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TMM wrote a rap. Let's talk about how he sucks



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TheMuffinMan

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Okay, so, about a month ago my friend asked me to write a rap/poetry slam for him. I'm like "what, why?" and he's like "I dunno cause you're hilarious". So I'm like "okay...what about?" and he says with a completely straight face:

"Chess".

This threw me off because I had no idea how to even start, so I put it off for a month. But see, today I am really god damn tired, and crazy shit happens when that goes down. So, I decided to write it.

I loved Taylor and Steve's rap battle thread, but I am nowhere on that level because that shit had me rolling it was so clever, but this is the best I could manage in about 1 hour:


Hittin up Nash's, we lay down the board
black white black white, Pawns linin' like whores
Queen on her color, the King's stingey ol bitch
Bishop by their side, no, these ones don't touch kids

next comes those Knights, hoppin pieces like bros
Rook on the each end, always movin' in rows
now the shit is all set; you ready to mess?
no this ain't no parcheesi, son, we playin' some CHESS

now we battlin', board rattlin', bitches in the back chatterin'
no matterin', just toss em a salad'in, they watchin' their calorin'

you know we get the honies cause we movin' pieces like sex
Knight to F4, hold on; I pause for a flex

ladies all swoon, can't help it, I'm the gandmaster
is this speed chess? 'cause, boy, you betta play faster
whoops, takin' your pieces, I be spellin' disaster
pay it no mind, with you they ain't nuttin but trashers

you sure this yo game, son? cause you sweatin' like Becker
watchoo say? "king me"? bitch, go play some Checkers

now your Queen is gone, here, try on her dress
does it make your ass look big? girl take a guess
pick up the phone, betta call up the press
looks like from playin' me, you be growin some breasts

now you betta confess, now don't you distress
Ima assess, gotta express
dayum dude, you growin' some excess
somethin' to caress, boy you been blessed
I'm impressed
but hey, enough recess
I must digress
hold on for a sec, while I bench press

game windin' down, lucky for you I been sparin' the pain
this was all a joke, yo skills be down the drain
now my pieces are movin, prowling lions on the plain
where my damsel at? cause this dragon 'bout to be slain

or were you even a dragon? punk. more like a pup
now that's a checkmate, bitch, go clean yourself up.
 

TheMuffinMan

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Jun 9, 2005
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I still have lines for this in my head...it coulda been longer, but I just gave myself an hour to do it

hurmhurm
 

Rabello

New member
Joined
Apr 4, 2007
Messages
203
Location
Finland
TMM, you are the last person on earth who I would imagine making a rap. You are almost as white as Redneck-faggot-Joe, but still this was fucking great. Thank you for this. Made my day just a little bit brighter.
 

TheMuffinMan

Armchair Administrator
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Messages
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RABBE IT'S WINTER IN FINLAND YOU GUYS GET LIKE 2 HOURS OF SUNLIGHT RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE I BRIGHTENED YOUR DAY YOU CRAZY CRACKA

NOW GET BACK TO FUCKING MY SISTER
 
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