Poem: Why? I can

[Galacion]

Why? why why... dont you pay attenion
Why dont you care
Why does everyone ignore me when i try to make myself known?
It hurts me more than you know it hurts more than i know all i know is that it hurts..


I can try to scream but id be weird
i can try to cry but id be soft
I can try to be tough but i be less than ruged
I can try talk to you but you dont hear me
So all i can do is watch as you laugh but when you cry i try to help but you push me away.
So all i can do is watch in the shadows but when your angry i try to calm you down but you yell at me and bite my head off..
So all i can do is sit down and look on but when im sad no one cares but when im mad no one notices but when im happy i try to stay that way and hopefully help you to be happy but all the time your always pushing me away

Why? why do you hate me? when i try to help you.
Why? why do you hurt me? When i try to lift you up.
Why? why is it that your always trying to ignore me? When im right by your side. When im nice to you. when im kind to you. when i try to build you up and you tear me down.

I strive to help but you hurt
I strive to help but end up hurting as well
I strive to do good things but alway returned with evil

I can only do one thing then.
I can only do my best.
I can only resist.
I can no longer help you.

So when you ask for me ill ignore.
So when you try to help ill hurt.
So when you try to calm ill rage.
So when you cry So when you are in the shadows
So when you are siting and i dont noitce you

YOU NOW KNOW HOW I FEEL!
AND EVENTUALLY I WILL BE BACK FOR YOU!
AND WE WILL HELP EACH OTHER!
AND WE SHALL BE THIER GREATEST HOPE AND NIGHTMARES!


(please post comments)

 

[pansonman]

whoa deep! and btw this should be in another section

 

[Galacion]

i couldnt find the other section i thought it should go under the uh thing witht he stories and stuff but i didnt think it would go in there so i put in here >.> (if it does belong there could a mod please move it) and thanks

 

[Square Ninja]

Sounds like emo.

 

[Galacion]

whats wrong with emo?

 

[Square Ninja]

Everything.

 

[Galacion]

then everything is wrong with you

 

[var1ables]

wow, that was emo....... WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE WRITE SUCH SH*TTY POEMS ABOUT THINGS 10% OF THE POPULUS ACTUALLY KNOW!

One, the 4th line of the first verse is too long and redundant.

Two, the 3rd and 4th verse are the same things, no need to state it twice, we get it.

 

[Square Ninja]

then everything is wrong with you

I'm not the one posting crappy "woe is me" poetry on the internet.

 

[Engulfed]

Alright alright.
If you want my advise:
Good poetry is found when you use words that aren't usually used.
Since it doesn't rhyme and it's mostly all about rhythm and beat, you should try and replace some of the common words with synonyms that are more interesting to the eyes.

Also, it's cool that it doesn't rhyme Those are my favorite ones.
Keep it up-
And I agree with you BTW

 

[Galacion]

thanks Engulfed but now i see why i didnt like writing poems in the first place its people like Square Ninja that supress other peoples inner genuis and inner/outer poet which is very sad and plus it wasnt woe is me poetry it was practice im not very good at writing poems and have very little creativity with writing so yea but you know thanks for yall comments and posts

 

[quitejaded]

I don't CARE if this is EMO or NOT!

A CRAPPY poem is a CRAPPY poem!

My friend, get your pen to paper (as if you actually wrote this down on paper) and EDIT! CHOP CHOP!

wow, that was emo....... WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE WRITE SUCH SH*TTY POEMS ABOUT THINGS 10% OF THE POPULUS ACTUALLY KNOW!

I call BS on that statistic. It's just that I never imagined it being expressed so crappily.

 

[Twilight power]

Sweet poem dude

 

[Square Ninja]

...now i see why i didnt like writing poems in the first place its people like Square Ninja that supress other peoples inner genuis and inner/outer poet which is very sad...

Kid, I don't think you'll ever have to worry about your "inner genius" being suppressed, consider you have none.

 

[quitejaded]

I believe in order to be a poetic genius, you must be psychotic or near the range.

 

[var1ables]

I call BS on that statistic. It's just that I never imagined it being expressed so crappily.

i got it off one of those comercails they said "..1 in 10 people will feel depression in there lifetime...."

 

[Galacion]

Kid, I don't think you'll ever have to worry about your "inner genius" being suppressed, consider you have none.

you dont even know me child so i suggest you shut yuor mouth

 

[Engulfed]

Galacion, don't take what SN says seriously. He wants to make everyone feel bad if they're not "cool" like him.

I like it- just fix a few common words and it'll be better!

 

[quitejaded]

i got it off one of those comercails they said "..1 in 10 people will feel depression in there lifetime...."

Meh, I didn't think so much "depression" as something else...

If this poem is about depression, the author really needs to get some more practice... I'm sorry I don't jump to streotyped conclusions O_O

 

[kairigirl]

For some reason I felt like you're writing a letter. It's just in stanza form, kind of. Rhyming and such isn't necessary, but there is a limit to free verse.

Even free verse seems to flow. This seems like a few sentences put together that convey how you currently felt. As poems usually are what you currently feel, they also have a poetic quality to them. This just seems like a letter quality. Not to mention little makes sense.

Most poems don't deal with excessive words. There is a thing called poetic license. This means that you don't have to speak grammatically. Few of the poems I write have a grammatical sense. I also don't rhyme a whole lot. My most recent one did cause it fit best.

My suggestion to you is to redo this. Let the words flow and don't worry if there's grammar or how long the sentence is. I write mostly in quatrains, and usually each quatrain is a sentence long all together, or each line is one sentence. Or two or whatever, but my lines are never terribly long.

Other than that, don't know what else to tell you. :/