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General ► Should I go it alone?



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PrettyGuard

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Perhaps I'm just too much in a hole to get this or maybe this is finally thinking straight, I'm not sure. In the end, each of us has to make the decision about our behavior and thoughts. (I get that chemical issues can make those harder, but I do decide whether to give in to my addiction in the end. And I've done enough DBT in the past to think about other options and about letting go of thoughts. )

So is there really any point in reaching out to friends and adding to their stress? Wouldn't it be better to just war ourselves on our own? Winning or losing each battle without involving innocent civilians? And maybe even the final war too?
 

KingdomKurdistan

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So is there really any point in reaching out to friends and adding to their stress?

As someone who has lost many friendships to this unconquerable perception that my mere presence is a burden on others, know that it isn't true.

You are loved. Our minds may be battlefields but our emotions and urges are its combatants; not our friends. They aren't collateral damage.

Speaking of dialectals: hypothesis, antithesis, synthesis. Our friends aren't antitheses, we ourselves are: the different parts of us that are at war with each other. But they are formative parts of us.

And, eventually, they're co-constitutive of the new, synthesised us. There's no final war, though. The dialectic struggle is constant. Synthesis becomes a hypothesis faced with fresh antitheses; then the cycle of conflict and compromise repeats ad infinitum. It may be an internal struggle but it does not have to be a lonely one.

Reach out to your friends.

I feel this song really nails these feelings, but maybe that's just me:
 

PrettyGuard

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Thank you for your feedback. I guess I too would be sad if a friend was really struggling and felt they could not reach out to me. But it was/is hard for me to see that in reverse. So thank you for pointing that out. And thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

In the way of the universe/God/the Holy, the book I was reading tonight (How to be an Antiracist by Ibrahm X. Kendi) had a good point for me to maybe focus on.... “..we must believe. Believe all is not lost for you and me and our society.”
 

kirabook

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I struggle with this as well, but over the years, I've developed a habit around it. Good or bad, I don't know. But when I'm feeling down, I go to my friends to feel better. I, for the most part, do not tell them why I am down or if I am down at all. They're stressed out too, so let our friendship be something were we both forget our worries for a little bit and do something fun to distract ourselves.

Of course, my habit immediately falls apart when the other friend confides in me about their woes. I have.... no idea how to handle it other than say "Hey, let's do something fun and distracting!" Rarely does that work. They might think I'm just ignoring what they said or not taking them seriously but...

Well, I always tell my friends. I suck at cheering people up. I don't know what to say or do unless it involves completely ignoring what's bringing us down and trying to do something fun instead. Toxic positivity, I guess.

Times when I'm feeling down and the other person doesn't want to have fun, then I just end up wallowing and having some really bad thoughts. You can't keep a bottle on the bad things forever. And well... I just hate dumping my problems on others. It's really hard for me, apparently always has been even when I was a child (there's some interesting stories of my younger self that I hear from others).

I think.... there is a balance that can be struck here. Like, we shouldn't dump our issues on our friends 24/7. The entire friendship simply can't be filled with trading stress back and forth. Your friends are there to hear your worries now and then, but they're also there to hear about your happiness and to have fun with you. During times when you're stressed out, maybe your friend doesn't need to know all the details, just that you're feeling stressed and it' be great to hang out and forget about it for a while with them.
 

Soldier

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I'd say it's important to not "go it alone" as it were. The way I see things is that everyone is a soldier that fights their own battles. What you might fight can differ from someone else, but there is some common ground to be found if you look for it. Friends can definitely help with such struggles, so I'd recommend reaching out like others have suggested.
 
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