Small little pieces.

[KingdomKey]

Need a Name

I love the way you described the inside of the cafe with it's customers. Seriously, that had my mouth dropping open, because it was well done. What intrigues me the most is how quickly the conversation changes. Or the fact Stephanie still can't get his name. It feels like there's the potential of something starting between the two, except it feels more like friendship a tiny bit. Or that the guy himself, has a way about him in avoiding questions and creating new ones with that silver tongue of his. Including the fact that he gets the girl to reluctantly agree to his whims. With that said, I'm impressed, because it's not often I come across that type of character in most stories.

Spaghetti

I feel like at the end there it was a metaphor with the spaghetti and alfredo sauce. I really liked how much Gracie was concerned about Sam being late, because it's easy to relate to that in a real life situation or scenario. Of course, Sam leaving the hospital after being banged up from an accident wasn't the wisest thing to do, but it isn't unheard of either. I really felt the genuine concern there, along with fear, because being in an accident can shake anyone up. So seeing Gracie comfort him was heart warming to me.

Red String

Wow, this took my breath away. I actually feel for her and the idea of a red string binding a person together in fate. No break up is easy nor is getting over a person you've created tons of memories with. In the end, it felt kind of hopeful, except it's really not. I know people in real life who actually feel that way, because the concept of a red string attaching you to someone is very real and it isn't easy to cut it apart. So I feel bad for the protagonist in this one. All in all, it feels like you pulled at my own heart strings with this one, Annoyance.

Fleeting Ghosts

I'd like to say we can escape from our ghosts, because as long as you give it power over you, it'll never leave you alone. I suppose that's like fighting your inner demon or ghosts you're running from. I like how you described it within the story, where the protagonist constantly sees the remnants of his ghost; while at the same time, pondering if he sees hers. I can see this being a battle of loss or a breakup though. I suppose it depends on how I'd like to interpret it. Gives my mind a lot to think on, which brings me great joy.

As for your haiku's, I like them a lot. I'm not really sure what to say about them, but some I find either empowering or inspirational too. And it feels like it's based on something real at times, but I might just be reading into it a bit more than usual. Overall, happy to catch up and read everything you've posted, Annoyance.

 

[Annoyance]

Need a Name

I love the way you described the inside of the cafe with it's customers. Seriously, that had my mouth dropping open, because it was well done. What intrigues me the most is how quickly the conversation changes. Or the fact Stephanie still can't get his name. It feels like there's the potential of something starting between the two, except it feels more like friendship a tiny bit. Or that the guy himself, has a way about him in avoiding questions and creating new ones with that silver tongue of his. Including the fact that he gets the girl to reluctantly agree to his whims. With that said, I'm impressed, because it's not often I come across that type of character in most stories.

Spaghetti

I feel like at the end there it was a metaphor with the spaghetti and alfredo sauce. I really liked how much Gracie was concerned about Sam being late, because it's easy to relate to that in a real life situation or scenario. Of course, Sam leaving the hospital after being banged up from an accident wasn't the wisest thing to do, but it isn't unheard of either. I really felt the genuine concern there, along with fear, because being in an accident can shake anyone up. So seeing Gracie comfort him was heart warming to me.

Red String

Wow, this took my breath away. I actually feel for her and the idea of a red string binding a person together in fate. No break up is easy nor is getting over a person you've created tons of memories with. In the end, it felt kind of hopeful, except it's really not. I know people in real life who actually feel that way, because the concept of a red string attaching you to someone is very real and it isn't easy to cut it apart. So I feel bad for the protagonist in this one. All in all, it feels like you pulled at my own heart strings with this one, Annoyance.

Fleeting Ghosts

I'd like to say we can escape from our ghosts, because as long as you give it power over you, it'll never leave you alone. I suppose that's like fighting your inner demon or ghosts you're running from. I like how you described it within the story, where the protagonist constantly sees the remnants of his ghost; while at the same time, pondering if he sees hers. I can see this being a battle of loss or a breakup though. I suppose it depends on how I'd like to interpret it. Gives my mind a lot to think on, which brings me great joy.

As for your haiku's, I like them a lot. I'm not really sure what to say about them, but some I find either empowering or inspirational too. And it feels like it's based on something real at times, but I might just be reading into it a bit more than usual. Overall, happy to catch up and read everything you've posted, Annoyance.

I really did like writing the characters in Need a Name and revisiting them again, I'm honestly considering going somewhere and seeing where it goes but I'm nervous since I haven't written chapters and arcs in so long.


I'm glad you liked Spaghetti. I'm interested what you think the metaphor is? Interesting...

For Red String and Ghosts I opened up a personal vein for. Red String is more made up than the other. I was behind in assignments so I needed something.


Thank you SO much for reading it all! I appreciate it so much. ;o;

 

[Annoyance]

OP post has been updated with some old embarrassing writing from back in the day in high school.

 

[KingdomKey]

Game Over

I'm a bit speechless because, you really captured the essence of this guy going through a hard time. Seriously, it's got to suck having your woman cheat on you and throw your bed out a window apartment like that and more. The cigarette added a really nice touch to the story as well. I know some people smoke to keep warm during the winter, or it's a form of release from the frustration a person is going through. Either way, I loved it. <3 I do wonder if the man in the story would've started over fresh. I do think he'd still have his job, but maybe that's just me being optimistic and wanting more of the story to continue.

Unheard Whispers

I remember looking for Kingdom Hearts fan-fiction to read before I became a forum member on KHI. It was my first time reading about this kind of pairing, because I always thought Sora would end up with Kairi, and Riku would be with Namine. I remember this story quite fondly too, because I loved how supportive Kairi was to Sora about being in love with Riku. Or the love confession between Sora and Riku. I still feel bad for Sora having to deal with both his and Kairi's parents, because that'd be rough for anybody. And you really outdid yourself on the chemistry and character interactions too. <3 Definitely one of my favorite fan-fictions to read on here.

 

[Annoyance]

Game Over

I'm a bit speechless because, you really captured the essence of this guy going through a hard time. Seriously, it's got to suck having your woman cheat on you and throw your bed out a window apartment like that and more. The cigarette added a really nice touch to the story as well. I know some people smoke to keep warm during the winter, or it's a form of release from the frustration a person is going through. Either way, I loved it. <3 I do wonder if the man in the story would've started over fresh. I do think he'd still have his job, but maybe that's just me being optimistic and wanting more of the story to continue.

Unheard Whispers

I remember looking for Kingdom Hearts fan-fiction to read before I became a forum member on KHI. It was my first time reading about this kind of pairing, because I always thought Sora would end up with Kairi, and Riku would be with Namine. I remember this story quite fondly too, because I loved how supportive Kairi was to Sora about being in love with Riku. Or the love confession between Sora and Riku. I still feel bad for Sora having to deal with both his and Kairi's parents, because that'd be rough for anybody. And you really outdid yourself on the chemistry and character interactions too. <3 Definitely one of my favorite fan-fictions to read on here.

Oh my god my heart. Thank you for your kind words. ;A;


And yeah I definitely should have went somewhere a bit more with Game Over. Who knows. :v

 

[Annoyance]

I feel extremely guilty as this summer has swept past me. Dealing with depression and worthlessness you would think I'd have some somber haiku or some sort of reflective pieces or something but I've only written physically 2 or 3 pages in my writing journal never to see the light of day and it's depressing. There's so little time left before the contest is over and I'd like to post, well, something. Hopefully I can manage, and though I know people understand, I do want to apologize for not following through. I think I'm mostly apologizing to myself though so scrap that.

 

[Annoyance]

Found this piece though that I did for the Dearly Beloved. It's essentially a letter I'm not gonna show to my girlfriend but it's fine.

Spoiler Show

Kara,

We’ve known each other for so long, long enough that I barely remember time before knowing you. At least Facebook keeps reminding me every day about it with various memories of us interacting. I always loved how easily you get on people’s nerves, tricking them or teasing, changing this or that on their phones, hiding things. You were our group’s trickster. I don’t think Cullen’s ever going to be able to forget about the elephant penis you put on his phone wallpaper. It seems like a bad thing to like about a person, but you’ve almost make it an art. It’s something to behold. I’m enjoying it more, being with you now, since you’re influencing me to enjoy the same dark humor, have more witty responses that no one asked for. I think that’s why everyone thought we were joking around, like it was some long-con to trick everyone into thinking we were dating.

I didn’t tell many people when I was pinpointing what my crush was. I wanted to take this seriously, considering my circumstances and how easily I tend to mess up, and I didn’t want to have to prove I liked you. I needed my own space to figure it out. There wasn’t any kind of thing that made me just say, Well, yep let’s do this. I like her.

I’ve learned so much about you in the past half year, though. You’re better at answering this-or-that questions rather than a broad what’s-your-favorite question. I’m learning how to care for you on your bad days when you don’t want to say a word. I learned that you’re extremely ticklish and make the cutest noises contrasting the stoic nature you usually have most of the time. You’ve even cared for me on my bad days, trying your damndest to at least wipe the tears away. Through dating you, I’ve also become a trickster of my own, and much more clever in comebacks. It’s been interesting, and I can’t wait to see where this adventure brings us, and I’ll continue taking your hand in mine.


Love,
Your annoyance

And now that that is over, I will compile a list of things you have done at random intervals as I lean in to kiss you:

• Screaming with eyes wide open
• Turning away last minute in various directions
• Short yells
• Making me kiss your tongue
• Dead pan face/Dead fish [no mouth movement]
• Light slap
• Smile and back up with a pat on my shoulder and walking away
• Just walking away
• Reacting to the kiss one second off so it’s still weird
• Over-active/dramatic tongue

 

[Annoyance]

Finished this up just now after cleaning up Kara's thing.

Spoiler Show

The first time I smoked a cigarette, I was in love. Not the warm melting feeling, but the sticky mess that happens when it’s the wrong time, wrong place, and the both of you are horrid for each other. The blackness in my heart stole me many times but I ended that particularly long overnight shift early after dramatically going to the back storage room away from my manager just so I could cry every ounce of my organs and guts out onto the floor while trying to conceal the noises as I wept. I don’t know or remember what particularly happened to make me so violently sad and angry with myself, but that was just how it happens, with anxiety creeping in, joining hands in a merry-go-round with depression, circling you until someone falls down. My body felt like it was rocking, like I was on a boat in the middle of a storm, and the tides were telling me that it was useless. I’ll never be free from this. I just about threw up.

I went to the front after trying my best to make my face not look sunken, red, and soaked. My manager, a lovely middle-eastern woman, with not many more years over myself, had the kindness and warmth of a mother and noticed I was crying right away. I reluctantly forced myself to ask, giving up, just needing something:

“Siddiqua, can you ring me up for some cigarettes.”

I remembered sitting with him in the car that I now own today, bought with the trade of a Playstation 4. But I remember when it was his, all of the memories, strong with happiness and sadness, the feelings you get when you’re talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I used to hate smoking. The way he made me feel, though, when he smoked, was like I was in a high school PSA. He made it seem cool, with his calm expression, the way his long fingers held the cigarette, and I reacted to the sweet smell of the menthol smoke and he told me what kind they were before I even asked.

After some worry and concern from her, she rang me up a pack of green Kool 100s, the same long green pack that he smoked. My logic at this time was that I could smoke one or two and give him the rest and be done with it. I just needed it for now. But my manager still noticed the sadness in my eyes and asked me what was wrong. I was open with her, and told her about Nik, about how he was dating someone else and wouldn’t be interested in me like this anyway, we were best friends and I didn’t want to lose that, either. She understood, and said that she had went through something similar when she was younger, before she married. She told me that I can get through this, and had even met Nik previously from his visits to our store, said that we would most likely end up together. I disagreed at the time but her accuracy has yet to be disproved. I nearly started crying again after explaining it all to someone who genuinely cared.

Siddiqua noticed the expression I was trying my best to hide, though, and said, “Go home and get some rest, Sabrina.” It took a bit of repeating and convincing but it was not forceful. It was only three hours before the end of my shift and I was physically and mentally drained, completely exhausted from my breakdown. It was around 5 A.M. that I set off for the forty minute walk home, but I took it, hoping the walk would also calm my nerves. I got to the end of the parking lot before taking out the first long cigarette and lighting it with the pretty blue lighter I bought with them. I remember the advice I got from a television series on how to smoke, and apparently smoked correctly. I began to calm down as the nicotine mixed within me. With my headphones blasting in my ears sad and angry songs that reminded me of him, songs we even had sung together in his car, I sang my heart out, loudly, as I walked home, not caring if people could see. I needed this; screaming, crying, and singing. My walk had a lighter feeling to it as I sang.

While I still smoke now, and it took a very long time for me to become genuinely addicted, those cigarettes probably saved me, which is an awful thing to say about cigarettes, but it’s how I feel. My feelings for Nik went on for a long time, and we’re still friends, and even eventually got together at one point, but those couple years of longing taught me a lot about myself, about himself, and about us and I am now thankful for all of that time spent, thankful for that pain, and thankful for that pack of cigarettes that saved me and gave me clarity.

 

[KingdomKey]

Kara (Dearly Beloved)

You really know how to speak from the heart, Annoyance. I feel like I'm intruding a little bit on something private because of how personal yet adorable and sweet this is. I like how you list all of the random interval of things she's done right before a kiss because it's really cute and funny too. And there was a sense of maturity in it too; taking your time to figure out what you felt for her before acting on it, cause something like that is important and shows a great deal of growth too as a person. In conclusion, this was a lovely letter for someone you hold dear to your heart.

My First Cigarette

I don't think I could give this one the justice it deserves because it's something real that you went through and experienced. Being able to read something like this is like a journey in itself, getting to see what someone else's life is like, seeing what helps someone endure the hardships they go through, and the strength they need to keep moving forward. It's a beautiful thing. I actually enjoy reading stories like this because it's fascinating and deep. I'm impressed with this one a lot because of how the cigarette plays a role in all of this, including the details that went into it, and the amount of feeling there was too. And one more thing, there's nothing wrong with using a cigarette as a way to keep you going instead of sinking into depression. Everyone has something that keeps them going, you know? In conclusion, it's good you could grow from the things you experienced in this story too. I don't know if this is literally based off your life or not, but I wrote what I thought of it the best I could. (xD Hopefully I didn't offend you any. I took a half hour trying to think up what to say on this one too.)

And it's okay if you couldn't get everything you wanted written out for the contest too. :3 The fact that you wrote these is amazing! So don't be too hard on yourself!

 

[Wire]

Found this piece though that I did for the Dearly Beloved. It's essentially a letter I'm not gonna show to my girlfriend but it's fine.

Spoiler Show

Kara,

We’ve known each other for so long, long enough that I barely remember time before knowing you. At least Facebook keeps reminding me every day about it with various memories of us interacting. I always loved how easily you get on people’s nerves, tricking them or teasing, changing this or that on their phones, hiding things. You were our group’s trickster. I don’t think Cullen’s ever going to be able to forget about the elephant penis you put on his phone wallpaper. It seems like a bad thing to like about a person, but you’ve almost make it an art. It’s something to behold. I’m enjoying it more, being with you now, since you’re influencing me to enjoy the same dark humor, have more witty responses that no one asked for. I think that’s why everyone thought we were joking around, like it was some long-con to trick everyone into thinking we were dating.

I didn’t tell many people when I was pinpointing what my crush was. I wanted to take this seriously, considering my circumstances and how easily I tend to mess up, and I didn’t want to have to prove I liked you. I needed my own space to figure it out. There wasn’t any kind of thing that made me just say, Well, yep let’s do this. I like her.

I’ve learned so much about you in the past half year, though. You’re better at answering this-or-that questions rather than a broad what’s-your-favorite question. I’m learning how to care for you on your bad days when you don’t want to say a word. I learned that you’re extremely ticklish and make the cutest noises contrasting the stoic nature you usually have most of the time. You’ve even cared for me on my bad days, trying your damndest to at least wipe the tears away. Through dating you, I’ve also become a trickster of my own, and much more clever in comebacks. It’s been interesting, and I can’t wait to see where this adventure brings us, and I’ll continue taking your hand in mine.


Love,
Your annoyance

And now that that is over, I will compile a list of things you have done at random intervals as I lean in to kiss you:

• Screaming with eyes wide open
• Turning away last minute in various directions
• Short yells
• Making me kiss your tongue
• Dead pan face/Dead fish [no mouth movement]
• Light slap
• Smile and back up with a pat on my shoulder and walking away
• Just walking away
• Reacting to the kiss one second off so it’s still weird
• Over-active/dramatic tongue

I really enjoyed this one. Love is an interesting feeling. When you truly love someone, not only do you enjoy being with that person, but you look forward to accepting them for who they are, deep inside. I think you want to understand and accept your beloved. I'm sure they want to do the same for you. With some polish, this could be an excellent prose vignette.

 

[Annoyance]

Okay first off thank you two so much omg. You are so kind to me.

Kara (Dearly Beloved)

You really know how to speak from the heart, Annoyance. I feel like I'm intruding a little bit on something private because of how personal yet adorable and sweet this is. I like how you list all of the random interval of things she's done right before a kiss because it's really cute and funny too. And there was a sense of maturity in it too; taking your time to figure out what you felt for her before acting on it, cause something like that is important and shows a great deal of growth too as a person. In conclusion, this was a lovely letter for someone you hold dear to your heart.

My First Cigarette

I don't think I could give this one the justice it deserves because it's something real that you went through and experienced. Being able to read something like this is like a journey in itself, getting to see what someone else's life is like, seeing what helps someone endure the hardships they go through, and the strength they need to keep moving forward. It's a beautiful thing. I actually enjoy reading stories like this because it's fascinating and deep. I'm impressed with this one a lot because of how the cigarette plays a role in all of this, including the details that went into it, and the amount of feeling there was too. And one more thing, there's nothing wrong with using a cigarette as a way to keep you going instead of sinking into depression. Everyone has something that keeps them going, you know? In conclusion, it's good you could grow from the things you experienced in this story too. I don't know if this is literally based off your life or not, but I wrote what I thought of it the best I could. (xD Hopefully I didn't offend you any. I took a half hour trying to think up what to say on this one too.)

And it's okay if you couldn't get everything you wanted written out for the contest too. :3 The fact that you wrote these is amazing! So don't be too hard on yourself!

Both are non-fiction, Kara is in fact my girlfriend and I forgot a lot of random things on that list, we continue to add to it and I get her back too sometimes. Any sense of being licked on the face gets her squirming away from me.

With the cigarette thing this was about... jesus 5 years ago. I still smoke, but this was just something that came to me when I was prompted by you, and I remember all the emotions and the sadness and happiness and gratitude of my manager's compassion. It felt right to reflect on. I'm very glad you took something away from it. I feel the ending/conclusion became a mess towards the end.

I really enjoyed this one. Love is an interesting feeling. When you truly love someone, not only do you enjoy being with that person, but you look forward to accepting them for who they are, deep inside. I think you want to understand and accept your beloved. I'm sure they want to do the same for you. With some polish, this could be an excellent prose vignette.

Thank you! Maybe someday I'll go back to it and maybe be able to even show Kara. Thank you again for your kind words.

 

[Annoyance]

So I've been kind of... lazy about keeping this updated. Lately I've been too busy to finish writing anything but I've been slowly typing up some random things I've managed to write in my writing notebook along with occasionally writing haiku in class.

I'll at least post those. The first one I wrote while they were announcing winners for the writing contest I entered. 29 fiction stories were submitted including my own [The Stone House] and I was sure I had no chance and I felt really uneasy. The rest are random things that meant something at the time probably, but usually aren't related to each other.

Pit in my stomach
Vomit rising, almost gone
But, still lingers.

Head phones worn today
The loud silence in my ears
World shut out from me

Rain on my new shoes
Blisters felt as I walk on
Broken in, and sore.

Everything will pass
Leaves and snow and rain and sun
Life will continue

Echoing whispers.
Your soothing words in my ears,
Ringing in my heart.

Hurtful, negative;
Get your head out of the clouds.
Karma will find you.

Don't give it power,
The sticky mess inside you.
It will grow stronger.

Return home, my friend.
We'll chat and laugh as always,
Calm, just as before.

Your eyes are shining
Through the muck, this foggy world,
Staring back, grinning.

Summer breeze blowing.
Fireflies trapped in a jar.
Please don't leave me here.








[i won that writing contest btw with first place and i almost cried/legit threw up from nerves alone]

 

[KingdomKey]

Your haikus are not only lovely but have a strong impact. I like how some of them capture how you're feeling in the moment, or the things around you. There's definitely wisdom in some of them. Which kind of makes me want to take heed of it because, life does continue, and karma will find anyone. And it's still amazing you won a medal for your contest!

 

[Annoyance]

Have a lot more free time with winter break just starting let's see...
Typed up an old poem from geometry class
----

Stay awake
So that my throat does not dry
So my hands don’t grasp
at it clawing for salvation

Stay awake with sand
on crimson shredded eyes
The way you made me smile
It’s okay, I say
I say, I’m awake

You wait next to me
for your turn
----


also a haiku
---
Trains rush through tunnels,
The winds striking through my core.
Never arriving.

-----

and whatever this is idk it may turn into something later
-----
The song played in our parked car, the radio dialed up to the top so we could hear outside the doors. I didn’t recognize the song, but as if I were possessed I pushed myself off the hood of the car and began to dance and sway and spin my hair and skirt twirling with me in their own dance.

He got out of the car, I thought to inspect, but he smiled, and began to dance, too. We spun together and apart, never touching, tearing away in another direction the moment our hands or bodies nearly touched.

 

[KingdomKey]

I really like the one about the protagonist dancing after getting out of the car. It feels like something you'd read from a novel and it stands out to me. I love how they simply dance without saying a word, or why they're dancing to begin with. Definitely feels like a joyous moment they're having, where they're carefree and enjoying their life. Or at least, that's the impression I got from it.

The haiku makes me think about not reaching ones destination. Perhaps feeling nervous about where they're going on the train. I could think of a number of scenarios that could be happening in that instance for that person. It's quite exciting to think about, really.

The old poem makes me wonder what they're staying awake for. If it's something terrifying or not. Perhaps it's something important. Alas, I'll most likely not know. All the same it's quite good and mysterious.

 

[Annoyance]

I really like the one about the protagonist dancing after getting out of the car. It feels like something you'd read from a novel and it stands out to me. I love how they simply dance without saying a word, or why they're dancing to begin with. Definitely feels like a joyous moment they're having, where they're carefree and enjoying their life. Or at least, that's the impression I got from it.

The haiku makes me think about not reaching ones destination. Perhaps feeling nervous about where they're going on the train. I could think of a number of scenarios that could be happening in that instance for that person. It's quite exciting to think about, really.

The old poem makes me wonder what they're staying awake for. If it's something terrifying or not. Perhaps it's something important. Alas, I'll most likely not know. All the same it's quite good and mysterious.

I'm very glad you see so much in such simple works. I may tweak that poem to be a little more clear. I imagined how sometimes I can't sleep but it's enjoyable to watch my girlfriend sleep sometimes and it relaxes myself. I also was very very tired in Geometry class and got snarked at by my teacher for being on my phone/on my laptop/sleeping [and still walking out with an A bite me you adjunct lazy ass]... so I was kind of writing to myself to stay awake in general.

The haiku was a nice one. I was kind of inspired by Neverwhere probably. I'm not even sure.

As for the dancing one I'm hoping to turn it into sommmmethingggg I'm not sure what though or how to fit it in without it being unnatural.

 

[Annoyance]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13SWPJbostn91BcIBf2y9dwU5RdDH06vQZ693H6C6QiY/edit?usp=sharing

I'm currently working on a bunch of pieces I've FIIIINALLY COPIED OVER. My writing journal had like 10 bookmarks in it of stuff I never took care of. Everything is not done yet, a lot of them I need direction and comments on. If you have anything worth mentioning to me, feel free to post here but comments on the document are also fine.

The poetry entries are super bad. :x

Still proud of myself for getting em hammered out in text because I really need help with all of them and I'd like to submit at least one thing to the literary magazine at my school this year and not just have the final version of Stone House with my changes and essentially republish the same story with more polish...

 

[KingdomKey]

It's pretty cool you copied what you had written down in your journal, Annoyance. I like how of your unfinished stories have so much possibility of being something much, much more! I suppose it depends what one you'd like help giving a direction with. I might be able to brain storm and shoot you some ideas in a PM later this afternoon/evening, if you like?

Story #1. This one was my absolute favorite. I like how we know so much about Marco's situation without being told more than a few things about his mom. Including the concern from his friend, who cares about him despite knowing her mom doesn't like him, or wouldn't want him over. The story itself flowed smoothly until I came across this line in particular, cause it made me stumble in reading it:

We would sit there on the leaves all the time, making a quick mound of dirty crackling leaves and sit upon them, comfortable in the noises they made and our own silence as we listened to the wind.

Where I underline is where I faltered upon reading it. I'm not sure if a comma would make a difference, or if you should 'dirty' to 'dirt.'

Story #2. The girl inside the of the train was really captivating to me. I'm not sure if it's just my love of trains or not, but I really enjoyed reading it! I like how she doesn't wanna be alone and wishes to become best friends with a random encounter on a train of all places. I wish there was more of it to read too. Most of it seemed okay to me as far as critiquing it goes.

Story #3. I also recognize the story about a girl spinning and dancing outside of her car with the guy she's with. I still love that one a lot. <3

Story #4. Whereas the one with Stella is interesting. I wonder why she has to be okay and put on a facade for the person who's with her. I can tell that person cares for her but, I also kind of admire Stella for thinking of others instead of herself.

Story #5. Then there's the one with Amy. The emotional connection to the items in the box felt real. I love how you can weave stories like this that contain real life problems people face every day. I was a bit astonished at the part where she tries to burn some of those things that used to mean something to her in her own bedroom floor. Bit of a fire hazard to say the least.

Story #6. I'm not sure what to make of the one with Ted. It's fascinating, actually. The confidence he has in forgetting he's had sex with someone because he's leaving is astonishing. I doubt he's right because, it's hard to leave things like that behind just because you're going somewhere. Usually memories and details cling that much harder to yourself when you try to forget. I think this one might need a tiny bit of work though.

Ted held his head low, humming a song they heard on the radio; he’s nervous, ___ thought.

^ It threw me off when he mentioned 'he's nervous, ___ thought.'

Story #7. And lastly, the brief story about a girl in her father's office, who's holding a cat in her lap with somebody aggressively trying to get into the room seems like something you'd see in an action movie.

Spoiler Show

Stay awake
So that my throat does not dry
So my hands don’t grasp
at it clawing for salvation

Stay awake with sand
on crimson shredded eyes
The way you made me smile
It’s okay, I say
I say, I’m awake

You wait next to me
for your turn

^ This one felt a bit ominous to me. Something happening to one person after another with false promises it'd be okay gives me a unsettling sensation. It's like waiting in the doctor's office for your turn only worse. Of course, this could have a number of possibilities going on that makes it equally exciting. In the meantime, I like this poem the most because, it lets me imagine lots of scenarios that could be happening with it.

Spoiler Show

The words I form
From my lips
from my brain
from a single touch
I bend them,
twist and move them
The warmth of a single word
Setting your brain on fire
To your lips
To the words you form
And warming my soul

^ I feel like this one describes what it's like to hear someone acknowledging you. It could also be what it's like to tell someone you love them, or wish to be their friend. What I like about it most is that it captures how much humans like interacting with one another. What it feels like to be special in that moment from something someone else's says. Haha, at least this is how I interpret this poem in particular.

 

[Annoyance]

I'm going to go through this more later, since it's late for me but I just want to thank you for going through everything I'd love to chat with you later about it.

Most of the time I leave blanks for characters I haven't decided the name for yet. Sometimes it's on the spot but others I have to think harder because I end up placing a name of someone I know and it gets weird.

 

[Annoyance]

OKAY NOW THAT I'M BACK FROM MY WRITERS CONFERENCE IN D.C. AND I'M ALL GEARED UP TO WRITE AND WORK ON STUFF LET'S DO THIS.

It's pretty cool you copied what you had written down in your journal, Annoyance. I like how of your unfinished stories have so much possibility of being something much, much more! I suppose it depends what one you'd like help giving a direction with. I might be able to brain storm and shoot you some ideas in a PM later this afternoon/evening, if you like?

Story #1. This one was my absolute favorite. I like how we know so much about Marco's situation without being told more than a few things about his mom. Including the concern from his friend, who cares about him despite knowing her mom doesn't like him, or wouldn't want him over. The story itself flowed smoothly until I came across this line in particular, cause it made me stumble in reading it:


Where I underline is where I faltered upon reading it. I'm not sure if a comma would make a difference, or if you should 'dirty' to 'dirt.'

I try to use my writing journal as much as possible as I'm super busy with school so I write so many ideas and scenes out that may or may not have anything to do with each other but that's how many of my stories just start out. It's almost full! I'm excited.

My stories sometimes suffer because I feel I don't give enough personal conflict or outward conflict that they have to deal with so most scenes are prior to the conflict or after the conflict. Maybe ideas for what they could have dealt with/what they should deal with would be cool to brainstorm with you?

For story #1 it was inspired by fall and I want to capture that more. The way things are dying to be buried by snow, etc. The line you caught is mostly just a mistake on my part. I have a problem with redundancies and a lot of adverbs (which are to be used sparingly). (mainly ly words) (editors pretty much say that if there's a better verb for the action, and there usually is, use that strong word instead of ly words to describe verbs).

Story #2. The girl inside the of the train was really captivating to me. I'm not sure if it's just my love of trains or not, but I really enjoyed reading it! I like how she doesn't wanna be alone and wishes to become best friends with a random encounter on a train of all places. I wish there was more of it to read too. Most of it seemed okay to me as far as critiquing it goes.

I love trains too! When writing this I had a long 5 hour train ride with a friend and I wanted to capture the wonder and ideas I had while riding there. Random encounters you always hear about are rare these days and I wanted this character to have that senseless wonder, as mentioned. I'd like to add more to it, where she's going, why she's going etc without directly saying it.

Story #3. I also recognize the story about a girl spinning and dancing outside of her car with the guy she's with. I still love that one a lot. <3

Yeah this is a random tidbit that may become part of a bigger short story I think. It was a dream I had about an old friend of mine and I hate him but it was nice.

Story #4. Whereas the one with Stella is interesting. I wonder why she has to be okay and put on a facade for the person who's with her. I can tell that person cares for her but, I also kind of admire Stella for thinking of others instead of herself.

This is kinda how I go through anxiety attacks. The line about "breathe in the flowers, blow out the candle" was something a friend of mine told me to do when I was going through one to help me breathe properly. I'm also thinking of combining this with the break up one below it and changing the names up.

Story #5. Then there's the one with Amy. The emotional connection to the items in the box felt real. I love how you can weave stories like this that contain real life problems people face every day. I was a bit astonished at the part where she tries to burn some of those things that used to mean something to her in her own bedroom floor. Bit of a fire hazard to say the least.

thank you i try really hard to make them feel real/tangible. i've experienced the "box" so many times with boyfriends/friends and it's never fun.

I want to turn this into a reflective piece for the character. she's young and reckless and in a lot of pain that she doesn't know how to sort out as many girls don't with the early relationships. I know I didn't when I broke up with my first boyfriend out of high school so it's fiction with nonfiction feelings. Definitely have a grasp of what I want to do with this one.

Story #6. I'm not sure what to make of the one with Ted. It's fascinating, actually. The confidence he has in forgetting he's had sex with someone because he's leaving is astonishing. I doubt he's right because, it's hard to leave things like that behind just because you're going somewhere. Usually memories and details cling that much harder to yourself when you try to forget. I think this one might need a tiny bit of work though.

^ It threw me off when he mentioned 'he's nervous, ___ thought.'

I still have to think of a name for the main character/narrator. Shallow reasons for this existing is that all my main characters have been female lately and I don't know why nor do I like it much. And then I made a gay couple too so that's nice I guess????

This has similar feelings to the first one and I don't know how to feel about that. I need better conflict with this one or the first one.

Story #7. And lastly, the brief story about a girl in her father's office, who's holding a cat in her lap with somebody aggressively trying to get into the room seems like something you'd see in an action movie.

I see a lot of potential with this I just need to go somewhere and also type up what I have in my notebook because I keep working on it before class starts when I can (which is like 5 mins at a time...) I have some ideas to it, so we'll see... but any suggestions are welcome!

[poetry #1]
^ This one felt a bit ominous to me. Something happening to one person after another with false promises it'd be okay gives me a unsettling sensation. It's like waiting in the doctor's office for your turn only worse. Of course, this could have a number of possibilities going on that makes it equally exciting. In the meantime, I like this poem the most because, it lets me imagine lots of scenarios that could be happening with it.

I'm nervous to say that it still seems incomplete and vague. I'd like to work on it harder if I can. It was written to seem like I was busy in class because I couldn't look at my phone and I kept falling asleep so some of it was just talking to myself and thinking about my girlfriend and wanting to just spend time with her instead of the 3 hour night class I was in. I'll try to work on it harder so it's less vague but still open to possibilities. Just not as many, you know?

[poetry #2.]
^ I feel like this one describes what it's like to hear someone acknowledging you. It could also be what it's like to tell someone you love them, or wish to be their friend. What I like about it most is that it captures how much humans like interacting with one another. What it feels like to be special in that moment from something someone else's says. Haha, at least this is how I interpret this poem in particular.

I actually like this one a little more than the other poem in that it came from the idea of how words have so much power, and each one formed together can mean so much on when it's said, how it's said, why it's said, etc. Words are neat. :v


Thank you again for your lovely help and reading as always Kitkat I always look forward to your comments and kind words. It always warms my heart.