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Silver Sparkles



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khfreak17

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This is a short story i did a while ago, and i felt like putting it up here and seeing what feedback i could get. so... enjoy! and please comment!!!

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I stared sadly out the window as my love walked away. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and quickly wiped it away before the driver could see. I didn't want my Baby to leave me, but I didn't have I choice. I knew we would see eachother sooner than I thought, but it killed me inside be alone. A song I knew popped into my head, and it made a few more tears escape my eyes. Why this song? Why now?

The car stopped, and the driver got out; I followed his lead, opening the door and slaming it shut. Completely ignoring him, I stormed into the house and into my room, closing the door. I sat on my bed, put on my headphones and turned up my music as loud as it would go. But it still didn't drown out that song, nor that image of my angel walking away. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I fished it out. It was a text from my Babyboy. It said, "I miss you too Baby." I had forgotten that I had texted her in the first place. I quickly replied back and threw the phone on the bed.

Something silvery and sparkally sitting on my dresser caught my eye. I sat up and walked over to it and picked up the object. It was a bottle of silver nail plolish with sparkles floating inside. I shrugged and walked back over to my bed with the bottle in my hand. The smell that met my nose when I unscrewed the top was pungent, but I ignored it and dragged the brush over my nails, over and over again until they were perfectly silver and sparkally. I loved the way that they glinted and shone in the dim light of my lamp. It cheered me up slightly, and reminded me of Tommy's nails in one of the pictures I saw of him on Twitter.

Through the bed, I felt my phone buzz again, and I reached over the pile of blankets and pillows, trying to find the damn thing. The glowing red screen showed a new text. I flipped up the screen and the message appeared. It said, "Love you too Glitterbaby. Sleep well." I quickly thumbed back, "Good night, my sweet angel" then flipped it shut and threw it on the shelf next to my bed. I let out a sigh and stared at the ceiling through my hair, trying to make out shapes and patterns in the dim lighting. I soon gave up and flicked off my lamp. I grabbed a blanket and threw it over me, enjoying the warmth it brought me. I imagined my Baby lying next to me, her arm over my waist and my fingers intertwined in hers.

Stiffling a sob, I ducked my head under the blaket and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I silently cried myself to sleep.
 

Annoyance

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You sure like pet names...
I'm going to critique this fully later.

Is this just a short piece? No chapters later or anything?
 

khfreak17

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You sure like pet names...
I'm going to critique this fully later.

Is this just a short piece? No chapters later or anything?

nope. no other chapters. the pet names werent on purpose or anything. i just didnt want to use names or anything. and i wrote this when i was half-awake, so dont kill me if it sucks.

Not to be offensive or patronising, but this reeks of teen angst.

that was kind of the point. i got really depressed a few weeks back when i wrote this.
 

Annoyance

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nope. no other chapters. the pet names werent on purpose or anything. i just didnt want to use names or anything. and i wrote this when i was half-awake, so dont kill me if it sucks.
There are different ways of doing that.

I asked if there were more chapters just because there's really no conclusion for the plot. There is no plot. It's just sadness throughout which doesn't really make a story.

The nail polish COULD have been used to show some sort of conclusion but you killed that by saying there was no difference in the girl's actions. If she were to like, smile or something, feel brighter about the sparkles then maybe the title would be fitting, maybe this would be worth the read.
 

Reverie

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This is not bad, but it could have been better. If this is only a one-shot, I feel that there should be more added.
 
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