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Fanfiction ► Return of the Cloaked Schemer Pt. 1: The World That Never Was



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Swag

Young King
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Chapter 1: Eve of The Return


The room was Silent. Not a sound could be heard echoing throughout the room, only the faint whisper of someone breathing and the melodious *Tick Tock* of the clock high upon the wall. The walls were white. Everything in the entire room was painted white like ivory, so white that it seemed as if it was snowing inside the room. The chair was black. In the exact center of the room sat a large black wingback chair. The chair looked like it was decades old, probably having stood in that exact same spot for years. His cloak was black. In the chair sat a man in a black robe, His cloak had a hood but it was not on top of the man's head. Only one of hie eyes was visible, his long purple bangs covering the other. The once and future King. The words "The once and Future King" were printed in bold letter on the front cover of the book the man was reading. As he turned the page he saw that he was nearly finished with the book, again. The once and Future King, His cloak was black, The chair was black, The walls were white, The room was silent... and the time for his return had nearly come.

Well this is my 2nd stab at trying to write a Fan-Fic, I hope you all like it :^) By the way, I'm a HUGE fan or pyromaniac Axel and Keyblade wars: Aftermath so it'd be really great if the authors of those could provide some constructive criticism or something.
 
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witchprincess

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Um, how do I say this? Ah,yes... What's not to like? Honestly, I have never seen the likes of this type of writing before and now I wonder why. I personally think I sound extremely cheesy and pathetic everytime when I compliment someone like this, but that's the only way I know to get my point across in some situations.


Keep going. :)
 

Swag

Young King
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Chapter 2: Phase 1: the little king


"The time has nearly come." said the man in the black cloak, as he let his eyes drift over the last few words in the back of his book. The man slammed the book closed and the noise echoed throughout the room. " Those fools," said the purple-haired enigma as he stood up from the chair for the first time in what seemed like ages. "Did they honestly believe they could destroy me so easily?" the mysteriously cloaked man proclaimed, with a maniacal smirk on his face. "No matter, he said, “what’s done is done. All that matters now is my return, starting with the grand entrance.” The man reached behind his head and draped his hood over his purple locks. “Phase one,” said the man whose face was now shrouded in the shadows of his hood, “that big-eared rodent they call a king.” With that, the hooded unknown snapped his fingers and a dark portal appeared behind him. The time had come.

“Donald, said the little king sitting on his thrown, did Sora ever get that note I sent him?”
“Yes your majesty.” Said Donald, the kings court wizard. He was walking down the long red carpet towards the throne as he did every morning, checking in with the king. “Thank you Donald,” said the king, crossing one leg over the other and tapping his index finger on his chin, “I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something.”
“Everything has been taken care of your majesty.” Said Donald now standing in front of the thrown.
“Ah I don’t know. Donald, I would really appreciate it if you could just double check things around the castle for me.”
“Of course your majesty.” Said Donald with a big fake smile on his face.
“Thank you Donald.” Said the king. It was obvious as Donald walked away that he didn’t really want to do it but the king didn’t even notice.
“What am I forgetting?” said the king, once again tapping his chin with his index finger.
“Memory going so soon?” proclaimed a mysterious voice, it seemed to have come out of nowhere.
“It can’t be,” said the king now standing up off his thrown, “Zexion?”
“Long time no see eh?” said Zexion now appearing in front of the king in a cloud of darkness.
“No, no it can’t be.” Said the king backing away from the hood man. “Your, Your…”
“Dead.” Said Zexion, finishing his sentence. “ Did you really think that monstrosity Vexen conjured up could defeat me?” said Zexion with a cackle.
“But, but how?” said king Mickey, confused by the whole situation.
“That, my dear king, is for another time. For now allow me to leave you with a parting gift.” And with that Zexion raised his hand and fired a bolt of dark energy at the king. “Farwell.” Said Zexion disappearing into darkness.
“Zexion,” was the last word the king uttered before passing out onto the cold marble floor of his thrown room. He has returned


Well there it is chapter two. remember I'm always open to costrutive crticism :)
 

Swag

Young King
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READ THE PRVIOUS TWO CHAPTERS BEFORE GOING PAST THIS POINT! they're no long so it's should only takee 5 minutes tops to read both.


Chapter Three: New beginings

"Gotta hide, gotta hide!" thought the young boy as he ran across the beatiful paradise of Destiny Islands. "The secret place!" exclaimed the young man as he bolted past several other young people in his mad dasto find an adequate hiding place. Sweat dripped down the youn man's face as he ran full speed to a small aclove next to a large tree. The boy was clad in all black clothing, with a few exception here and there. He wore black gloves and his hair was spikey and dark brown. Although you might not have thought it at first glance this boy was a hero, he had seen his fair share of the battle field. Behind his large saphire eyes was the heart of a champion, and the fighting prowess of a true warrior. The boy darted through the light foliage that caver the entrance of his newly aquired hiding spot. He ran down a short path way which lead to a small cave. Strange markings covered the walls of this cave, pictures seemingly drawn by small children. One particular picture caught the boy's attension, it was near to the ground in the back part of the aclove. It was an image of a boy and girl faces, the images endlessly staring at one another. Both the boy and the girl had an arm out streached to the other, feeding eachother a strange star shaped fruit. "Kairi," thought the boy as he started to walk towards the picture, untill something else caught his immediate attension.

"You may have thought you knew, but in reality you know nothing. One who knows nothing can understand nothing." said a dark hooded figure standing in the corner opposite the boy. The figure seemingly came out of nowhere, but he seemed to "fit" where he stood.
"Those words," thought the boy turning to face the hooded enigma, "Xenahorts heartless."
"Close but no cigar. said the man standing in the corner. "So I finnally get to meet the fabled master of the keyblade in person, I must say I'm not that impressed."
"Impress this," said the boy and with that the boy miraculously drew a long key from out of thin air. The key had a yellow square hilt, the blade adorning a silver color. A keychain hung form the bottom of this "key" with the insignia of a king a it's end.
"Foolish boy," said the enigma as he dissapeared. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier in castle oblivion but yu were a little... busy shall we say," the boy had heard the voice but the speaker was nowhere to be found.
"Castle... Oblivion," said the boy obviously puzzled by the staement.
"Oh you didn't know?" said the voice. "Perhaps you should ask your preccious Riku..." and with that the voice was gone.

"That went rather well," said Zexion to himself as he reapered in his white room sitting in the chair. "That idiotic keyblade weilding moron seemed rather perplexed. Now, I think I'll let that confusion marinate for awhile, said Zexion. A small hint came over his face at the thought of the comotion he had no doubt caused, just by uttering three sentences. "Time for phase three," said the purple haired madman, "my aprentice."


I hope you like, I dug this out of the graveyard for you guys. I always apreciate construtive critisim so have at it. Return of the Cloaked Schemer is back for the first time!
 

Inner-Demon

The Old Master
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What's chapter one should have really been a Prologue. Actually it was mostly unnecessary. It was quite short and did nothing for the story except to describe a room. It was dull and if that had been the only thing to read I probably wouldn't have checked back. An opening post to the story needs to have something gripping, and intriguing, to pull someone in and MAKE them WANT to return. It did none of that for me.

The overall plot seems nice enough, nothing original, but this IS a KH board anyhow. I noticed a number of mistakes and the placement of wrong punctuation marks within the story. As a writer myself that sort of thing throws me off.

Also a few misspellings, which can also annoy. And you use 'said' too much. Either you have a REALLY small vocabulary for written verbs or you just don't realize how much you actually are using 'said'.

It takes away from the piece and makes it more of a daunting task to read than of an enjoyment. It's as if the characters have no real humanity to them. This is all written, alot depends on the course of action you take to describe and the speech placed within the story that is to bring it to life.

Lastly, the chapters could be a bit longer and using spell check and giving these things a once over wouldn't be a crime.
 

Swag

Young King
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Of course I knew you if no one else would say something like that. I will definetly tak inot account what you said. (on a side note I also have an original Fic in the works that should be MUCH better than this... more on that later).
 

Swag

Young King
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and just for the record, I think alot of my spelling areas are not me not being able to spell it's me not being the best typer in the world.
 
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