This a piece from the novel I'm currently working on. I could use some critique from you wonderful people. This occurs near the begining of the story. This is a rough copy by the way, so find all the errors please.
Come on, I order you to TEAR-IT-APART.
A bang at the door caused Dominic to moan out a quick profanity, quickly rolling onto the other side of the cot; again the persistent knock continued. This was actually profoundly annoying, as, according to the LED clock just on the other side of the room, it was in fact, nine in the morning. He groaned loudly, quickly shouting a curse.
“Will you leave me alone?”
No, the knocking would not leave him alone. In fact, it persisted. This finally forced Dominic to take action, as he quickly threw himself out of his warm, comforting bed and out into the harsh, cold reality of the real world. Shivering, he quickly stumbled over all the trash that had managed to gather in his small dorm, shared with a rather good friend of his. After some initial groggy fumbling, he managed to swing the door wide open. Outside his dorm, stood a young woman, much shorter than himself, wearing a very pristine and well ordered Academy uniform. She looked quiet dignified, although her face was flushed, as if she had just seen a ghost.
Though, no well groomed uniformed cadet was going to stop his ensuing anger. With nothing more than a snort, Dominic looked down on the poor girl, muttering a curse under his breath. It took him a moment to collect himself.
“What is it?”
She stared up at him, eyes wide in panic, before quickly bringing her gaze directly to the ground. Dominic merely tilted his head, not so much curious as he was annoyed.
“Well, you came all this way to wake me up at such a time, now bring your head up and speak.”
She shifted uncomfortably, before doing as she was told, stupidly brining herself to attention, saluting him. She stumbled out a weak, “Graduate Cassidey, reporting for assignment sir.” Before shifting her gaze back down to the floor, her face completely red.
Dominic swore loudly. “Never call me that again.”
“Call you what sir?”
“Right there, that last word you just yelped!”
“Sir?”
He swore again. “Shut up!”
Her head shot up, taking a step back, a little shocked at her superior’s behaviour. It took her a moment to regain her composure, before popping a question. “So what should I call you?”
Dominic sighed, twisting his head in disappointment. “D, you can call me D.”
She frowned. “Yes si - “ she stopped herself midsentence, already aware of the glare she was receiving from her superiors dark animal eyes. “I mean, yes D.”
He turned himself around, away from the open door, shaking his head in disbelief. He slowly turned himself back around, looking down at the petite girl, quickly mumbling an apology. “Listen; sorry for yelling at you, you just have no idea how much I hate that word. If you’re here for what I think you’re here for, then you should know that you’re no longer in the Academy. From this point on I want you to forget any and all military slang they have you spouting. You’re a human being god damn’t.”
She nodded her head, before quickly looking away again.
Dominic grimaced, “And look at me when I’m talking to you.”
“I’m sorry sir, it’s just that –“ she stopped midsentence, before turning her gaze back to him, “you seem to be naked.”
Dominic laughed out loud, looking down on himself. She was right, he was naked; nothing to cover his shame with. “Yeah, I know, magnificent.” Turning, he walked back into his dorm, beckoning her to follow. She blushed, slowly coming in after him.
“My pants are on the chair over there; bring ‘em here.”
She twitched uncomfortably, before doing as she was told, trying her best to look away from him. This merely caused Dominic to sigh. He quickly stepped into them and pulled them up, buckling them.
“You’re eighteen, right?” He quickly asked, scratching the back of his head.
“Actually sir – “
“I’m sorry what?”
“... I’m sixteen.”
Dominic nodded his head, sitting down onto his cot. “Graduated early then, I see. Well that’s rather impressive, but tell me...”
She tilted her head from where she stood, still only a few feet from the still open doorway.
“Is Lieutenant Goldberg still a hardass?”
She smiled, trying her best to stifle a laugh. “Yes.”
Dominic laughed out loud again, shaking his head. Getting up from the cot, he wandered over to the far corner of the room, where a single mirror was mounted on the wall. He gave himself a quick look over, turning his body to the side as the Cassidey merely watched. “Gross,” he muttered to himself; a dark shadow of facial hair had begun to sprout above his lip. A quick twitch of his lips solved that, however, as the facial hair immediately fell from his face, slowly cascading down onto the ground. Oh the miracles of modern mutagenic science. He nodded his head in agreement with his appearance, before turning to face the girl once more.
“Alright, I guess I better give you the grand tour in a bit. Go downstairs and wait for me by the dorm entrance. I’ll be down after a quick shower.”
She nodded her head, before bolting out of his dark room. Dominic shook his head once more, cursing under his breath at the graduate. This happened every year; the graduates from the State Forces Academy were each assigned to a mentor, where they would take on a role much like an apprentice. Each mentor would then be forced to teach the student on how to be a mercenary. The Academy only taught them the basics, such as using their mutagenic abilities on the battlefield. It was up to the mentors to actually teach them how to be a proper soldier. Of course, the mentors were chosen at random. And it seemed that today was his unfortunate day.
He grunted under his breath. In the mirror stared back a rather upset looking man; dark raven hair showered down his face in a rather tangled mess, coming so close to shrouding his dark slit eyes. His body was rather tall and lanky, with pale skin; not exactly poster boy material.
Dominic eyed his dark hair for a moment. It had been a while since he last changed his hair; and his eyes for that matter. Black was starting to grow a bit dull to him. Perhaps he would change it to a dark purple?
“Oh man, that’d be sweet.”
He chuckled to himself, before turning around, grabbing a towel off the ground below him. Before he could do all that, he had to take care of a little brat first.
‘Oh today is going to suck.’
Come on, I order you to TEAR-IT-APART.
---
“And so here I stood, before the light.
A beauty she is, so tall and strong.
She looked down upon me, as if staring into my soul.
And here is where I realized, I was staring up at god.”
An excerpt from the Bible Hiram.
---
“And so here I stood, before the light.
A beauty she is, so tall and strong.
She looked down upon me, as if staring into my soul.
And here is where I realized, I was staring up at god.”
An excerpt from the Bible Hiram.
---
A bang at the door caused Dominic to moan out a quick profanity, quickly rolling onto the other side of the cot; again the persistent knock continued. This was actually profoundly annoying, as, according to the LED clock just on the other side of the room, it was in fact, nine in the morning. He groaned loudly, quickly shouting a curse.
“Will you leave me alone?”
No, the knocking would not leave him alone. In fact, it persisted. This finally forced Dominic to take action, as he quickly threw himself out of his warm, comforting bed and out into the harsh, cold reality of the real world. Shivering, he quickly stumbled over all the trash that had managed to gather in his small dorm, shared with a rather good friend of his. After some initial groggy fumbling, he managed to swing the door wide open. Outside his dorm, stood a young woman, much shorter than himself, wearing a very pristine and well ordered Academy uniform. She looked quiet dignified, although her face was flushed, as if she had just seen a ghost.
Though, no well groomed uniformed cadet was going to stop his ensuing anger. With nothing more than a snort, Dominic looked down on the poor girl, muttering a curse under his breath. It took him a moment to collect himself.
“What is it?”
She stared up at him, eyes wide in panic, before quickly bringing her gaze directly to the ground. Dominic merely tilted his head, not so much curious as he was annoyed.
“Well, you came all this way to wake me up at such a time, now bring your head up and speak.”
She shifted uncomfortably, before doing as she was told, stupidly brining herself to attention, saluting him. She stumbled out a weak, “Graduate Cassidey, reporting for assignment sir.” Before shifting her gaze back down to the floor, her face completely red.
Dominic swore loudly. “Never call me that again.”
“Call you what sir?”
“Right there, that last word you just yelped!”
“Sir?”
He swore again. “Shut up!”
Her head shot up, taking a step back, a little shocked at her superior’s behaviour. It took her a moment to regain her composure, before popping a question. “So what should I call you?”
Dominic sighed, twisting his head in disappointment. “D, you can call me D.”
She frowned. “Yes si - “ she stopped herself midsentence, already aware of the glare she was receiving from her superiors dark animal eyes. “I mean, yes D.”
He turned himself around, away from the open door, shaking his head in disbelief. He slowly turned himself back around, looking down at the petite girl, quickly mumbling an apology. “Listen; sorry for yelling at you, you just have no idea how much I hate that word. If you’re here for what I think you’re here for, then you should know that you’re no longer in the Academy. From this point on I want you to forget any and all military slang they have you spouting. You’re a human being god damn’t.”
She nodded her head, before quickly looking away again.
Dominic grimaced, “And look at me when I’m talking to you.”
“I’m sorry sir, it’s just that –“ she stopped midsentence, before turning her gaze back to him, “you seem to be naked.”
Dominic laughed out loud, looking down on himself. She was right, he was naked; nothing to cover his shame with. “Yeah, I know, magnificent.” Turning, he walked back into his dorm, beckoning her to follow. She blushed, slowly coming in after him.
“My pants are on the chair over there; bring ‘em here.”
She twitched uncomfortably, before doing as she was told, trying her best to look away from him. This merely caused Dominic to sigh. He quickly stepped into them and pulled them up, buckling them.
“You’re eighteen, right?” He quickly asked, scratching the back of his head.
“Actually sir – “
“I’m sorry what?”
“... I’m sixteen.”
Dominic nodded his head, sitting down onto his cot. “Graduated early then, I see. Well that’s rather impressive, but tell me...”
She tilted her head from where she stood, still only a few feet from the still open doorway.
“Is Lieutenant Goldberg still a hardass?”
She smiled, trying her best to stifle a laugh. “Yes.”
Dominic laughed out loud again, shaking his head. Getting up from the cot, he wandered over to the far corner of the room, where a single mirror was mounted on the wall. He gave himself a quick look over, turning his body to the side as the Cassidey merely watched. “Gross,” he muttered to himself; a dark shadow of facial hair had begun to sprout above his lip. A quick twitch of his lips solved that, however, as the facial hair immediately fell from his face, slowly cascading down onto the ground. Oh the miracles of modern mutagenic science. He nodded his head in agreement with his appearance, before turning to face the girl once more.
“Alright, I guess I better give you the grand tour in a bit. Go downstairs and wait for me by the dorm entrance. I’ll be down after a quick shower.”
She nodded her head, before bolting out of his dark room. Dominic shook his head once more, cursing under his breath at the graduate. This happened every year; the graduates from the State Forces Academy were each assigned to a mentor, where they would take on a role much like an apprentice. Each mentor would then be forced to teach the student on how to be a mercenary. The Academy only taught them the basics, such as using their mutagenic abilities on the battlefield. It was up to the mentors to actually teach them how to be a proper soldier. Of course, the mentors were chosen at random. And it seemed that today was his unfortunate day.
He grunted under his breath. In the mirror stared back a rather upset looking man; dark raven hair showered down his face in a rather tangled mess, coming so close to shrouding his dark slit eyes. His body was rather tall and lanky, with pale skin; not exactly poster boy material.
Dominic eyed his dark hair for a moment. It had been a while since he last changed his hair; and his eyes for that matter. Black was starting to grow a bit dull to him. Perhaps he would change it to a dark purple?
“Oh man, that’d be sweet.”
He chuckled to himself, before turning around, grabbing a towel off the ground below him. Before he could do all that, he had to take care of a little brat first.
‘Oh today is going to suck.’
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