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The Tale of Wolf



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cloudwolf124

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Okay this is a different version of a short story i did for English class last year i am running off alot of what i remember so here its is. Critiquing is appreciated.


I watched as the dark storm clouds loomed over the valley. The village seemed to welcome the darkness that was so close to surrounding them in shadow. I was the only one to show signs of uneasiness for the foreshadowing of dark things to come. People sit safely in their homes waiting for the darkness to pass, but how safe are they. The dark flows into me bringing back painful memories,of broken friendship, lost love, and tragic death. My name is Wolf and this is my tale.
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Chapter 1: The beginning

The sky burned a bright orange in the early morning sun as birds flew through the air landing in trees and singing their songs. Children ran and played in the streets while others went to the market to work. Parents were off at war or at home cleaning and preparing for the town festival. Three children around the age of fourteen walked through the park on their way to the temple to train. They each wore the traditional village attire for training a chain mail vest and protective leather.

"So Rei are we going to spar again so you can lose?" One boy asked the tallest of the three.

"Right so you can show off for Kari eh Wolf." Rei replied as Wolf's face turned red.

"You guys do realize I am right here right?" Kari said looking up at both Wolf and Rei.
In terms of height Kari stood shorter than both Rei and Wolf she wore her brown hair in a small pony tail during training.

"Yes but we can still talk about you" Rei said laughing as his black hair which hangs just below the back of his neck ruffled in the wind.

Rei laughed until they reached the temple where the grand master Kor waited. He watched Rei laughing, turned to Wolf who just started putting his helmet on over his short blonde hair. Kor watched Kari position her self in front of him and bow. Rei stopped laughing when he saw the look of seriousness on Kor's face.

"Sorry for my outburst master" Rei apologized bowing to Kor

"Sorry...Sorry does not excuse your tardiness and lack of uniform." Kor said sternly "Where is your helmet a warrior stands no chance in war without his helmet."

"Sorry master it seems I have left it at home." Rei said looking up at his master.

Kor looked down at Rei and grunted. Everyone stood and listened to master Kor for further instruction.

"My faithful students" Kor said as they walked inside "Today is the final lesson of your training after this there is nothing more I can teach you. Are you ready?"

"Yes master." The three replied as Kor walked into the center of the sparring ring.

"For your final test you must battle me." Kor told them as he pulled a sword down from the wall.
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Thanks for reading more chapters to come i hope.
 
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Lancelot

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For a beginning... it really has very little to it. You've missed a lot of major grammar points, namely that of commas. Youve put some full stops in the wrong places also, and some places really could have used semi-colons. But grammar aside, it's not all that bad, but it really needs a following chapter to give more insight into the story
 

cloudwolf124

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thanks i shall work on the problems addressed and the next chapter will be up soon...i hope.
 

IveBeenHere

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its good that you have creative ideas, but this style of writing is not really going to make your piece flow well.

Try to think of a more condensed version, leaving out some of the quotes and adding things on more of a personal level.

But thats just what I think :D
 

cloudwolf124

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Chapter 2: Shame

"For the final test you must battle me." Kor told them pulling a sword from the wall.

"But master." Wolf said "This doesn't seem like a proper test."

Kor looked to Wolf his eyes narrowed. "So you question your teacher?"

"No master." Wolf bowed to Kor as Rei moved onto the arena floor pulling his weapon of choice the longsword down from the wall. Rei began an assault of blows against Kor who blocked everyone. Rei moved fast but Kor moved faster strike after strike, blow after blow the slamming of metal rang out through the temple. Rei moved in for the final blow as Kor's defense fell Rei's sword moved through the air stopping just above his head.

"Excellent work young one. You have become a master swordsmen." Kor said as he moved the sword so he could stand up. "Kari your turn show me what you have learned."

Kari moved onto the arena with her weapon of choice the Katana. The battle began with a fierce series of attacks from Kor in an effort to knock Kari off balance. She was ready she dodged the attacks and went on the offensive with strikes from every direction. Kor blocked attack after attack but was unaware of the final strike to his legs knocking him to the floor.

"Good job Kari you used my defense against me." Kor said "Knowing i would be more worried about my upper body you attacked my legs excellent."

Kari walked back to the stands smiling at Wolf as he walked to the arena with his weapon of choice the spear.

"The spear a good long range weapon, but how will it favor in close range." Kor said looking at Wolf.

Wolf nodded and bowed to his master before he could get up Kor put all his might into a blow using the hilt of sword throwing Wolf to the ground.

"The test is over." Kor said to his students "Those who didn't pass will be here tomorrow morning for training."

Wolf got from the floor as Rei and Kari walked outside of the temple. Wolf walked to Kor as he was cleaning up the weapons left in the arena.

"What the hell was that?" Wolf yelled "You cheated me dammit."

Kor turned to Wolf looking him in his red eyes. Wolf's breathing became heavier as his words went unheeded.

"You shamed me." Wolf said walking to his weapon which still laid on the floor "You took away my honor. Now i will take your life."

Wolf picked his spear up off the floor. He turned to his mentor and charged him with his spear ready to attack. Wolf jumped, his spear over his head bringing it down to kill his his mentor.
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Second chapter finished is it better, worse, or did i make the same mistakes. Your advice is appreciated.
 
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