did? I don't remember!

This was my favorite part because you really feel the persona's insignificance. (I also like the made up words.) Also in this stanza, I liked the metaphor of crocodile's tears -- crocodiles are known to weep before they strike at their prey. Very dangerous, very graphic, very good.

Those words are their own. I'm still not sure what they mean.

I believe the flow could be improved by removing the 'and' in both cases.

I don't think it effects the flow like that.

Love the imagery. A locket is precious and of sentimental value; connecting tears to the locket gives the sadness the same qualities.

Can you even imagine trying to do that?

The final stanzas of the poem are great too -- they convey the sense of nothingness particularly well.

Thank you.

Okay! We're now done with the specifics. Closing remarks? Really powerful, really moving piece. I like it a lot, and I hope to see more like it in the future.

You should apply to the critique thread. Thank you! =D

 

[LongLiveLife]

Those words are their own. I'm still not sure what they mean.

Oh. I thought you were referring to the metaphor of a crocodile's tears, an insincere display of emotion.

Can you even imagine trying to do that?

Uhm...filling up the locket with tears? Or writing about it?

You should apply to the critique thread.

Oh, thank you! I will definitely consider if my schedule in the future should allow.

 

[Epif]

Oh. I thought you were referring to the metaphor of a crocodile's tears, an insincere display of emotion.

xD I was definitely talking about the words I made up.

Uhm...filling up the locket with tears? Or writing about it?

x'D The first one! Writing about it wasn't too difficult, in all honesty.

 

[Dr_Mario64]

Wow. This is the longest poem you have written that I have read! Nevertheless, it was well worth the time and effort to read.

First, let's start with the nasty, the nitpicking that both King Sora X and yourself missed, but I feel obligated to bring up:



I believe you mean by?

Okay, now that that's done with, let's get on to my favorite part of commenting on your poems: praising you for your writing! I'll start with my general impressions and then move down into specifics.

The sombre mood and atmosphere you create is flawless and consistently maintained through out the poem. I commend this because with a poem of this length, it is quite often easy to lose track of the initial idea you set out with at the beginning. So, well done for that!

Again, I also praise your coupling of stanzas. You will have to teach me how to paragraph ideas so distinctly and coherently some time. In particular, I like that you start most stanzas in the beginning half of the poem with the pronoun 'You'. Very powerful, and the repetition really drives across the depth of emotion you are trying to convey.

Now onto specifics of language, which sent shivers down my spine -- in a good way, mind you:



I like that you made a reference to the ending lines of the first stanza here with the 'weighing down of the heart'. You do this again later on with 'joy, love and ecstasy' in the fourth and fifth stanzas. This really creates impact and links the different stanzas together so that they feel like a part of one poem, rather than a multitude of poems put together on one page.



This was my favorite part because you really feel the persona's insignificance. (I also like the made up words.) Also in this stanza, I liked the metaphor of crocodile's tears -- crocodiles are known to weep before they strike at their prey. Very dangerous, very graphic, very good.



I believe the flow could be improved by removing the 'and' in both cases.



Love the imagery. A locket is precious and of sentimental value; connecting tears to the locket gives the sadness the same qualities.

The final stanzas of the poem are great too -- they convey the sense of nothingness particularly well.

Okay! We're now done with the specifics. Closing remarks? Really powerful, really moving piece. I like it a lot, and I hope to see more like it in the future.

I like your style of reviewing. It is very personal. It establishes a connection with the writer rather than getting down to business from the get-go as most critics tend to do. Your knowledge of the medium is astounding (mostly because my knowledge of poetry is zip, but regardless) it reflects throughout your review and is never thrust upon the writer. You give credit where credit is due and gently point out problems when necessary, and you do it piece-by-piece to show specifically where you got your opinion. This is what I look for in a good critic. Your conclusion works but it needs two things every conclusion must have: praise for the strong aspects of the piece to build the writer's confidence and points of improvement to build the writer's skills. All-in-all, you did a great job and I'll be happy to have you on the team provided you show me the same quality in prose. Until next time, ttfn!