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Aww, ok 
Have a good time on your holiday!
Have a good time on your holiday!
Fanfiction ► rikus love...
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okay there wonjt be one for a long time so sorry ^.^
SH! I'm really liking the story. ^.^ Keep it up. I'll just wait now.. >.>
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*waits patiently for the next chappy*
Good to have you back, Sorasheart!
Good to have you back, Sorasheart!
I love your story! The romance between Riku and Jasimine is sooo cute. Hope an update is soon.
okiay im back from curise i have one bad tan! hah eat your heart out guys! but there will be a new chappy tonite! but i have to read everyones else !
I've only read the very beginning and the last chapter, and I'm gonna give you critique based on them.
Homophones: If and when you use a word that has different meanings when said aloud (like there, they're, their) then look them up in the dictionary. Find the word with the meaning you want to use, and put that one, don't try to guess.
Quotation marks: You don't have to put a space between the beginning or end of a sentence. i.e., "Where are you going?" No space is needed in between quotation marks, just outside of them.
Other Punctuation: If a sentence has a pause in it, use a comma. i.e., "Look, I know you know." And if someone is yelling, all you have to do is put an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence, and/or put in that they yell. i.e., "Go away!", she yelled. Also, if there is a conjunction word, like I'm, they're, it's, they stand for two words, I am, they are, it is, then put an apostrophe in them. i.e., "I'm not, it's their fault! They're the ones to blame!"
Spelling: If you have a MSN, AOL, or Yahoo account, then copy your chapters and paste them there. Use the spellcheck feature on there, then copy that and paste them here. There are many sites that support the spellcheck feature, and you don't have an excuse for not using it. But even if you do spell check it, re-read the chapter to make sure that spellcheck didn't miss anything, because it often does.
Char. thoughts: If your character asks themselves a question that they don't immediately answer, it's probably better to put an elipse (the '...') after the question but before the question mark.
i.e., "Did he just...?" "Did we just...?"
And don't forget to put punctuation at the end of EVERY sentence. Remember, EVERY sentence counts, not just the dialogue. Hope you find this helpful, kid.
Homophones: If and when you use a word that has different meanings when said aloud (like there, they're, their) then look them up in the dictionary. Find the word with the meaning you want to use, and put that one, don't try to guess.
Quotation marks: You don't have to put a space between the beginning or end of a sentence. i.e., "Where are you going?" No space is needed in between quotation marks, just outside of them.
Other Punctuation: If a sentence has a pause in it, use a comma. i.e., "Look, I know you know." And if someone is yelling, all you have to do is put an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence, and/or put in that they yell. i.e., "Go away!", she yelled. Also, if there is a conjunction word, like I'm, they're, it's, they stand for two words, I am, they are, it is, then put an apostrophe in them. i.e., "I'm not, it's their fault! They're the ones to blame!"
Spelling: If you have a MSN, AOL, or Yahoo account, then copy your chapters and paste them there. Use the spellcheck feature on there, then copy that and paste them here. There are many sites that support the spellcheck feature, and you don't have an excuse for not using it. But even if you do spell check it, re-read the chapter to make sure that spellcheck didn't miss anything, because it often does.
Char. thoughts: If your character asks themselves a question that they don't immediately answer, it's probably better to put an elipse (the '...') after the question but before the question mark.
i.e., "Did he just...?" "Did we just...?"
And don't forget to put punctuation at the end of EVERY sentence. Remember, EVERY sentence counts, not just the dialogue. Hope you find this helpful, kid.
>> why the hell do i care i really dont need a grammer lesson i know i suck at spelling but i practice >> 2nd i write it on word perfect and then i do spell check and grammer. 3rd i know your trying to help but i perfer to be alone thank you and besides i have ppl who like it and if i have fans i keep writting. dont call me kid >>
sorasheart281 said:
In actuality, you do need a grammar lesson, and EVERYONE sucks at spelling, but you'll get better at it, and that was one of the least problems I saw. You may do spellcheck and grammar check (didn't know that one exsisted. >.<) but as I said, that doesn't always necessarily work. And I don't care if you don't want help, 'cause I'm going to try and help you anyways. Everyone can improve, nobody's perfect, and refusing help is only showing your unnecessary pride and ignorance. And your readers don't mind because it's simple and doesn't require to much interpretation in comparison with other fics out there. It shows laziness on their part, though that's not meant in ridicule. I just realize you have talent, and you could do better. :\
Sterling_Silver said:
talent.......... i well check on that. i do right short stories but i dont post them (some our from my past) but i have had people read them and they say i do have " talent" but i just need work on grammer. trust me i get that ALOT but im use to it... i do it for fun and for my mind to get away from everything some where i can be myself so i express myslef throught wrighting. but i do this for fun and for fun only... but thank you for your concer
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Fix your grammar and writing. Don't spell like you would in a chat room or how you would in instant messaging. Fix that, and give the story more depth.
I know, we all do it for fun. I was only suggesting a few thing to improve on your grammar, 'cause good grammar gets fans like flies to honey. Or bees to honey. Whatever, you know? And we all like to be praised for what we do naturally. ;D
Last edited:
Sterling_Silver said:
point taken.....and it is bees to honey....i had to clear that up sorry!
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So, um... anyway...
Great to see you back. Hope you update soon ^-^
Great to see you back. Hope you update soon ^-^
probely tonite i dont know i havent slept in a long time and im still sawen from the seas >> i hate cruise's but it might be tonite i just dont know
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Ok Hope you had a great time. I hope you didn't get seasick either, would ruin your cruise.
Take your time
Hope you had a great time. I hope you didn't get seasick either, would ruin your cruise.Take your time
Okay I know I haven’t updated in weeks...so sue me. It’s my bad I know. But now its here and this is one of last maybe even last chapter it just depends until my hand hurts of typing. Rikus love chapter 19...I think.
The next couple of days were just hanging out. With everyone at the castle. I even made new friends! As we said our goodbyes to the king we all promised to at least write. For the next 3 hours flight in the ship we made it to my new home. It was quite beautiful. The flowers were just in bloom and everything had a new smell. The flowers them self’s were different from what I have seen. The house was just small like any other I have seen but they had more color to them. When we made it to my new house the boys said they would come the next day and help paint and move stuff. My new parent was very kind man and took very good care of Kairi.
The next day the boys came around nine in the morning. They helped us all the way till six at night. The room was very big and we painted it a dark blue. Like the nights sky. It was perfect for the both of us. The mayor even helped me get new furniture. After all the work the boys said there was going to be a big bond fire later that night so I can meet the rest of the kids and just hang out.
“So what a you say? Do you want to go? “Asked Kairi.
“Why not, besides at least I can meet more people.” I said happily.
“Okay so we well pick you guys up at 9:00 to night?” asked Riku.
“Uh sure.” I said with a little dumbness in my mouth.
So was this going to be a date? Wow I have a date I was screaming in my head. Holy cow! Okay relax girl, keep cool.
Once the boys left kairi and I got to work. Showers, makeup, of its, and all that jazz. The boys picked us up right on time, both were dressed down. We on the other hand wore a black skirt and a black halter top to match with it and for Kai a pink shirt and jeans.
“Ready?” they asked in unison
We nodded and we were off. We walked to the beach while Kai and Sora walked a head of us giving us alone time witch made me even more nervous. We made it to the end of the beach but no one was around. It was empty. I was starting to wonder if there was even a party.
“Come on we have to go to the rafts.” Yelled Sors.
SMACK.
“No needs to yell were all right in front of you.” Yelled Kai in aggravation.
“My bad.” Said sora grinning and rubbing the back of his bruised head.
Riku and sora helped us get into a small boat named the “high wind.” It was a short ride to the shore witch I could see the fire being built and lit. Some kids were in the water and others were talking and standing around.
We made it to the shore and there were other boats around the shore as well. We walked to the other end and we could see Tidus, Wakka, and Slephie talking with another girl. She was tall and had long blond hair and dark green eyes. Wakka seemed to be drooling and stareing at her. It was very creepy. They turned from there conversation and greeted us.
“Hi, my name is Amanda.” Said the blonde girl
“It’s nice to meet you I’m Jasmine.” I spoke first.
“Good to see you again, Amanda. “Said Kai
“Same here.” She said.
For the next hour we sat around the fire, and just talked. We were all telling are tales of when we meet and what fallowed after, from everything to Riku and me kissing for the first time, all the way to me being kidnapped. Everyone seemed to be inserted in my story and what had happened. Some of the stuff brought back the memories and made me wish it could happen again, just for the sake of it.
“Sora how is you forum training going?” Wakka asked.
“Fine but im still trying to figure out how to stay longer in some of my drives.” He said laughing. (A/N I know some spoilers my bad I had to.)
“Jasimen that reminds me do you know any forums?” asked Sora.
That question made me froze with fear. My heart seemed to go faster, they didn’t know of my past and what my “powers” can do. I couldn’t let them know. If they found out I was doomed, they would hate me with all there hearts. I started to feel my muscle tense. But I soon felt strong arms wrap around me I knew who it was but I really didn’t want to face him not now, anyways.
He whispered into my ear. “Why are you so scared?” he asked.
“I can’t tell you, if I did you would all hate me.” I whispered.
“We won’t besides how can I? I love you reamber?” He spoke louder.
I looked around and they all had smiles on there faces. The next thing I knew I relaxed. He had a point. And there were going to find out sooner our later. Might as well get it over and not let them find out when im in that “forum”.
“It’s called Angels Tears.” I spoke after some minutes.
“This is not any normal thing; it comes only when I’m in rage. It changes me takes over me, and everything that I hold. I can’t stop it, trust me I have tried, but it’s not use. My weapons change to the keyblade’s known as the black heart and Angels wings. My body changes as well, making me go black. This has only happened once. Right before Riku found me in the woods.” I turned to see his face and could tell he was not scared and want me to go on.
“I was walking in the woods when all out of nowhere Saix came. He had a smirk on his face. And had the nerve to talk to me.”
~Flashback~
“Why hello princess.” He spoke coldly.
“I don’t want anything to do with you leave me alone our you well regret it.” I spoke with cold and rage starting to boil up in my voice.
“maybe I should be with you, just in case you know want to become one of us.” He asked
“Like I said before and I well say it again NO!” I growled. Summing my key blades at once.
“So you want to dance well I will have to give you what you want.” He said the next thing I saw he came at me with amazing speed and gave me the first blow. I flew all the way to the other end of our small arena. I got up and went for him hitting him and dodging every attack he threw. We stopped to take a couple of breaths after some minutes.
“You are worth less.” He spoke between breaths.
“You can’t even fight, you are no one, and just some girl playing “fighter” face it no one well ever love you. That’s why you parents are dead. That’s why you are alone. You well amount to NOTHING.” He laughed.
That was the last straw, every word that came out of his mouth. I waned to kill him and make him take it all back. I would do anything to kill him. That’s when I felt myself to left in the air. Blackness stared to fill my eyes; my heart became cold as ice. My heart was racing a mile a minute. My clothes were soon to become darker. A very short Minnie skirt with long black high heals shoes. My shirt was a halter top showing a lot of belly. And then to cream the perfect top of forum was two new keyblades. One was a long black one with a heart as the handle. The other was a white one with angel wings as the handle. After my change was done I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“Angel tears.”
I fell to the ground and charged right at him. I hit him first this time around sending him flying. He got up as quick as he could but he was not fast enough. I bashed him back to the ground and kept doing it until; he had a chance to roll away from me. He hit me in the back but it didn’t do too much damage. He kept hitting and hitting but I easily dodge them. It was if I could predict his attack before it came to me. I finally got him but when he flew and hit the ground he disappeared. Making a path for him to escape. When he was gone I fell to the ground panting begging for air.
Then I was out like a light.
~end of flash back~
“The next thing I knew Riku was over me, looking.” I spoke softly.
Everyone was quite not evening daring to speak. I could fell tears falling down. I didn’t care. Riku kept his arms warped around me holding me and speaking calming words although it was hard to look at him. Kai was the first one to break the silence.
“We don’t hate you, like you said you can’t control it, but we still love you no matter what.” She said with a big smile.
I looked over her like she was nuts.
“Its true we love you just the way you are.” Spoke Sora.
“And I well always love you for you.” Spoke Riku
“Im sorry I never told you guys, but the king does know of this, he said I won’t be able to stop it when it comes around. So brace yourself when I become of that.” I said laughing now.
Riku hugged me and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. After some time Kai spoke.
“So well you hurt us if this happens again?” she asked
“I don’t know but I think I well be able to control who I hurt when this happens. But if I do im going to say sorry ahead of myself.” I spoke with little sound but they could still hear.
After a couple of hours later we went home. No one spoke more about that anymore. It was nice to tell my dark secret when I have been wanting to after quite sometime.
That night I slept soundly in along time but before I went to sleep. I thought about what had happened and if they do see me when I come to me real “powers” will I be able to control not hurting them?
~~~~~~
Tis the end of chapter 19 I think enjoy! I would like comments!
The next couple of days were just hanging out. With everyone at the castle. I even made new friends! As we said our goodbyes to the king we all promised to at least write. For the next 3 hours flight in the ship we made it to my new home. It was quite beautiful. The flowers were just in bloom and everything had a new smell. The flowers them self’s were different from what I have seen. The house was just small like any other I have seen but they had more color to them. When we made it to my new house the boys said they would come the next day and help paint and move stuff. My new parent was very kind man and took very good care of Kairi.
The next day the boys came around nine in the morning. They helped us all the way till six at night. The room was very big and we painted it a dark blue. Like the nights sky. It was perfect for the both of us. The mayor even helped me get new furniture. After all the work the boys said there was going to be a big bond fire later that night so I can meet the rest of the kids and just hang out.
“So what a you say? Do you want to go? “Asked Kairi.
“Why not, besides at least I can meet more people.” I said happily.
“Okay so we well pick you guys up at 9:00 to night?” asked Riku.
“Uh sure.” I said with a little dumbness in my mouth.
So was this going to be a date? Wow I have a date I was screaming in my head. Holy cow! Okay relax girl, keep cool.
Once the boys left kairi and I got to work. Showers, makeup, of its, and all that jazz. The boys picked us up right on time, both were dressed down. We on the other hand wore a black skirt and a black halter top to match with it and for Kai a pink shirt and jeans.
“Ready?” they asked in unison
We nodded and we were off. We walked to the beach while Kai and Sora walked a head of us giving us alone time witch made me even more nervous. We made it to the end of the beach but no one was around. It was empty. I was starting to wonder if there was even a party.
“Come on we have to go to the rafts.” Yelled Sors.
SMACK.
“No needs to yell were all right in front of you.” Yelled Kai in aggravation.
“My bad.” Said sora grinning and rubbing the back of his bruised head.
Riku and sora helped us get into a small boat named the “high wind.” It was a short ride to the shore witch I could see the fire being built and lit. Some kids were in the water and others were talking and standing around.
We made it to the shore and there were other boats around the shore as well. We walked to the other end and we could see Tidus, Wakka, and Slephie talking with another girl. She was tall and had long blond hair and dark green eyes. Wakka seemed to be drooling and stareing at her. It was very creepy. They turned from there conversation and greeted us.
“Hi, my name is Amanda.” Said the blonde girl
“It’s nice to meet you I’m Jasmine.” I spoke first.
“Good to see you again, Amanda. “Said Kai
“Same here.” She said.
For the next hour we sat around the fire, and just talked. We were all telling are tales of when we meet and what fallowed after, from everything to Riku and me kissing for the first time, all the way to me being kidnapped. Everyone seemed to be inserted in my story and what had happened. Some of the stuff brought back the memories and made me wish it could happen again, just for the sake of it.
“Sora how is you forum training going?” Wakka asked.
“Fine but im still trying to figure out how to stay longer in some of my drives.” He said laughing. (A/N I know some spoilers my bad I had to.)
“Jasimen that reminds me do you know any forums?” asked Sora.
That question made me froze with fear. My heart seemed to go faster, they didn’t know of my past and what my “powers” can do. I couldn’t let them know. If they found out I was doomed, they would hate me with all there hearts. I started to feel my muscle tense. But I soon felt strong arms wrap around me I knew who it was but I really didn’t want to face him not now, anyways.
He whispered into my ear. “Why are you so scared?” he asked.
“I can’t tell you, if I did you would all hate me.” I whispered.
“We won’t besides how can I? I love you reamber?” He spoke louder.
I looked around and they all had smiles on there faces. The next thing I knew I relaxed. He had a point. And there were going to find out sooner our later. Might as well get it over and not let them find out when im in that “forum”.
“It’s called Angels Tears.” I spoke after some minutes.
“This is not any normal thing; it comes only when I’m in rage. It changes me takes over me, and everything that I hold. I can’t stop it, trust me I have tried, but it’s not use. My weapons change to the keyblade’s known as the black heart and Angels wings. My body changes as well, making me go black. This has only happened once. Right before Riku found me in the woods.” I turned to see his face and could tell he was not scared and want me to go on.
“I was walking in the woods when all out of nowhere Saix came. He had a smirk on his face. And had the nerve to talk to me.”
~Flashback~
“Why hello princess.” He spoke coldly.
“I don’t want anything to do with you leave me alone our you well regret it.” I spoke with cold and rage starting to boil up in my voice.
“maybe I should be with you, just in case you know want to become one of us.” He asked
“Like I said before and I well say it again NO!” I growled. Summing my key blades at once.
“So you want to dance well I will have to give you what you want.” He said the next thing I saw he came at me with amazing speed and gave me the first blow. I flew all the way to the other end of our small arena. I got up and went for him hitting him and dodging every attack he threw. We stopped to take a couple of breaths after some minutes.
“You are worth less.” He spoke between breaths.
“You can’t even fight, you are no one, and just some girl playing “fighter” face it no one well ever love you. That’s why you parents are dead. That’s why you are alone. You well amount to NOTHING.” He laughed.
That was the last straw, every word that came out of his mouth. I waned to kill him and make him take it all back. I would do anything to kill him. That’s when I felt myself to left in the air. Blackness stared to fill my eyes; my heart became cold as ice. My heart was racing a mile a minute. My clothes were soon to become darker. A very short Minnie skirt with long black high heals shoes. My shirt was a halter top showing a lot of belly. And then to cream the perfect top of forum was two new keyblades. One was a long black one with a heart as the handle. The other was a white one with angel wings as the handle. After my change was done I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“Angel tears.”
I fell to the ground and charged right at him. I hit him first this time around sending him flying. He got up as quick as he could but he was not fast enough. I bashed him back to the ground and kept doing it until; he had a chance to roll away from me. He hit me in the back but it didn’t do too much damage. He kept hitting and hitting but I easily dodge them. It was if I could predict his attack before it came to me. I finally got him but when he flew and hit the ground he disappeared. Making a path for him to escape. When he was gone I fell to the ground panting begging for air.
Then I was out like a light.
~end of flash back~
“The next thing I knew Riku was over me, looking.” I spoke softly.
Everyone was quite not evening daring to speak. I could fell tears falling down. I didn’t care. Riku kept his arms warped around me holding me and speaking calming words although it was hard to look at him. Kai was the first one to break the silence.
“We don’t hate you, like you said you can’t control it, but we still love you no matter what.” She said with a big smile.
I looked over her like she was nuts.
“Its true we love you just the way you are.” Spoke Sora.
“And I well always love you for you.” Spoke Riku
“Im sorry I never told you guys, but the king does know of this, he said I won’t be able to stop it when it comes around. So brace yourself when I become of that.” I said laughing now.
Riku hugged me and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. After some time Kai spoke.
“So well you hurt us if this happens again?” she asked
“I don’t know but I think I well be able to control who I hurt when this happens. But if I do im going to say sorry ahead of myself.” I spoke with little sound but they could still hear.
After a couple of hours later we went home. No one spoke more about that anymore. It was nice to tell my dark secret when I have been wanting to after quite sometime.
That night I slept soundly in along time but before I went to sleep. I thought about what had happened and if they do see me when I come to me real “powers” will I be able to control not hurting them?
~~~~~~
Tis the end of chapter 19 I think enjoy! I would like comments!
I love it. I like the whole thing. Keep writing some more. =D
Nothing bad I coule say about it. Just that I like it.
Nothing bad I coule say about it. Just that I like it.
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It's great. Especially the grammar, it has really improved ^-^
Keep writing, the fic is getting better and better!
Keep writing, the fic is getting better and better!
wow snow dog thats a first from anyone......thankes i hope to have new chapter up buy tonight.
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