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Darkness Princess

Paper Bag Heaven
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So after a while of completely neglected my writing I decided to try my hand at it once again. Here's something I wrote a couple of hours ago. I don't like it too much, its evidence of how out of practice I am. Ah well, critique please. =)

Not me.

Delay it, pause, hold it,
And save the moment.
Don’t change it,
This day is,
The only time I don’t hate myself
For being alive while you’re frozen
The fault for all of this,
Is it mine?
Do I have the right
To breathe while you don’t?
Stop it, retrace, change it,
And go back to the moment.
I refuse to,
Think of you.
I despise all the energy spent
Trying not to think of what I did
You’re to blame,
Never I
I’m not that person,
The one who caused it,
Wasn’t me,
Turn away, avert your eyes,
Don’t you dare look at me,
I can see the accusations you seek
To pin down on me
Its not my fault,
I tried to help.
I reached out, she slapped me away
I can’t be blamed for what I did
That day.
She asked for it,
She wanted me to,
I wouldn’t have done it
You know I loved her too
Delay it, retrace, change it
And forget once again.
Frozen in time
My lost innocence.
 

Cicero

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OMG, you acutally posted something new! =O

But yeah, as you said, it isn't your best...the flow is off at, well...a whole lot of points, because of your use of too short sentences, and I didn't really get the story. The narrator did something to a man, and there was somebody else involved, but that was about all I could get from it.

I liked the whole 'moment' thing you used to keep some of the flow, though. That was a nice asset.
 
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Darkness Princess

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Yeah. It isn't one of my best. :3
I tried my hand at writing something else, this seems to flow a bit better. <3

Watch Her

Watch her sway, watch her move,
This girl, she dances her way through,
A dangerous path she chooses,
She know she’s the only loser
But still, she dances along
Avoiding the cracks on the way,
Watch her move, watch her sway.

The way she’s paved has many faults,
Creases, dips and deluding corners,
All here to hurt and confuse her
Yet she keeps on dancing,
The thrill of it all, The ultimate high,
She knows its wrong, its not meant to be
It doesn’t matter, its worth being high on life,
Closing her eyes from truth, no need to see.

Watch her sway, watch her move,
She needs to stop all this soon,
Its inevitable that she’ll trip and fall,
Twisting herself, unable to dance at all,
But without a care, she moves on,
Forgetting tomorrow, think only of today,
Watch her dance, watch her sway
 

Darkness Princess

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Thanks, Stavvy. I hate to double post and I really couldn't wait to post this.

Lift You Up.

I'll pick you up, lift you high.
Build you a staircase to reach the sky,
I'll use anything from sticks to rye
Just to make sure you're standing tall.

As they aim, the spotlight
I'll slink far away from sight
Your own shadow, my disguise
Let the world think you're on your own.

When in pain, when you cry
I'll wipe those tears from you and paint a smile,
To the world its just a trick of light,
No one will ever see you fall.

Still you reach, for the sky
I'll keep on building, adding more to the pile
Even if i have to steal and lie
With me you'll never be alone.

Don't worry, its alright
Even if we've run out of rye,
I'll use something else for our pile
Stand on my shoulders and be strong.

I'll boost you up, prop you high
As I build your staircase to the sky
I'll keep doing this till I die
Because you're my one and all.
 

Thor.

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I liked this one more than the others. Aside from it giving a firmer grasp of the emotions and actions of the subject it also uses rhyming more heavily (which I always felt was necessary). Some of the time you forgo beat for meaning which is okay, personally I always choose beat first but it is a decision that I can respect. So aside from a few rough patches where I would have stumbled reading it aloud it was good.

Also it provoked feeling very effectively. At least in me.
 

Cicero

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Why, those last two were much better! I love the flow of both of them. <3 Especially in that last poem where you made the last sentence of the first stanze rhyme with the last sentence of the third and last stanza, and did the same with the second and fourth stanzas. Only thing that bugged me was the multiple use of the words 'sky' and 'rye' simply to fit the rhyming, or so it seemed.

Oh, and yeah, I loved the word sway, and the dance theme in the 'Watch Her' poem, it reminded me of that song... Sway with me, lol. =D

<3
 

Darkness Princess

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I love you guys. <3
Thanks for reading.
Anyways, here's another poem; take a guess at what its about. :p
Oh and I can't spell to save my life, Thanks Cicero for saving me. <3

Sweet Sin

A sweet smile,
A pat on the arm,
A kiss on the lips,
to cover up the crime.

Whispered promises,
My eternal devotion,
To be forever yours,
Such a strange notion.

Fingers tracing,
The Outline of my sin,
Scrub Away all evidence,
From my betraying skin.

Poorly masked aggression,
Embrace this sinful pleasure,
Dont worry no one knows,
What goes on behind locked doors.

I silence the surfacing doubts,
A chaste kiss,my tender affection,
Another promise of my pure intentions,
You'll never know the depths of my deception.

The quickening of breaths,
All thoughts forgotten,
As our hearts race,
Another successful distraction.

You hold my hand tightly,
As we stroll throughout the night,
Lingering a few steps behind me,
Sin follows hidden from sight.
 

Darkness Princess

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St. John's
Double post...Its eevil but I have a new poem and so it shall be posted. <3

Uncertain Dreamer

Close your eyes, drift away,
Slow your heart, breath deeply
Let your worries peel away.
So it begins,

Take my hand, dont be scared
Trust in me, I'll be there
For you; you wont be mislead.
Your slow descent,

You step unsteadily,
I contradict, unwavering.
You try to imitate me,
I laugh enjoying your purity,
You step too hard and fall
I watch, ignoring your call,
and you stand up on your own.
Dont depend on me,


Don't wake up, no, not yet
There's still much dreaming left
Just have faith, faith in me
To help you breathe

As the fear, starts to fade
and your steps change their pace,
As your eyes, dull and change
so changes your fate,

So it begins
Your slow descent
Dont depend on me,
To help your breathe
So changes your fate
The time has come
Don't get swallowed by your dreams.
 

Darkness Princess

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Hmmm...I don't remember this but I know I wrote it...Must've been one of my random late night things. I know I wrote it recently though. xD

Set Me On Fire

If I'm set alight
The burning flames that refuse to simmer
I know you'll reach out for me
Ignoring the flames that lick your being
You'll hold me till the flames suffocate
You'll reach out ignoring your burning state
You'll envelope me, keep me safe.

No one comes any closer
For fear of getting burned
No one risks it, save you
You ignore the pain, refuse to learn
You stand besides me,
cling on tightly
Seeing when everyone else is blind.

This feeling I have
This reality I crave
Are you another twisted fantasy?
The kind words you said
Were they just thoughts in my head?
Are you truly there for me?

If I'm set alight
Yeah, when I'm set alight
The flames that singe my flesh
When everything about me repulses you
Will you still reach out for me the way you always do?
 

Darkness Princess

Paper Bag Heaven
Joined
Aug 24, 2004
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I decided to wander back to KHI. I recently wrote a poem which I would appreciate some critique over. Its my first sonnet so let me know if I'm doing anything wrong.

Escapism

Apologies for this, my friend, it seems
I have come to depend on you once more
To lift me again from my world of dreams,
You see, she returned with promises for
A kindgom where me and her could both be
together without the troubles of life.
I realize now that its silly to flee
From you, only due to personal strife.
I understand that you try to protect
me from my own naivete, but why?
Is my love for her, my need, a defect?
You claim to love, but what if its a lie?
I need the promise of security
and truth. Not the hope of stability.
 
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