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Fanfiction ► the story of the wise girls.



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Axel's girl1312

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There once were five sister, with the last name of Wise.They lived at a secret place not far from the sea. And three of the sisters were from the darkness. They came out when the one who took them to safety told them,"I can take you with me and I will keep you safe from the ones who wish to hurt you". And they left the darkness to go with this man and be safe. The other three sister's are not from the darkness. but from the light. One of them is much more diffrent from them. Even more differnt from the three from the darkness.For she is half dog demon.And she does not feal like she belongs to this family. Even though this family is as about as unique as it get's.The other two sister's are diffrent but the oldest is a bit more normal.And the youngest has a Robot arm becoause she lost her left arm in a lab acident. And by now you proble want to know what there names are. Well my name is Sariah Wise. I'm the oldest sister at Twenty. Then there is Kediala and Pearl. There nineteen and two of three from the darkness and there twins. And then KiKiala. she is eightteen and the dog demon.Then Nexie she is seventeen and the last of the three from the darkness. And then the youngset, Elizabeth. She is sixteen.And one more thing,Elizabeth has somesort magic in her that only her and I know about.And she just hardly know's About it becoause she heared me talking to our dad about it. She wasint supposed to know untill she was sixteen. But she likes to listen to other people talking when she's not aloud to. But what else would you expect from a teenage girl.
 
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Evello

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You've got some major grammar problems is this paragraph (chapter?). First of all, the very first letter of this thing isn't capitalized. Every sentence should begin with a capital letter. And what is up with all the quotation marks? Quotation marks are used for dialogue, and I'm pretty sure every sentence in you paragraph isn't dialogue. The paragraph is told from the first person point of view, so the narrator isn't considered to be talking. And even if the narrator was talking, you should use one quotation at the beginning of the dialogue, and one at the end, not one every time you start a new sentence (and sometimes you put more than one per sentence!).

Also, storywise, I would not suggest beginning with a giant info-dump, which is what that paragraph essentially is. Try to tell information like this to the reader slowly and through things like dialogue in the story, or references to the past, not in one giant paragraph. It's hard to read and understand it in one giant chunk like that.

Plus, there are a ton of typos (I've spotted one in just about every sentence). I would suggest proofreading a few more times, and asking other people to proofread for you too. Here's just a couple of the ones I spotted:

And they left the darkness to go with this man and be safe".
"I can take you with me and I will keep you safe from the one_s who wish to hurt you".
"they lived at a secret place not far from the sea".
"And three of the sister_s were from the darkness".

By the way, is this a KH fanfic, or something else? Because the whole dog-demon thing doesn't sound like KH to me... Anyway, it needs some work.
 

Christian1361

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This little excerpt needs a lot of work. Really take into account what Ragnell 37 said to you. It's interesting, the story itself but you have a lot of grammar problems and he's right when he says that the only time you use quotations is when someone is talking.

And it was really hard for me to follow the story so I would pace myself also as Ragnell 37 said and release information through dialogue, character actions and the like. Spread it out.

If you feel you have nothing to write about then, take one sentence and expand on that, describe the "secret place" or describe what your characters look like. Personally, I'd love to see what the half dog demon sister looked like.

Lots of description would be really helpful in your story, I think.
 

Axel's girl1312

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You've got some major grammar problems is this paragraph (chapter?). First of all, the very first letter of this thing isn't capitalized. Every sentence should begin with a capital letter. And what is up with all the quotation marks? Quotation marks are used for dialogue, and I'm pretty sure every sentence in you paragraph isn't dialogue. The paragraph is told from the first person point of view, so the narrator isn't considered to be talking. And even if the narrator was talking, you should use one quotation at the beginning of the dialogue, and one at the end, not one every time you start a new sentence (and sometimes you put more than one per sentence!).

Also, storywise, I would not suggest beginning with a giant info-dump, which is what that paragraph essentially is. Try to tell information like this to the reader slowly and through things like dialogue in the story, or references to the past, not in one giant paragraph. It's hard to read and understand it in one giant chunk like that.

Plus, there are a ton of typos (I've spotted one in just about every sentence). I would suggest proofreading a few more times, and asking other people to proofread for you too. Here's just a couple of the ones I spotted:






By the way, is this a KH fanfic, or something else? Because the whole dog-demon thing doesn't sound like KH to me... Anyway, it needs some work.
Ya it's a KH fanfic and I've been wrighting it for three years and I'm stuck. but the Dog Demon thing is from Inuyasha. It's my oldest sisters fult.
 

Axel's girl1312

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This little excerpt needs a lot of work. Really take into account what Ragnell 37 said to you. It's interesting, the story itself but you have a lot of grammar problems and he's right when he says that the only time you use quotations is when someone is talking.

And it was really hard for me to follow the story so I would pace myself also as Ragnell 37 said and release information through dialogue, character actions and the like. Spread it out.

If you feel you have nothing to write about then, take one sentence and expand on that, describe the "secret place" or describe what your characters look like. Personally, I'd love to see what the half dog demon sister looked like.

Lots of description would be really helpful in your story, I think.
I have pictures of the people from my story and I'm going to put them on my pages album if you want to look.
 

Christian1361

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You've been working on this story for three years??? Geez, you're just like me......my other fanfics were started almost two years ago and I haven't written in them for that long....I should really start on those, huh..... :)
 
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