Fanfiction ► The New Angel

[Darkness of White]

This is my first fanfic. Its a D.N.Angel fanfic that happens 20 years after the series ends. Please read and enjoy and coment! I would really apprieciate any advice you could offer me.

Prologue

Birth​

After hours of screaming, pain, and waiting, a baby started crying in the room behind where Daisuke was sitting. The doctor that had been with Riku came out of the door.

"Daisuke Niwa, your child is a boy. You may come in now." Daisuke followed him back into the room, where Riku was laying, the baby still crying.

"I can't believe it, i knew it was coming, but i had no idea it would feel like this to be a parent," Daisuke said, holding Riku's hand. "I'm sorry i couldn't be in here, it just made me sick."

"That's ok," Riku said, panting. "At least we are a real family now." She said, smiling. Then the room went quiet, something was wrong. The doctor came back to where they were with a very sad look on his face.

“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Niwa, but your son has just lost his life.” the doctor said, walking towards the couple.

“What? How is that possible? We were sure it was healthy.” Daisuke and Riku had tears in their eyes.

“It had just started to sufficate before birth it seems, we are very sorry for the loss of your first child.” The doctor too, was about to cry.

“Oh no, I am NOT letting this happen to you, not after what I’ve put you through,” said a voice that only Daisuke could hear.

“Dark? Is that you? I thought you were sealed in that art…” Daisuke thought.

“Remember that promise that we made, always a part of each other? That’s what broke it. I’ll see you in a while Dad, but I might not remember much, this is the first time I’ve tried this.”

“Huh, Dad? What are you…” but before he could finish his thought, a purple light engulfed the entire room. When it was gone, the still body of the Niwas’ son started to move and cry out. Its red hair and brown eyes were replaced with a Dark Mousy’s trademark purple. Everyone was stunned for a moment, then Daisuke realized what had happened.

“Thank you Dark, this means the world to us, really,” Daisuke thought, almost crying again.

“Derek, after Dark, his DNA must still be with yours, it’s no surprise that he looks like him.” Riku didn’t know what had happened, but her eyes were filled with tears of joy, so Daisuke couldn’t bear to tell her.

“I guess he was just asleep, I’m glad he survived,” the doctor said, thoroughly confused.

The friend that Daisuke had had since he was 14, who had been sealed away inside the Black Wings several years before was back, and he was now his and Riku’s son.

 

[Nelo Angelo]

Not bad Jen, its got me interested.
Make sure to have longer chapters though, its a good start, keep at it.

 

[Darkness of White]

this wasnt a chapter, it was just how Dark Mousy came back after being sealed, the chapters are longer

 

[Ban Mido]

Oh... uh, oh my. But this is... well, not really the best I've seen from some beginners.

Well Jen, first thing's first. It looks more like a script than an actual story, as it consists of mostly dialog. You need to increase the detail more, which means writing a lot more, detailing settings, actions, emotions, etc. People won't get everything your trying to convey from just dialog.

And you're clumping your lines. It's not a big problem as it is now, but as you add more and more detail to it, if you don't seperate your paragraphs, it will look intimidating and unappealing to the reader. You should be sure to hit the enter key at least twice before you start your next paragraph.


Don't get discouraged or anything. With practice and some dedication, you can make some major progress. Keep trying!:thumbup:

 

[Darkness of White]

well, this is why i wanted to put it here, thanks

 

[Killa DeX]

its good but it could be a little more specfic and can u lets say put a identifer because it was hard to keep track of who was talking for example here is a good identifer
Dereck:
like that but besides that it was good keep em coming

 

[Darkness of White]

that comes after what they are saying usualy

 

[Gildragon]

you need to re work the beginning. everyone would have been able to tell if the baby was BORN still. if it wasn't crying when it came out of the womb the doctor wouldn't have had to tell anyone that is was dead.

 

[Darkness of White]

actualy, my dad was asleep when he was born, so he didnt cry or anything, at least thats what my grandma told me, but thats how i got it, but ill change it, thanks

 

[Gildragon]

^ yeah but in writing you need to be clear. It would be bette if you explained the events during birth

 

[Darkness of White]

i changed it, is it any better? or do i need to put more in? i really apprieciate this advice

 

[Gildragon]

you know. dead is dead. I would just say dead. Remember the parents are there. instead of him informing them have him pronounce the baby dead. The parents would probably be able to tell he was dead. you need to add more before that line

 

[Darkness of White]

ok, i changed it again, is this any better?

 

[Nelo Angelo]

That is much better Jen, it really is. And thanks for spoiling some stuff for me >.<
lol. its ok, gonna watch the rest of that anime.

 

[Gildragon]

good. that's an improvement. Keep working on it

 

[Darkness of White]

Its a D.N.Angel fanfic that happens 20 years after the series ends

you didnt read this did you Nelo? my cousin did, out loud, in my ear

so anything else about the begining that i need to change?
and when should i post the first chapter?

 

[Crimson Homunculus]

awsome fanfic jen ur good^_^and hi

 

[Darkness of White]

thanks guys, here is the first chapter, enjoy!

Chapter 1

New Home​

I was listening to my MP3 player when the plane started descending and the stewardess told us that we were about to land. I gathered my belongings together and got ready to get off. I had never liked heights, and this was my first time flying, so I was feeling pretty sick. I was glad to get out of the sky, really glad. As I got off the plane, I scanned the area looking for a tall man with silver hair down to his jaw and thin framed glasses. When I saw him, I almost cried, besides the photos that he had sent, I had never seen my biological father before. He had always shown care for me, but he had never been able to send for me or come to visit, so I didn’t really know him very well. He was holding a sign that said “Anne Hikari” on it, so I went to him, dodging the other people trying to get to their families.

“Are you the Chief of Police, Satoshi?” I asked cautiously, afraid of embarrassment of going to the wrong person.

“Only if you are the 15 year old daughter who I will allow to have a 16th birthday party named Anne,” he said with a warm smile.

“Oh my God! You serious?!” I was ecstatic with this. “It is nice to finally meet you Dad, I just wish that it could be under better circumstances.”

“I know, me too Anne, I am very sorry about your loss.”

“I will never drink alcohol after that night. Why did my step dad have to be drunk? Its his fault that they are dead.” I felt like crying.

“I know, come on, lets get your things and I’ll take you home. Hopefully you will be settled in enough to start school Monday the 1st . I doubt you’ve missed much, it only started a couple of weeks ago.” My dad put his arm around me in a hug and we started walking toward his car. “Maybe you and Alex will get along well and become friends.”

“Alex? Who’s that?” I asked. “Your wife?” I knew he was married, but I didn’t know much about his wife, so I didn’t expect what he said next.

“No, Alexis died a few years after Alex was born. Alexander is my son, your half brother, he’s 17.”

“Oh…I’m sorry to hear that, but why did I not know about any of this?” I had never been too fond of secrets, but the look in his eyes told me to change the subject. “So umm…anything else I should know?”

“I’m having a few friends over tonight, they are bringing their children, your classmates with them.” He saw a worried look on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t speak Japanese…”

“Is that all? Don’t worry about it, they have all been speaking English since they were kids, they actually taught me the language,” he said smiling. “You look tired, lets get you home.”

“Yeah, ok.”

The ride “home” was silent, I was just too nervous to say anything. My step dad never liked me much, so I didn’t have much experience talking to any father figure. He wasn’t abusive or anything, he just acted like I wasn’t there most of the time. I was also afraid of meeting my dad’s friends, how would they react to me when they saw that his daughter was an American who didn’t know anything about the Japanese culture? How was I supposed to act around them? So many questions were going through my mind that I got a headache.

“Here we are Anne, Alex should be inside making dinner,” he told me.

“Huh, what?” I had been so dazed that I didn’t realize where we were, or what time it was. “Oh, ok.”

“I’ll get your stuff,” he said as he unlocked the trunk. “You just go inside and I’ll…UGH!”

“What? Oh, heh, sorry, I’ll get those.” I walked over and picked up my luggage with ease. My dad was staring at me like I was some kind of mutant. “What? Did I do something wrong?”

“Huh? Oh, no, nothing, I just didn’t realize you were that strong. What’s in those anyway?” He seemed totally confused.

“Clothes, CD’s, books, shoes, and my art stuff, nothing that should be that heavy. It’s not to me anyway, but I did get stuck in a weight training class for a semester, that might have something to do with it.” I said laughing.

“Ok, come on, lets go in.” Right after we walked in the door way, he yelled into what seemed to be the kitchen. “Alex, could you come here please?”

“Coming!” A boy shouted back as he tripped over his own feet in the rush to get to where we were. “What is it Daa…Hey there, you new around here?” He asked in a flirtatious voice. He wasn’t exactly the ugliest person in the world. He had a well shaped, muscular body, short silver hair, and bright, almost glowing blue eyes behind frameless glasses. “I’m Alexander Hikari, but you can call me Alex, everyone else does.”

“Actually I just moved here from America. My name is Anne Hikari, I’m your half sister.” I had to stifle a laugh when I saw the look of utter embarrassment on his face. “Dad just picked me up from the airport. This stuff is getting kind of heavy, where do you want me to put it?”

“Uh…follow me, we have a ton of guest rooms upstairs, you could probably just pick one to be your bedroom, right Dad?” Alex asked, still blushing.

“Yeah Anne, go pick a room, any one you like,” my dad said, smiling again. “But not your brother’s room though, he’d probably toss you out the window if you did.”

“Ha ha Dad, very funny. Come on, it’s not everyday that you get a new sister.” Alex led me to a long hallway with eight doors, four on each side, with a pair of glass doors at the end that led to the balcony. I opened the door closest to the balcony to the left and my eyes widened.

“Oh my God! This room is beautiful!” It was obviously not occupied, but it had been kept clean. The walls were lavender and the ceiling was a lighter version of the walls’ color. There was a wooden desk with a laptop on it, and many, many CD holders. The bed was made of beautifully carved mahogany and it sat against the wall with a table on either side. At the foot was an oak chest with a woven top. Besides the entrance, there were two doors, one was to the walk in closet, the other was to the bathroom, which had a separate bath and shower, perfectly white tile, and a vanity that had enough shelves and mirrors to hold everything that three teenage girls could own, and show it off from all angles. If someone could fall in love with a bedroom, this was the one that would have a fan club.

“Looks like you have found your room then. Want help unpacking?” Alex offered.

“No thanks, I think I can manage it by myself. But I could probably use a map of this house, its huge!” I wasn’t kidding either, the house WAS something I could easily get lost in.

“Alex, Anne, come down here, company is over!” our dad yelled.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Oh my God! Dinner!” Alex ran halfway down the stairs and fell the rest of the way, causing a roar of applause and laughter. I followed, but I walked the whole way.

“Are you ok Alex” I asked, genuinely worried. “That was a bad fall.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I do that all the time, it’s no big deal. And you could have told me that you finished dinner Dad.” Alex got up and brushed himself off. “Don’t worry about me Anne, I’m like rubber, I bounce back quite well.”

“Who’s that Alex, your new girlfriend?” Two twin girls teased simultaneously. “She’s pretty, maybe she’ll be good for you.”

“Pretty? She’s totally hot! Good job Alex!” A boy with purple hair and eyes spoke just then. He wasn’t ugly either. He was tall, half his hair was covering his face and the rest was of random lengths. He was wearing tight, black clothing, his shirt was sleeveless, making it quite obvious that he worked out, a lot.

“Shut up you guys!” Alex had skipped being embarrassed for a second time that day, and had gone straight to being furious. “She’s not my girlfriend, her name is Anne Hikari, my half sister, and ANY ideas about her from you Derek, and I will “fix” you, GOT THAT!?!?”

“Wow Alex, one day and you’ve got older brother down pat, but you don’t have to kill anyone just yet ok? It was just an honest mistake, just calm down please?” I didn’t want anyone hurt on my behalf.

“Yeah geeze Alex, he’s not going to do anything, right Niwa?” Elizabeth and Ashley Harada said simultaneously. For being feternal twins, they sure in each others’ heads a lot.

“I wont do anything, I promise.” Derek Niwa seemed sincere enough, but there was something strange about him, I sensed it, but I didn’t know what it was yet.

“Ok you guys, food’s ready!” Mrs. Niwa called out. We all headed toward the dining room, except for Alex.

“I’ll catch up with you later ok? Don’t wait up.” Alex walked up to his room and shut the door. When he came back down he looked uneasy.

“Something wrong?” I asked him.

“Uh…it’s nothing, I’m fine, really, just ignore me.” He covered his face with his hands. “Just keep calm Alex, just keep calm,” he whispered, thinking that no one could hear him.

“He sure is acting strange, I wonder what’s up…” I thought. “Oh well, maybe he’s always like this, I’ll leave it for now.” At the time, it seemed like the best decision, but it was the worst I could have made.

 

[Crimson Homunculus]

that was great jen^_^ i cant wait for the next chapter keep it up^^

 

[Darkness of White]

not many people seem to be intrested in it...im starting to think it isnt any good...