OVERBIT CHAOS [kingdom hearts] -- First chapter up!



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Takushi Rena

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This is the part of a story that I've been working on for 2, if not 3, years now. I've been editing it and trying to make it perfect as possible, but I wanted to see if I could get some feedback on the prologue for the story. This is the only thing I'm worried about including in the final story, as the story has mostly original characters, but it does add some backstory and I do really like it.

Hope you enjoy this and any feedback is greatly appreciated! <3 (I am planning on posting the story too, once some of the chapters are finished!)

Quick warning: There is some swearing and slightly gory moments. Nothing too bad, but a warning seemed good to have.

Enjoy! C:

----------------

PROLOGUE : fate of the unknown

Not even Xehanort couldn't have committed something as evil, as horrendous, as this.

A single, flickering streetlamp cast its light onto the black street, spotlighting a silhouette collapsed to his knees. Short, rapid gasps of breath expelled and returned to his lungs. His arms shook, his bright, blue orbs tracing his spread apart, soaked fingers. The puddles rinsed the crimson splattered on his hands. As he rose, he shook his cut hands, flicking muddy droplets away. His head hung for a moment, staring at his tilted palms.

His gaze shot up. His eyes snapped onto a single sight: a shadowed heap on the concrete.

The brunet ran.

"Your Majesty!"

Sora slid and splashed through the rain puddles on his knees, pivoting and turning to the collapsed figure. Using the light of the streetlamp, the boy looked over the features of the collapsed mouse. Clothing tattered, cuts and wounds embedded into his torso, and crimson soaked into the whites of his gloves. Worst of all: his eyes were closed, chest unmoving.

"No, no, wake up!" he screamed, voice crackling. He rammed his palm into the mouse's shoulder, shaking it hard. "Your Majesty, please wake up!"

The King remained in his motionless state, never wavering and never waking. Sora swallowed hard and rose to his feet, sneakers sliding back.

His eyes set on another collapsed figure. Tightening his fists, another tense swallow slithered down his throat. He forced his sneaker down, pushing himself past the life-drained mouse.

His arms shook more and more violently, each step stirring a tense feeling in his stomach as he begged himself turn away. His eyes fought to look forward, yet he found himself always looking away. At last, the boy reached the figure as he fell by his side.

The boy's voice cracked, his bright blue orbs reflecting the silver-haired teen's blank features and closed eyes. He hung his head, shoulders shuddering.

"No..."

His hand snapped onto the teen's shoulder, ripping it from the crimson-ridden puddle. Sora wouldn't let himself believe it; his heart and mind were consumed by his naive fantasy. To him, this was all a dream.

"Riku! Wake up, you gotta wake up!"

The silver-haired teen's head bobbled. Sora's strained eyes watched red droplets drip from his white strands, staring at the cuts across the teen's face. He shook him more, praying that he would snap awake; that everything would be okay! Yet, Riku never stirred.

"What about everyone back home? Kairi, your parents, everyone on the island... Riku, you wouldn't leave 'em again, would you?"

Droplets begun to drip onto the brunet's face, the whites of his eyes turning red. He released a shaking choke, throwing his arms around the teen's chest. There came a soft thud into the puddle, splashing across the lifeless Riku and the broken Sora.

"Please just wake up," his voice warbled, muffled into Riku's vest, "I just found you, I can't lose you again..."

Sora remained motionless for a moment, shoulders shuddering as he fought to silence himself. Moments passed, his cries quiet at last. The boy released his arms and rose to his feet.

There was no point in trying to wake the dead. The boy's eyes cast across the pair and, slowly, Sora backed away into the darkness.

"Why did this happen?" he whispered, arms shaking.

The day still remained vivid in his mind: the day the King's letter was sent to them.

"It's probably nothing. I don't know what's got the King so worked up... So what if the world came back?"

"Well, something's probably up if the King's worried about it. 'sides, we get to go out into the worlds again! It'll be awesome!"

King Mickey's worry took a toll on him, leading him, at the advice of Yen Sid, to call Sora and Riku to the Mysterious Tower. Yen Sid explained the news: the World that Never Was, the Nobody's home that had been destroyed along with Xemnas, had returned and a dark energy was coming from it.

"Don't worry, Master Yen Sid! I can handle it!"

"We can handle it, Sora. You're not going alone. The King and I are coming with you. Whatever it is, we'll fight it together."

Sora tried to convince Riku and the King to stay behind, fighting to keep his friends out of danger. In the end, the three Keyblade Wielders headed for the dark city, ready to find this strange energy, take care of it, and return home.

But what they found was something terrifying: something violent and callous.

The friends that Sora had fought to protect, they were gone.

Sora's dim blue orbs focused on the shadows on the floor -- his friends. His chest heaved and he doubled over, hissing.

"Why..." he snarled, pinching his eyelids together.

As the tip of the enormous skeleton key clicked on the ground, the brunet begun to feel something dripping down on his shoulders. It was cold, cool enough to send shivers through him. It stained his arms and soaked into his vest and gloves, trailing down to his shorts and shoes.

Sora's gaze rolled up and held his empty palm out, staring up into the night sky above. He saw droplets drip from the clouds, splashing onto the ground below. The world had suddenly grown cold, raining dropping like tears from heartbroken eyes. Perhaps because two of his dear friends were gone and dead; perhaps, unlike the Nobodies, this world had an empathic heart.

The boy shook his head, regaining his composure. He gave one last glance to shadowed heaps on the ground. His gaze shifted back behind him, then back at his friends. Ultimately, he turned towards them. The keyblade was gone, and he reached out a hand to take the King's arm. Dead or not, he had to take them back. He couldn't abandon his friends like that, even if they were already gone; he refused to just leave them there to rot.

Clutching the arm of the mouse, he hoisted him off of the ground. The mouse was cold and limp, a thought that twisted Sora's insides. He swallowed back whatever had trailed up his throat, disgusted by what happened on this night. As he took a tight grip on the King, he reached out for Riku.

The boy's orbs trailed upward.

Someone stared back.

SHING!

"Aah!"

The King's body fell with a soggy thud. Then came the sound of a metal slice, like a blade scratching leather. Sora heard another thud. He searched the blackness.

He felt trapped, constricted. The light was knocked out of his eyes, the world now dark and blurred. He was feeble, helpless. Yet, he could feel: something hard was against his back, like stone or concrete... He was upright, against a wall, cold... The rest was too dark to tell.

But, even though everything was black in his eyes, he did see one thing:

Green eyes staring back.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?"

The slick, oily voice slid into the air, a sickening chuckle slithering through Sora's ears and twisting his insides.

The boy shook his head as light and sharpness returning to his eyes. He saw the King and Riku's silhouettes still collapsed on the ground, but they were so distant now. He tried to move his feet, but they couldn't reach the ground. He tried to move his body, but his form wouldn't budge. And breathing? No, that wasn't happening, said the cloaked enigma's grip.

He gagged, gasping with bloodshot eyes. The boy squirmed against the concrete wall, hands wrapped tight around the enigma's wrist. No matter how much he tugged or any attempts he made to kick the figure away, nothing happened; the grip and the enigma remained.

Sora stared up into glowing, viridescent orbs, seeing a smirk light up beneath the shadow of the man's hood.

"Is this the infamous Keyblade Master? Sora, I take it?" The man laughed, "I thought you'd be a lot... taller. Pretty damn short, to be honest."

The boy snarled at the chuckle, squirming.

The enigma shrugged, "Damn, how can the Heartless be afraid of such a little pipsqueak? I'm surprised you even managed to defeat Ansem or Xemnas!

"But today's your lucky day, Mr. Pipsqueak Keyblade Master," a glint flickered in the man's eyes, "Wanna take a guess as to why?"

Sora's mouth slacked, yet nothing escaped except for loud, hard choke. He wheezed at the man's tightening grip, the heel of his palm slamming against his windpipe. The pain shot a wince across his face and his body stiffened. The man drew closer, nose to nose with the boy. He couldn't tell if he was choking on the lack of air or from the man's putrid, smoky breath.

"Aww, no guesses?" His voice mockingly raised up a notch, the man tilting his head, "That's just too bad. I didn't want to spoil the surprise! But, I figure you already know what's coming..."

Sora's eyes stared down. His heart jumped in his chest, fighting to free itself. The whites of his eyes flashed and reflected the glint of a silver blade.

The man smirked.

"End of line, Keyblade Master."

SHING!

A loud thud resonated throughout the alleyway, leaving another lifeless form on the soaked concrete.

Another star blinked out from the night sky.
 
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KingdomKey

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Oh my god, this story is awesome! xD I love the way you described their bodies, how shaken up Sora was, and that ending! I wasn't anticipating that at all! Please write more of this, Rena! I want to find out what happens next.
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

oh my goodness are you serious ;A; THANK YOUUU! I've been sitting on this prologue for months, wondering if I should chuck it or not, but that made me feel so, so much better about it. Thank you so much!! <3 And more of the story is definitely coming! The entire thing (for the most part) is written out, it's just taking a while to edit lulz. But I'll start posting more chapters soon, promise! ;w;
 
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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

That...was...amaaaaaaazing! I love how you wrote it. Your visuals and metaphors are great. Out of curiosity, did you ever post this before? I'm asking because the title sounds really familiar. Anyway, I can't wait to read more.
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Thank you! :D And yup, I've posted this a while back, probably a similar prologue and part of a script that goes along with it. But I'll post more in the future! ;w;
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Quickie update~ I'm working on editing the first chapter now, but for now, here's an excerpt from one of the chapters! (And, if anyone's interested, I can post another chapter that I scraped?)

Spoiler Spoiler Show
Not much, but I don't know when the first chapters are going to be done to post >.< Still, hope you like it! C:
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Woah. You placed "end of line, keyblade master" perfectly. Going to be checking in on this a bit. The little clippet that you've left us also seems quite captivating. A few little mix-ups (raining dropping like tears) but a very smooth read. Can't wait for more.
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

(Yes, please! I wanna read the chapter you scraped, Rena.) This tiny update is making me anxious to read the next chapter. It's so gooood! <3 I can't wait to find out more about the mysterious burnett girl, who needs help, and the man, who may or may not help her.
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Takushi Rena said:
Hope you enjoy this and any feedback is greatly appreciated! <3
I did really enjoy the read and would like to offer some feedback. The first few points are just grammar and word choice; I don't usually like line-by-line proofreading, but since your story is so well-written overall, these stand out as just a few mistakes that are easy to correct.

  • Not even Xehanort couldn't have committed something as evil, as horrendous, as this. --> Not even Xehanort could have committed something as evil, as horrendous, as this.
The problem is a small grammatical one (double negative), but the sentiment made me pause too. I understand it's used to convey the horror of the situation, but isn't this basically what Xehanort's been trying to do all along? If not kill them, then steal their bodies and use them to reincarnate himself?


  • Short, rapid gasps of breath expelled and returned to his lungs. --> Short, rapid gasps of breath were expelled and then returned to his lungs.
The word "expelled" needs to be in the passive, because what is being expelled are the short, rapid gasps of breath. I added then just to balance the sentence again.


  • Sora slid and splashed through the rain puddles on his knees...
I'm confused by this, because previously we already saw that he "rose" and "ran"--why is he back on his knees again?

  • ...each step stirring a tense feeling in his stomach as he begged himself turn away. --> each step stirring a tense feeling in his stomach as he begged himself to turn away.
  • At last, the boy reached the figure as he fell by his side.
Awkward construction.


  • The world had suddenly grown cold, raining dropping like tears from heartbroken eyes. --> The world had suddenly grown cold, rain dropping / raining drops like tears from heartbroken eyes.
Interestingly, there are two possibilities here, not sure which you were going for.


  • He gave one last glance to shadowed heaps on the ground. --> He gave one last glance to the shadowed heaps on the ground.

  • The boy shook his head as light and sharpness returning to his eyes. --> The boy shook his head as light and sharpness returned to his eyes.
Just a few other notes on the writing: there are occasional confusions of pronouns, where it's not clear who he or him is referring to in a sentence. An example from near the end of the story:


  • The man drew closer, nose to nose with the boy. He couldn't tell if he was choking on the lack of air or from the man's putrid, smoky breath.
In the second sentence, we might assume He to refer to the man (the subject of the last sentence), except that doesn't work with the following description. We can 'figure it out' from the context, but it takes the reader out of the story (even if just for a moment) to do so.

Also, some of your word choices sound a bit odd to me, especially when they are synonyms for more common words. You very frequently use orbs instead of eyes in your description and action. Doing this once or twice to break up repetition (I find myself using too many expressions about characters' eyes for example) is a good practice, but when this comes to stand in for the more common word, it sounds a little strange.

That's all I wanted to comment on for the proofreading; the story is the important part. And as other posters have reinforced, it's a great read! Beyond just the quality of the writing, it certainly leaves you wanting to read more. We might not want to admit it, but killing off the major character(s) can be an enticing way to start a fanfiction.

However, there are ways it could possibly be made more effective. The opening 'reveal' of the characters I think risks becoming repetitive, dulling the shock of recognition. By light of a streetlamp, we see a collapsed silhouette (first reveal). That silhouette, not dead as it turns out, sees another collapsed silhouette (second reveal). This silhouette is dead, so the first silhouette looks up and sees another collapsed silhouette (third reveal). Why not have the opening shot to reveal three crumpled shadows on the ground, one of which turns out to be alive? The suspense of the scene would still be there in figuring out who these silhouettes belong to.

Also, and this might be something we're not supposed to understand yet, but Sora's condition at the very beginning of the scene confuses me. He seems to have just come from a battle--on his knees, gasping, his hands cut and bleeding. But when he looks up, he's apparently dumbfounded to find his friends (dead, also presumably from battle) lying around him. Maybe they were fighting together and Sora got knocked out, but in that case who were they fighting? When our mysterious antagonist finally encounters Sora, he acts like he's never seen the Keyblade wielder before. I'm not sure where Sora is coming from here.

The 'fight' itself (not that it's much of a fair fight) is also hard to follow, which makes sense from Sora's disoriented state. But some pieces I still can't fit together, starting from this passage:

The King's body fell with a soggy thud. Then came the sound of a metal slice, like a blade scratching leather. Sora heard another thud. He searched the blackness.

He felt trapped, constricted. The light was knocked out of his eyes, the world now dark and blurred. He was feeble, helpless. Yet, he could feel: something hard was against his back, like stone or concrete... He was upright, against a wall, cold... The rest was too dark to tell.
We already heard a SHING, presumably a sword being drawn, so what is "the sound of a metal slice, like a blade scratching leather"? And then the second thud?

My initial guess was that the metal slice was actually the sword cutting into Sora, which his body was unable to register except as a sound, and then the second thud was his own body hitting the ground beside the King's. The rest of his senses blur, his whole body becomes "feeble, helpless," but he can feel "something hard against his back, like stone or concrete," which he mistakes for a wall but is actually the ground beneath him.

But then it turns out that the figure actually grabbed him by the throat and is holding him up against a wall. I would have thought there would be some other sensation associated with that--the hand at the throat, the head impacting the wall (where did the wall come from?). So that threw me a bit.

All of that said, the description was wonderful, the dialogue (though one-sided) was convincing, and the setup for the rest of the story was solid. I look forward to reading the rest of it.
 
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Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Woah. You placed "end of line, keyblade master" perfectly. Going to be checking in on this a bit. The little clippet that you've left us also seems quite captivating. A few little mix-ups (raining dropping like tears) but a very smooth read. Can't wait for more.
Thank you very much! :D And hopefully I can post it soon ;0; Editing it is taking forever ahh *headdesk* But I really appreciate the feedback!

(Yes, please! I wanna read the chapter you scraped, Rena.) This tiny update is making me anxious to read the next chapter. It's so gooood! <3 I can't wait to find out more about the mysterious burnett girl, who needs help, and the man, who may or may not help her.
Awesome, then I shall post it! ;w; And you'll find out soon, promise! :D

I did really enjoy the read and would like to offer some feedback. The first few points are just grammar and word choice; I don't usually like line-by-line proofreading, but since your story is so well-written overall, these stand out as just a few mistakes that are easy to correct.
Wow, thank you so much for the feedback! It's very, very helpful! ;w; I may not edit this prologue again (though, if I do, I'll fix the line-by-line mistakes), but everything is great feedback for the future chapters. Thank you so much! C:

Also, some of your word choices sound a bit odd to me, especially when they are synonyms for more common words. You very frequently use orbs instead of eyes in your description and action. Doing this once or twice to break up repetition (I find myself using too many expressions about characters' eyes for example) is a good practice, but when this comes to stand in for the more common word, it sounds a little strange.
I'll keep that in mind for next time, but do you have any suggestions for other words I could use in place of "eyes" and "orbs" and such? Or should I just use "eyes" for the most part and throw in "orbs" here and there? I tend to describe the characters looking around and it shows up often in my writing, so I wanted to see what else I could do.

However, there are ways it could possibly be made more effective. The opening 'reveal' of the characters I think risks becoming repetitive, dulling the shock of recognition. By light of a streetlamp, we see a collapsed silhouette (first reveal). That silhouette, not dead as it turns out, sees another collapsed silhouette (second reveal). This silhouette is dead, so the first silhouette looks up and sees another collapsed silhouette (third reveal). Why not have the opening shot to reveal three crumpled shadows on the ground, one of which turns out to be alive? The suspense of the scene would still be there in figuring out who these silhouettes belong to.

Also, and this might be something we're not supposed to understand yet, but Sora's condition at the very beginning of the scene confuses me. He seems to have just come from a battle--on his knees, gasping, his hands cut and bleeding. But when he looks up, he's apparently dumbfounded to find his friends (dead, also presumably from battle) lying around him. Maybe they were fighting together and Sora got knocked out, but in that case who were they fighting? When our mysterious antagonist finally encounters Sora, he acts like he's never seen the Keyblade wielder before. I'm not sure where Sora is coming from here.
Hmm, I may change that (with the three figures on the ground), but the prologue is meant to be from Sora's perspective. In one of the drafts that I had planned, Sora finishes the fight that they had against this figure and had become so caught up in defeating the figure that he failed to realize what happened to King Mickey and Riku. Although he's witnessed death before, he's never seen someone close to him dead, so I think he would treat the situation very naively, begging them to wake up even though he knows, deep down, that they won't. My goal was to have the story stuck in Sora's perspective and he realizes that they're dead, not knowing what to do or how to react.

It's a great idea, though! I probably wouldn't use it for the prologue, should I edit it again, but, if it's alright with you, perhaps I could use in it in the main story?

The 'fight' itself (not that it's much of a fair fight) is also hard to follow, which makes sense from Sora's disoriented state. But some pieces I still can't fit together, starting from this passage:


We already heard a SHING, presumably a sword being drawn, so what is "the sound of a metal slice, like a blade scratching leather"? And then the second thud?

My initial guess was that the metal slice was actually the sword cutting into Sora, which his body was unable to register except as a sound, and then the second thud was his own body hitting the ground beside the King's. The rest of his senses blur, his whole body becomes "feeble, helpless," but he can feel "something hard against his back, like stone or concrete," which he mistakes for a wall but is actually the ground beneath him.

But then it turns out that the figure actually grabbed him by the throat and is holding him up against a wall. I would have thought there would be some other sensation associated with that--the hand at the throat, the head impacting the wall (where did the wall come from?). So that threw me a bit.
Yeahhh, I was afraid that was going to be confusing >.< The figure does knock him aside and throw his senses off, using his immobilization as an opportunity to choke Sora. I could probably add in another sensation to better describe the situation and also add some backstory at the beginning, since they're in an alleyway at the time of the fight. (In one of the alleyways from the beginning area of the World that Never Was.)

But thank you so much again for the feedback! It's incredibly helpful and I'll definitely be using it to improve everything that I can with this story and my writing.

Otherwise, here's that first chapter that I was talking about. I hated how this turned out and it ends up being super useless to the story (and pretty confusing to boot), but hopefully this tides you over a bit until I can start posting chapters.
Spoiler Spoiler Show
I'm planning on starting that weekly or so at the beginning of the year, but I'll let you guys know when they're finished! C: And thank you so much for all of the comments and feedback! ahhhh it makes me so, so happy ;w;
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

I'll keep that in mind for next time, but do you have any suggestions for other words I could use in place of "eyes" and "orbs" and such? Or should I just use "eyes" for the most part and throw in "orbs" here and there? I tend to describe the characters looking around and it shows up often in my writing, so I wanted to see what else I could do.
I think using "eyes" for the most part is your safest bet, but you can also switch it up with words relating to the action of looking, for example "gaze," "sight," or "vision." I just thought the repeated use of "orbs," which I'm not used to as a synonym for eyes (though it's a good one!) was a bit distracting.

Takushi Rena said:
Hmm, I may change that (with the three figures on the ground), but the prologue is meant to be from Sora's perspective. In one of the drafts that I had planned, Sora finishes the fight that they had against this figure and had become so caught up in defeating the figure that he failed to realize what happened to King Mickey and Riku. Although he's witnessed death before, he's never seen someone close to him dead, so I think he would treat the situation very naively, begging them to wake up even though he knows, deep down, that they won't. My goal was to have the story stuck in Sora's perspective and he realizes that they're dead, not knowing what to do or how to react.
I didn't mean to take it outside of Sora's perspective (though the opening "shot" is already in the third-person: we are looking down on Sora's body, not through his eyes just yet). I was just confused about why Sora is already cut and bleeding, but we don't see any enemies until he is ambushed by our mysterious antagonist; also why he was unaware before this precise second of the King's and Riku's fates. The effect you were going for, to show Sora's helplessness in the face of his friends' deaths, you accomplish very well.

Takushi Rena said:
Yeahhh, I was afraid that was going to be confusing >.< The figure does knock him aside and throw his senses off, using his immobilization as an opportunity to choke Sora. I could probably add in another sensation to better describe the situation and also add some backstory at the beginning, since they're in an alleyway at the time of the fight. (In one of the alleyways from the beginning area of the World that Never Was.)
Ah, and I had no sense that they were in an alleyway at the beginning of the fight--the streetlights and Sora's movement between the bodies suggested to me that they were in a large, open area, possibly the area in front of the tower where Riku and Roxas fought in Days. That would probably help establish the scene and make more sense of the following fight.

Takushi Rena said:
But thank you so much again for the feedback! It's incredibly helpful and I'll definitely be using it to improve everything that I can with this story and my writing.
It's a pleasure to write feedback for good stories! If any of this is helpful in following chapters, so much the better.


The "scrapped" first chapter is interesting, but it doesn't feel like a chapter--more like an opening glimpse to many different chapters, each of which would need to develop into its own story.
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Spoiler Spoiler Show
Rena, you write the most marvelous pieces I've ever seen. This could of been seen on the back of a book, or at the beginning of a chapter. An introduction of sorts that partially connects to the story in a small way. Especially the last part where it says "The Keyblade Masters are gone. But, in their place, the light lives on: the light that will banish the darkness." A powerful sentence that makes your heart pound in excitement, anticipation, and suspense. Thank you for showing up this scrapped piece of writing. C:

I look forward to seeing more of your story in the beginning of the new year.
 

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

I have not forgotten about this, promise!! Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments; I really appreciate all of the support and feedback on this project! ;w;

But, a quick update on what's going on with it: I'm unfortunately having a really hard time with editing it as a whole (and an even worse time trying to edit scenes and such), so my current goal is to release the first few chapters in March. I'm also working on two radioplay scripts involving this story, but I'll most likely post those in a separate thread. (It's my first time writing a script, so I want to make it as best as it can be! :D)

I know March is super far off, so I will try my best to keep this thread as updated as possible. Otherwise, the first chapters should be out then! My goal is to complete the first five chapters before posting and I plan on releasing one chapter per week.

Well cant wait to see the first chapter x3 I wait impatiently Rena XD.
Lulz, you'll be waiting impatiently for quite a bit, unfortunately xD I'm trying to finish it ASAP, but it's taking much longer than anticipated ;0; But ahh, hope you enjoy the final version! C:

I think using "eyes" for the most part is your safest bet, but you can also switch it up with words relating to the action of looking, for example "gaze," "sight," or "vision." I just thought the repeated use of "orbs," which I'm not used to as a synonym for eyes (though it's a good one!) was a bit distracting.
Okies, that's an awesome idea! :D I'll see what works in each specific part, but I will cut back on using "orbs" as much. It does seem distracting, now that I look back at it. ;w;

I didn't mean to take it outside of Sora's perspective (though the opening "shot" is already in the third-person: we are looking down on Sora's body, not through his eyes just yet). I was just confused about why Sora is already cut and bleeding, but we don't see any enemies until he is ambushed by our mysterious antagonist; also why he was unaware before this precise second of the King's and Riku's fates. The effect you were going for, to show Sora's helplessness in the face of his friends' deaths, you accomplish very well.
That's a good point D: I was considering rewriting out the scene that starts with Sora defeating the enemy then realizing that Riku and the King are dead. I may finish that edit, but I'm not sure yet >.< But yay, thank you! That was my hope, so glad that it turned out well xD

It's a pleasure to write feedback for good stories! If any of this is helpful in following chapters, so much the better.

The "scrapped" first chapter is interesting, but it doesn't feel like a chapter--more like an opening glimpse to many different chapters, each of which would need to develop into its own story.
It'll definitely be helpful! Thank you so much again! :D I'm sorry that I'm not going to use it on the prologue, though, but if I ever decide to edit it in the future, I will definitely use your feedback to improve it!

That was a bit of my goal with that chapter, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the story, since the story focuses primarily on one of those characters (or at least follows their perspective). All three characters' paths converge in the first chapter, but it doesn't fit very well with the rest of the chapters, at least in my opinion.

Rena, you write the most marvelous pieces I've ever seen. This could of been seen on the back of a book, or at the beginning of a chapter. An introduction of sorts that partially connects to the story in a small way. Especially the last part where it says "The Keyblade Masters are gone. But, in their place, the light lives on: the light that will banish the darkness." A powerful sentence that makes your heart pound in excitement, anticipation, and suspense. Thank you for showing up this scrapped piece of writing. C:

I look forward to seeing more of your story in the beginning of the new year.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much, KitKat! :D And you're welcome! Glad you like it; I'm kind of partial to it, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the story very well, unfortunately. (But it does connect all of the characters together, so that's cool~ ;w;)
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Yay, I can work on this more again! :D I'm hoping to have something up soon, but, for now, here's a preview of something I have in mind!

Spoiler Spoiler Show
...is it bad that i literally just wrote that out lulz. But more is coming soon, promise! ;w;
 

KingdomKey

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

I'll admit, that was a really short preview. lol. I'm curious, what the story could be about, that involves a girl scrapping her knees, and getting blood on her hands. Could she of murdered somebody? Fail a race? Ah, so easily hyped with so little to go on. But yeah, its awesome to see a preview of what's to come, Rena! :D I'm going to assume, a girl will be the MC for this story.
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

lulz yeah, I'm sorry that it's so short! I thought some sort of preview would be better than nothing though xD;; But yosh, more is definitely coming! :D You'll find out what's going on soon enough~ >w<
 

Light

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

What a refreshing way to return to KHI. I really love the little excerpts that we've been seeing so far! The prelude given by that original first chapter has the workings of an epic. Can't wait for the next chapter!!!
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

What a refreshing way to return to KHI. I really love the little excerpts that we've been seeing so far! The prelude given by that original first chapter has the workings of an epic. Can't wait for the next chapter!!!
Thank you so much!! :D I really hope that it does turn out well~ And I'm sorry that I keep posting excerpts, rather than a full chapter. I want to make this as good as it can be, but the revision is taking longer than I thought it would lulz. But thank you so much for the awesome comments! C:
 

Takushi Rena

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Re: Overbit Chaos -- Prologue

Okies, I don't have anything to post (yet! but soon I will, promise! ;0;), but I actually wanted to see if anyone would mind being a beta reader for this chapter that I'm working on. Let me know! I would greatly appreciate any help~ ;u;

Otherwise, I promise I will have something soon! ;w; I'm planning on getting the first chapters out in June or July, once I have more time to work on revising~
 
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