Fanfiction ► Timetravel

[Snowy]

This is my second story on both here anf fanfiction. You know I've never played birth by sleep before so I can't go that much into detail but I did watched the cutscenes. (just letting know )

Summary: Sora got by accident warped 10 years in the past. He meets the heroes
of the past. How will things work out with Sora?


PROLOQUE

“Talk about a weird place.” Sora murmured to himself as he looked around.

It looked like the world was split into two. The left part pas made of darkness, the right part was light. Everywhere you looked we’re little tornado’s. It wasn’t a big world though. Like an Island floating into the darkness and Light sky. There was a big door in front of the Island. With a huge time clock on it.

I am glad I made the right decision to not bring my friends with me. It’s too dangerous for them.
That’s how I see it anyway. Sora thought as he walked down the road. He wondered how he got to a world like this. He looked around him.

He then blinked when suddenly a tornado reached its way to Sora. “Oh, no! I have to go to the Gummy ship it’s not save here!” Sora cried as he ran as fast as he could.

But it wasn’t good enough. He got sucked into the tornado and became unconscious.
The huge time clock made ten turns back. Then a bright flash surrounded the whole world.

“Gosh, are you okay?” a voice said.

Sora felt weird he opened slowly his eyes to find himself laying on sand.
He looked at the ground and then turned into the direction of the sound his eyes widened.
“King Mickey! What are you doing here? Where are we? And why are you wearing those clothes?” he asked but Mickey frowned.

“Excuse me? Have we met?” he asked Sora looking a bit lost.

Sora blinked. “Of course we have! It’s me Sora.” Mickey scanned his memory but couldn’t find any Sora in it. “Gosh, I’m sorry I don’t remember.” Sora’s face fell.

“But we are on the Keyblade Graveyard.” Mickey said as he looked around him.

Hey I remember this world.. back when I fought that lingering sentiment..
Sora thought as he scanned the world.

“Keyblade graveyard huh?” Sora whispered to himself. Suddenly he felt footsteps coming closer.
Mickey heard it too and already seems to know who it was. He glared in the direction of the footsteps.

Sora saw an old man walking in the direction of the two. He wondered who it was but somehow felt familiar. Like he saw him before. But began to stare at the man.

Mickey growled at him. “Master Xehanort!” he yelled as a keyblade appeared in his hand.
Sora eyes widened and was shocked as he heard the name.

What Xehanort?!

 

[Luap]

Your idea is an okay one.
But you need to make in longer.
Also, this is me just being nit picky, but you should have started the story in the past, and done something to explain how he wound up in the past.

 

[CA59]

Timetravel

Type your title properly.

PROLOQUE

Spellcheck.

“Talk about a weird place.” Sora murmured to himself as he looked around.

You don't even explain HOW he got there.

The left part pas made of darkness, the right part was light.

"Was" is spelled wrong.

Everywhere you looked we’re little tornado’s.

The apostrophes don't need to be there, and neither does "you". This needs to be worded better overall.

It wasn’t a big world though.

What's with the "though"?

Like an Island floating into the darkness and Light sky.

Some of these words do not need to be capitalized. Also, this is not a complete sentence.

There was a big door in front of the Island. With a huge time clock on it.

These two sentences should be combined. "Island" doesn't need to be merged.

I am glad I made the right decision to not bring my friends with me. It’s too dangerous for them.

That’s how I see it anyway.

Maybe Kairi, but not Riku. This is stupid.

He wondered how he got to a world like this. He looked around him.

Maybe this sentence could say something like, "He looked around him, wondering how he got to a world like this.".

He then blinked when suddenly a tornado reached its way to Sora.

This sounds dumb when you say it out loud.

“Oh, no! I have to go to the Gummy ship it’s not save here!”

So he got warped while on his Gummi Ship (which is spelled wrong)? You could have explained this. Also, do you mean "safe"? The second sentence is a run-on, by the way.

But it wasn’t good enough. He got sucked into the tornado and became unconscious.

"Good enough"? Don't you mean "he wasn't fast enough"? Also, he got sucked in, and then just immediately became unconscious? I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to me.

The huge time clock made ten turns back. Then a bright flash surrounded the whole world.

He was unconscious, how would he know what happened? If you're just explaining what happened, this needs to be better written.

“King Mickey! What are you doing here? Where are we? And why are you wearing those clothes?” he asked but Mickey frowned.

You don't even describe what he looks like. In fact, there is no description of anyone.

It’s me Sora.”

Comma after "me".

Mickey scanned his memory but couldn’t find any Sora in it

This sounds stupid.

Hey I remember this world.. back when I fought that lingering sentiment..

Ellipses consist of three periods, not two. Also, this needs fixing.

“Keyblade graveyard huh?” Sora whispered to himself.

Be consistent in your capitalization. You went from capitalizing "graveyard" to not doing it. Inconsistency is never good for a story. Also, it's "Keyblade Graveyard".

Suddenly he felt footsteps coming closer.

Do you mean "heard"?

Mickey heard it too and already seems to know who it was.

The first "it" should be them. "Seems" should be past tense.

Like he saw him before. But began to stare at the man.

The first bit is kind of redundant. Both of these are sentence fragments.

as a keyblade appeared in his hand.

What did it look like?

Sora eyes widened and was shocked as he heard the name.

"Sora" should be possessive (Sora's). Also, it soudns like you said his eyes were shocked. The sentence might also be a bit better if "as" was changed to "when".

What Xehanort?!

This is dumb. What does he mean by that?