Relationship/Date Advice



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Killa DeX

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Hey, I just wanted some of the people on khi feedback on some relationship/date stuff. Its a pretty long story and I apologize in advance.

About two weeks ago I matched up with this girl on tinder, beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I hit her up and in no time I got the number and proceeded to text her. I intitated conversation and deep dived her through texting and talking to her on the phone. She told me that she goes to college about 30 mins from my own college but that she lives in CT. Its only about 2 hours away from where I live in NY so its all good. We texted and called for a few days, usually hours at a time and we would text each other all day. I would continuously complicate her, by calling her cute or beautiful and saying little cute stuff (I know I know its not masculine) We also began snap chatting to each other. After a few days and I learned that she was the president of her schools volunteer club and that her schedule is always packed because of it.

About a week into it (still no set date to meet up), and getting to know her I started to develop feelings for her and she felt the same. She asked me if I only wanted sex from her and if my feelings would be different once we meet up. I told her I wanted something serious and that I don't think my feelings would change once we met up. She told me not to hurt her and I told her the same thing because I didn't want my heart broken either. We continued to talk on the phone and text and she had me talk to a few of her girlfriends (to get their seal of approval), and they liked me and told me not to hurt her or break her heart. By this time we established that we would meet up that thursday. After all this time of talking to her and getting to know her, I was starting to get feelings for her and I seriously thought her and I could be together.

During the days before the meet up I guess I was a bit anxious about everything and I started to act a bit insecure about myself (which is not like me at all) because I had feelings for this girl and I didn't want to mess anything up. Eventually thursday came and we met up, her girlfriend drove her to my college and they picked me up. She was just like her pictures and she acted the same way as she did on the phone, very out going and fun. We walked around my campus a bit and I introduced her to one of my close female friends. The whole time we walked around my campus she was touching me and nudging me and playing around with me and so I played back.

We then got into her friends car and met up with her friends boyfriend and we all went to Buffalo Wild Wings, like a double date. She sat next to me at the booth and we proceeded to order our food make conversation. The whole time at the restaurant she is again touching me and holding my hand or trying to tickle me, so I took this as a sign that she's into me. Her best friend and boyfriend go outside for a smoke and her and I are left alone for a little. We talk and I begin to touch her hands and caress her leg a bit. I try to go in for a kiss but she wasn't having it. Eventually the friend comes back and we pay the bill and leave. We decide to go to a local bar that her friend knows and relax for a bit.

In the car on the way to the bar, she grabs my hand and holds onto it. I stroke her leg and i move closer for a kiss. Again she shakes her head no and tells me to wait. We get to the bar and for awhile we are just standing there and its just silent. After awhile we decide to join her friend and we all talk for a bit and her and I make jokes at each other. Eventually I tell her to come out back with me where theres some privacy. We talk about our goals, dreams, family, friends and eventually we discuss us. She says she wants to take things slow and steady and that she doesn't just want me to be a guy that uses her. I tell her Im cool with that. We hug and she begins to like cuddle with me or something and again I go in for a kiss, she tells me I can have one at the end of the night. We go back inside, this time Im a bit annoyed and I'm itching to escalate with this girl. After awhile I tell her to meet me outside and I go there and she follows a min later. I hold her in my arms and I demand my kiss and she says I can have one and so we kiss. Well that one turned into four and then we go back inside.

At this point her friends and even her and referring to us like we are a couple and are going to be together. I'm confused and I'm tired of playing games, so I a get a little stern with her and I ask her what she wants. She says she wants us to be together but she's still thinking. I tell her that I'm a man and that I don't play games and I ask her to REALLY tell me what she wants, and she says she wants me to be her man, but she says that she can only promise that we'll see each other once a week because of her busy schedule and the distance that we live. I knew this already and it was no big deal for me. We both smile and we go on with the night. It starts to get late and so we all get into the car and we head back to drop me off at my school. The car ride there is quiet because we're all exhausted. When we get to my school, I thank her friends for the ride and nice meeting them and I get out the car. She gets out with me and I have her in my arms and we kiss for a bit. I tell her I had a wonderful time and she says she did also. I tell her to text me when she gets back and she gets in the car and leaves.

She texts me that she got back safely and we text each other for a little bit. I ask her why she took long to let me kiss her and she said she didn't want to rush anything. The next day we text and we tell each other how we had fun last night and how it sucks that it ended. That night I had a party to go to and so did she so we didn't talk much. The next day we texted for a bit but she had an open house all day. She texts me that night and says she's working on a paper and we converse for a bit. I call her later that night but her friend answers the phone and tells me that she is sleeping and she'll tell her to text me when she wakes up. She never texted me back or called.

Yesterday she didn't text me all day. I was anxious about whether I should text her or not and I eventually decided to wait for her to text me. Later that night she eventually texts me and says this: "Hey. As much as it kills me to do this you deserve this. You truly are a great amazing guy and you deserve nothing more than to be in a good healthy happy relationship! And one day you will meet the love of your life and you'll be extremely happy. I don't know if I'm scared or if you're just not the one for me but in my heart something's not right. Im truly sorry. Think what you want about me but I had to be honest to you. Im sorry again"

I tell her I'm glad she was honest with me and I wish things could have worked out. She apologizes and I ask her why she says she's scared. She responds: "I hate feeling tied down. I love being free. I hate being afraid of putting down roots and getting them torn up in the end. I have my whole future planned out and I don't need a guy screwing up what I need to do now to achieve those goals. I honestly feel like being single is my only option"

She says she still wants to be friends.

I just need help in figuring out how things got all fu*ked up. The impression that I got when we first started talking was that she wanted something serious. So does this mean that she didn't want anything serious at all in the first place?

I would like to know if theres anything I could do to maybe fix it and at least get like a friends with benefits/hook-up thing going.

Thanks in advice you guys and I apologize for the long length of this.
 

Nyangoro

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Well, first of all, it sounds like she wasn't sure what exactly she wanted out of the relationship in the first place if that's the response you got. She strikes me as a person who feels put upon that she must be in a relationship; though that's only from, what, nine paragraphs of description? Obviously, not enough for me to get a super accurate read on her, lol. Second, your advances may have made her hesitate even more.

As for how you can get a friends with benefits going with her, it seems unlikely. Though she doesn't seem to know what she wants out of a relationship, she seems to know what she doesn't want. I don't know how she manages/categorizes relationships in her head, but I get the feeling that trying to be a friend with benefits isn't going to work out.

In short, it's probably time to look for someone else.
 

KingdomKey

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Honestly, I think you should move on from her. I feel like she messed with you, or isn't willing to commit to you; since you're wanting a serious relationship, and she backed out of this rather quickly. I find it odd that she'd make you wait to kiss her, or even demand that you only kiss her once. I'm sorry things didn't pan out for you, and maybe she will realize the mistake she's made with you, and try to get back together with you to really try.

The only one at fault is really her. Instead of committing to you, she let fear get in the way. Or at least, that's how I see it. I know nothing about friends with benefits. Just give it time, if you want to stay friends with her and let the chips fall where they may. :3
 

Nutari

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If I may? Yeah, I'm not a relationship guru, but I do know one thing- you two were moving at lightspeed. Lonliness and what not can be a tricky thing, because when you do get the chance to be with somebody, you're eager to make some advances. Something I have learned in my life is that the first date, you really shouldn't do more than really getting to know each other through conversation. This way, you can begin to see who the other person really is. After this, a few more dates should be in order, before you commit to a relationship. Part of being "serious" is knowing when not to be, and the first date isn't the place for that. You didn't necessarily do something wrong (maybe touching her leg was a little too serious, but I'm not positive), it's that you both came in with expectations, instead of feeling out the date.

Dating is tricky, and I'm holding a much more conservative view of dating, obviously. Something good to keep in mind is boundaries. Those are what help you to treat her like a woman, and keep her from feeling like an object. Hopefully, this helps for the future!

And yeah, you're probably out of luck with this girl- which is unfortunate.
 

Voyageer

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I know I may be young, but I've dealt with something similar before.

I agree with what Nutari has to say, but then again, everyone is different. Most women I've talked to, honestly, like to take things slow and get to know one person before anything happens. But it's tricky because you have to tell her your feeling at the right time EXACTLY. Meaning, if you want to say something to her earlier than expected, it'll make her worry that you're only in it for sex or something similar. But if you ask her too late, she'd probably have moved on a little bit and started talking to someone new. Plus, she might have a judgement on your personality, which really sucks. Anyway, my point is, just do it when you feel like she is catching on to you and you both feel the same about one another, because before you know it, she could be gone within a snap of your fingers. And calling on the phone is a +1. It helps each other's self esteem and makes you both more confident to meet up.

You might be thinking it's hard for most guys to take it slow and wait. I know, it's absolutely dreadful, but you can't have expected everything so soon for your own benefit, not the significant other's. And honestly, within about two weeks of talking, you should be set to go out and make something of yourself with her. I mean, you should meet up at least once before then, but short time afterwards you might be ready to start something with her.
 

Recon

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We talk and I begin to touch her hands and caress her leg a bit. I try to go in for a kiss but she wasn't having it.
This should have been the first clue. Trust me, this is the single, hardest thing to ever live by. It's never a man's second nature to stop perusing when something is important to him. Therefore showing a persistence to kiss could mean you wanted to be tied down, or even to test that she was still interested.

In the car on the way to the bar, she grabs my hand and holds onto it. I stroke her leg and i move closer for a kiss. Again she shakes her head no and tells me to wait.
If it did not work, try much much much later. It seems she needed more thinking on the subject. But again, I can easy tell you just wanted to confirm your status.

We hug and she begins to like cuddle with me or something and again I go in for a kiss, she tells me I can have one at the end of the night.
*le sigh* Don't force it.

We go back inside, this time Im a bit annoyed and I'm itching to escalate with this girl. After awhile I tell her to meet me outside and I go there and she follows a min later. I hold her in my arms and I demand my kiss and she says I can have one and so we kiss. Well that one turned into four and then we go back inside.
This is definitely one thing not to do. It has happened to me too. I'm not sure if you used the wrong language, but you can't "demand" for a kiss in a new relationship. It might give off the impression that you are needy and she could retract from that.

At this point her friends and even her and referring to us like we are a couple and are going to be together. I'm confused and I'm tired of playing games, so I a get a little stern with her and I ask her what she wants.
It's hard to tell where your "friends" are coming from. It also depends how long you have hung out with her to be recognized as a "couple." This is tricky. Some girls like guys to be persistent, but not every second of her life. Hell, not even every day. It's also important to not let emotions fly high. I've done it and have fallen on my face [figuratively].

Yesterday she didn't text me all day. I was anxious about whether I should text her or not and I eventually decided to wait for her to text me. Later that night she eventually texts me and says this: "Hey. As much as it kills me to do this you deserve this. You truly are a great amazing guy and you deserve nothing more than to be in a good healthy happy relationship! And one day you will meet the love of your life and you'll be extremely happy. I don't know if I'm scared or if you're just not the one for me but in my heart something's not right. Im truly sorry. Think what you want about me but I had to be honest to you. Im sorry again"
Whatever you do. Never blame yourself. As corny as that sounds, honestly, you did literally nothing to upset the girl. You tried to make it happen, however it didn't work out. These things happen. Happens to me more than I want if you want to know my side.

Where do you from here? How does one merely just forget previous events and starting looking other opportunities? These are hard to answer. However, have faith. Tinder is just one of many social mediums to help you find a relationship. Ask friends too if they have any single friends who you could possibly meet.

I also have to comment on your age. Your age reflects the age of girls whom you might be compatible with. Trying to find a relationship in these AWKWARD [yes awkward because your not a teen nor an adult] years of your life is proving to be difficult. From experience, these years are the start of when you realize what you want to do in life. Some know, but completely end up going in the opposite direction. The path for the rest of your life will be difficult and unforeseeable. The girl you were seeing is obviously vulnerable and immature to figure out what she even wants to do. Talking is easy, doing is another thing. Everyone can say they want to make it out rich, but it won't happen for everyone despite claiming that they will.
 

Killa DeX

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Thank you everyone for the advice. I think that I might have gone in too seriously for the first date and I should have taken it a bit slower with her. Also I don't think it was wise for me to spill my heart out before I even met her in person. But hey that's what life is for, you live and you learn.
 

kuraudoVII

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Thank you everyone for the advice. I think that I might have gone in too seriously for the first date and I should have taken it a bit slower with her. Also I don't think it was wise for me to spill my heart out before I even met her in person. But hey that's what life is for, you live and you learn.
Having read your OP, I can see what you mean. Sometimes, a person wants to be cautious and if the other goes in a tad bit too strongly, that may scare the other a bit and potentially result in a less than desired effect (in this case, being single again despite all that you have tried to do). While you may have been a bit strong, you still did the right things for the most part as far as I can tell. I had a somewhat similar experience with someone I liked and knew and came in too strongly too fast. We're still friends, but that doesn't stop me from beating myself up for overdoing things. I've never been in a relationship prior to this and to this day I still haven't partially because of my mistakes.

Anyway, life can be tough, but we all have to live on. Hope things work out better for you in the future.
 
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