Help/Support ► Please help and support me

[Enchanted Rose]

Well, this may sound a little strange, but it’s actually upsetting me quite a bit. You can all have insight into my utterly embarrassing life. LONG POST, I know.

One of my closest friends is acting inappropriately towards me, and I feel uncomfortable about it.

It actually started about a year and a half ago, (but it’s gone in waves) and I think it was my fault because I apparently promised that I’d give him a lap dance – I’m guessing I was drunk, and needless to say I never have kept to that ‘promise’. But then after that, he was excessively flirtatious.

He told me that he’d had a dream of us having sex, and I didn’t know how to react, I was like “….”; not sure why he would admit that. He also kept trying to spend almost inappropriate amounts of time with me, and would constantly hug me; I told 2 of my other male friends so they would always intervene and try and ward him off. One said he thought I should cut him some slack because he was probably confused, and the other was pissed off, and wanted a huge confrontation – but I don’t want people to know about this, as I don’t want people to think he’s sexually predatory.

Recently, it has gotten quite bad, because he will rarely have a conversation with me that doesn’t involve him slipping in that he thinks I’m hot etc.

He often tries to manipulate things, we were playing a game, and he said for each time that I answered a question wrongly, I had to give him a hug, and he’ll ask questions like “Sooooo, who do I think has the best body I know?!” Then when I try and evade the issue, he will be like “YOU”, expecting me to somehow comment on it (?) I never bring up such topics with him, but he usually does.

When I was at his house the other week, he insisted that we ‘chilled on his bed’, and then he turned this into hugging/spooning, and worst of all, he kept making me lie on top of him. I was obviously uncomfortable, and kept trying to move away from him, change the subject, or making excuses. Also, he had a hard on after this, making everything even more uncomfortable, as I had to pretend I didn’t notice.
But how can I refuse a HUG from a FRIEND? What he’s suggesting could be viewed as innocent affection.


I am increasingly thinking that he wants to **** me.
I am 95% sure that he doesn’t have a crush on me, I think it’s all just sexual, so I don’t have too much sympathy for him.
I am fairly easy-going in these situations, and I am relaxed about sex related matters, but I almost feel violated.



Ok, so here’s the pressing issue. Once we saw this photo of us together on a night out, and we were like “omg, we look WELL hot”, which led to this bizarre in-joke that we were beautiful. Because we haven’t spent a lot of time together this academic year, he made me agree to a ‘beautiful day’, and he’s taking it extremely seriously. I actually made a soundtrack for this day…yeah quite sad. This would consist of us spending time together during the day (not sure what we’d do yet), and then clubbing in the evening, and then me staying the night at his. A few problems: he’s tried it on when we’ve been out before i.e touching me, getting excessively close, and I just don’t want to sleep at his….he will insist I sleep in his bed and wear his clothes for pyjamas. Wouldn’t be surprised if he got in with me.
But he also said that I had to wear something “sexy” in the day, and I tried to be like, “no, I can’t because of the weather”, but that’s a crap excuse considering it’s extremely warm, it’s sort of necessary to wear little.

This ‘event’ obviously be exacerbated by alcohol. There’s no way he’s staying sober, and even if I didn’t drink, I’m not sure how that would help anything.

This day is meant to happen TOMORROW! But I realised I have another engagement with other friends tomorrow during the day, but I’m not sure I can avoid the clubbing thing.

I kind of want to be like “BACK THE FUCK OFF”, but I definitely do not want to destroy our friendship. He is one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I’d almost rather put up with this than loose him. Also, I have lost at least 3 other male friends because of similar issues, so collapsing the friendship is an absolute last resort. So, what would be the best way of dealing with it, in a more delicate manner? I don’t want to offend or embarrass him!
How should I negotiate seeing him next?
Also, as you may have ascertained, I'm not very assertive, but my mouth always gets me in trouble.

Thanks.

 

[Vossler]

Whatever you do, don't sleep with him hoping and intending that he will stop, becasue of said act. IF anything he will do it even more and always reffer to that night; he will probably think that you did it once that he will want you to do it again, making him even more attracted to you. I have seen a similar inncident like this before, but it didn't get this far touchy feely wise.

If anything just confront him about the issue and ask him why he has been so attracted to you lately, and if he try to change the subject by grabing you, be more assertive and yell at him if you have to. If he is really or friend then he should understand why you are not liking what he is doing. He if does care about your friendship then hopefully he will stop.

 

[Lifes.Lover]

He sounds like a horny teenager. He most likely just wants to get in your pants because of this fact, and not because of any real want to be with you as a person or have a relationship with you.

Since this is the case, and it doesn't sound like you want either type of relationship (a purely sexual one or a couple type one), you need to tell him that you want to just stay friends.

He's most likely so wrapped up in his hormones that he isn't thinking of what this could do to your friendship, or that he just doesn't care if it could or not.

Since he is a friend that you want to keep (and I definitely understand, having gone through something slightly similar with my best friend), I'd be delicate in telling him what you want.

But saying nothing at all about it won't do any good. Having read what you said, it sounds like you're being more submissive towards this, and not really telling him just how uncomfortable this makes you, possibly hoping that it'll calm down its own or that he'll eventually realize that you don't want what he wants.

That isn't going to work.

You need to sit him down and tell him that you'd rather the two of you just stayed friends. You don't want to do that whole friends-with-benefits deal, and you don't want to enter into a relationship with him. You have to make it clear to him that the way he's been acting has been straining your friendship and that it makes you extremely uncomfortable to be near him now. You also need to make it clear that this could truly break your friendship up.

While you don't want that, it might eventually come to that point if all he wants is your body and not you as a friend.

 

[King Wolfe]

Darn.. All the good advice has been given.. Well here's my two cents; explain to the guy you don't like him like that and want to stay friends, that's a given, if that doesn't work RESTRAINING ORDER TIME! Well not yet there's one more option (awww damnit) surround yourself with tough guys, or get into a relationship to show the guy your unavailable! (cliche solution ftw) If that doesn't work RESTRAINING ORDER TIME!

 

[Urbane]

he’s sexually predatory.

This.

Screw friendship, tell him to Back the Fuck off. If there's a danger of him doing something to you, then ditch the jackass.

 

[Firo]

Just tell him you're not interested and you're just friends. If he's your friend he'll be okay with it. Plus he sounds like who will just say "I was just kidding" to keep his rep. or whatever.

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

Allowing yourself to be sexually manipulated for the sake of preserving an awkward friendship with somebody who clearly doesn't respect you...what more needs to be said?

Sweetie, you came here asking for help, but you're a smart girl. You know what the answer to this problem is; you tell him in no uncertain terms back off and accept that you have no control over his reaction. The fact that you know this answer and have yet to apply it gives me a very good indication of what sort of outcome this story will yield. Tomorrow you are probably going to have sex with him, and after he's gotten what he wants you'll see for yourself how good of a friend he is.

It would naturally be best if you could circumnavigate this scenario entirely, but if being exploited is what it takes for you to learn this lesson, so be it.

Best of luck, Naomi.

 

[Crossroads]

Listen well.

GTFO.

Get away from dude and say away. Seriously. If it's as bad as you say, he won't stop until he ***** the life out of you. No matter what you say or do. It's a dude first off, so you're well aware of what's going on here. If you don't want it, stay away.

 

[Hypoxium]

You'll simply have to tell him that you aren't comfortable with it.

If he really is a friend worth keeping then he should understand you entirely. If it upsets him then maybe the only reason he was ever such a good friend wasn't for a good reason at all. Don't go through with this just to keep a friendship, because if that's what he wants out of you, a friendship isn't what he's into.

And like Sam said, you're a smart girl Naomi. You're big enough to make your own decisions, and you shouldn't be afraid to back out. I hope you'll let him know how you feel, because if you don't, he's going to take advantage of you.

 

[Shade737]

I wouldn't be surprised if you guys end up parting ways because having to put a guy into the friend zone is not a pretty sight.

 

[Crossroads]

I wouldn't be surprised if you guys end up parting ways becasue having to put a guy into the friend zone is not a pretty sight.

It hurts so bad...I heard...

 

[Johnny Stooge]

Get him someone else to fuck.

 

[Crossroads]

Get him someone else to fuck.

Sounds like he's hung up on her, but yeah that could work.

 

[Hypoxium]

Sounds like he's hung up on her, but yeah that could work.

It's only because of what she said she would do, followed by not voicing her opinion when he continued to do things that made her uncomfortable.

He probably just thinks she's cool with it, she needs to speak up.

 

[Johnny Stooge]

Honestly, this guy sounds like my best friend. And if he reacts anything like my best friend, telling him to fuck off would immediately cease the friendship.

So you got three options. Help him hook up. Say bye-bye. Or yeah.
Some guys are just dicks, and don't know when they're crossing lines.

 

[Crossroads]

It's only because of what she said she would do, followed by not voicing her opinion when he continued to do things that made her uncomfortable.

He probably just thinks she's cool with it, she needs to speak up.

Yes, but body language is big and I bet you this guy is just ignoring hers. She's obviously uncomfortable, or at least that's how the story sounds. I'm not there so...

 

[Hypoxium]

Yes, but body language is big and I bet you this guy is just ignoring hers. She's obviously uncomfortable, or at least that's how the story sounds. I'm not there so...

Or he's just a thick-headed dumbshit.

 

[Lifes.Lover]

Mm... she needs to tell him that he shouldn't hold her to such a ridiculous promise when she was drunk at the time. That's not being a friend.

Like I said to begin with, and that others have said, if all he wants from you is your body than he's not much of a friend and you're better off without him.

I know how hard that it can be to lose a friendship like this, if he really is as close as you say he is. And I'm such a hypocrite for saying this, but if he can't keep you to just friends-without-benefits, than you need to tell him bye.

If that's so, it shouldn't be hard to just speak up for yourself and tell him that what he does makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Apollo]

You could try dating other guys until he calms down. So you would atleast have an decent excuse for telling him to back away, and not to spend as much time with him.

 

[Crossroads]

Actually just kick him in the nuts. I know it sounds immature and all that, but he won't be in the mood for any sex if you do that. He'll get the picture after that one.