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Help/Support ► The right to know.



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Azurith

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The right to know..

It's the right to know who we are at critical times in our lives that depict what we see as the image of ourselves. When you grow up being a foster child/adoptee you don't get to see that image. You have no idea of where you started in life. Knowing that somewhere there is someone that probably went through similar things as you.. that may also be of some relation towards you is one of the most confusing parts of an adoptee's life. Not knowing if the person next to them on the elevator in a skyscraper may or may not be related to them. It takes a toll after some time. Its the constant fear of not knowing that makes many of us feel uneasy.

When I was a little boy, I would hangout with my friends at recess.. One day, my best friend asked a question I could not answer. I had always known that I was a foster child. My foster parents and foster siblings never hid this fact from my brothers nor me. I never really understood what it meant to be a foster child. The question that my friend had asked me was simply: why I had a different last name than my foster parents. I knew instantly that it set me apart from my peers. All of my friends and both of my best friends (yes, I had two. xD) had the same names as their parents.. Which left me completely and utterly alone.

I knew at that point that my brothers, who had the same last name as me, and I were the
only ones that count even remotely relate to how I felt. I never really thought that much about my brothers. Its one of those things where you just understand. You just know.
When people decide to try and trample of the rights of those that wish to know who they are.. they simply cannot understand what it feels like.

Yes, I am an adoptee.
Do I hide this fact?
No.

But I'd like some opinions about it..

~~Azurith
'Azu Fact':
I have nine biological siblings.
 

Devious

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That's a good question BoF. Opinions about what? I'd love to help provide some opinions, but I need a criterian first.
 

Straw_Hat

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you don't seem to be seeking support, either, if you're just asking for opinions...

and anyway, having not been adopted, cannot understand truely how you feel, but i can say that i have had similar feelings towards people, wondering if in some way, we are related or connected somhow, starting somewhere in history
 

Cid Highwind

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don't feel too bad azurith, i know it must be painful to not know who your true parents are. however, at least you have family to be with, your siblings. they will be there for you and will always be your family. i think that your biological parents probably had you adopted because they wanted you to have a better life than could have been offered (please man, no offense). it probably hurts inside that you wish you knew where you came from, but is your life happy now? there are people in your life that will still love you, biologically or not, and you will not be alone without someone to look after you and help you grow up. i hope this helped and i hope i posted what you were looking for.
 

Azurith

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No, I'm currently writing a more detailed post.

... and I know who my parents are, though I'm not proud of them.
They didn't give us up. We were taken away. They didn't have a choice, because.. well, I'm currently explaining why. You'll understand soon enough.

~~Azurith
 

Azurith

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Ok.. so it's taken me about an hour for it..

Here it goes.


What I’m trying to ask is if adoptees should have a right to know of their past.
I’m wanting an opinion on that.

As it currently stands, in the US, when a child is adopted; that child’s ‘records’ are closed. Closing the records is done, to try to help protect those in the system from being found. However, no one can open that person’s records. Their old self ceases to exist entirely. And in most states, not even the adoptee can have access to their *OWN* records. I know this, because I live in such a state. The ONLY time such access is granted is when ‘probable’ cause shows that it would be beneficial to the child, such as family medical history information is needed, or if the person’s records were closed in a state which allows them to be opened by an adoptee upon becoming an adult.
(Their eighteenth birthday.)


I think you may understand it better, if I explain how it involves me in the first place.

I was born in midsummer of 1986, to a rather ‘large’ family. I am the youngest of ten children. I currently have 8 siblings, 4 sisters and 4 brothers. One of my ‘older’ sisters died when she was six months old, many years before I was born. My family was ‘shameful’ to say the least. My father was an alcoholic; my mother never cared for my siblings or I. She once tried to commit suicide by overdosing medication. My two sisters pretty much raised me, when I was a small child. They were the only ‘mothers’ I’ve ever had. I was about thirteen months old, and stuck a set of keys into a 110-volt electrical socket. Genius, yes I know. I still have scars from the injections. My youngest (older) sister ‘Amy’ wouldn’t leave me alone in the hospital. (My other sister had to watch our brothers at home.)

When I was about three, my two youngest (older) brothers and I were placed into temporary foster care, because of abuse and neglect... my two sisters were both raped. A year later, we were allowed to come back. And the same problem arose again.. My two youngest (older) sisters were asked what they think would be best for us, as my brothers and I were mere children. They thought the best interest for us would be to have us removed from our family permanently.

And so, my family was split in three ways:
My two brothers were placed by themselves into foster care.
My sister ‘Amy’ was placed by herself, and adopted…
(I’ve found her guardians, though they deny me that she even exists. They won’t even give me a number or email, so I could atleast tell her that I love her.)
I was placed with the older of my two sisters into foster care.

I don’t have any memories from when I was little. Perhaps, it is for the best. My memories start when I was between five and six years old. I lived on a small farm with ‘becca’. I remember holding her hand and walking to church. I remember that I always knew where to find her, whenever I needed someone. According to her, I was a pretty bad child, although I was never ‘mean’ towards her. I wanted to kill everyone. (Apparently, anyways.)

One day, I was asked if I would like to go and stay with my brothers. I wanted to at least see them. When my sister came home from school, I wouldn’t be there for her. I think that was probably the hardest day for her. That was to be the only time she ever cried.

From the age of six until now, I have grown up around my two foster brothers. A year later, my sister married her boyfriend. (He remembers me well. -.-)
Their wedding would be the last time I would ever see them for over a decade.

Around the time I was nine, my brothers and I were finally adopted.
When I was about twelve, my father died. My brothers and I weren’t allowed to go to the funeral. Our guardians told us it would be ok, but then ‘accidentally’ (my ass!) got the date wrong… A few weeks later, one of my guardians asked me what I wanted.

My answer was simple: I wanted my sister.
They said they ‘tried’, which I knew was bullshit.
About that time, I no longer wished to live. I had started to contemplate suicide. I hated everyone around me, even my best friends. I was sent to a children’s ward for ‘suicidal and violent’ tendencies. (I was violent towards just about anyone and everyone, especially my brothers.) If you ever think your alone… you really don’t know what it feels like. I was so desolate and alone for many months.

I decided that I would start looking for ‘sis’ on my own, with or without the consent of my brothers and adoptive family… I never gave up. Every night, I thought of her.
Just before I turned eighteen, I found her. It took me a few days to finally get the nerves to call her. I was so nervous. When I finally knew it was her, I remember that I felt so good. After a series of conversations, I learned that one of my nieces (My oldest sister’s daughter.) was going to be married. My brothers and I were invited to the wedding. The night before the wedding, I went with my brother to go and see our family for the first time in my entire life. About midnight, we left and went to our hotel. As we were leaving, my mother came to me and tried to hug me, but I only turned away. She never cared for me before, and I stopped caring about her so long ago.

I was so anxious during the wedding. I knew that I would get to see my sister, later that day for the first time in twelve years. (To the exact day!) During the wedding, a couple with two girls entered and sat on the other side of the church. I instantly knew them. The man was the boyfriend she had when I was a boy.. and she was sitting right there. Less then twenty feet away from me was my long lost sister. The two girls as you may have guessed by now, are my two nieces.

Since that day, I’ve had a good relationship with my sister, who means more to me than anything.

My guardian, however never liked this. (My other guardian passed away just two days before my seventeenth birthday.) He disliked the fact that I loved her more than him.. and eventually he tried to keep me from having any kind of relationship with her. To put things into perspective, he’s always been abusive towards me, while I was growing up. He constantly called me a liar, and other things as well as physically hit me. And I hold none of this against him. However, by trying to keep me from my sister, he made the worst mistake ever. That is why I hate him. That is why I have nothing to do with him.
(On a different note, he once took me to the doctor to try to get me something to ‘like’ him.. I told the doctor that it wouldn’t have mattered, I wouldn’t take anything they gave me. And the doctor wouldn’t allow anything to be prescribed because I didn’t want it.)

Since then, I’ve resented my guardian. I hate him so much. Nobody ever denies me my sister.. ever. Even my brothers know better than this.

I get to see my sister and her family about twice a year now, if I’m lucky enough.
Though for a few days, I feel like I actually belong somewhere. That’s the only thing I have to look forward to each year. I call her whenever I’m either really upset or lonely. And most of the time, I can’t get through. But that’s ok, because I know that she loves me. …I AM her favorite sibling. ^.^


Finally, you may understand my point of view.

The rules passed by the courts are to protect adoptees, however they also hurt people like us. Because of those laws, It took me five years to find my sister, the ONLY person from my family I wanted. Five years of my life wasted. That’s about a fourth of my life so far. I’ll never get those years back. But, I have something so much better. I have her.

What I’m trying to say is that I want to know how others view adoptees.
And everything I have said is true.
As horrid or messed up as it may be, its all true.

...a final thought. Anyone have any ideas about things I can do with 'sis' to possibly make up all the time I've lost? Understand that we are both pretty much 'grown up' now.

I hope that this is clearer.

~~Azurith
(PS> Don't even ask if my sister is hot.. -.-)
 

Milky

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Ok.. so it's taken me about an hour for it..

Here it goes.


What I’m trying to ask is if adoptees should have a right to know of their past.
I’m wanting an opinion on that.

As it currently stands, in the US, when a child is adopted; that child’s ‘records’ are closed. Closing the records is done, to try to help protect those in the system from being found. However, no one can open that person’s records. Their old self ceases to exist entirely. And in most states, not even the adoptee can have access to their *OWN* records. I know this, because I live in such a state. The ONLY time such access is granted is when ‘probable’ cause shows that it would be beneficial to the child, such as family medical history information is needed, or if the person’s records were closed in a state which allows them to be opened by an adoptee upon becoming an adult.
(Their eighteenth birthday.)


I think you may understand it better, if I explain how it involves me in the first place.

I was born in midsummer of 1986, to a rather ‘large’ family. I am the youngest of ten children. I currently have 8 siblings, 4 sisters and 4 brothers. One of my ‘older’ sisters died when she was six months old, many years before I was born. My family was ‘shameful’ to say the least. My father was an alcoholic; my mother never cared for my siblings or I. She once tried to commit suicide by overdosing medication. My two sisters pretty much raised me, when I was a small child. They were the only ‘mothers’ I’ve ever had. I was about thirteen months old, and stuck a set of keys into a 110-volt electrical socket. Genius, yes I know. I still have scars from the injections. My youngest (older) sister ‘Amy’ wouldn’t leave me alone in the hospital. (My other sister had to watch our brothers at home.)

When I was about three, my two youngest (older) brothers and I were placed into temporary foster care, because of abuse and neglect... my two sisters were both raped. A year later, we were allowed to come back. And the same problem arose again.. My two youngest (older) sisters were asked what they think would be best for us, as my brothers and I were mere children. They thought the best interest for us would be to have us removed from our family permanently.

And so, my family was split in three ways:
My two brothers were placed by themselves into foster care.
My sister ‘Amy’ was placed by herself, and adopted…
(I’ve found her guardians, though they deny me that she even exists. They won’t even give me a number or email, so I could atleast tell her that I love her.)
I was placed with the older of my two sisters into foster care.

I don’t have any memories from when I was little. Perhaps, it is for the best. My memories start when I was between five and six years old. I lived on a small farm with ‘becca’. I remember holding her hand and walking to church. I remember that I always knew where to find her, whenever I needed someone. According to her, I was a pretty bad child, although I was never ‘mean’ towards her. I wanted to kill everyone. (Apparently, anyways.)

One day, I was asked if I would like to go and stay with my brothers. I wanted to at least see them. When my sister came home from school, I wouldn’t be there for her. I think that was probably the hardest day for her. That was to be the only time she ever cried.

From the age of six until now, I have grown up around my two foster brothers. A year later, my sister married her boyfriend. (He remembers me well. -.-)
Their wedding would be the last time I would ever see them for over a decade.

Around the time I was nine, my brothers and I were finally adopted.
When I was about twelve, my father died. My brothers and I weren’t allowed to go to the funeral. Our guardians told us it would be ok, but then ‘accidentally’ (my ass!) got the date wrong… A few weeks later, one of my guardians asked me what I wanted.

My answer was simple: I wanted my sister.
They said they ‘tried’, which I knew was bullshit.
About that time, I no longer wished to live. I had started to contemplate suicide. I hated everyone around me, even my best friends. I was sent to a children’s ward for ‘suicidal and violent’ tendencies. (I was violent towards just about anyone and everyone, especially my brothers.) If you ever think your alone… you really don’t know what it feels like. I was so desolate and alone for many months.

I decided that I would start looking for ‘sis’ on my own, with or without the consent of my brothers and adoptive family… I never gave up. Every night, I thought of her.
Just before I turned eighteen, I found her. It took me a few days to finally get the nerves to call her. I was so nervous. When I finally knew it was her, I remember that I felt so good. After a series of conversations, I learned that one of my nieces (My oldest sister’s daughter.) was going to be married. My brothers and I were invited to the wedding. The night before the wedding, I went with my brother to go and see our family for the first time in my entire life. About midnight, we left and went to our hotel. As we were leaving, my mother came to me and tried to hug me, but I only turned away. She never cared for me before, and I stopped caring about her so long ago.

I was so anxious during the wedding. I knew that I would get to see my sister, later that day for the first time in twelve years. (To the exact day!) During the wedding, a couple with two girls entered and sat on the other side of the church. I instantly knew them. The man was the boyfriend she had when I was a boy.. and she was sitting right there. Less then twenty feet away from me was my long lost sister. The two girls as you may have guessed by now, are my two nieces.

Since that day, I’ve had a good relationship with my sister, who means more to me than anything.

My guardian, however never liked this. (My other guardian passed away just two days before my seventeenth birthday.) He disliked the fact that I loved her more than him.. and eventually he tried to keep me from having any kind of relationship with her. To put things into perspective, he’s always been abusive towards me, while I was growing up. He constantly called me a liar, and other things as well as physically hit me. And I hold none of this against him. However, by trying to keep me from my sister, he made the worst mistake ever. That is why I hate him. That is why I have nothing to do with him.
(On a different note, he once took me to the doctor to try to get me something to ‘like’ him.. I told the doctor that it wouldn’t have mattered, I wouldn’t take anything they gave me. And the doctor wouldn’t allow anything to be prescribed because I didn’t want it.)

Since then, I’ve resented my guardian. I hate him so much. Nobody ever denies me my sister.. ever. Even my brothers know better than this.

I get to see my sister and her family about twice a year now, if I’m lucky enough.
Though for a few days, I feel like I actually belong somewhere. That’s the only thing I have to look forward to each year. I call her whenever I’m either really upset or lonely. And most of the time, I can’t get through. But that’s ok, because I know that she loves me. …I AM her favorite sibling. ^.^


Finally, you may understand my point of view.

The rules passed by the courts are to protect adoptees, however they also hurt people like us. Because of those laws, It took me five years to find my sister, the ONLY person from my family I wanted. Five years of my life wasted. That’s about a fourth of my life so far. I’ll never get those years back. But, I have something so much better. I have her.

What I’m trying to say is that I want to know how others view adoptees.
And everything I have said is true.
As horrid or messed up as it may be, its all true.

...a final thought. Anyone have any ideas about things I can do with 'sis' to possibly make up all the time I've lost? Understand that we are both pretty much 'grown up' now.

I hope that this is clearer.

~~Azurith
(PS> Don't even ask if my sister is hot.. -.-)


You are a freakin inspiration .
 

Souretsu Gear

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I agree with milkman. That was a very inspiring story. Your an inspiration! I really was about to cry in the middle.
 

Devious

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That's a sad story...

My friend (his name is Mike like mine) and he is also adopted, along with his other 2 siblings (he might have 1 or two more adopted siblings, not sure). He only knew that he had a brother when he was told that said brother was killed in Iraq. He never knew his true family, he never knew his brother was in Iraq, and they expect him to cope with the fact that he is dead. The Government should allow these 'records' to be viewed by at least the adoptee when they reach the age of 13.

Though, it is unbearably sad, what you've had to go through. I'm sorry you've been through so much in your life. But by this, you've gained so much. You have gained such a strength, despite the sorrow. I'm not an adoptee... So I should shut up now because I have no idea how your mind works or what you've actually gone through mentally.
 

Katattack

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Recounting my exploits as an Anarchist. =D
I don't have the same last name as the parents I live with. Of course, mine is just because my mother went back to her maiden name when she divorced my father, didn't change it when she married my stepdad.

My last name is my father's. My story isn't tragic, though, just a hassle to tell....

It's really unfair that they keep those records hidden. Unfair and without any real purpose, it seems to me. I'm glad you have your sister, but it's not cool that it took so long to find her.

Uh... see some movies together, maybe. People of all ages enjoy movies. And just see what she takes interest in and what you have in common with her.
 
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