THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER TWO UP!]



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- Introduction -

Salutations, fellow fan fiction writers and readers! As you can see, my (user)name is Seraph and I've decided to start writing a fan fic! Why? Well, the reason to this is because I've been bombarded by ideas to write a story about Kingdom Hearts mixed with musical elements, and what a better name than this one? It all started with the rumors of a possible release of THEATRYTHM: Kingdom Hearts. It got my mind running and I decided to exercise some ideas and, with this, I got very creative and decided to write instead of leaving them to rot in my mind like I've done with previous ideas. So, without further ado...


Let the games begin! :>

- Prologue -

Our heroic trio, Sora, Donald, and Goofy, bored from doing nothing at Yen Sid's tower, decide to go for a small trip throughout the universe to rid their boredom.

Hey... Sora blurts. What's that? He used his right index finger to point at a bottle-shaped object approaching their Gummi Ship.

Huh...? Take a closer look, Goofy. Donald suggested.

Okay. Goofy reached his right hand to a table with pictures of himself and his son, with a small mess on it that could be cleaned in a minute. He grabbed some binoculars and decided to take a look.

Oh... It's a bottle.

Space junk? Sora thought.

It has some paper in it, like a letter.

Let me see. Said Donald as he forcefully ripped the binoculars out of Goofy's hands.

It does... He said, sounding surprised.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go get it! Enthusiastic and curious, Sora suggested to do what would ease what scratches his curiosity.

Okay, I'll go and get it.

With that said, Goofy grabbed an empty fishbowl and put it on his head. He approached the backside of the ship and pressed a button that read OPEN. It opened the hatch and he jumped out of the ship, moving as if he were swimming to try and get the bottle. While avoiding small meteorites that could crack his "helmet" in two, he managed to get a hold of the desired item. He "swam" back to the ship and gave the bottle to Sora. Without hesitation, he opened the bottle, seeing as how he was the most curious to know what was inside of it.

Let see... It says... Merlin?

Huh? Donald and Goofy placed their attention on Sora when he mentioned the wizard's name.

Yeah, it says Merlin right at the bottom!

Let me see that. Like always, Donald forcefully got an item from someone's hand, this time, Sora was the victim.

Hey, give that back!

Shh!

You could have said please!

With their childish bickering aside, Donald began reading what seemed like a letter out loud.

Dear Sora:

I am in urgent need of your help. A most dreadful villain you know has disrupted the peace in one of the worlds that inhabits this ever-so-varied universe we live in. Since we need your help immediately, I will disclose a spell that will direct your ship to my location in a matter of seconds.

Desperately,
Merlin

A spell that can get us there in a matter of sec-Woah!


Suddenly, the ship started shaking, emitting a weird energy that got more intense by the second.

What's going on?! Said Sora.

I don't know! Donald replied.

Surprisingly, Goofy was standing still, thinking. Suddenly, the ship turns into a dot of light and moves faster than a shooting star. All this transpired in a matter of seconds, almost a minute. Sora and Donald look at the Gummi ship's windows. To their surprise, they saw a world in front of them.

Gosh, guys! I think I've figured out! This shaking was the spell Merlin put in the letter, so we should arrive to the world in a couple of-

Goofy
. Sora said.

We're here. Donald added.

Oh! It worked faster than he said it would, ahya haha!

Sora took the wheel and landed on the world. The hatch opened and everyone got off the ship. They arrived to a forest-like area, since everything looked so weird, they doubted the type of environment they were in. The tree's branches were made out of those sticks you use to sound the drums while the birds sang like a chorus.

This place is weird. Sora said.

Yeah, what kind of birds sing like a chorus? Donald pointed out.

Heartless? Goofy said.

No Goofy, Heartless don't sing. Replied Sora.

No, I meant HEARTLESS!

What?!
Both Sora and Donald shouted.

In front of the trio, Shadow and Soldier Heartless appeared.

Sora summoned his keyblade. Even out here?

Donald grabbed his scepter. Darkness really IS everywhere.

Goofy prepared his shield and battle stance. Looks like we have to battle, huh?

Just as the three were prepared to jump at their enemies, Donald and Sora rapidly jumped to attack their enemies, but... Goofy?

Hey guys look, a sign!

Goofy!
Exclaimed Sora.

Forget about the sign and come here and help us! Said Donald, but angered.

But it says this place's name!

What's it say?
Even while slashing his enemy, Sora couldn't control his curiosity.

Ca... mena fo... rest... Camena Forest!

Suddenly, from inside a batch of trees, a big, squirrel Heartless jumped at Goofy.

Goofy!

xXx


So... That's it for the prologue of this story... Thoughts? :]

Spoiler Spoiler Show



 
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Key Wielder

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts

That was certainly a very interesting start to what I'm sure will be an equally interesting story. Sora, Donald, and Goofy are actually pretty spot-on in terms of characterization; the part with the fishbowl is both funny and sadly accurate, I think. xD Great job, and I look forward to seeing what you have planned next. :)
 

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts

That was certainly a very interesting start to what I'm sure will be an equally interesting story.
Thanks! :D
I plan on introducing music elements and expanding a bit of them (it's always fun to learn about other things in things like video games, fan fics, etc.)

Sora, Donald, and Goofy are actually pretty spot-on in terms of characterization;
The hell...? o.e
For real? I thought they were 0% themselves, lol! Thanks, now I know what do and what not to do when writing them. xD

the part with the fishbowl is both funny and sadly accurate,
I'm TRYING to incorporate a BIT of Disney cartoon humor. A bit. I don't want to ruin their characterization, now that I know I'm writing them spot-on. d^_^

and I look forward to seeing what you have planned next. :)
Thanks. :)
Criticism is always appreciate; hope to see more crits from you from now on. :]
 

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts

Previously... On THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts:

This place is weird. Sora said.

Yeah, what kind of birds sing like a chorus? Donald pointed out.

Heartless? Goofy said.

No Goofy, Heartless don't sing. Replied Sora.

No, I meant HEARTLESS!

What?!
Both Sora and Donald shouted.

In front of the trio, Shadow and Soldier Heartless appeared.

Sora summoned his keyblade. Even out here?

Donald grabbed his scepter. Darkness really IS everywhere.

Goofy prepared his shield and battle stance. Looks like we have to battle, huh?

Just as the three were prepared to jump at their enemies, Donald and Sora rapidly jumped to attack their enemies, but... Goofy?

Hey guys look, a sign!

Goofy!
Exclaimed Sora.

Forget about the sign and come here and help us! Said Donald, but angered.

But it says this place's name!

What's it say?
Even while slashing his enemy, Sora couldn't control his curiosity.

Ca... mena fo... rest... Camena Forest!

Suddenly, from inside a batch of trees, a big, squirrel Heartless jumped at Goofy.

Goofy!
- Chapter One -

PERVIDI NOTE

Aaah...!

Sora grunted, covering his ears, but the squirrel's screeching disturbed his, Donald's and Goofy's mind.

*screech*

Make it stop!

Stop!


Suddenly, the screeching stopped.

It's... over? Sora asked, relieved.

Goofy! Donald exclaimed.

He ran towards Goofy, whom was at the ground.

Goofy! Are you alright?!

Gosh, everything turned black after at squirrel jumped at me.


Suddenly, a man wearing a black cloak, similar to the Organization's, approached the trio. Sora, startled, got into his battle stance.

Who are you?!

Oh, my! Said the enigmatic man.

Huh? Donald said, his voice sounded familiar.

Keep your weapon down, boy! Although keys are used for keyholes, that can surely take an eye out! Said the mysterious man, in a nagging tone.

Merlin? Sora asked.

Who else would it be?! He paused for a moment, touched his head and felt a sort of Duh! moment.

Right, right, my cloak is on. *finger snap*

A pink smoke surrounded him, revealing, or completely, to be Merlin the Wizard.

*cough, cough* Dear me, I need to stop invoking smoke during my spells!

Merlin!
Sora said.

Gosh, guys! I think his voice sounds like Merlin's! Enthusiastically, but rather late, Goofy said, as if he had figured one of Nomura's vague and subtle hints.

Good to know you're alright, Goofy. Said Merlin. But there are more pressing matters, sadly. He added. Cloakity, cloakaty, cloak! *poof* More smoke surrounded the wizard, this time, black-colored. *cough, cough* I hope I don't get asthma from this constant exposure to smoke. Nagging as always, but this time, to himself and under his black cloak.

Oh, Merlin. Sora said, in a cheesy, 80s show sort of way.

Why are you wearing that cloak, Merlin? Donald, perceptively, interrogated.

Yeah, no wonder Sora mistook you for an Organization member, you look just like one of them. Goofy, surprisingly, added something to the conversation, spot-on.

I'm afraid this will have to wait. As always, Merlin likes for things to speak for themselves and seems to want the warriors to experience things beforehand.

I will transport you to what caused me to send you a note of concern. He said.

He grabbed his magical wand and started conjuring a spell. As he did, reality turned into waves that began going up and down, up and down, making our heroes dizzy.

Don't worry, the dizziness is perfectly normal, just don't have last night's Joe come out at me, oh!

I'm sure the least of things we should be thinking about now is food.
Sora said.

Yeah, you ate a couple of hours ago. Donald added.

No, it's because I don't want to puke...

With all that aside, the spell finally worked and the crew arrived to what seems to be, or used to be, a town.

What is this place? Asked Sora.

This... Or rather, was... Sanus Town.
 
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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

Surprisingly, Goofy was standing still, thinking. Suddenly, the ship
turns into a dot of light and moves faster than a shooting star. All
this transpired in a matter of seconds, almost a minute. Sora and Donald look at
the Gummi ship's windows. To their surprise, they saw a world in front of them.
Here you change from past to present tense.

That and I noticed you use italics instead of quotations when someone speaks. I figured this was intentional, and hey it's your story, you can write how ever you want.

Like I said they're nothing big.
 

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

Here you change from past to present tense.

That and I noticed you use italics instead of quotations when someone speaks. I figured this was intentional, and hey it's your story, you can write how ever you want.

Like I said they're nothing big.
Oh, good to know. d^^ And yeah, quotations is a style of writing, but I find it meh. I think it blends too much with the rest of the text, which I something I don't want. Dx

Again, thanks for the criticism and always appreciated. =]
 

Key Wielder

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

Great first chapter, and Merlin is just as great as everyone else in terms of being well-written.

Seraph said:
Gosh, guys! I think his voice sounds like Merlin's! Enthusiastically, but rather late, Goofy said, as if he had figured one of Nomura's vague and subtle hints.
Oh, Merlin. Sora said, in a cheesy, 80s show sort of way.
For me, moments like these make the story at this point. These little easter eggs make it much more fun and break the fourth wall in a clever way that doesn't actually disturb the narrative. I love these moments. :3

Now, for the criticism since you like it so much: it might help to put a little more exposition in to let us know what they're doing. There's a sentence here and there that sets the scene a bit, but it's mostly just dialogue. Some of the nuances of their movements and actions would be nice to see, although I do like the fast paced way in which it flows now. *hates criticizing, but there you have it* Hope that helps! :)
 

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

Great first chapter, and Merlin is just as great as everyone else in terms of being well-written.
Kinda of funny, since Merlin characterizations is the least I remember, lol.

For me, moments like these make the story at this point. These little easter eggs make it much more fun and break the fourth wall in a clever way that doesn't actually disturb the narrative. I love these moments. :3
LOL Yeah, good to know they fit. x3

Now, for the criticism since you like it so much: it might help to put a little more exposition in to let us know what they're doing. There's a sentence here and there that sets the scene a bit, but it's mostly just dialogue. Some of the nuances of their movements and actions would be nice to see, although I do like the fast paced way in which it flows now. *hates criticizing, but there you have it* Hope that helps! :)
Yeah, I feel as if I'm sometimes being too fast and/or not being very detailed; thanks. =]

/edit

I should be uploading the next chapter in a couple of minutes, hours... Blah. I'll finally give a try to balance dialogue and descriptions.
 
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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

Previous, on THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts:

He grabbed his magical wand and started conjuring a spell. As he did, reality turned into waves that began going up and down, up and down, making our heroes dizzy.

Don't worry, the dizziness is perfectly normal, just don't have last night's Joe come out at me, oh!

I'm sure the least of things we should be thinking about now is food.
Sora said.

Yeah, you ate a couple of hours ago. Donald added.

No, it's because I don't want to puke...

With all that aside, the spell finally worked and the crew arrived to what seems to be, or used to be, a town.

What is this place? Asked Sora.

This... Or rather, was... Sanus Town.
- CHAPTER TWO -

SANUS TOWN

Ruins, darkness, Heartless... These are but the thoughts that our warriors had after seeing the ruins that became Sanus Town. They walked around their surroundings, carefully, seeing as how Soldier Heartless were walking around the town, afar of their location, but their wild instincts could detect movement from a couple of meters away from them. They contemplated how the evil creatures barged into houses, looking for survivals, to quince their thirst for hearts. The town was very silent, you could hear a screw from afar if it had fallen. The place's background music, if anything, was the *clank, clank* of the Soldier's metallic footwear. The atmosphere was tense, even for a potential Keyblade Master like Sora, he was walking with a hunched back, since that was one of the elements of his battle stance, with his hand open, in case an enemy decided to jump right on them. A drop of sweat fell from Sora's left temple.

It's sure hot in here... He said, with a sort of rasping that suggested he was a bit thirsty.

That's strange... Merlin said. I don't remember this place being so hot.

Suddenly, a large group of Red Rhapsodies appeared from the sky. They had a zig-zag formation that assured a hit on their enemies, seeing as how that, even if they'd get "out-of-range" , they'd still be hit. All together, they started charging their fire attack and shoot it towards their enemy, our heroic group. With a 100% assured hit, it surprised the group.

Ouch! Sora grunted. What was... Woah!

Sora rapidly clapped his head, trying to put the fire out.

Donald took note of this and started laughing at him as he pointed his index finger at him. Quahahahahahaha!

Oh my! Merlin had noticed the small ember on the tip of his hat. Blizzard! A blue smoke surrounded him, like always. At the cost of not burning his hat and facial hair into ashes, he, yet again, coughed.

*cough, cough* I need to ask Yen Sid his secret for not coughing on smoke.

Sora busy trying to put his fire off, Donald laughing on him and Merlin coughing so hard someone might think he smoked pot, the only one busy wasn't Goofy. Thankfully, Goofy was wearing his shield on his head, like a sort of cap to protect himself from the sun's rays. Suddenly, his keen dog smelling senses were activated by the smell of... roasted duck?

*sniff, sniff* Gosh, Donald. Don't you smell roasted duck?

Quahahahahahaha! Quahahaha... Oh? It seems Donald listened to Goofy's statement and reacted. *sniff, sniff* It does.

Donald scanned the area, trying to see where it could be coming from. Suddenly, he felt hotter, and hotter by the minute. He looked one last time, this occasion, behind him. To his surprise, his tail was lit on fire.

Quaaaaaaaaa! Startled, he started running around in circles. Sora noticed the poor duck's situation, but instead of helping him, he returned the favor by laughing and pointing at him. With Sora, this time, busy laughing at Donald, the latter running around, and Goofy trying to figure out what to do, it only left our favorite and coughing wizard left on the scene.

Oh my, that must have been one of the longest coughing sessions I've had in all these years, phew. Merlin said, thankful his coughing ended. Deary me, what is this scene why old eyes see? He had noticed how the trios' situation was on the limbo, nothing good happening at all. Was I correct in putting the fate of this world in the hands of two individuals that don't know that two wrongs don't make a right and a sometimes helpful dog that becomes useful after problems are solved? Merlin had entered a sort of situation, waiting for an epiphany. They've saved the worlds from countless menaces, on the other hand... I'll just have to do what I've done before; risk it all... *sigh*

With that said, Merlin reached to his wand, ready to conjure a spell, but... Suddenly, a shadow below the wizard appeared. It got bigger, and bigger, and bigger by the second. When the spellcaster looked up, BAM! He was below something. Suddenly, the atmosphere turned quiet, the fires turning off. Relaxed, our heroes decide to continue their conversation with Merlin.

So Merlin, why are we... here...? WOAH!

Sora had noticed what appeared before them and... Above Merlin. Sora summoned his weapon and readied it; Donald and Goofy followed. They looked from down to up, only to notice that the thing that attacked Merlin was the same entity that ambushed Goofy; PERVIDI NOTE. Trying to compose himself, Merlin grunted as he recalled something.

Ugh, dear me. From coughing to bone-breaking, this has certainly been a pleasant visit to this world. He said. Add the fact that I forgot to get rid of this monstrosity, and I could make a hangover movie.

Welp, tune in next time for another exiting episode of this awesome fan fic, brought to you by; yours truly. ;)

xXx

IN ALL HONESTY, I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN OF THE SQUIRREL HEARTLESS, LOL! At last hour, I decided to add him and finish him once and for all. So yeah, call me Nomura for pulling that. xD So like always...

Thoughts?

/edit

Hope I managed to balance things out this time. I feel as if this chapter was juicy in details.
 

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Re: THEATRHYTHM: Kingdom Hearts [CHAPTER ONE UP!]

I just took a look at the introduction.

Our heroic trio, Sora, Donald, and Goofy, bored from doing nothing at Yen Sid's tower, decide to go for a small trip throughout the universe to rid their boredom.
1) You typically enclose lists with semicolons.

"Our heroic trio; Sora, Donald, and Goofy; bored..."

2) The standard preposition following "bored" is "with." Now, you will see "bored of" as well, but that's no more correct than "bored from."

3) The verb "rid" acts upon the noun that is having something removed, not the thing to be removed itself. So, you "rid this of that," not "rid that."

4) Speaking of that last line, it's redundant. You already implied that the reason behind their action was that they were bored, so saying it again is padding at the least, though I imagine some editors would count that as insulting/not trusting the readers' intelligence.

Hey... Sora blurts. What's that? He used his right index finger to point at a bottle-shaped object approaching their Gummi Ship.
1) My feelings on dialog tags aside, when I see the word "blurts," I think of quick delivery and a definite stop, not a voice trailing off. So I would nix the ellipsis.

2) Given that the object is revealed to be an actual bottle shortly, I think it would flow better if you get rid of the "bottle-shaped" descriptor.

It has some paper in it, like a letter.
I could accept "maybe a letter," but "like a letter" sounds off. I don't see how a piece of paper in a bottle could visually look like a letter.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go get it! Enthusiastic and curious, Sora suggested to do what would ease what scratches his curiosity.
1) Same redundancy issue as before.

2) The phrases "scratches his curiosity" doesn't sound natural at all. It sounds like your trying to hard to make your writing fancy.

With that said, Goofy grabbed an empty fishbowl and put it on his head. He approached the backside of the ship and pressed a button that read OPEN. It opened the hatch and he jumped out of the ship, moving as if he were swimming to try and get the bottle. While avoiding small meteorites that could crack his "helmet" in two, he managed to get a hold of the desired item. He "swam" back to the ship and gave the bottle to Sora. Without hesitation, he opened the bottle, seeing as how he was the most curious to know what was inside of it.
One thing that you need to do as a writer is to learn how to respect your readers' intelligence. You don't need to label an "OPEN" button, only to immediately tell us that it "opened" the hatch. Also, we remember that Sora was most interested in the bottle. The extra reminder isn't necessary.

Let see... It says... Merlin?
While I really don't like this method of quoting, this is the first time there's been an issue because of it. You're quoting the letter inside the quote, and you need to indicate that visually, just like you need to visually indicate dialog.

Let me see that. Like always, Donald forcefully got an item from someone's hand, this time, Sora was the victim.
1) I'd color that verb "got." Use something like "took" or "stole."

2) You should put a period after "hand," and capitalize "this," because that's a pretty bad comma splice.

With their childish bickering aside, Donald began reading what seemed like a letter out loud.
1) Remove the "with." It doesn't belong in that clause.

2) "Seemed like a letter"? I thought it was established that it was a letter.

A most dreadful villain you know has disrupted the peace in one of the worlds that inhabits this ever-so-varied universe we live in. Since we need your help immediately, I will disclose a spell that will direct your ship to my location in a matter of seconds.
1) That first sentence isn't organized very well. It's not technically incorrect, but a structure that utilizes commas to segment the information would be preferred.

2) In the second, you should say "have disclosed."

All this transpired in a matter of seconds, almost a minute.
The number of seconds in "a matter of seconds" shouldn't get that close to a minute.

Gosh, guys! I think I've figured out! This shaking was the spell Merlin put in the letter, so we should arrive to the world in a couple of-
Perhaps I'm overestimating he intelligence of KH's characters, but I'd think they would have realized it as soon as it began.

They arrived to a forest-like area, since everything looked so weird, they doubted the type of environment they were in.
1) "Arrived at."

2) Put a "but" before "since."

Heartless? Goofy said.
I get the joke that you're going for, but the problem is that he's making an declarative statement, not an interrogative one.

Forget about the sign and come here and help us! Said Donald, but angered.
I don't understand why the "but" is there.

Now for a few general notes:

1) Don't try and write the story like it's a video game. The two are very different mediums. As such, don't create lines for characters when they aren't called for just so you can include them (such as when you had each character say a line during the battle).

2) Better descriptions, definitely.

3) The dialog is a bit stiff. Try making it flow a bit more.

Hope this helped.
 

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Chapter two is great! There are a few typos around, like "quince" instead of "quench," and some of the grammar is a bit rough. (I won't point it out; I think Nyangoro was very thorough.) The extra detail really helps a lot, and you write physical comedy very well. :)

(Short review is short, but I don't have much to say. xD )
 

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Thanks for both your criticisms; short and long reviews are great, seeing as how you need to view things from different perspectives. And yes, I'll try to make my grammar better and better by chapter and finally make some well written English text. :X
 
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