Fanfiction ► The Organization Reborn

[kingdomkey01]

This is my first fan-fic, so I'm going to post the intro and wait for feedback before I post Chapter 1.

Intro:
Erik woke up. He was having a dream that felt so real that reality seemed fake. He was in a dark room standing on a bizarre stained glass floor that dipicted godlike beings, many in black cloaks. Suddenly, a bunch of dark, bug-like creatures appeared and he was holding a sword that looked strangly like a large key. The creatures attacked him and suddenly knowing how to fight with the key-sword thing, went crazy on them and defeated them easily.

He got out of bed and got dressed, he was skinny and a little tall, with dark brown hair and green eyes. He walked into the den and saw his brother, Jason sitting on the couch, reading.

"That's odd," Erik mumbled to himself, "Jason never reads. He sat down next to his brother. "Whatcha reading?"

Jason showed him the front of the book; it looked old and was titled, "THE BOY THAT OPENED THE DOOR."

"What's it about?" Erik hated it when Jason wouldn't give him a complete answer.

"Some kid named Sora saved the world with a sword called the keyblade and stuff."answered Jason.

"Discriptive, can I see it?" Jason handed Erik the book and went into the kitchen. Erik took the book into his room and read it. It showed a picture of the key thing from his dream, the keyblade. Supposedly in an alternate reality, some Sora kid used it to save the world many times and all the trouble came from some guy named Xehanort. In order to finally save the world, Sora went back in time fifty year to defeat Xehanort once and for all and prevent the Heartless, creatures born from darkness, from being created. The Heartless were the dark creatures in the dream. The book mentioned many other things, The Princesses of Heart, Keyholes, Nobodies, and the thing that most interested Erik, a group of Nobodies called The Organization XIII.

 

[Xanionot]

Hi Erik, I see you wrote a fanfic finally, starring you! ( Why not me...meh? Oh well, at least I get a supporting role) Now I know that this is a basic rough draft and that you will improve appon this alot, but there is one thing I must remind you of,
BE DESCRIPTIVE. remember after we read The Lady or the Tiger? Be sure to describe all the diffrent elements that come into play here, but don't go over the edge. For example, describe yourself and Jason a litttle better. Add tiny details even if they don't matter much to the overall story. This will make it seem more polished.

But I have to admit one thing, I love your dialoge. The charecters talk as they do in reality. They seem to be alive as they speak. I have attepted to write a few Fanfics, but I could never nail the way the charecters spoke, so they now sit in my hardrive, unfinished, FOREVER... You on the otherhand, know these charecters well (well you should know yourself and your brother well.) And in the story you wrote last year the charicters were the best part, they spoke clearly and easily got their message across. You can stay with a charicter for 10 minutes and learn to "speak" like it, a nice abilitey to have.

Since I know the general plot of the story, I think if done well this could be a good one Erik, so make this one great.

XANIONOT

P.s. Could you somehow work in there a time where I have to do a flip off an elivated surface while using my weapons? I love that stunt.

P.S.S. I have an account, just thought you might want to know.

 

[Genocide]

You're gonna have a nobody named Jason? Let me see his Org. name.

 

[kingdomkey01]

You're gonna have a nobody named Jason? Let me see his Org. name.

What makes you think he'll be a nobody? Ch. 1 coming soon. Please post feedback.

 

[kingdomkey01]

Here's the first chapy.

Chapter 1

At 3:00 in the afternoon, Erik left his house to go show the book to his friends, Tony, James, Ian, and Alison. Jason tagged along.

Erik found everyone at The Caboose, an ice-cream shop inside an old caboose, eating saltwater ice-cream. Erik ordered one for himself and one for his brother. “Now you owe me $36.38, Jason.”

Erik showed the book to his friends and explained what it was about, down to the last details. “and, the weirdest thing was that before I even saw this book or heard the story, I had a dream where I was on this big stained glass floor with pictures of Sora, Donald, Goofy, Kairi, Riku, Mickey, Ansem the Wise, The Princesses of Heart, and The Organization XIII. Then a bunch of Heartless appeared I was holding The Keyblade.”

“You know what’s even weirder,” said Ian, a blonde guy, a little on the hefty side, but with much more muscle than fat, “I had the same dream, only I was holding this weird battle-axe.”

“I had the same dream too!” said Alison, a pretty girl with green eyes, long auburn hair and a fair complexion, “but I had a whip.”

“I had it too!” said Jason as everyone looked around in amazement,
“ but I had dual blades strapped to my arms like in Bloodrayne.”

“Believe it or not, I had the dream to,” said James, a boy light brown hair, brown eyes and a very phlegmatic disposition. “but, I had a bunch of hira shuriken and two curved bo-shuriken*.”

“Guess what?” said Tony, an awkward looking guy with black hair and eyes.

“You had the dream too, but with a different weapon,” said James blandly.

“No! Wait, yes. I had a voulge, it’s a type of polearm.”

“Fascinating,” said James, “I think we should go do some research at the library.”

“I second that proposal,” said Ian.

“All right,” said Alison, “let’s go.”

At the library they split up to research different topics. Jason researched Keyholes, Alison researched the Keyblade, James researched other weapons that choose their wielder, Ian researched Heartless, Tony researched Nobodies, and Erik researched The Organization XIII. After finding much info**, they decided to call it a day. That night they all had the same dreams as the night before, but with Nobodies attacking them instead of Heartless.

Writer’s notes:
* For info on the two types of shuriken, use Wikipedia.
** They learned every thing that you would know from reading the entire Journal in every KH game, and I didn’t want to go into it.

 

[sonjax]

I thought it was ok but I want to see what else happens.

 

[Katattack]

Alright, first of all, you need to space out your paragraphs. Start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks, and after 5-10 sentences.

Also, you need to describe more. I know it can be a pain to go into detail, but it's necessary.

Just keep that in mind, and you'll be a better writer.

 

[kingdomkey01]

Thanx, I preffer criticism over praise, as long as I'm not getting bashed or flamed.

 

[kingdomkey01]

Here's the second chapter. Please give feedback even if it's negative.

Chapter 2

After Erik ate a breakfast of bacon and biscuits, he called James. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” replied James “everybody’s going to the park to hang out. You coming?”

“Yeah,” said Erik, “I’ll be there in a little bit, hopefully Jason won’t tag along this time.” Jason tagged along.

They entered the park from a road that went forward and did a figure-8, to the right of the road were three baseball fields in a line going parallel with the road, the playground was left of the field and past the loop of the road, beyond it was an open field with a trail circling around it. There hadn’t been rain in a few months, so the grass at the park was turning brown and crunched when stepped on. The sky was clear with only two or three wispy clouds in the sky. There was a slight breeze and two children playing tag near the swings. The group was sitting on the stand of the farthest baseball field talking.

“Hey people,” said Erik, “I had to bring the munchkin along.”

“That’s ok, he might actually be important to this conversation. We all had the same dream again,” said Tony gesturing to Alison, Ian, and James, “but with nobodies.”

“So did I!” Erik and Jason said in unison. “You owe me a soda,” said Jason.

“I’ll give you a soda when you give me the $36.38 you owe me,” retorted Erik.

“Now, back to the important stuff,” said James, “why do think we all have these dreams?”

“Well, I know I read that the Keyblade chooses a wielder and then that person has dreams like this, and it would only make since that Erik is a chosen Keyblade wielder,” said Alison, “but as for the rest of us, I think we might be involved with it because we’re having similar dreams.”

“Why would I be a Keyblade wielder? The book said that if Sora completed his mission, there would never be a need for the Keyblade again,” said Erik.

“Well, he obviously never… uh, what’s that?” said Ian pointing toward the seesaws.

There was a dark puddle the size of a frisbee that seemed to be made purely of darkness, slowly growing larger until it was about 6 feet wide, and 10 feet long. Suddenly, around 40 pairs of glowing yellow eyes appeared in the puddle and Shadows began to rise out of it. Erik noticed that he was holding the Keyblade and everyone else was holding the weapons from their dreams. The kids who were playing tag had started swinging but stopped and looked in awe at the Heartless.

Without saying a word, Erik, James, Tony, Alison, Ian and Jason started attacking the Heartless relentlessly. They knew how to use their weapons, just not very well, and the battle looked more like mayhem than combat. Erik was swinging at any Heartless that got to close and trying to dodge attacks as best he could. James was throwing hira shuriken at them and stabbing any that got near. Tony was running around, jabbing at the Shadows like mad. Alison swung her whip towards the creatures relentlessly and accidentally grabbed one with the whip and flung it into another one. Ian was spinning around in circles with the axe outstretched, and nearly hit Tony in the face. Jason was lunging randomly at the Heartless with a flurry of stabbing. As they fought, they moved slowly into the wide-open field, which made it easier to avoid the deadly cyclone that was Ian. In the end the group defeated the Shadows with minimal scratches on themselves but were exhausted.

Still panting, everyone became paralyzed with fear as four large clusters of darkness appeared before them and materialized into Behemoths.

 

[sonjax]

Yay, it's better. Give me more!

 

[Avenger007]

Words of Encouragement from a fellow writer, In a lil bit I'll right a review. BUt thus far, it shows potential.

 

[kingdomkey01]

Trust me I have the outline of the whole story. It has a slow start but it will get more fast-paced.

 

[sonjax]

When is chapter 3 coming out?

 

[super_ninja_star]

great story line so far! just don't forget to put in really good discriptions and details since these make the story easier to imagine. i look forward to reading more! when's the next chapter coming?