Re: Sky Angels
So this is the part where I make a review on the first chapter. I bolded a few of the gramar things that jumped out at me, but when it comes to your choppy sentences and stuff, I figured you could do it on your own.
Dawn was only five years old but the memory had been engraved forever. She was playing in the snow with her family in their back yard. It was getting dark…she remembered seeing the snow change to blue…then red. Any time this memory came up, Dawn would wince at what happened next. She started walking back to her house when a dark beast suddenly sprang from the forest behind them and cut young Dawn off from the house.
I feel like this could easily be elongated and have better descriptions. I mean, this is the one flashback that sets up the entire story; you must have some better way to introduce everything. It feels mediocre, honestly. I hope the first book didn't begin this way.
Dark Beasts is what they called them. They had wild burning orange eyes and dark leathery skin. These creatures looked like huge black dogs with four tails and five toes like humans. But the most noticeable feature had to be their large, black, bat wings known as Dark Wings. Slobber dripped from its mouth as it stared at its victim.
Still, descriptions are key, especially since these seem like they could be big in the future. And to be fair, dogs do have five toes.
Dawn’s family was afraid to move; not for their own sakes but for Dawn’s. Dark Beasts were smart and it didn’t take much to set them off. The beast began to quickly circle its prey. Young Dawn could only tremble as its taunting continued. It was alluring her to run for its own game. It crouched low and just as it was about to pounce, a glint of silver appeared and the next thing Dawn knew, the beast was on its back flailing like a turtle.
Her saviour floated down. Yes, floated. He had long silver hair and bright silver eyes…and a pair of large silver angel wings. A Flyer. In his hand he clutched a long, heavy broadsword. The next few seconds were a blur. She remembered hearing inhuman cries then seeing blood splatter in the snow. But before she could thank him, he was gone.“Alright, sit down. Sit down. There are Flyers going by every day. We can’t afford to lose precious seconds each lesson running to the window.” Their teacher, Miss. Heckle scolded. “Your exams are around the corner.”
I cannot stress the use of a comma before words like "and", "but", and "or". Isn't that like, elementary?
The annoying, old sharp voice broke Dawn’s memory. She sighed. Ever since that day, Dawn always dreamed of becoming a Flyer, along with everyone else on the ground. To have wings and soar through the skies without limits. Without heavy shackles. Those on the ground were simply known as Earthlings. Flyers and Earthlings lived in harmony. The Flyers would protect the Earthlings and the Earthlings would provide food and gears for the Flyers.
The Flyers lived in the sky in flying castles above the ground. They mostly floated over oceans or uninhabited areas of the globe in fear of invasions from the evil Earthlings….and Dark Creatures. If you were lucky, like their wings, you’d catch a glimpse of these magnificent castles.
The story at this point gives the impression that Flyers are good, and a majority of Earthlings are either evil or hopeless. Hopefully that's what you were going for.
“Hey Dawn!” One of the girls sneered. “Didn’t you say you were once saved by a Flyer?”
Needless to say, no one believed Dawn’s story. They all mocked and jeered as if nearly being killed was funny.
“Hey Anjy, didn’t you say once you kissed the Prince?” A brunette retorted.
“But I did!” Anjy whined.
Everyone laughed. She actually did kiss the Prince but like Dawn’s true story, no one believed it. The young brunette’s name was Elva; Dawn’s only friend. From a far away glance, both girls looked like identical sisters. They both at beautiful, wavy, thick brown hair and bright green eyes. The only difference was Elva was slightly taller and thinner. She had the body of a basketball player.
Wooo your first dialogue back-and-forth. Kay. Personal problems provide backgrounds, not bad. Then there's this prince thing that hopefully won't get thrown aside. Assuming they live in a monarchy or something now.
Basketball player's have "bodies"? I assume this makes her...masculine?
Elva was basically Dawn’s body guard in a way. Dawn was often too shy to stand up for herself so Elva was always right there beside her. Elva could have been the star of the basketball team or the most popular girl in school next to Anjy, but she chose to be beside Dawn. The rest of the day moved along slowly. No more sightings of Flyers till lunch.
The warm spring sun drew all the girls of Saint Bridget’s School for Girls onto the warm green grass. The school was not that large, about 1000 girls. The school was located on the cliffs of Nol, on looking the beautiful crystal blue seas below. The town lay only a few kilometres away along the coast; the city of Nol which was surrounded by a breathtaking ancient forest that no one dared cut down, where most of the city folk lived. Saint Bridget’s School was one of the top schools in the whole country.
First of all, I now know more of the main character's best friend than Dawn herself. I think there's something wrong there.
Also, I'm feeling like there's confliction in the whole peaceful city of Earthlings, but that'll surely get built on in time. 1000 is kinda big, in my experience, by the way.
Many girls came from all over just to attend. Elva and Dawn had the luxury of being able to go home for the night whilst most of the others had to remain in the dorms. Dawn and Elva sat down in their favourite spot for lunch; under a tall oak tree looking out into the sea with the school within hearing distances of the bell. The other girls never came out that far because they were just too tired or lazy or didn’t want to ruin their boring, gray school uniforms.
Shy girl wants to get dirty, alright. Though you're painting a good picture of the setting, I'll admit.
“You were remembering again.” Elva said as she set up their favourite blue picnic blanket. “I could see it when all the girls ran to the window.”
Dawn blushed. Was it really that noticeable? With a slight giggle, Dawn laid out their lunches. Both girls sat down and began eating when suddenly Dawn snapped her neck up and breathed in deeply.
“Look up, a Flyer’s coming.” Dawn said pointing to the sky.
And sure enough, a Flyer burst through the clouds. He had bright green wings like a parrot with matching green hair. Elva and Dawn watched in amazement and awe as the Flyer streamed across the sky and back into another cloud. Somehow, after the attack, Dawn had gained the ability to sense when a Flyer was coming. So she and Elva usually got more than a glimpse of their just their wings. From what they could see on the ground, the Flyers were beautiful. They were well built and wore the most salient clothes. Their hair was another feature.
That little thing right there. Needs more depth. I mean, this little part could be split into multiple paragraphs, really.
You are describing one of the key beings in the story. I feel as though I'm nagging there, but I can't stress how important more detail is.
Unlike normal human hair, their hair ranged from normal colours such as blonde and brunette to blues and greens and every colour under the sun. And their wings matched their hair. Or it could have been the other way around. At times, Dawn thought that maybe their hair colour changed when they got their wings to match. Elva turned her eyes from the blue sky to Dawn whom remained staring into space.
“While I believe you, Dawn, your story…is a bit unbelievable.” Elva admitted.
“I get it, why would a Flyer want to save a girl like me?” Dawn responded, gloomily looking at her friend darkly. She hated when people didn’t believe her, especially her best friend.
“Huh, NO I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!!” Elva frantically exclaimed. “Um, cookie?”
Oh nvm. The hair is so important after all. You're putting comparison into the wing colors though, but that could just be there for lulz.
And like, capitals are bad in such serious work. Thumbs down.
With a nervous smile, Elva held up a bag of her mother’s famous fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Dawn couldn’t help but smile. She found Elva cute when she was flustered.
“You think a couple of your mother’s delicious cookies are going to win me back?” Dawn asked with a hidden smile. “You know me so well.”
Elva breathed then laughed. Dawn joined her. She couldn’t remain mad at her friend forever besides, Elva didn’t mean anything bad. And plus, without Elva Dawn would never get to enjoy her mom’s cookies ever again. The two girls enjoyed their lunches slowly and talked about other things than Flyers. Then they headed back just as the bell for last lesson rang. One more hour then they’d go home.
Last lesson was a drag. While English was usually fun, they were doing revision for their exams making it extremely boring and long. Elva and Dawn kept nudging each other to stay awake. And after what seemed like an eternity, the final bell screamed, ‘time to go home!’ waking up all the girls from their semi-conscious states. Dawn and Elva quickly sped out the doors and to the bike racks where their identical red bikes stood chained to the cold poles.
It seems right here as if you tried to show the relationship between the two friends, and it worked to a fine degree. One thing though; I now know even more of Elva. Where's the Dawn background? However I must keep my mind oipen for the future, I'm sure a main character description can wait until the next chapter.
“Hey, I’m gonna head to my secret spot for a while. I’ll see ya tomorrow!” Dawn shouted riding off in the opposite direction of home.
“Um, bye?” Elva shouted back.
Dawn did that sometimes. Elva knew her all too well to know that Dawn wanted to be alone. Today, both of Dawn’s parents were out working late so Dawn would usually go to her secret spot and just sit and draw for a few hours. A high cliff on looking the water. It was quite far from the city many most people didn’t go there. That’s where Dawn would sit with her legs dangling over the edge and her head buried into the detail of her drawings. That was Dawn’s favourite pass time: drawing. Her sketchbook was choc full of drawings of her and Elva as Flyers. They both had large, stunning brown wings.
She wanted to be a Flyer more than anything, but Dawn also wanted her friend right beside her. If she had to choose between becoming a Flyer and Elva, she would choose Elva. As she sat doodling away her fantasies, her senses picked a Flyer…really close. Dawn looked up and came face to face with a young teen…with large red wings.
As I read through this, there's a quesiton coming to me, and I think it's kinda serious pertaining to the Flyers and such.
First off, you have Earthlings and Flyers being enemies or something; the latter trying to escape them for the most part, while fighting Dark Beasts or whatever. By the way in which you describe them at first, Flyers are natural beings, with wings such as birds. Yet here you are, making it seem as though one could become a Flyer. While that's fine, it makes me question how the two could be such social enemies when some of the Flyers were once Earlthings. Unless of course it's just Dawn's own fantasy. Then yeah, that makes more sense. Still, you mentioned how they "get their wings" in the hair color paragraph.
“Hello.” He greeted with a warm smile.
“Eep!” Dawn squeaked fumbling with her sketchbook. “Oh no!”
Amongst her flustering, Dawn’s sketchbook slipped from her hands. Seeing what he had caused, the boy flew up then swooped down and caught the sketchbook before it hit the water. He flew back up and held the book out towards Dawn; genuine guilt for his mistake in his face. Dawn crawled away from the edge quickly yet keeping her eyes locked on his.
The boy slowly stepped onto the edge, keeping her sketch book out in front of him. Dawn couldn’t understand why she was scared.
“I’m sorry, I’ll leave.” The Flyer said cautiously placing the sketchbook down at Dawn’s feet.
Encountering, not bad. I'm not feeling the boy Flyer's remorse enough though.
Courage suddenly swelled in Dawn’s gut forcing a, “wait!” to come out. The boy turned and smiled. Dawn stood to her feet then dusted her bland school gray skirt off.
“M-my name’s Dawn.” She weakly greeted holding her hand out.
“I’m Tito, a Fire Flyer.” Tito responded, taking Dawn’s hand firmly with an even bigger smile.
Dawn snickered a little. The first thought that came to mind from his title was a picture of him as a firefly. Tito laughed too. He understood what she was thinking and found his title amusing at times as well.
Kays. "Fire" Flyers. Introducing more stuff to be wary of in the future. Interesting way to tie the chapter title though.
“You’re a really good artists. I’ve seen you drawing from time to time.” Tito complimented then quickly added, “Not that I stalk you or anything!”
Dawn laughed again then quickly examined the Flyer standing before her. He had bright red hair and wore a fiery red and yellow tunic with silk black trousers to match and thin black boots. Tito was well built which could easily be seen from the sky with tan skin probably from flying so close to the sun everyday. But the most noticeable feature was his eyes; silver. Like the Flyer who saved Dawn ten years ago, Tito had frighteningly luminescent silver eyes.
Aw. Dawn didn't get such a nice description. : ( What color is HER hair?
“I…see you want to become a Flyer as well.” Tito said noting the drawings in Dawn’s hands.
Dawn blushed but nodded. Fear suddenly took hold of her mind. Would he leave now knowing she was just like other Earthlings? Just like the others who also had the hopeless dream of becoming birds who soared the skies freely?
“You’re different- than the others.”
Dawn looked up with confusion in her face.
“You’re…you can sense us coming right? I look down and can see you looking straight at me as if you knew I was there. You’re special.”
“I’m not…” Dawn started.
Kay. Let's see where this goes, and how he knows that.
Tito took a step closer than sniffed Dawn’s brown hair.
“You are. You carry the scent of a Flyer meaning you either are one or were saved by one.” Tito explained.
Dawn’s eyes widened. How could he know? That happened many years ago! Or could it be….Dawn was actually a Flyer and didn’t realize it. Maybe that was it! Her dream had always been within her grasp! But…she had her parents still…and Elva. Before Dawn could say anything, Tito suddenly jerked his head away with fear in his eyes. Then Dawn smelled it: fire. She followed Tito’s gaze towards a tall black pillar of smoke.
Brown! Also, I find it odd how such a scent could stay on her, but meh.
However, you completely passed up the opportunity here to really look into Dawn's past a little. You could have put emphasis on her family, more of her dreams, the day she was saved. Feels like it was ignored.
Black smoke rising from the direction of Dawn’s house.
“NO!” Dawn screamed suddenly taking off down the hill towards her house.
Tito thrust himself into the air with one powerful flap from his wings then flew along side Dawn. Seeing she wasn’t a fast runner, Tito wrapped his arms around her waist then hoisted her off the ground. Dawn screamed and struggled but as soon as she saw her feet dangling above a twenty foot drop, she stood and clutched onto Tito’s arms tightly.
Aw.
And still. More detail. What's she thinking?
The atmosphere was thick with smoke making it almost impossible to breathe, none the less see. Tito seemed to see just fine. Dawn pulled her uniform shirt over her nose to breathe slightly easier. The flames had spread rapidly through the forest. Dawn could feel the heat from the fire causing her clothes to dance. Her bare legs burned but right now she didn’t care.
She just kept praying the fire hadn’t gotten to her house.
“Drop me!” Dawn shouted as they neared her house.
Tito didn’t argue. He swooped down lower a bit then released Dawn. The moment her feet touched the ground, Dawn charged towards her house not caring about the thick smoke around her now. She arrived…only to find her large white house completely engulfed in flames. She stood in the drive way looking in pure shock and horror….at their green car parked out front. They were home! They were inside that house! They were burning!
Alright. Not too bad. For a moment I wasn't sure if they were still flying but that's just me. Or is it?
Also, by introducing vehicles, just know that it opens a bunch of plotholes concerning airplanes.
“MOM! DAD!” Dawn cried.
Suddenly a Dark Creature burst through the front window and bounded over Dawn’s head. In its mouth, her mother’s arm lay wedged between its sharp teeth. The creature turned and faced Dawn with its glowing orange eyes. Dawn was trapped. The beast in front of her and the fire behind her.
“Ha!” Tito shouted thrusting his large blade into the Dark Creature’s back.
The creature cried in pain and struggled to get free but Tito had pinned him. With one quick, final turn of the wrist, Tito killed the large beast then pulled his blade out.
“Are you okay?” Tito asked placing his free left hand on Dawn’s shoulder.
Oh, hey random gore, how are you? o_o
Dawn nodded but before she could speak more drama. Dawn heard a loud shrill cry echo from a few houses down. A familiar cry. Elva. The whole street had caught on fire by now but through the opaque smoke, Dawn could make out two large figures dragging her best friend away into some sort of car that had no visible wheels.
“El-!” Dawn nearly screamed, but Tito slapped his hand over her mouth and dragged her away.
“Those are agents of the Dark Lord! He must be after you!” Tito whispered as he continued dragging her.
Kay, your parents are dismembered or eaten or something. No worries. Also...just wtf?
Her parents die or something. She's worried instead about her best friend. Recall that they are on some large, open street with fires blazing. Why does she have to be quiet again? Are they right behind the creatures? Oh, her friend is in an invisible car that gets a sentence's mention. No problem.
And really. Would have helped to get prior notice to this "Dark Lord". Feels rushed. And what exactly clues Tito in that they're after Dawn? Like...they have her friend, so what?
This was not the time for grieving. Once safe and out of the densest smoke, Tito spread his wings and flew the two of them away. Dawn no longer had a home to return to. So Tito took her to his home…in one of the flying castles of the sky.
I'm sorry, but this ending had to have been rushed. You were setting a fine pace, but then we're suddenly surrounded by fire, dead parents, best friends going somewhere, and now she's just being ushered to the livingplace of a Flyer. You had something going and then BAM.
I look forward to the rest though. It's very possible for redemption. Aheh.
