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Fanfiction ► Shines One Year After: Book 1



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Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
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I enjoyed the description showoff (Yes, you are showing off) when you first wrote it. Reminds me of some of my old stories and giving me new insights of the worlds as well.

I actually think relinquish is ok, can't see any wrong from that.
 

giuocob

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Don't get me wrong, it was definitely an enjoyable read. But it would've been clearer without quite as much vocabulary.
 

bizness86

New member
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Feb 27, 2008
Messages
293
Contents
ACT 2, But Is There Coffee?​

Chapter 4, To Traverse Dreams
Chapter 5, Embark with Silver Wings



ACT 2

Chapter 4, To Traverse Dreams

play Blast Away! - Gummi Ship II, KH​

Neck and neck, the two Kingdoms 1 dominated the outstretching lot of transports and Gummi Ships, each thrusting closer to their prized empty parking space. This is the Inter-World Travel System at its finest! Hailed by many as the dawning of the age, the high-speed system allowed for unrestricted worldly travel.
This system was made for the users by the users. Freedom to ride the horizon and unite under one sky!—to infinity, and beyond…!
- support Project Star Command
2

The slogan, deemed cheesy by most, hung high at every nook, cranny, and corner of the Gummi Galaxy. There were many who dwelled doggedly upon the newfound burdens of the system—the convenience of reliable travel could prove costly, and, safely said, not everyone who owned their own Gummi Ship was the best pilot. Wrecks rarely happened, but when they did, the result became a less-than-enjoyable experience to bear.

Adored or shunned, the Inter World Travel System was the most convenient and revolutionary notion since sliced bread. The freedom to leave all of your troubles behind you and travel to brand new worlds to start anew, these were the things that dreams were made of. So why was it so hard to find a parking space?

The empty drawn rectangular space among the sea of outstretching transports heralded salvation for the two parking lot combatants; the winner would be able to arrive and start anew, and the loser of dreams would have to submit to the victor. The space grew nearer. The race reached its climax.

“Eh?” the above intercom rang, “Jackpot!”

Death from above, the ivory bubble model plummeted into the wanted space.

“Fock!” raged the Kingdom’s com.

The intercoms of the Kingdoms were full of bicker and swear; their exact words fell unbeknownst to the pilot of the custom model, blocked by the hissing of Engine Gummies, and the smooth sounds of jazz over the Radio Gummi. Even so, and as his engine gradually purred off, ivory’s driver had an idea of what the parking space-less pilots were saying.

“Uh,” ivory’s com rang, “Sorry…?”

“F*ck you, chief!”

“Jesus Christ…”

The latches popped, and the hatch of the bubble-framed ship slowly lowered to reveal its driver. He stepped out; he was taller than most. His face was draped by the hood of his sleek, ivory, linen robe; dull bangs of black and off-white sprouted from underneath. His posture proved slouching, and the visible part of his face revealed a drab and worn young man. His mouth’s wicked bend and his pasty skin suggested an overall restlessness.

The ivory clad pilot shrugged passively, “Shit, I mean, you’ve gotta be aggressive to win, am I right?” He noted the stupor in the silence of the Kingdom’s phones and satirized, “I guess the proverbial mustard wasn’t cut by either of you, ay…”

“You rat fock!”

The young man sighed, retrieving his Key Gummi from his coat pocket.

Erk-erk!’ The ivory ship sounded, implying its alarm.

“By the by,” the young man indicated his ship as his departed for the lot’s horizon; “Lost and Found; I find marks on Cuppa Joe 3, you lose fingers…Amen?”

“Just who th’hell do you think you are, wise guy?”

The young man’s shoulders drooped in response, and he slowly turned to the still-looming Kingdoms destined to wait about the lot. He sighed. Mustering a handful of his locks and raking them upward, he revealed his unruly bags-and-bloodshot eyes.

He replied, “Java, effin’ Black, alright? I prefer ‘J’ due to recurring coffee puns and my personal fear of computer programmers.”

A chortle escaped from one of the intercoms.

“Oh, don’t you dare chuckle, Fat Man!” was Java’s icy retort, “Chuckles mean that I hunt you down and make ‘bacon out of bits’, if you catch my drift…”

J shivered, hissing to himself, “latté,” and once again proceeded to coolly step over the dreams of the pilots.

He concluded with his acquaintances placidly, but bearing an ominous tinge of weariness in his voice, “Please, don’t test me. I don’t sleep, and I will find you.”

The two forlorn pilots saw J off, and after a casual silence, one of the pilots vacantly jeered, “Heh heh…Java…”

“There goes my dreams of starting a newsstand,” replied the other.

“Oh it’s far from over friend…! My dreams are just getting warmed up! Just you wait, sir! In a few hours, there will be a parking space!”

“And I’ll be here with ya buddy!”

“Hand in Hand!”

“Side by Side!”

Their phones rang in unison, “Onward to Traverse Town!”

1 A model of Gummi Ship; Gummi Ships are capable vessels that allow inter-world travel. They are constructed from adhesive components of varying property, namely Gummi Block. Notably, these blocks also composed the world barrier. Subsequently, all Gummi Ship models will be italicized for denotation

2 This refers to Toy Story, produced by Pixar Animation Studios, and released by Walt Disney Pictures and Buena Vista Distribution

3 This refers to a Gummi custom model, denoted by italics font style




ACT 2

Chapter 5, Embark with Silver Wings

play A Walk in Andante, KH​

Splintering planks of hardwood, hinged with stained iron latches—Traverse Town’s World Gate was quite a door indeed. Aside from the chatty tourist busybodies, and the gate’s eternal slam-and-creek, the outer walls of Traverse Town also sheltered mobs of salesmen, merchants, and vendors equipped with rinky-dink stands featuring everything from the spare Gummi Blocks to ice cold lemonade.

A stretch of asphalt before the town’s entry awaited the acclaimed Charter. One of many designs from Wishing Star Inc., these sturdy models excelled as an affordable source of public transportation. As the Grand Ambassador of the transit system stated, televised live and quoted by Magic Kupo newsletter:
“Everyone needs a helping hand. And we can all pitch in and work the bugs out together. Let’s truly make reachin’ for the stars something real, and not something costly.”

Additional information could be found on any poster or pamphlets nearby a Charter stop:



The Charter! Reaching for the stars

The first public transportation model! Gain silver wings and find out what it feels like to ride the winds.

Hours: 600-2300

Traverse Town - Route

Rock Point|Stardust Sweep

700|
800

900|
1000

1100|
1200

1300|
1400

1500|
1600

1700|
1800

1900|
2000

2100|
2200​

180 seats total
200 passengers is maximum capacity
Provided by Wishing Star Inc.
Sponsored by Mognet, Moogle Synth, and Cait Stop Convenience
All Donations support Project Star Command and Moogle Synth



Typically, the Charter made its descent ten minutes late, raring to dump yet another load of blasé visitors—the sight-seers, the bus urchins, and the hopeless romantics—into the commotional wilderness.

“Alright…” barked the Charter’s abrasive driver, “We’re here. Get out,” her door flung open. Amongst the bus’s evacuation bobbed a woolen, wintry blue ponytail bound by a red elastic band. She was a rather tiny package; short and somewhat scrawny, the young bus leech jaded a cerulean jacket and a dejecting slouch. The baggy legs of her khakis rubbed briskly against one other as she made her jut towards Traverse Town’s gate.

Despite a bossy scowl and her modest attire, she could have been consider quite the cute young woman for a “bus leech,” or more adequately, an “alley cat of the Charter,” aptly put by a renowned anonymous bus urchin.

“W-wh-Hey—” a passenger screamed; he was pale and portly, comfortably sporting a short-tailed tuxedo and a furred overcoat—a real aristocrat. He yelled, “My wallet!—my wallet, you conniving thieves!!”

The tiny package skating towards the entry gave a wince in secret while cautiously slowing her pace.

To d*mned be this system!—” The pudgy fellow continued relentlessly, “It’s but another breeding ground for miscreant toads!”

Despite the malicious rant, the stealthy alley cat had one thing in mind; Traverse Town—mindless, faceless tourist fiends exploited by the lowly goons of the districts; she would easily blend in.

They’re all easy pickings, thought the rebel with snow-blue hair.

“Hey Gabs!” Dingy, blonde curls sprouted from the Charter window.

The young urchin hollered, “They know, Gabs! They know y’did it! You stole the wallet! Run! Run Gabs!—” jabbing his finger conspicuously towards the sly lady urchin.

‘Gabs’ halted in disbelief, That little four-foot f*ck sold me out!

“Urgh—” Gabs shouted into cupped hands at the smug faced lad, “Hey kid! You f*cked up big…! I’m gonna pown 1 your *ss if I ever see it again! You hear me?—” and she bolted passed the nonchalant guards into Traverse’s adequate shelter.

The dupe passenger stood dumbfounded; “Isn’t anyone going to catch that little whoremonger?—” he whined.

The tourists were toured, the vendor kept vending, the guards at the door coughed and yawned suggestively; no one lifted a finger, and things were not slowing down. The poor sap sighed, and walked ill-heartedly towards the gate.

“I guess he could always find a job in Traverse Town,” chuckled a young urchin boy from the back seats of Traverse’s 4 PM Stardust Sweep departure, “seeing as how the Gabs wiped ‘im clean!”

The young alley cats of the back seats chuckled and mocked the lewd man’s folly.

The smudgy blonde slumped back from his window and closed it with utter satisfaction, “That’ll fix ‘er good, ay…”

“That…was a pretty low move you pulled on Gabrianna, Scoots,” affirmed a red-head young lady, “the Gabs really looked out for us—as a matter of fact—why did you rat on her like that?”

A younger sprout seconded, “Yeah! The Gabs was the F-T-W 2 coolness. Why, Scoots? Why?”

“Ugh, sound like ‘er more with every second, you do, Peanut,” declared young Scoots; slouching shamelessly in the corner of his seat, he admitted; “I was gonna pilfer that ol’ porker before she had t’go on an’ get all stealthy an’ the like…” Scoots’ unnerved under the belittling leers of his peers, “Oh gollies y’wet blankets! I was givin’ her a go! I knew she was gonna get away,” but the chiding silence prevailed, “Doh—whadda you bingies know anywhos!”

Boarded by the next wave of passengers, the driver instructed that all windows be closed, and all seatbelt be fastened. The door slid shut, the engine revved, and the Charter departed for Stardust Sweep.

Java spotted the ship’s departure off into the distance. His hands fidgeted deep within the innards of his coat pockets.

“God-forsaken walk to Trans-verse Town—” Java retorted to himself; he slowed his pace and allowed a soothing exhale, “Maybe I should have tried to park closer…”

Java then thought back to his two misfortunate friends in the lot and snickered. He reassured himself, “Amen…But at least there’s coffee…That Geppetto’s Java place better be god sent…”

Java steadily pressed on.

1 More commonly seen as “PWN”; for future reference, Gabrianna, and other characters less frequently, tend to converse in ‘chatspeek’ and internet jargon

2 “F-T-W” refers to “for the win!” Peanut implies that Gabrianna is “for-the-win” coolness; extremely cool, apparently


ACT 3
 
Last edited:

bizness86

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Feb 27, 2008
Messages
293
I've kick-started Act 2 with Chapter 4, To Traverse Dreams. I introduce the transit system at work, as well as a rather 'sunny' and peculiar character. Short chapter; tomorrow I'll have to take an exam.

I enjoyed the description showoff (Yes, you are showing off) when you first wrote it. Reminds me of some of my old stories and giving me new insights of the worlds as well.

I actually think relinquish is ok, can't see any wrong from that.
No, I'm not showing off...when I first wrote this story, I was desperately trying to get constructive criticism, so that I could fix errors. Since barely no one wanted to read the story, I figured that it was too long and drawn. And by the look of it, even with revisions, it still needs work. That's not discouraging though.
Don't get me wrong, it was definitely an enjoyable read. But it would've been clearer without quite as much vocabulary.
Oh. I wasn't sure because there was not comment on the story content. I'll glad you enjoyed what you read.

I have a plan now; seeing as I actually want to continue progressing into this story, I'd feel deterred if I had to actually go back and revise those first three chapters (the hardest chapters to revise), Act 2 is done, and with the little time I had, I tried to dumb it down a little. I'll definitely take heed in these two Act 3 chapters which are in progress.

Enjoy Coffee,
bizness86
 
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Ip Man

IIIIZAAAAAYAAAAA
Joined
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3,126
I hate to see such talents being wasted on fan-fics.
 

Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
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Location
Some place I can peek from the dark.
Lolx. Wasted? Who knows, maybe he's composing the piece of century in his house, just waiting to be published! (Not this one) And after all, it's good training, you can't argue with that.
 

giuocob

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Nov 3, 2006
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33
Location
Cincinnati, OH
MUCH better. This story is a lot easier to read now. I really like the maxim-corrupting guy a lot. Say...this really reminds me of Dune, what with the monopolizing travel system. Were you inspired by that at all?

I hate to see such talents being wasted on fan-fics.

It's basically training mode. Fanfiction is a great way for someone to perfect their writing style, without having to worry about constructing characters or backstory. Every real writer moves past it sooner or later.
 

bizness86

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2008
Messages
293
Act 2 ends as quickly as it began. Chapter 5 is now up and ends Act 2. This act was nothing more than an introductory to a few characters and the overall mood. Act 3 is still in rewrite, so depending on how busy I'll be applying for work and signing up for classes, Act 3 may or may not make an appearance anytime soon.

I hate to see such talents being wasted on fan-fics.

Lolx. Wasted? Who knows, maybe he's composing the piece of century in his house, just waiting to be published! (Not this one) And after all, it's good training, you can't argue with that.

@first: Eh, if comments don't even try to pertain to the purpose of the topic, then it's pretty much considered spam. I don't want to read qualms about the genre. If it sucks, why does it sucks; if it needs improvement, what needs improvement; although it's a fan-fic, does it redeem fan-fics? The above comment is simply too bare. I'm glad that you think I have "talents", however.

inGeneral: Fan fictions are good training. Especially fics that attempt to go out of what has already been established in a universe. Staying consistent can be just as much of a challenge as being "original". It may help when writing sequels of an original story.
Unfortunately, I believe that this site will only see fan fic works posted by me. I don't intend to place anything original anywhere on the Internet until it gets published, and even then, it probably wouldn't be on the internet. The only hint at an original project I'm working on: It's so epic, I'll name it, "Epic".

MUCH better. This story is a lot easier to read now. I really like the maxim-corrupting guy a lot. Say...this really reminds me of Dune, what with the monopolizing travel system. Were you inspired by that at all?

It's basically training mode. Fanfiction is a great way for someone to perfect their writing style, without having to worry about constructing characters or backstory. Every real writer moves past it sooner or later.

Thanks. Java is a peculiar one, as you'll see in later chapters; through him in this first book, you'll really get to see an actual human-quality character.

Dune...I've neither read the book nor seen the movie. I'm so unEpic, and I suck genuinely :cool:. In all truth, the transit system is simply plot device for an RP I once tried. How else would the non-darkness protagonists travel from world-to-world...? As a matter of fact, this story is based on a RP I attempted to DM, and characters that RPed in other topics at a certain site. I'll explain more when I repost Jiminy's Journal. Though, I'll admit, it's intricate and elaborate as a plot device. I had to think of how the system came to be, would the initial reaction to system would be, would this system could help/harm the worlds, etc.

-

One more announcement, be on the lookout for a new Shines: Jiminy's Journal topic. I always have fun working with that topic. (I honestly do, but it's a pain to update). I've made a skeleton of the topic, and to say the least, I'll probably post in this SOYA:JJ more often.

Thanks for reading (although it's a fanfic, and all of those should burn in Hell:nahnah:); strictly,
Biznessz86
 

Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
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Some place I can peek from the dark.
Haha, I already guessed that kind of answer coming out of you. Just wondering when exactly you will make the post.

I've introduced your story to another writer. Not sure what the gender is (Lolz, I'm as clueless as ever. By the way bizness, are you a girl? :blink:), but I like what he/she could do.
 

bizness86

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2008
Messages
293
Contents
ACT 3, What’s the Hurry Little Lady?​
Chapter 6, There’s a Good Lass
Chapter 7, Stuck in a Rut
Chapter 8, Roar! Geeky Rebel
ACT 3

Chapter 6, There’s a Good Lass

play Traverse Town, KH: ReCOM​

The sea of floaters and seers were blurred figures underneath the dulled light of the street lamps. Behold Traverse Town—finely polished shiftlessness swathed in everlasting nightfall. The architecture of the drowsy district ascertained nothing less than the dexterity of an erstwhile carpenter.

Left of the World Gate, there stood a humble café which hid a set of candle-lit tables beneath its coddling veranda. The square lightly featured a modest attire of foliage, several dimly lit alleyways, and an awkward mailbox. A Goods and Item Shop sat outside of an alley entry, and the Accessory Shop sat beside it; the second story of the Accessory Shop served as a Moogle Synth Item Workshop. An entry to District Three was closed off by tape and bombarded with notices of Heartless sightings.

As the town’s hub, the First District served several sites of adequacy, and because of the Inter-World Travel System, the square’s activity has rapidly grown; as printed in Magic Kupo, the Grand Ambassador acknowledged Traverse Town as a site of historic importance as well as an indomitable stronghold for those made to start anew by the Darkness. Kupo Writer, Artemis wrote:
[…] Writing from the perspective of a moogle who helped hold down the fort in Traverse Town, kupo, I couldn’t help but to go, “Squee!—” along with every other backpacking, hope-driven person when our Grand Ambassador acknowledged our efforts. The transit system allowed refugees to go gain a fresh start. Hopefully, the recent flux of activity won’t drive the Traverse Town natives out. Traverse Town, for the win, kupo!
Much to the chagrin of Traverse Town’s previously lazy working class, the transit system brought an endless supply of clients. The site that received the most punishment as of late was the Goods Shop; there was a sale on crafted items and traveling wares, and leftover Silly Wigs were being given away to youngsters.

Amongst the flow, the Grand Ambassador shuffled towards the Goods and Item Shop. A face mostly recognized from television or newspaper, many had claimed to be diehard fans of his old-fashioned demeanor and occasional word of wisdom; an overwhelming majority simply admired his munny—he was considered one the richest men in the galaxy.

He was an older fellow, although he would attest to being “as spry as any spring duckling”; a black top hat dressed his slick white feathers, as well as a blue short-tail jacket with red hems. Over his bill lay a small pair of glasses, and around it, a cluster of graying feathers. Diamond cufflinks from glistened regally from each wrist as he confidently flaunted his sleek, ebony cane.

The Grand Ambassador sighed, finally reaching the modest entry. The door flung open, and out dashed a young woman buried by a green brimful sack.

“Da!” jumped the startled ambassador jumped.

“Da!” she mirrored his startle, and stumbled to an abrupt stop.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the old duck chuckled, holding the bag in front of her steady; he sighed in relief, “Heh heh…What’s the hurry little lady? You nearly put this ol’ duck outta his miseries.”

Abashed, she giggled; “So sorry, Grand Ambassador McDuck,” she apologized with the tiniest bow, struggling to tote her sack. Even with the lumpy sack hoisted against her chest and chin, the young woman maintained a tall and pleasant stance. Her poise was well complemented by a healthy build and her flushing skin tone. Her clothing was cozy—a snug white dress and a forest green glove on her left hand.

“Hm,” addressed Grand Ambassador McDuck, “I didn’t know you fancied archery?”

“Oh!” The woman smiled anxiously, referring to the bow and quiver strapped behind her; “Gii-san 1 used to make me practice all the time. I bought these today, and these—” she flaunted smooth, tan boots, “Enchanted Boots–they’re supposed to make you more agile—”

She flushed and apologized once more, “So sorry again, Ambassador McDuck. It’s just been so busy.”

“Heh—your fifth day here an’ you’re already catching the case of the Traverse Town funk,” Scrooge chortled heartily, “Hehe. No harm done…Just plum scared me outta my feathers, that’s all. No need for apologizing every four seconds.”

“I’m sorry Ambass…I mean, okay Ambassador Mc—”

“An’ please, y’met me last week; don’t vote against ditching the formalities….”

Sebrea sighed wearily and allowed a congenial smile, “Yes, Mr. Scrooge.”

“Now that’s more like it!” Scrooge jeered playfully; he casually prodded, “So…I imagine with all the hubbub of the transit system, you’ve been mulling over an escape plan tomorrow on your day off.”

Sebrea chuckled warmly.

“Wherever you’re high-tailing it to,” Scrooge exclaimed playfully, “take me with ya. This place is a madhouse!”

Both laughed lightly in unison while Scrooge shrugged and admitted, “Unfortunately, I can’t leave. If I don’t go around appreciating the value of a hard-earned dime, who will? What can I say? I enjoy watchin’ people make munny for me. Imagine that…”

“Well actually, Mr. Scrooge,” Sebrea replied, “I was just going to sit under the veranda,” nodding towards the café, “for a while. Were you about to check with Mr. Bentuk?”

“More or less,” Scrooge released with a remedial groan, “but what I’m really here for is one of those nifty Silly Wigs.”

“Oh!” Sebrea stressed, “Well, I won’t hold you any longer! They’re selling like nobody’s business! Only five munny! Free for kids.”

Sebrea’s excessive concern saw an airy chuckle from the restless duck, “Heh—you’re too much,” he complimented; “you’re not holding me back one bit; why, allowing old crow like me ta simmer down some may be just what the doctor ordered.”

“And besides Ms. Sebrea,” a light voice escaped from the Scrooge’s jacket collar, along with a tiny chartreuse figure. The pocket accomplice claimed the duck ambassador’s shoulder.

Dusting his coattails and miniature top hat thoroughly, he continued his protest, “we’re kind of on the lookout for Scrooge’s absent-minded nephew;” he digressed, “seriously! Disappearing at the last second…What’s gotten into that duck? At this rate, we’ll be late for sure…”

“Oh you mean little Donald?” Sebrea mentioned, “He came in early for a Silly Wig,” and giggled when recalling, “He got upset when Rose said that he was too old to get one for free. You may want to try for him in the second district, Ambassador Crick—.”

“Dhatt!—” the little ambassador shook a teasing finger at the young woman, “What did Scrooge just say about formalities—Jiminy Cricket’s as good as gold for me. No more “Ambassador Cricket”.”

“Okay, okay…Sheesh.” Sebrea sighed in humor; “Jiminy; Mr. Scrooge. Got it;” she tersely bobbed her head in departure, “Good luck finding little Donald.”

“Off with ya, lass!—” Scrooge shooed, “Enjoy your day off.”

“And remember—” Jiminy added, “Relaxation is the best medicine! All work and no play make for long faces and dreary eyes!”

Sebrea smiled warmly and parted for Geppetto’s Java, leaving the two gentlemen chatted amongst themselves at the Goods Shop door.

“Now there’s a good lass;” Scrooge commented to his companion as they trailed into the Item Shop, “so well-mannered.”

“Mm hmm,” Jiminy seconded; “Not to mention her good posture. Y’know, your nephew could learn a lot from someone like her—” the door shut behind the two.

1 Gii-san is Japanese. This roughly refers to an older person, usually respectfully. In this instance, Sebrea is referring to her grandfather. For future reference, Sebrea tends to converse using such references in her speech.



ACT 3

Chapter 7, Stuck in a Rut

play Traverse Town, KH: ReCOM​

Sebrea dreamily absorbed the warmly lit mood underneath the chipping veranda—the casual chitchat amongst the romantic mode. Sebrea considered her usual walk from the Goods Shop to Geppetto’s Java as her ten-minute break from reality. She had been in Traverse Town for five days, and each day thus far had consisted only of work and sleep. She found it fortunate that the owner of the café closed the shop for the day on important business.

She thought to herself as she drowsily waltzed beneath the cozy roof, …Maybe…if I fake sick, I’ll be able to have an extra day off…No…that would upset Offic—Mr. Lucky; he says that I’m the bartender that he can tolerate most…Huuu…Yep, if I don’t show up, I’d fear that Mr. Lucky would chase off little Pinnochio again—

‘Oof!’


Sebrea fell fast on her behind, and an explosion of color splattered from her bag. Reds, yellows, and greens—her pink toothbrush, and her seashells, and shimmering rocks and shards—all adorned the Traverse Town brick. She cringed as she sat up; the newborn pain shot up her spine to disagree with her already-aching back and bones. Discouraged, she gazed around groggily. Passersby paused to stare at her and her shortcoming.

“Sh*t!—” The girl on the ground in front of Sebrea hissed, rubbing her fingers through her short, snowy bangs, “Big *ss f*ckin’ bag!”

They pulled themselves up from the brick ground. Sebrea glanced over at the emptied bag, then to the girl’s flushing forehead, and submitted to the swelling in her chest.

“Are you ok—” she reached towards the girl.

The young lady with snow-blue hair tersely shoved her away, and writhed, “Watch it, floozy!”

The bystanders staggered once again to witness the belittling; Sebrea flushed with solemnity, and shivered from frustration. She peered into the girl’s face with grim silence as her response, and kneeled to refill her sack.

Heh…moxie, the khaki-wearing girl noted Sebrea; she smirked at the thought of goosebumps underneath her coat sleeves.

“So…” the young girl addressed with a mild tone, kneeling done to retrieve one of Sebrea’s Archery Monthly, “How old are you?”

Hesitantly, Sebrea replied with her toothbrush in hand, “Nineteen. My birthday was two weeks ago. What about you, little girl?”

Little…” the girl in the blue coat scoffed and chuckled Sebrea off, “Ha.—L-O-L 1 at this B-I-itch—” before answering half-earnestly, “I’m seventeen. Hardly liitle…”

“Oh…”

Both ladies faced one another reluctantly, the surplus of trinkets and items returned to there rightful place.

Sebrea mustered a half-smile and curtly bowed in gratitude, “Sorry—and thank you;” her voice trebled from disorientation, “Today was very busy…I should have paid—”

“Whatever lady—” The girl snapped, and then sighed in slight regret, “It’s—no biggie. Everything’s all “N-P” and sh*t…”

N-P?” Sebrea’s brow narrowed.

“…“No problem”…” The girl responded with slight awe, as if her explanation was a given.

“Oh!” Sebrea chuckled and released a small smile, “Instant Messenger. I’ve never actually met anyone who speaks chat speak outside of chat rooms.”

The lady with snow blue hair smirked and emphasized, “That’s cuz you’re a noob;” she gave Sebrea a shrewd glance from head to toe and discharged a slight scoffing chortle.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Uhh…”

“Okay…it’s not that chilly here, but still. That’s some pretty skimpy cosplay 2, missy. You s’pose to be some fairy child?”

Sebrea struggled to find a response, all the while her assailer continued to chide, “I mean, I’d think twice before showing off my knobby knees.”

The snow-haired brat snickered jeeringly and coolly skipped away.

Sebrea stood blushing, looking down at her exposed legs.

“Knobby?” She shrugged it off, and skulked over to the nearest vacant table. Sebrea plopped into the half-wobbly chair, and threw her sack down beside her. She relinquished the sigh which she had imprisoned for most of the day, and deeply admired the slowly melting candle that made the tabletop glow.

Hmm, she thought, it’s 4:30 now…I think I’ll call it a night around eight…I wonder what movies are playing in District Four…?

She stared longingly into the wick’s winding tendril, and asked herself, Why am I still her? I wish someone would help me…No…I must…I must do this on my own. Everyone else is worried about the next day of work, or how many pictures they can take of a silly mailbox, or bumming munny off Mr. Scrooge…Good job, good co-workers, good bargains…

Sebrea slowly shut her eyes, I miss Garage Island…I miss Gii-san…

She succumbed to the slumber of the perennial night.

1 ‘LOL’, perhaps the most recognizable chat term, refers to ‘laugh out loud’. This is an ‘obvious’. Forgive me.

2 Cosplay is a portmanteau of “costume” and “play” as is popular among the comic book, video game, and anime culture.




ACT 3

Chapter 8, Roar! Geeky Rebel


play Traverse Town, KH: ReCOM​

Gabrianna skipped while wearing a loose simper, fondling the wad of paper bills in her coat pocket.

Honey was definitely loaded, she thought comfortably, I thought I was well off finding that pork-ass on the bus, but ‘Fairy Girl’ over there was packin’ a pretty ‘leet 1 wallet if I do say so…one would wonder why she walks around half-naked, and let loose a small, envious scowl, with those big, clueless eyes, and that little plastic flower in her hair. Ugh! Prob’ly saving up to buy cosmetics or something…floozy…

Gabs skipped into a near barren room. Despite the slowly churning ceiling fan, the warmth of the previous comers and goers lingered about the dry shop lobby. Not much comprised the room—an outdated cash register atop the stalwart counter, the diverse array of merchandise on display via conservative shelves and splintery cupboards, and a second register behind the counter.

There were not many people at all within the stale foyer—two cashiers, a gruff greybeard and a perky pig-tailed blonde, manned the counter while a scrawny, suspendered young man with a large nose sat in a rocking chair beside the merchandise, nodding off into a hardback copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales. A slightly portly gentleman reluctantly patted the back of a mopping duck in a failing attempt at consolation. A sole customer stood wait at the counter, waited on by the pig-tailed blonde.

Gabrianna jutted vibrantly towards the gruff grey man at the counter; a variety of bruises and scars adorned his tanned skin, and his coarse tresses were uneven and mangled, as if ripped at by some fervent beast. Gabrianna’s met him with a cheek-stretching grin to which the cashier’s rough face responded with no definition, barring defined, high-raised cheekbones, and life-carved scrapes.

“Bentuk,” Gabs greeted, “my illegible chummy-chum! What’s good with you, dooogg?!”

The brash Bentuk eyed Gabrianna with sharp pupils.

Gabrianna prattled on, “Well, damn dude; I’d thought you would have had more dead-asses in here for the sale.”

“It’s called the top-o-the-hour drought,” Rose intercepted while seeing her customer off; she proceeding to satirize, “I figured you’d know that by now from other stores you go to and steal from.”

Gabs lost her grin, facing Rose with a blank face and a raised brow. “Cute…like your pig-tails,” Gabrianna smirked facetiously to which Rose scoffed. Gabs turned back to the hardened manager with a hard grin.

“You ain’t nothin’ but troublin’…” Bentuk growled.

Gabrianna’s sappy expression dropped instantaneously, replaced by agape, jaw-dropped stupor. She then acquired a smart-aleck smirk, and a cocked eyebrow, and attested with swagger, “I’m only as much ‘troublin’’ as people blame me for, Gramps.”

Gabs plopped both elbows onto the counter, and leaned in wait in front of the adamant cashier. Bentuk dug a hole into Gabrianna’s face with his eyes. She stared through him in wait for what she deemed the obvious. Silence ensued.

Gabrianna’s brows narrowed and her trademark scowl revisited as she pushed her way into Bentuk’s face and blurted, “So what, you gonna eye-f*ck me all day, Bentuk?!”

“Oh, he knows why you’re here,” Rose interjected sternly, “Yeah—Bentuk has told you time and time again that you couldn’t make orders here because you were too young. So, you had some pathetic, twenty-four-year-old perv-guy come in here and make an order in your name because you were too young—”

“Yeah…” Gabs addressed in an unimpressed tone, “and now I’m seventeen, like a couple of weeks ago; old enough to make and pick up orders here at the "Goody-Good Shop”."

“The order was finished since uh, like a couple of months ago; unless noticed by the client, Bentuk usually gets rid of pick-ups that aren’t picked up within three weeks after we inform the client that his or her order is ready, ‘kay? Be happy that your order’s still available for pick-up.”

Gabs shrugged, “I didn’t have the munny then.”

Rose questioned skeptically, “Oh, you have it now then?”

“Correct; I have it now,” Gabs simpered anxiously, “give the dog a bone.”

Rose scoffed and nipped, “Oh, so now, I can at least know that right now, somewhere, someone’s reaching into their pockets and finding nothing there.”

Gabrianna expelled a cross chortle, smiled curtly, and replied softly, “f*ck you, c*nt b*tch.”

Rose’s brows rose in anger, and out of shock, she repeated, “F*ck me, c*nt b*tch?!”

The duck in the corner and his accomplices turned to behold.

“Alright! Alright!” Bentuk intervened, disgusted, “Cease that shit ‘ere and now!”

Rose scoffed at her manager’s demand.

“Dirt-faced whore,” she hissed as she passed Bentuk and Gabrianna, and proceeded to storm out.

My comeback was better, Gabs thought as she smiled, goading, and snickered.

Bentuk screamed behind him, “Scottah!!”

The scrawny young man fidgeted out of his book.

Bentuk bellowed, “Order THREE HUND’D THIRDY-SIX!”

“Three, thirty…” Scotty mouthed, “How long ago was that ordered…?”

“NOW!”

After noticing Gabrianna, Scotty snorted and retrieved a lengthy item from the floor; the item was taller than its customer. Ivory cloth wrapped around its wide end, and draped most of the item but for the end of a tan pole.

“I wonder what’s eating her…” Jiminy chirped, almost carelessly, and was heard.

Gabrianna faced the chartreuse ambassador with a horrific glance, and her cryptic address jutted tersely from her tongue, “What—the—f*ck, does a half-inch cricket hope to gain from being a nosey, whiny-*ss—”

Bentuk grunted, almost throwing the item to the mouthy girl, as if to dismiss her all at once.

“Oh, my…” Jiminy exhaled, shivering.

“Happy?—” Bentuk’s query excreted from an abhorred scowl.

Gabs unraveled her package and beheld the poled blade, finely cut mythril that bore an edged prong from the blade side.

“Hells yeah, I’m happy,” Gabs beamed in admiration as she hugged the pole and spoke softly to herself, “the Mythril Spear—plenty of *sses will be handed to their respected *ss-mongers with this baby!—” she rewrapped the spear, faced Bentuk, and waved with a cute smile, “Thankies, Bentuk… bye now;” she proceeded out with a skip, only to stop dead in her tracks to the cracking of Bentuk’s knuckles. She eased into a cheeky grin as she turned to face him.

“What’s the hurry lil’ lady?—” Bentuk sternly affirmed as the register chimed, “That’ll be two thousan’ sixy munny wit’ that discount that you waited two ana’ half months for.”

“Oh, boo,” Gabrianna taunted as she approached his counter with munny in hand.

“Prob’ly stole th’munnies ta buy this…” Bentuk grumbled.

Gabs scoffed as she proceeded out, “That’s rather ungrateful! Be happy I paid for it…!” and then noticed the older duck, the cricket, and their company eyeing her skeptically.

She addressed, in an obvious tone, “Uh, can I help you?”

Bang!—’ the room quivered beneath Bentuk’s fists as they slammed onto the counter.

“Uh…” Gabrianna swallowed her impending fear and addressed Jiminy with a brisk, trembling voice, “sorry, cricket dude. You’re not a nosey, whiny—”

“OUT!—” Bentuk wailed at the top of his lungs.

Gabrianna hugged her Mythril Spear once more, and with two upraised fingers, Gabs abruptly concluded, “Geeky Rebel, out!” She dashed for the exit.

1 The term ‘leet’ often refers to Leetspeak, and is derived from the word, “elite”. In this case, the term is used as an adjective, to primarily indicate an expertise, or something of top-notch rank or quality.

ACT 3
 
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bizness86

New member
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Feb 27, 2008
Messages
293
[size=+1]Pop Quiz[/size]
Humor me...​

At my discretion, I'll give rep to the first two posters who can do 1 of the following:
  • Elaborately discuss and/or summarize Chapter 6 using your own words.
  • Mention at least one issue, aspect, or element in this chapter that you deem passable, plausible, or worthy, and explain what makes this element passable. Suggest ways to improve. Along with this option, you may add at least one element that you deem lacking, poorly done, or unnecessary, and again explain what makes this element lacking. Suggest ways to improve.
  • List your favorite chapter so far, and give two legitimate reasons why. Recall that I give rep at my discretion :p
  • Ask a question pertaining to any SOYA chapter, character, or concept. The question must be over 30 characters and must consist completely of words, proper grammar, and commonly accepted acronyms or 'speek'.

preConditions: This must happen within the next three posts.

____

W'sup, w'sup! First new business: Jiminy's Journal is up! Check out the SOYA juicy bits. It'd get updated constantly. So this is reason enough to be on the lookout. A link is in my sig; click the one under "Rewrite".

Act 3 has made it's dramatic entrance in the form of Chapter 6, There's a Good Lass. Of course (you guessed it) there's more character introductions! Gotta love those characters...This is a transitional chapter; I use this chapter to get 'in-character' with some of the characters that may be seen later on. The next chapters will be post shortly, and as a small treat, I'll mention that along with the next act, the next rewrite I'll work on is actually a bit of filler. Without saying, this filler is mere characterization, but I introduce an interesting group of characters.

Act 3 will acquaint you with the ladies of SOYA and the following act brings you back to an interesting character we left in the parking lot. Top that off with the filler, and I'm sure that you all have something to look forward to!

Staying bizzy (busy),
bizness86
 

Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
Joined
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... Well, I don't really mind making myself a fool these days, cause if I don't try I'll really be one heck of a duck in front of anyone, so here goes nothing.

Chapter 6 is mostly about introducing the two new characters (Although they're not to me of course), Sebrea and Scrooge. Jiminy is also one of the characters, but since there wasn't much talk about him, we merely know him as an Ambassador.

Through Scrooge and Sebrea's conversation, we could get a good glimpse (And maybe to some, a stare) about Traverse Town. They described the place quite well indeed: To Scrooge, Traverse Town is a indomitable stronghold for those made to start anew by the Darkness. And from Sebreas speech, we could imagine just how busy the entire place is, although that's completely untrue in the game (Har Har), as she said 'a madhouse'.

I'm not sure what you mean by element, though. I'll just... guess my answers.

Issues in this chapter that I deem great is the conversation. It is so fluent, so natural with that little edge of humor added, and classic (Refers to 'sorry') that it gave life to the characters.

If I must say, the only weaker part of this chapter is Scrooge's character. He's a bit too wise, described as someone too old when he's still 'uncle' age, and his greed level fell below expectations. Everyone knows that Scrooge would screw every last penny of yours (legally though, or else everyone in Disney world would be done) through his money making scheme. He just doesn't seem that kind of guy from your description.

Improve? Start reading Donald Duck comics, LOL! I mean, for real, there's quite a few stories that involves Scrooge in Donald Duck comics.

And about my favourite chapter. At first I wanted to pick Chapter 1, as it resembles the reborn of your writing skills on battles, but after some thoughts I'm picking Chapter 2, Crusade. First reason that I liked it is because it's about a battle between two beliefs. One about science and one about Gods. Curiously enough, none of the are right, both are twisted and wicked in their respective ways. Kinda like the war between religions in our world.

Second reason is that it give glimpses about the dark side of humanity, some answers about this Av (Or whatever, what do you mean by Av actually?), power of Darkness, and the solving of one mystery. For some reason I just wanna state this: I like your muscles (Literature-ly)

About the question, I would like to ask about Java. He never seems to sleep does he? Would you describe how he sleeps when he cannot take the exhaustion anymore? Is he a fighter of some sort? And does he race Gummi Ships? Don't tell me you've never thought about Gummi Races, everyone has the need for speed.

Exhausting pop quiz, this is. But is it a succesful crusade? Or a doomed carcass?
 

bizness86

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Joined
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Hey faithful readers, and people who read this while signed in anonymously!
Chapter 7 is up!--Stuck in a Rut. This is fairly short, but we have two focal characters interact for the first time. I'd like to note that some of you may recall the concepts for Chapters 6 and 7 used to be rolled up in one chapter. I think I did well by separating this. Be aware that one more person can gain rep by trying one of the choices on the Pop Quiz. It's free rep!

Let's do,
bizness86

Fiddles...I'm late....

>o< Pop quiz?! Too early in the morning, besides I bet Xuan nailed it :D And my analysis skillz are bad >>;

This was the place to practice you analysis skills. And you weren't late.
"At my discretion, I'll give rep to the first two posters who can do 1 of the following..."​

and the condition was that it had to be done within the next three post (excluding any posts that I make), so there's at least one more opportunity for someone to put forth some effort and get rep.

... Well, I don't really mind making myself a fool these days, cause if I don't try I'll really be one heck of a duck in front of anyone, so here goes nothing.
Dude...you could have only done one of the choices, but I commend your effort and genuine interest.

Chapter 6 is mostly about introducing the two new characters (Although they're not to me of course), Sebrea and Scrooge. Jiminy is also one of the characters, but since there wasn't much talk about him, we merely know him as an Ambassador.

Through Scrooge and Sebrea's conversation, we could get a good glimpse (And maybe to some, a stare) about Traverse Town. They described the place quite well indeed: To Scrooge, Traverse Town is a indomitable stronghold for those made to start anew by the Darkness. And from Sebreas speech, we could imagine just how busy the entire place is, although that's completely untrue in the game (Har Har), as she said 'a madhouse'.
You did well in your summary. We actually see our first returning recurring characters in Scrooge and Jiminy, and we meet another focal character in Sebrea.

Through the conversation we get a feel for the duties of Scrooge's role as Grand Ambassador. He can pretty much be seen as a supervisor of worldly affairs. You can also surmise that he is particularly involved with the business of Traverse Town; he confirms this by stated that he enjoys people making munny for him. Perhaps he is the financial consultant or source that keeps Traverse Town businesses running...

...And Scrooge called it a madhouse...[/vainpointlesscorrection]

Issues in this chapter that I deem great is the conversation. It is so fluent, so natural with that little edge of humor added, and classic (Refers to 'sorry') that it gave life to the characters.

I love my characters :D, and my conversations. Just wait until next chapter!

If I must say, the only weaker part of this chapter is Scrooge's character. He's a bit too wise, described as someone too old when he's still 'uncle' age, and his greed level fell below expectations. Everyone knows that Scrooge would screw every last penny of yours (legally though, or else everyone in Disney world would be done) through his money making scheme. He just doesn't seem that kind of guy from your description.

Improve? Start reading Donald Duck comics, LOL! I mean, for real, there's quite a few stories that involves Scrooge in Donald Duck comics.

You actually may be right; his age is varying. If I had to determine the arbitrary ages of him as his nephews: The three boys would be forever 8 or 9 years old. Donald would be somewhere in his early to mid-twenties. That would make Scrooge any age between late thirties to late forties. Unless there are ages of the characters somewhere online.

I'm pretty frugal about trying to keep canonical characters consistent. I used several YouTube vid to warm-up, two being these: 1 and 2.

I know which Scrooge you're referring to: The Scrooge that will sell his own Ma before he spends his lucky dime. The Scrooge that won't hesitate to give Donald a good whack for bad mouthing him. But all and all, Scrooge isn't that bad. He's only a skeptic when you refer to his money. And you'd also have to consider the universe which he's in. For one, he has already been introduced in Kingdom Hearts, of whom continuity for the most precedes all others in this story. He seemed a little more good hearted.

You see more of Scrooge's traits. He shows up in later chapters, and then you may see things that you expect out of the richest duck in Duckberg.

And about my favourite chapter. At first I wanted to pick Chapter 1, as it resembles the reborn of your writing skills on battles, but after some thoughts I'm picking Chapter 2, Crusade. First reason that I liked it is because it's about a battle between two beliefs. One about science and one about Gods. Curiously enough, none of the are right, both are twisted and wicked in their respective ways. Kinda like the war between religions in our world.

Second reason is that it give glimpses about the dark side of humanity, some answers about this Av (Or whatever, what do you mean by Av actually?), power of Darkness, and the solving of one mystery. For some reason I just wanna state this: I like your muscles (Literature-ly)

I'm glad you liked Crusade. That was a different chapter for me to write, mainly because it was mostly written in the first-person. Those who may have thought that Hyuda was an archetypical hero, really get to see his conceit and selfishness. Whereas, even the man of science Avonej can't see the logic behind his motives.

...Av____ was Avonej's name bleeped out.

'I like your'...oh. Ha ha...Ha ha...literaturely as opposed to literally. Comical Genius...! -_-

About the question, I would like to ask about Java. He never seems to sleep does he? Would you describe how he sleeps when he cannot take the exhaustion anymore? Is he a fighter of some sort? And does he race Gummi Ships? Don't tell me you've never thought about Gummi Races, everyone has the need for speed.

Exhausting pop quiz, this is. But is it a succesful crusade? Or a doomed carcass?

Java...of course Java sleeps. Java bullshits a lot. Don't trust shit he says...Java's an ass. Heh, yeah, though he doesn't sleep much, he's prone to catnaps. Expect him to average around 10 to 13 hours at week.

Is he a fighter? To clarify, there will be Villains in this story...eventually. So, being a focal character in the series, one can only surmise whether Java can actually 'back his bark'.

Gummi races...Now you're just trying to foreshadow, aren't you. Actually he doesn't. His ship kinda sucks in terms of speed. It's more like an "Ol' Reliable."

Exhausting...you made it exhausting for yourself. Awesome effort; that's what helps writers improve, both in writing and reading. Rep goes to you. I'll try to remember to rep you again for you effort after I rep enough people.
 
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Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
Joined
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Location
Some place I can peek from the dark.
Of course there's villains in this story, no matter how you try to avoid.

I've just realised I missed the '1 of the following' part after rereading twice. I mean, wow, even though you've already told me in your PM...

...

...
 

Silent Avera

Night Pirate Graphic Lemonade Maker
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Somewhere only we know~
Ah, just finished chapter 7, and I can honestly say, I wanted to smack the "snow haired brat". That snobbish attitude really gets my goat. But ah, the ambience of yearning bekons a calm silence that allows us to remember subtle memories.....^_^ I liked this chapter; very nice Biz :D
 
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