Help/Support ► The Real Me...

[╬ProperArtist╬]

well i guess you could say i have somewhat of a problem with revealing who i really am to people & on top of that i have a gift, as not only an artist but as a psychologist as well.

In order for one to truly understand this, one must first know a little bit about my past. I of course am the only child of upper middle class family. For 14+ years i've spent my life being the good child, and doing what everyone ask of me, however it wasn't until 15 that i was dealt a hand in which i have been scared from ever since. It was at this age i was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease; however it took about 4 months to the day for anyone to figure out exactly what was wrong with me. Can you imagine for 4 agonizing months suffering the most horrid pain internally that you have ever felt, no one knows what is happening to you, you miss school almost on a weekly basis, your grades begin to fall, and too make matters worse those who you've gone to your whole life up to this point have seemed to turn their backs on you because they know not what is happening, so they try to pretend it's not happening...or in other cases they try to believe it's not as bad as you say.
After this time i began to close myself off within, and let absolutely no one in on what i was going through, because i felt that this disease was both a curse & a punishment for not truly enjoying my life and appreciating it; and due to the fact that when i was at the lowest point in my life thus far, everyone i thought would be there for me seemed to move away.
So from there about 16 i continued being the same way, and because of dealing with such internal torment for so long it began to influence my attitude towards others, that is until i met a girl..i won't get into that story but lets just say i've been through basically all sides of a relationship w/ her within the 1st year alone (trust me on that) Of course this girl showed me that i'm not as horrible as i thought i was on the inside and showed me the light in heart which i originally thought was eclipsed in complete darkness....
Of course this brings up the second half of what i struggle with, through her showing me who i really am, awakened the psycho logic and understanding side of me as well-because i accidentally seemed to unleash her true self and show her that she is beautiful and intelligent, and not to be treated any lower than that. When i help those i don't just tell them things will be okay and send them on their way, I've realized that to truly help someone and to truly release their pain you must not sympathize but instead empathize, and put yourself in that place that they are even if you've never been there, but for some reason you reach deep into those parts of yourself that you promised you'd never return to and in doing so you help them, but you suffer at the same time.
My problem i help those by consuming their pain *emotionally* and take it all in myself, but i have to deal with that pain alone with no help from anyone...this gift this curse, to help people in return for suffering...sure i get thanks and such but that pain is still there lingering, and the problem is i don't know how much longer i can keep this up before that side of me i banished along time ago will resurface yet again and if that happens i jeopardize not only my own well being, but that of those i care for the most..especially that girl...

*by the way i've always been the kinda of person who thinks about others well-beings before my own, and i've actually come to realize that i'd willingly die for those i care for no question, and in knowing that it will probably be the death of me one day*

so i wanna know what should i do???

 

[Devious]

This reminds me of myself... I do this as well... I take in what people suffer from. I am a passive aggressivist so I know not what it will do to me... It's a horrible little habit that I (and apparantly you as well) have developed. I help those by taking in their sorrows and make them feel better, but leave myself to deal with it later on.

The most I can say about it is that you can't let it pent up. You must let them know that the sorrow that you have helped them deal with, is penting up inside of you because you somehow have absorbed it. I know they might call you crazy for saying this, but it's true and it can happen. Just come to know that you are not alone with this "curse" or "gift" whatever you wish to call it. If you need to discuss it more with me. My MSN is styx_drifter@hotmail.com

It's best to at least discuss it and let your issues be known, I do not need to know anything personal, any last names, anything that might make you uncomfortable to disclose. Just let me know if you need help. Let's work it out together since we are both of the same mentality.

 

[Savior of Dawn]

You can't help somebody if you're already suffering yourself. At this point in time, you seem need to spend more time helping yourself, not other people.

You're mimicing the feelings of other people, from what you've described you really aren't 'yourself' yet, if you're so stuck onto other people. Define yourself as an individual.

 

[Devious]

Even though your post was small Savior, your advice is better than you think.

When I started gaining my own individuality (I've brought this up a lot that I am known as "Mike" and that is it) I stopped having such an issue with this. But it still exists though I am not as bothered by it.

 

[╬ProperArtist╬]

No thats not the problem i know who i am...I know what kinda person i am. I've just realized that helping people is apart of my life, it's a way of helping others with their own problems.

I just can't go to anyone else when i'm suffering, because for so long i've had to deal with it alone.

The problems not knowing who i am, trust me i know who i am..theres just 3 different levels of that person..and the 3rd level is the one that i must dive into to help those who need it...

suffering to help those who otherwise wouldn't get help

 

[Savior of Dawn]

Even though your post was small Savior, your advice is better than you think.

When I started gaining my own individuality (I've brought this up a lot that I am known as "Mike" and that is it) I stopped having such an issue with this. But it still exists though I am not as bothered by it.

...Sankyoo?

Nyuh, since I'm posting... Simply relaxing and thinking about your past actions (thoughts) and how people have reacted (Or, if not reaction, simply the actions) and why you did that. It also helps to 'create' different parts of your personality, similar to the cartoon classic of the angel and the devil, only categorized into many different parts of what makes up a person. I think that often helps think about it, it gives both a visual (If you give it a visual basis) and slightly amusing way to think.

 

[Athletics Legend]

your helping other people before you...

Just relax and slowly do everything

 

[╬ProperArtist╬]

I really can't help it, thats what i do...I can't sit there and allow people to suffering, when i know damn well that i can do something to help them...and that even at the cost of my own well-being i can help them.

For too long have i just sat back and allowed people to suffer, no doing anything to help....i can't do that anymore..I've suffered i know what that feels like now, and through knowing such pain i can't allow others to experience such torment...that is unless they deserve it

You know I've actually gotten to the point of believing that i was given such pain because i wasn't appreciating my life and what i had, so as punishment i had my perfect health, the ideals of a child with no concerns; no cares in the world taken away..and i was forced to see what i really am...

and some friends call me Emo, just because I'm sometimes in a bad mood or i don't talk a lot, which in truth is when i suffer with the pain of helping others, by releasing it in short burst upon which time i become sad or angry. I just don't know what to do anymore

 

[quiteMAD]

How long did you think this thread would last without me giving a visit, eh?

Now as for dealing with the pain. Take it stride. Know that it makes you a better person. Know that you have good friends who will help with that pain. I know I have this uncanny ability to just dump anything that comes at me. Problems, pain, sadness. Or maybe I've just got a wall of apathy that blocks it. ><

My point is, stop feeling like you're the only one holding the burdens of others. Not when you've got people like me and your girlfriend at arm's length. No human can get through life on their own. That's a fact.

 

[╬ProperArtist╬]

Eh Ojike(Matt), i know you and Rpgange(Anais)l are gonna be there for me whenever i need it, but somethings just get too much. You know me entirely too well, but your lack of emotion at times just makes me feel weird coming to you about stuff. And i know that Anais is there to help me as well, being that she is an amazing girl and goes beyond what is expect as my gf, i know that Matt. But at the same time, i just don't want to have her help me and me just accidentally snap on her, not because I'm mad at her, but because i can't handle my emotion at the moment. Eh theres really no use in me hiding it from her though because she can feel it when my mood changes -_-'

I just don't know sometimes...it's just i feel that this is something i have to do, it has to be done through me and me alone. I suffered once because, i guess i didn't appreciate what i had, and through that i was given the understanding and means to council people...i can't let that go to waste, knowing that there are people out there suffering in pain..i can't just sit there and let that happen. No matter what happens to me in the process.....

 

[pk para]

I want to say something: YOU WEREN'T 'PUNISHED' BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF APPRECIATION!!! (sorry for caps). You were unfortunate, and that's it. You think that you need to take in all of that emotion and keep it to yourself, when in reality you are the one that needs the help. Share your suffering with others; they can respond to those emotions better than most (the wall of apathy being an example, they don't need to supress it).

How can you keep all of your feigned emotions trapped inside of yourself and not let them go? You need to learn to let go.

I also have the urge to help others, and would willingly suffer in their place, but I somehow manage to do so without making myself an emotional wreck.


I might have misunderstood, I might be wrong, but I hope that I have somehow managed to help you in some way.

(p.s. lighten up ^^. Your friends are there for a reason. You may snap while venting or w/e, but they won't run away because of it. But then again, I think I have a wall of apathy and am always a bit too happy. Not to say that I don't experiance emotion, I just might not be able to put myself in your place so well.)

 

[Davy Jones]

You need to calm down and realize that you are not in anyway cursed. If you were, you would hurt everything at all, and then you wouldn't be able to help them at all. It is clear that you have to give yourself some better appreciation for yourself. The world is home to around 6 billion people: there is no possible way that you can't share your pain with someone. Chances are, you can tell those around you. On the disease note: They didn't shun you when your in pain. Human kind is often repelled from things they can't explain.

You have to realize that you cannot be Atlas. You can't hold the world on your shoulders.

Let go of all the thoughts you have of being cursed and oppressed and unworthy. You are blessed to be alive, however tortured you believe you are. There is no reason you should be sad about helping your friends, just don't take their pain as your own. Its your life, your story- write it as you see fit.

 

[Joy]

I went through the exact same thing as you. It's kind of weird, actually.

What I did, is I took a break. Now, I love helping people. It makes me feel better when I do it, so it was hard to do. But everyone needs a break once in a while. You need to let everything go, you need to Break Away so to speak. Just forget about it, and don't care. After a while you'll be ready to help people once again.

 

[.:EngetsuDrake:.]

Hehe, sounds a bit familliar but I´m a bit inverted.
First I´ll explain me a bit, shortly.
For the last 2-3 yers I´ve suffers strong migrane attacks and nowadays I have constanly a small migrane. It really dosen´t matter exep I want to tell you that it´s actually wors knowing what that is torturing you and knowing nothing helps really. Unknowing is a gift. Personally I belive I´m going to be a psycho in 4-20 years. The two strongest migrane attacks I´ve had temporary paralyzed my body and even using my eyes hurted so much I didn´t want to open them.
That aside I´m great analysing ppl and "leeching" their emotions. Or copying it, I can also manipulate my own emotions greatly. It seems I have multipersonalitys that are half asleep and I´m in top ten hated guys in shool for have done nothing. Ppl has also been teasing me in now eight years.

Ok, so to help one you need to have ones trust, no?

Ok, now to try to help. I don´t know how you can manipulate yourself but I think this shuld work. Go somewhre you feel good alone and try to break yourself on pices and puzzle up yourself again. And in your mind the catgorise yourself how you want. I can´t explain it totally but I´ve done it myself some times.
To get one thing straight, you shudun´t do anything agains your will, if heping ppl makes you feel good then you shud do it, I´m not helping you to quit but to understand yourself better.
And I hope you understad me to when I say these things...

Try this first, then we´ll see after that...this wuld be so much easier in person.