WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. I said in the morning I will criticize, I am close to Stage 1 of sleep now XXDD
And I as refering to Lindsay, because I instantly made the connection to your name
Original Work: Shattered Skies
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WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. I said in the morning I will criticize, I am close to Stage 1 of sleep now XXDD
And I as refering to Lindsay, because I instantly made the connection to your name
Oh I get you...WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. I said in the morning I will criticize, I am close to Stage 1 of sleep now XXDD
And I as refering to Lindsay, because I instantly made the connection to your name
Haha, Florida is in the Central time zone right? I'm not sleepy, then again I'm a night owl.
lol to tell the truth I don't remember the names of the time zones...I believe it's in Eastern Time Zone right??
Regardless, it is 11:14 here :/ BUT NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!
Oh so yeah it's eastern, it's 10:16 here. I know there are parts of it in Central aren't there?
But back to the topic. When you give me your criticisms make sure to answer to my question of trying chapter 2 to the prologue.
But back to the topic. When you give me your criticisms make sure to answer to my question of trying chapter 2 to the prologue.
Aye aye captian!! *salutes*
And yes, some of Florida, the panhandle, I believe is in central.
Yeah, I double posted. So what, I am just that bada$$! Do something! XD jk
Critique
1. When Van first appears, his name is never mentioned yet Lindsay said it...
2. I like the descriptions of the location, good detail. Also good detail as to what Zeagal is thinking, seeing, and hearing.
3. Introduction into chapter was nice, and new character waking him up is good too.
4. When in refering to a person more than once in the same sentence, there is little need to reeat the name. For example:
No- "As Zeagal walked over there, Zeagal saw a bird."
Yes- "As Zeagal walked over there, he saw a bird."
5. I love Orin XD
6. And I did catch on to the connection to the prologue, but will not spoil it fot those who haven't. VERY NICE connection!! Mysterious...
7. The story flows well, a bit rough here and there, but I think you do well to transition between scenes.
So when's Ch3??
Critique
1. When Van first appears, his name is never mentioned yet Lindsay said it...
2. I like the descriptions of the location, good detail. Also good detail as to what Zeagal is thinking, seeing, and hearing.
3. Introduction into chapter was nice, and new character waking him up is good too.
4. When in refering to a person more than once in the same sentence, there is little need to reeat the name. For example:
No- "As Zeagal walked over there, Zeagal saw a bird."
Yes- "As Zeagal walked over there, he saw a bird."
5. I love Orin XD
6. And I did catch on to the connection to the prologue, but will not spoil it fot those who haven't. VERY NICE connection!! Mysterious...
7. The story flows well, a bit rough here and there, but I think you do well to transition between scenes.
So when's Ch3??
1. Good eye, I didn't notice that probably since I get the connection more.
2.3. Ok, good. Thanks
4. I'll take another look when I edit the chapter again.
5. Me too!
6. I wonder...do you really? PM me what you think the main connection is.
7. Include some specific spots in PM please. I don't quite get it.
I hope to re-edit Ch. 2 and will post a special unedited version of Ch. 3 with the edit of the second chapter.
2.3. Ok, good. Thanks
4.
I'll take another look when I edit the chapter again.5. Me too!
6. I wonder...do you really? PM me what you think the main connection is.
7. Include some specific spots in PM please. I don't quite get it.
I hope to re-edit Ch. 2 and will post a special unedited version of Ch. 3 with the edit of the second chapter.
Yeah, I'mma double post, what of it? Anyways here is an special unedited as much as the others edition of Chapter 3. Enjoy and don't criticise too harshly as I have yet to fully edit it. Hell I still have to re-do parts of Chapter 2.
The pair walked around the large storage room of lab subjects. Lindsay looked for a storage room for everyone’s clothing and belongings while Van searched for an emergency exit. “Alright, score!” Lindsay shouted when she opened a door and found piles of clothes, “My clothes…my precious clothes.” She lunged at the pile searching for her stuff. “Ha, I found you,” she said kissing her shirt. “You don’t know how lost I was without you. Look what they made me wear, it’s hideous.”
“What are you doing in here? Hey, it’s the girl, she escaped.” The soldier was patrolling the building and heard noises on the other side of the room, he came over to investigate.
“Uh-oh,” Lindsay said waving her hand slightly and laughing nervously. He drew his sword and came through the door. Lindsay stood and backed away slowly, she hit the wall, a dead end. The soldier held is sword above his head ready to run Lindsay through. Suddenly, a sword point protruded out from his chest accompanied by dark blood. The man fell to the ground. Van placed one foot on the dead body and pulled out his sword wiping it clean with a rag when it was free.
“Go get Zeagal and meet me at the bottom of the fire escape stairs, it’s time to go.” Van said urgently to Lindsay who was sitting there frozen with fear, “Now!” He yelled. Lindsay nodded her head and ran out of the room. One soldier would only lead to more.
“Hey Zeagal, wake up. Van’s here,” Lindsay said shaking Zeagal awake.
“Huh?” Zeagal said. He got up and walked over to the wall listening as if expecting something to happen, he was thinking. Thinking about the dream he had that day, the day of the ambush. His father was there and he remembered that he wanted to tell someone so badly, but the memories seemed so far away. Zeagal sighed. A few moments later sirens started to go off.
“Come on, let’s go” Lindsay said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the cell door. She led him down the center isle of the storage room. The two could hear the shouts of waking prisoners wanting their own taste of freedom as the two lucky ones passed their cells. “Van is waiting two floors below us. We need to find our clothes and get down there fast, before security shows up.”
“What is going on?” Zeagal asked rubbing his eyes with his free hand.
“Van is busting us out stupid!” shouted Lindsay. Lindsay realized that she was still holding Zeagal’s hand and got wide-eyed. She let go and turned away before he noticed her blush. “Quick, this way,” she said hurrying him along.
She led him to the utility room near one corner of the storage area. In it were about twenty compartments full of people’s clothing. “Don’t waste too much time looking, if you can’t find your clothes just settle for something else. I’ll be over here changing. If you even think about peeking, I’ll hit you so hard…”
“Don’t worry, I won’t look. I’ll be too busy searching. How did you find yours so fast?”
“I looked for this room before I woke you up and my clothes were lying right on top. Did you find your stuff yet?”
“Nah, I’ll just put on this stuff here, it looks ok. Hey, what are we going to do about weapons? I assume we would need them now.”
“There’s a locker room full of them on the floor below, Van picked some out for us while he waited. Ok, are you ready to leave?” She stepped out from behind the crates wearing a green shirt that didn’t quite reach her waist and tied the bottom in a knot making it look smaller, but easier to move in. She wore short white shorts that went with the shirt and had a small fire-like design in one corner. Her shoes were orange and were accompanied by high socks, on her left leg she had a piece of reddish armor attached by strips of stretchy fabric to the leg of her shorts and her shoe. Her hair was pinned out of her face with a pink hair ribbon and by two barrettes on both sides of her head. Zeagal noticed that she had a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a red rose.
“Yep, let’s go.” Zeagal said. His new outfit was a black shirt covered in odd shapes of triangles and crescents under a second shirt of thin material that resembled a jacket. It had varying shades of red yellow and orange with a pocket on each sleeve and on each side of the shirt itself. He had a black belt with a configuration of purple triangles as the buckle. His pants were blue and made out of a loose material. It had a design on the leg that matched one on his shirt and was coincidentally the similar to Lindsay’s barrettes. On his right leg was a red stripe that spiraled down to his shoes which were black with yellow striped patterns. He also found some blue gloves to match the pants he wore that snapped closed and had straps.
The doors to the main storage room flew open and Empire soldiers came pouring in. “We better get moving,” said Lindsay worriedly, “Come on.” The two ran out of the room and down the outside edge of the area. The door to the fire escape was in the other corner. They didn’t have to worry about running into any soldiers because they were running in the opposite direction of the main door. They just had to be careful about not being found and chased, unfortunately they weren’t careful enough.
Van ran swiftly down the stairs of the fire exit. The sirens were loud especially in the compact hall of an escape route. He reached the bottom floor and flung the door open. He saw about ten vans pulling up to the building all bearing the mark of the Empire. “Damn it!” he cursed slamming the door. He had to think of something fast. He blocked the door with a piece of the stair railing he cut off with his sword and then ran upstairs to get Zeagal and Lindsay some weapons. As he was coming back down the door above him burst open and closed a second later with a bang followed by more coming from the other side. “Lindsay is that you?” He inquired.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she answered between the loud pangs of the door. She and Zeagal were leaning against the door keeping the soldiers back, and were being pushed forward each time the soldiers tried to break down the door.
“What’s going on up there?”
“Soldiers showed up and chased us to the door.” Zeagal said back.
“I noticed,” Van shouted up.
“Can we please get out of here,” Lindsay said with a pleading tone.
“Here catch,” Van threw up another piece of the railing along with a glove and two small swords. “Shove it through the handle and jam it into the wall. It should slow them down for now.” Van instructed.
Lindsay did what he told her while Zeagal walked over to the weapons Van found. He handed Lindsay the glove and kept the swords. Lindsay took a look at her new glove and giggled. She clamped it on her left hand and punched the air to test it out. “What are you so excited about?” Zeagal asked her while inspecting his swords’ purple tint. He wondered if it was really purple or if it was that strange presence in his mind again.
“You obviously don’t know what kind of glove this is.” she said folding her arms.
“Then tell me,” Zeagal returned.
She jumped slightly in excitement, “This glove is a state of the art BlastEdge 900 fully equipped with both poisoned and non-poisoned spikes and also has an explosion on impact feature with optional energy shield!” Lindsay said to Zeagal building up to an excited yell.
“You’ll have time to admire that thing later, let’s go!” Van shouted. A big bang came from behind the door to the main subject room. Lindsay jumped in surprise and ran over to Zeagal clutching his arm. She looked up at him and let out an embarrassed laugh. She threw his arm away from her and walked calmly down to the next floor greeting Van with a small smile. Zeagal ran down behind her. “Since the empire’s van’s are parked right outside the door on the bottom floor we have to go through the main doors in the lobby. There should only be a couple soldiers there guarding the exit. The others are either upstairs trying to break down the door or looking for you two elsewhere.” Van said with some confidence.
“Fine by me,” Zeagal said.
“If we have no other options,” Lindsay said kicking the wall lightly.
“Follow me,” Van told them, “don’t worry about being quiet, the ones up there already know where we are and will tell the others. If we don’t beat them down, it’s over.” With that Van sped down the metal stairs and stopped at a door a flight of stairs above the bottom, Lindsay and Zeagal following closely. Van cracked the door open.
The lobby of the Guard Facility had gold carpets on tiled red floor and white walls with high ceilings. There was a large curved receptionist desk across from where Van stood and to the left there was flight of stairs on each side of the room leading to a large platform spanning the entire left area that contained a few chairs and the entrance to the elevator. The exit was opposite of the platform and a person had to go down a flight of stairs before and after the doors to reach the city streets below. A grand total of four soldiers patrolled the lobby two on the platform and two by the doors. “I think we can take ‘em, what do you guys think?” asked Van smiling.
Lindsay sighed while Zeagal gave a more enthusiastic “Let’s go”.
Van closed the door “Stand back,” he said before giving the door a good hard kick knocking it off its hinges. Van rushed in and started running for the front doors. All four of the soldiers noticed and were on their way over.
“Jeez,” Lindsay said after Van took off running. “Did he have to break the door down?” Zeagal shrugged in response.
The soldiers guarding the door reached Van first. Van lifted his sword up and jumped into a flip cutting into the helmet of the faster running soldier who then slumped to the floor. Van landed and stabbed the slower guy in between two of his ribs while in a crouching position. Lindsay, rushing to help out, ran through the door ahead of a more hesitant Zeagal. “Behind you!” she shouted when she noticed one of the guards from the platform running fast toward Van. Van looked up from his crouch to see the soldier now only a few feet away. Van lifted his arm to block his face from the soldier’s sword.
Lindsay gasped as a purple tinted sword flew past her head. Van heard a clang of armor and slowly lifted his hand from his face to see his attacker on the floor with one of Zeagal’s swords in his chest. He then looked towards the door to the stairs and saw Zeagal standing against the frame. Zeagal just shrugged acting like it was nothing.
The fourth and final soldier was nearing the group, Van started to get up when he felt a force on his back push him back to the ground. Lindsay had sprinted the rest of the distance to Van and launched herself through the air using Van’s back as a platform. She clicked her glove into attack position and in midair slammed her fist, spikes and all, into the soldier’s chest. His armor crumpled as the spikes penetrated his body; he yelled in pain before his death.
Lindsay clicked her glove back into resting position and ran for the main doors. Zeagal pulled his sword out of the dead soldier on his way out and Van was following behind Lindsay. They ran down the steps burst through the doors and ran down more steps. Zeagal was about to get his first look at the city that had become his prison, Crutia.
Chapter 3: Escape to Crutia
The pair walked around the large storage room of lab subjects. Lindsay looked for a storage room for everyone’s clothing and belongings while Van searched for an emergency exit. “Alright, score!” Lindsay shouted when she opened a door and found piles of clothes, “My clothes…my precious clothes.” She lunged at the pile searching for her stuff. “Ha, I found you,” she said kissing her shirt. “You don’t know how lost I was without you. Look what they made me wear, it’s hideous.”
“What are you doing in here? Hey, it’s the girl, she escaped.” The soldier was patrolling the building and heard noises on the other side of the room, he came over to investigate.
“Uh-oh,” Lindsay said waving her hand slightly and laughing nervously. He drew his sword and came through the door. Lindsay stood and backed away slowly, she hit the wall, a dead end. The soldier held is sword above his head ready to run Lindsay through. Suddenly, a sword point protruded out from his chest accompanied by dark blood. The man fell to the ground. Van placed one foot on the dead body and pulled out his sword wiping it clean with a rag when it was free.
“Go get Zeagal and meet me at the bottom of the fire escape stairs, it’s time to go.” Van said urgently to Lindsay who was sitting there frozen with fear, “Now!” He yelled. Lindsay nodded her head and ran out of the room. One soldier would only lead to more.
***
“Hey Zeagal, wake up. Van’s here,” Lindsay said shaking Zeagal awake.
“Huh?” Zeagal said. He got up and walked over to the wall listening as if expecting something to happen, he was thinking. Thinking about the dream he had that day, the day of the ambush. His father was there and he remembered that he wanted to tell someone so badly, but the memories seemed so far away. Zeagal sighed. A few moments later sirens started to go off.
“Come on, let’s go” Lindsay said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the cell door. She led him down the center isle of the storage room. The two could hear the shouts of waking prisoners wanting their own taste of freedom as the two lucky ones passed their cells. “Van is waiting two floors below us. We need to find our clothes and get down there fast, before security shows up.”
“What is going on?” Zeagal asked rubbing his eyes with his free hand.
“Van is busting us out stupid!” shouted Lindsay. Lindsay realized that she was still holding Zeagal’s hand and got wide-eyed. She let go and turned away before he noticed her blush. “Quick, this way,” she said hurrying him along.
She led him to the utility room near one corner of the storage area. In it were about twenty compartments full of people’s clothing. “Don’t waste too much time looking, if you can’t find your clothes just settle for something else. I’ll be over here changing. If you even think about peeking, I’ll hit you so hard…”
“Don’t worry, I won’t look. I’ll be too busy searching. How did you find yours so fast?”
“I looked for this room before I woke you up and my clothes were lying right on top. Did you find your stuff yet?”
“Nah, I’ll just put on this stuff here, it looks ok. Hey, what are we going to do about weapons? I assume we would need them now.”
“There’s a locker room full of them on the floor below, Van picked some out for us while he waited. Ok, are you ready to leave?” She stepped out from behind the crates wearing a green shirt that didn’t quite reach her waist and tied the bottom in a knot making it look smaller, but easier to move in. She wore short white shorts that went with the shirt and had a small fire-like design in one corner. Her shoes were orange and were accompanied by high socks, on her left leg she had a piece of reddish armor attached by strips of stretchy fabric to the leg of her shorts and her shoe. Her hair was pinned out of her face with a pink hair ribbon and by two barrettes on both sides of her head. Zeagal noticed that she had a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a red rose.
“Yep, let’s go.” Zeagal said. His new outfit was a black shirt covered in odd shapes of triangles and crescents under a second shirt of thin material that resembled a jacket. It had varying shades of red yellow and orange with a pocket on each sleeve and on each side of the shirt itself. He had a black belt with a configuration of purple triangles as the buckle. His pants were blue and made out of a loose material. It had a design on the leg that matched one on his shirt and was coincidentally the similar to Lindsay’s barrettes. On his right leg was a red stripe that spiraled down to his shoes which were black with yellow striped patterns. He also found some blue gloves to match the pants he wore that snapped closed and had straps.
The doors to the main storage room flew open and Empire soldiers came pouring in. “We better get moving,” said Lindsay worriedly, “Come on.” The two ran out of the room and down the outside edge of the area. The door to the fire escape was in the other corner. They didn’t have to worry about running into any soldiers because they were running in the opposite direction of the main door. They just had to be careful about not being found and chased, unfortunately they weren’t careful enough.
***
Van ran swiftly down the stairs of the fire exit. The sirens were loud especially in the compact hall of an escape route. He reached the bottom floor and flung the door open. He saw about ten vans pulling up to the building all bearing the mark of the Empire. “Damn it!” he cursed slamming the door. He had to think of something fast. He blocked the door with a piece of the stair railing he cut off with his sword and then ran upstairs to get Zeagal and Lindsay some weapons. As he was coming back down the door above him burst open and closed a second later with a bang followed by more coming from the other side. “Lindsay is that you?” He inquired.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she answered between the loud pangs of the door. She and Zeagal were leaning against the door keeping the soldiers back, and were being pushed forward each time the soldiers tried to break down the door.
“What’s going on up there?”
“Soldiers showed up and chased us to the door.” Zeagal said back.
“I noticed,” Van shouted up.
“Can we please get out of here,” Lindsay said with a pleading tone.
“Here catch,” Van threw up another piece of the railing along with a glove and two small swords. “Shove it through the handle and jam it into the wall. It should slow them down for now.” Van instructed.
Lindsay did what he told her while Zeagal walked over to the weapons Van found. He handed Lindsay the glove and kept the swords. Lindsay took a look at her new glove and giggled. She clamped it on her left hand and punched the air to test it out. “What are you so excited about?” Zeagal asked her while inspecting his swords’ purple tint. He wondered if it was really purple or if it was that strange presence in his mind again.
“You obviously don’t know what kind of glove this is.” she said folding her arms.
“Then tell me,” Zeagal returned.
She jumped slightly in excitement, “This glove is a state of the art BlastEdge 900 fully equipped with both poisoned and non-poisoned spikes and also has an explosion on impact feature with optional energy shield!” Lindsay said to Zeagal building up to an excited yell.
“You’ll have time to admire that thing later, let’s go!” Van shouted. A big bang came from behind the door to the main subject room. Lindsay jumped in surprise and ran over to Zeagal clutching his arm. She looked up at him and let out an embarrassed laugh. She threw his arm away from her and walked calmly down to the next floor greeting Van with a small smile. Zeagal ran down behind her. “Since the empire’s van’s are parked right outside the door on the bottom floor we have to go through the main doors in the lobby. There should only be a couple soldiers there guarding the exit. The others are either upstairs trying to break down the door or looking for you two elsewhere.” Van said with some confidence.
“Fine by me,” Zeagal said.
“If we have no other options,” Lindsay said kicking the wall lightly.
“Follow me,” Van told them, “don’t worry about being quiet, the ones up there already know where we are and will tell the others. If we don’t beat them down, it’s over.” With that Van sped down the metal stairs and stopped at a door a flight of stairs above the bottom, Lindsay and Zeagal following closely. Van cracked the door open.
The lobby of the Guard Facility had gold carpets on tiled red floor and white walls with high ceilings. There was a large curved receptionist desk across from where Van stood and to the left there was flight of stairs on each side of the room leading to a large platform spanning the entire left area that contained a few chairs and the entrance to the elevator. The exit was opposite of the platform and a person had to go down a flight of stairs before and after the doors to reach the city streets below. A grand total of four soldiers patrolled the lobby two on the platform and two by the doors. “I think we can take ‘em, what do you guys think?” asked Van smiling.
Lindsay sighed while Zeagal gave a more enthusiastic “Let’s go”.
Van closed the door “Stand back,” he said before giving the door a good hard kick knocking it off its hinges. Van rushed in and started running for the front doors. All four of the soldiers noticed and were on their way over.
“Jeez,” Lindsay said after Van took off running. “Did he have to break the door down?” Zeagal shrugged in response.
The soldiers guarding the door reached Van first. Van lifted his sword up and jumped into a flip cutting into the helmet of the faster running soldier who then slumped to the floor. Van landed and stabbed the slower guy in between two of his ribs while in a crouching position. Lindsay, rushing to help out, ran through the door ahead of a more hesitant Zeagal. “Behind you!” she shouted when she noticed one of the guards from the platform running fast toward Van. Van looked up from his crouch to see the soldier now only a few feet away. Van lifted his arm to block his face from the soldier’s sword.
Lindsay gasped as a purple tinted sword flew past her head. Van heard a clang of armor and slowly lifted his hand from his face to see his attacker on the floor with one of Zeagal’s swords in his chest. He then looked towards the door to the stairs and saw Zeagal standing against the frame. Zeagal just shrugged acting like it was nothing.
The fourth and final soldier was nearing the group, Van started to get up when he felt a force on his back push him back to the ground. Lindsay had sprinted the rest of the distance to Van and launched herself through the air using Van’s back as a platform. She clicked her glove into attack position and in midair slammed her fist, spikes and all, into the soldier’s chest. His armor crumpled as the spikes penetrated his body; he yelled in pain before his death.
Lindsay clicked her glove back into resting position and ran for the main doors. Zeagal pulled his sword out of the dead soldier on his way out and Van was following behind Lindsay. They ran down the steps burst through the doors and ran down more steps. Zeagal was about to get his first look at the city that had become his prison, Crutia.
GAH I AM SO HOOKED ON YOUR STORY. It's like a drug. *.*
DON'T STOP, PLEASE!!! I'LL DIE IF YOU STOP!!!!!
DON'T STOP, PLEASE!!! I'LL DIE IF YOU STOP!!!!!
Thanks. Don't worry, I won't stop. I don't even have all I have written posted, however with the end of the year ruch I'm gonna be a bit too busy to do editing and all that.
yeah, i feel ya. ><
Thanks for posting something. I've been rather dry on feedback lately.
No prob!!!!! *thumbs up*
just keep writing and i'll keep reading.......
just keep writing and i'll keep reading.......
It's been a really long time since I posted in this but I figured I'd at least finish out the first part, I guess is what it is. This is chapters 4 and 5 edited. So enjoy it if you wanna and tell me what you think. I hope the formating is relatively okay...
Chapter 4: The Resistance
The city of Crutia was a busy one. It had started to rain and was still night, almost all the buildings were skyscrapers with flashing billboard signs on them advertising different items an average citizen would need. A great wall bordered the city on all edges becoming more evident to Zeagal the farther he ran and the more he saw. The streets were congested with people and vehicles moving about. This was a great advantage to the trio of fugitives running from the Guard Lab. With so many people, they could easily blend in. The group was running as fast as they could down the street. Van told Zeagal and Lindsay that he was taking them to the resistance headquarters so only he knew where they were going. About two blocks down the street, Zeagal looked back at the lab. The soldiers there had realized their target evaded them and were pouring out the front and side doors. Half of them jumped in the vans, while the other half wasted no time in chasing after Zeagal and his two friends and began pounding down the street on foot. “Guys,” Zeagal said worriedly, “I think we have company.”
“More than you know,” Van told him, “Look.” A few blocks down the road there was a troupe of soldiers spanning the width of the street, all armed, some with bows and others operating guns mounted on the tops of the vans. “They came prepared…Hurry, this way,” Van yelled back before taking a sharp turn at the next street corner. Van sped up in his urgency getting farther ahead of Lindsay and Zeagal who were, at this point, struggling to keep up. Soon people were filling up the space behind Van cutting Zeagal and Lindsay off from him. Van looked back and stopped at another corner waving them over. Lindsay and Zeagal tried to make their way through the maze of people but it was no use, the street was too crowded. Zeagal had noticed several people come forward from the crowd surrounding him. Zeagal was alone, isolated. He heard shouts from Lindsay and assumed she was in a similar situation. Zeagal felt a sharp jolt of pain in his back and his world went black.
***
Zeagal opened his eyes. He knew not where he was or how long he had been there. He was lying on a bed in a comfortably small chamber lit with electric lights. Zeagal slowly got out of the bed and started investigating his location. There were no windows and it appeared to him that the room was constructed from stone. There was one wooden door in the room and Zeagal assumed that it led to a main hallway. His immediate thought was that this was some sort of prison and he was trapped in this room. He tried the door and found that the building was not a prison at all, the door wasn’t locked. Zeagal was right about the hall; it was quite large and had several other doors like his in both directions. The floor was covered in one wide strip of red and gold carpet and the walls had electric torch lights screwed in to them. The shape of the hallway itself was more of a tunnel, the bottom was flat and the ceiling was curved.
Zeagal looked down one end of the hallway and saw several people in white robes walking about the hallway doing what Zeagal assumed to be their jobs, going in and out of doors with cleaning supplies. He was about to look the other direction when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped and turned to see a man in a similar white robe that looked to be in his forties, his hair was graying and his eyes were a deep and kind green. “So sorry to frighten you sir,” the man said, “you’re the one called Zeagal, am I correct?”
“Yes, I am Zeagal,” he said questioningly, “could you please tell me where I am?”
“Certainly, but first come with me,” the man said motioning Zeagal to walk with him. Zeagal followed down the hall in the direction the man had come. “I have orders to bring you to the council chamber. Your friends should already be there.”
“So Lindsay and Van are okay?” Zeagal asked as he started to walk down the long hall.
“Yes, they are perfectly safe,” the man replied, “My name is Kingin by the way, and this is the headquarters for the resistance. It is built deep within the catacombs of the city, the emperor himself knows not of what lies below these city streets.”
“So why are you taking me to the council chamber?” Zeagal asked.
“Our leader Theom would like to ask a favor of you. He would also like to shed a little light on the history of Guardians before you and what you must do as a Guardian now. I’m sure the things you’ve seen and heard lately confuse you.”
“Pretty much all of it has,” Zeagal said with a chuckle.
The two came to a large set of double doors. “Through these doors is the council chamber, your friends will be waiting, but this is far as I can take you. Only high ranking officials are allowed in that room, you being a Guardian qualifies I’m sure. Good luck.”
“Thanks again,” Zeagal said gratefully as he waved goodbye to Kingin who had waved back before walking down the long hallway, leaving Zeagal alone before the doors to the council room. Zeagal took a deep breath and opened the doors to the chamber before him.
The council room had rows upon rows of seats sloping upwards from the front of the room to the back where Zeagal now stood. There was a small aisle every tenth seat. The chairs were facing a high desk that spanned the entire back wall and to access it one would have to come through another door from behind. There were many places at the desk presumably for the council members during important meetings, but today only a few seats were filled. The center most chair was taken by a man wearing a red tunic over thinner robes than what Kingin wore. The man had a short dark brown beard with slightly longer hair and was wearing a large pendant. He looked to be in his late thirties. There were only two other people behind the desk, one was a man wearing a dark green tunic over the same thin robes as the first man. He had short black hair and tanned skin. He was sitting in the chair to the left of the older man. The other person was a young woman with blonde hair standing to the older man’s right wearing blue and gold robes, glasses, and was holding a very old looking book. As Zeagal started walking down the center aisle he realized there was a balcony overhead, he also saw two more people standing on the floor in front of the large desk, Van and Lindsay. The man with the red tunic stood and gestured to Zeagal, “Ah, you are Zeagal I presume. Welcome, we have been expecting you. My name is Theom.”
Lindsay turned around and gave Zeagal a hug. “There you are. We were starting to think you got lost.”
“No, I’m fine and thanks for the welcome.” Zeagal said back, “What’s this meeting about? Kingin said something about a favor, what is it?”
“Of course, but more on that later, first I would like to tell you about the Guardians.” Theom whispered to the blonde woman who opened her book and then started waving her hand over the text mumbling some words. Her book shot out a beam of light that grew until it enveloped the entire chamber. The light took on different shades and even form until it appeared that they were teleported somewhere else. The walls were a crumbling brick and it became apparent that the room in which they now stood was on top of a mountain. Lindsay gasped and stepped closer to Van who acted very unsurprised. “What did you do Theom?!?” Zeagal shouted taken aback by the whole display, slightly frightened.
“Relax,” Theom chuckled, “We are still safe inside the headquarters Vier has just cast an illusion spell to help better relate to you the tale of the Guardians.” Vier waved a hello, her hand was glowing now because she had to maintain the spell. “What you see here,” Theom said, “are ruins of the once magnificent fortress of the Guardians. They were beings said to have descended from the sky and were revered by both the past and future.”
“Wha-,” was all Zeagal was able to get out. Lindsay and Van just looked to the floor.
“Hold on a minute, I’ll explain,” Theom continued, “Yes, it is here at this point that time is split between the past and the future by a difference of over five hundred years. This invisible line creates a mirror image of the planet on each side almost as if there are two individual planets. No one really knows why the planet is this way. Some say our world was split when the Guardians came. Others think it was always that way. Do I still have you?”
Zeagal didn’t know what to think. In his mind, he thought about fainting as his idea of what the world was like had just blown apart. For the moment he was just staring silently at Theom, mouth slightly open in surprise. “Yeah, sure, keep going Theom.” What else could he have said? It’s not like he would know if it was a lie.
“Good,” Theom cleared his throat before beginning again. “To protect the planet the Guardians built a magical wall that prevented the world’s technologies mixing, as well as, to keep people other than Guardians from passing through to the other side. If people and technologies were intertwined the world’s natural order would be put to ruins. To prevent that from happening, the Guardians made sure that no one knew of the other half’s existence.” The spell changed and they were now looking down from the sky at the fortress, there were people fighting below. Zeagal, Lindsay, and Van were both surprised as to how they were able to stay above ground, but eventually became used to the sensation.
“The people of the future eventually learned of this secret, and led by a greedy emperor of a country called Londora, the future realm waged a war with the Guardians. The emperor’s goal was to bring about his own reign by conquering the past and establishing himself as a legend of the past and a permanent emperor. The Guardians fought bravely to prevent this, but did not succeed. As you can guess, the Guardians were destroyed.” Again the spell changed the room, now they were shown the center chamber of the fortress and the Guardians casting some sort of spell. “Before the fortress fell,” Theom went on, “the remaining Guardians in an attempt to ensure the survival of the Guardian lineage scattered their power between the two times. This weakened the magic barrier they created so much that anyone could now cross through, and the empire took advantage of this.” The images changed once again, now showing the invasion of the past. “The people of the past could not stand up to the technology the future possessed, they stood no chance. The empire quickly took over their world. The whole time keeping the existence of a future realm secret from the frightened victims who assumed it to be the end of the world. Time passed and resistance built up, some villages even managed to drive the empire away from the area completely and for the first time there was hope that these strange invaders could be defeated.”
“What does this have to do with us?” Zeagal asked finally after getting his thoughts in order.
“In due time,” was Theom’s answer. Vier snapped her fingers and the images switched to a throne room. In the throne sat an elf emperor and before him stood four figures in black robes with intricately designed patterns each in a different color, one red, one blue, one green, and one yellow. The emperor was wearing a similar robe, black with patterns, but his were glowing white. “The invasion seemed almost easy for the emperor. It wasn’t until one hundred years after it started that that the invasion became more a war than a takeover. He was beginning to worry that he would not succeed in his plans, so he hired four of the best oracles in the world as his advisors. They told him of the Guardians’ last hope of defeating the empire and told him that if the ones who received the Guardians power defeated the empire, that his present, the past’s future, would no longer be as it had been and his reign would end, or in this case never be.” Vier snapped and the room changed again to show the facilities set up by the emperor. The three young Guardians had gotten used to these rapid changes of scenery by now and it was slowly becoming annoying.
“The emperor grew mad searching for the new Guardians. He set up centers all over the past and future testing all beings for characteristics the oracles had given him. The problem was that they did not specify if the new Guardians were all human creating a difficult task for the empire.” Vier clenched her fist and the spell terminated. “This brings us to our present time. From what our information says, the empire only knows the identity of five Guardians. You three, Vier and one other still in the Guard lab.”
“Uh, I’m not sure if you know, but I’m not a Guardian, I don’t think,” Van said.
“Well four then,” Theom said to no one in particular, “I apologize for assuming, but don’t be surprised if you learn otherwise.”
Van nodded in return.
“Yeah, that explained a lot about the mixed technologies and all this with the war, fine, especially in this city,” Zeagal interrupted Theom, “But, how is it that you know so much about the Guardians?” Zeagal asked, a hint of anger in his voice, “Are there still some remaining?”
“No, all of them were killed,” Theom answered with sorrow, “There were, however, followers of the Guardians later called the Seekers. They were told by the last Guardians to find their successors and aid them in finally destroying the emperor and his armies. The Seekers spread themselves all over the two realms setting up resistance bases just like the empire did with their labs. We, however, do not conduct experiments.” Theom laughed. “Moving on, this resistance is of course one of those bases. We try to keep them centered around the Guard Labs like this one in Crutia so we can help the Guardians who need it most.”
“Getting back to the point of us being here, what’s the favor?” Zeagal asked bluntly.
“Yes that,” Theom replied, “We would like you three and Vier to go back into the Guard Lab and bring the remaining Guardian back here. Vier will train you until the day of the mission which is four days from now. Including you Van, even though you claim to not be a Guardian. It will still do you good. Will you do it?”
Zeagal was about to say no when Lindsay punched him in the arm, “Ouch, damn it Lindsay!” Zeagal yelled rubbing his arm.
“We’d be more than happy to,” Lindsay said with a smile.
To be honest, Zeagal didn’t care one way or another about helping the resistance, a huge part of him wanted to just go back to his home and fall back into routine. He still had to find out if his mother was alright, but in spite of his first instincts, Zeagal decided to go along with Lindsay’s nature of wanting to help everyone. He figured that once this mission is over, Theom would be indebted to him and would be able to help Zeagal find his mother.
“Ah, Splendid,” said Theom laughing, “Rothton will show you to your living quarters for the next few days. We will meet back here the night before the mission to see how much you three have improved.” Theom stood up, bowed his head, and left the room through the door behind the desk platform with Vier following behind.
Rothton decided against going the long way and jumped over the desktop to the floor about five feet below. He landed swiftly and brushed off his clothes pretending like he had not committed such a ridiculous action. “Now then,” he said casually, “If you three would please follow me, I will show you to your apartments.”
Lindsay giggled at the man’s jump as she followed Rothton, Van, and Zeagal through the doors of the chamber and into the hall on the other side.
“Our apartments?” Lindsay asked catching up to the three.
“Yes, that is what I said.” Rothton answered, “Your old rooms are not meant to be lived in; they are used to hold visitors and the like for short periods of time.”
“Oh,” Lindsay said blankly, “So who are you?”
“I am Rothton, my age is twenty-three, and in the Seekers I council Theom on matters of war. Sort of a right hand to Theom.” Rothton replied. Lindsay giggled again and Van rolled his eyes as the group turned a corner into another hallway.
***
The next day Zeagal, Lindsay, and Van went to their training session with Vier. Rothton was kind enough to give them directions to the place. The three of them walked in through two large familiar-looking doors and found themselves in a tan colored room. The ceiling was enormously high up and the overall floor space was that of a small farming field. The only light came from a recessed glass dome in the ceiling that filtered it down from the floor above. It was a very plain room other than its size, there was nothing special about it. Just the tan walls and the tan floor and Vier. Vier stood about ten feet away from the trio; arms crossed holding her spell book. “Ready?” she asked. Vier was wearing blue and gold again, but instead of long flowing robes she wore a coat shirt cut into three tail pieces falling past her knees with gold trim and a sleek floor length golden skirt underneath it. Her long hair was done different as well and formed a bun shape leading into a ponytail that fell slightly past her shoulders the rest of her hair was laid flat.
Lindsay put her hand on her hip, “You know it!” she shouted with a smile. Lindsay always tried to see the fun in things.
“Glad to hear it,” said Vier, “Shall we get started?”
“The sooner we start, the sooner we get done,” Van sighed.
“We don’t need attitude, Van,” scolded Zeagal, “Some of us have a reason to be here.”
“That’s right,” Vier said stepping back from the group. She flipped open her book and recited some words. There was a bright flash of light. Lindsay and Zeagal shielded their eyes, but Van just turned away. After the light cleared, Vier could be seen controlling a spiraling golden strand of energy above her head with her finger. “This energy is in essence what makes a Guardian a Guardian, sort of an aura. Every Guardian holds energy like this one, each a different color. Zeagal, you probably know most about this. I know for a fact that you have seen something like this at least twice, am I correct?”
Zeagal rubbed his eyes still a bit blinded by the light. “Yeah, I guess. Mine was purple though.”
“So what do you do with it?” Lindsay asked. Her head tilted to the side.
“Once this power is awakened of course, it has many uses. For instance, if I store it in my arm, my punches will become as strong as yours Lindsay. Or I can unleash it in one devastating attack like Zeagal has done. One could even create a shield or other weapon out of it. It has also been proposed that there are other uses and functions of this aura, like flight, but our researchers have yet to learn anything that supports that claim.” Vier slammed her book shut and her golden energy suddenly dispersed.
“Wow,” Lindsay exclaimed, “How do you awaken it?”
“That’s the hard part,” Vier rubbed her temple, “You see, we don’t exactly know how to do that yet. It has been suggested that this so called power will reveal itself to the Guardian during a life threatening event when the mind and body are under great stress, fatigue, or pain. Sort of like what happens with adrenaline.”
“Oh,” Lindsay frowned and crossed her arms. “Well my day is ruined.”
“Don’t worry too much Lindsay,” Vier told her, “Yours will awaken when the time is right. Ugh, for now we’ll move on to some combat training, maybe that will help.”
“Alright! This I can do.” Lindsay shouted making a fist.
Chapter 5: Rescue
Zeagal, Van, Lindsay, and Vier made their way down the dark crowded streets of Crutia towards the Guard Lab, their rescue mission underway. The last four days of training had been hard, but had also prepared them for anything ahead. Lindsay is still disappointed that she can’t use the aura, she pouted about it for quite a while. Lindsay, Van, and Zeagal’s combat skills have improved regardless, and the three are now good friends with Vier. At the conference with Theom on their last day of training, he talked about a full-fledged revolt against the empire’s presence in the city that was depending on the success of the current mission. Theom also mentioned a refuge near the Shrine of Slumber, if for some reason they could not make it back to the resistance safely. Zeagal had informed them all that the Shrine was just a two day trip northwest from his home of Nevaar Village.
The group had reached the doors of the lab, they were unlocked. The four went up the stairs and entered the lobby. It was empty. “Odd,” Vier stated as she pushed her glasses up on her nose. “There are usually guards or janitorial staff around at this time of night and the doors are never unlocked.”
“Maybe they’re on to us,” Lindsay suggested with a hint of fear.
“I doubt it,” Van answered sourly.
“Still,” Vier interrupted, “Keep your guard up.”
Zeagal who had walked ahead and was nearing the elevator whistled the other three over. Vier and Van went to follow while Lindsay was a bit more tentative.
“Shouldn’t we use the stairs?” She asked slowly following the other two up the flight of stairs to the elevator and Zeagal.
“If the empire knows we are here, then how we get up there doesn’t matter. It will save us time this way.” Vier stated bluntly. The elevator arrived and the four of them stepped inside.
“But what if they don’t know we are here, taking the stairs would allow us to be quieter and draw less attention.” Lindsay pleaded.
“It’s too late now dear,” Vier said trying to be comforting. “Try not to worry.” The elevator ride was over quickly and the group stepped out and onto the floor of the familiar storage room. Huge boxes and crates filled with people, test subjects, were placed in a grid pattern throughout the room.
Zeagal walked forward down a center aisle heading towards the testing area. “Hey, Vier!” Zeagal hollered back. “Where is this guy we are rescuing?” Zeagal stopped suddenly. He heard a noise and looked up towards the assumed source. Zeagal quickly rolled, narrowly escaping the edge of a huge double handed sword that implanted itself into the hard concrete floor. Lindsay screamed in shock and took a step closer to Van. Vier gasped too. Zeagal squinted into the distance down one of the adjacent aisles. He could see a figure emerging from the shadows.
“What is it?” asked Lindsay, stepping a bit out from Van’s side as she asked.
Zeagal looked deeper into the shadows and could make out the figure that was Orin. He was expecting them. An angry expression crept onto Zeagal’s face.
“What’s there?” Lindsay asked again, growing more desperate.
“It’s a trap!” Zeagal shouted, “Orin knew we were coming.”
“That’s right I did know. I know everything, about the rescue mission, about Theom, about the resistance.” Orin stepped into the central aisle and plucked his sword out from the concrete with almost no effort and stood holding it in one hand. He was wearing a lab coat like before, but it was open. He was wearing a tight black shirt with bright green patterns that matched his eyes and tan baggy pants underneath.
“B-But how?” Vier stammered “The resistance is a very secretive organization.”
“I have my spies Vier.” Orin answered back eerily, “That’s right, I even know about you, and you as well Van.”
“Who is telling you all this!” Van demanded, “We will make him pay.”
“It doesn’t matter who it is,” Orin flaunted, “Your resistance is being crushed as we speak.”
Vier took a staggering step back, “How can that be? Tell me, who did this?”
“I don’t think I will.” Orin said grinning.
Van crouched slightly, reaching for his sword. “Vier,” he whispered, “Do you know where you are supposed to go?”
“Yes…why?” she whispered back.
“Just go,” Van said back, “We’ll deal with Orin.”
Vier nodded and ran off down a side aisle looking for their target. If she could reach him and break him free, then the mission wouldn’t be a total failure. It was dark in the storage room making it difficult to know where exactly she was. She looked back on her friends, fearing a fight. She had better hurry, she thought. Once Vier was sure she was in the right area, she started checking the crates. “Tros,” she whispered, “are you in here?”
***
After Vier left, Orin started to laugh. Lindsay got ready for a fight and crouched a little like Van. “What’s so funny?” Lindsay asked Orin meanly.
“You are that’s what.” Orin laughed again, “You four are quite pitiful. Thinking you can actually accomplish something by being here. Just surrender now, and maybe I won’t kill you.”
Zeagal backed away towards Lindsay and Van, reaching for his swords. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” Zeagal stated defiantly.
“Very well then,” Orin said with no emotion, “I hope we will have fun together.” He threw off his coat and brandished his sword before suddenly charging at Zeagal and his two friends with inhuman speed. Zeagal whipped out his swords just in time to block Orin’s blade. He barely managed to shake him off.
Van catapulted Lindsay off the flat of his blade. Lindsay flew through the air fist out in front and managed to grab onto Orin’s clothes. She pushed him into the ground and jumped away using his chest, landing with a flip behind him. Orin stood up slowly and staggered a bit. Van and Zeagal were off and running towards Orin giving him no time to react. The two of them lashed out at Orin with their blades again and again, each strike was surprisingly blocked by Orin’s own immense blade. Orin suddenly spun in a wide circle, his sword colliding with that of Van and Zeagal. The two were sent flying back down the center aisle.
Orin turned to face Lindsay. She swallowed hard and took a fighting stance. Orin grinned in response and rat at her. She stood her ground and punched outward nailing him in the face. He took the blow and effortlessly countered. Lindsay nimbly dodged his blade and threw out three quick punches with her spiked glove. He winced in pain and backed away, bleeding from the puncture wounds. Flowing from her punches into a swift kick, Lindsay slammed her foot into the side of Orin’s head. He was sent rolling down the aisle from the force of the kick. He then stood slowly. “I took you for a pacifist Lindsay,” Orin said through the pain, “Killing someone is robbing them of a future, that’s what you said earlier is it not?”
For a millisecond she was shocked he heard her saying that, but she didn’t want to five Orin the satisfaction of seeing her surprised and was able to quickly gather her thoughts. “This is totally different. Only a fool would stand by and let you destroy their life!”
“In that case I am rather unimpressed, is that really the best you can do?” He asked laughing, “Killing you will be easier than I had anticipated.”
Lindsay glared at him. She knew he wouldn’t kill them. If he did, the war between the two realms of Archea would be over because the Empire would have no way to transport troops.
“You wish!” Zeagal shouted, cutting through the intense silence. Zeagal had snuck up behind Orin and thrust one of his swords into Orin’s back, straight through to his chest. Lindsay looked away as Orin fell to the ground, but there was no blood from that last wound. Lindsay, assuming the fight was over, walked to Zeagal. Zeagal curiously reached for his sword and with a bright flash of light, Orin’s body started to glow green and he stood once more.
Still glowing, Orin pulled Zeagal’s sword from his own back. “I bet you’re going to need this.” Orin said as he threw Zeagal his sword, it landed and slid to his feet. The last of the green glow vanished and Orin stood before the three unscathed. “Never,” he paused, “Never, underestimate my strength. I am far more powerful than you three could imagine!”
Lindsay, Zeagal, and Van all tensed up. “Don’t underestimate us either!” Van shouted.
He ran at Orin ready to impale him. Lindsay reached out to Van as he ran, “Don’t” she said. Orin threw out his hand and a bright green flash of energy threw Van into the far wall over twenty feet away. Zeagal stepped protectively in front of Lindsay. Orin fired out another blast knocking Zeagal back as well. Orin was done messing around.
Lindsay, now alone, stared at Orin. He stared back at her readying a third blast. Lindsay desperately searching for a way to protect herself ran towards Orin. She expertly slid between his legs, and stood behind him smirking. He glared in return. Suddenly Lindsay felt a strange strength creep upon her. She looked at her gloved arm and found it to be glowing bright pink. She grinned, all her fear gone. Lindsay held her hand high in the air and slammed her fist into the ground. The pink energy left her hand in the form of a devastating shockwave speeding towards Orin, the floor deteriorating in its wake. Her power as a Guardian awakened.
Orin jumped into the air avoiding the shockwave. Zeagal and Van had recovered from Orin’s attack and jumped as well, attacking with their swords. Three swords collided in mid fall and remained transfixed until Van, Zeagal, and Orin gracefully landed away from the crumbling section of floor. The three jumped back and readied to attack again. “You three surprise me,” Orin said with another sick grin.
“How so?” Zeagal asked defensively.
“You have that annoying quality of persistence. It would be so much more convenient if you gave up now and saved me the trouble.”
Lindsay jumped the gaping hole in the floor her shockwave had created and landed near Orin. “The more trouble we cause you, the better.” she declared with a roundhouse kick aimed for the side of his head. Orin intercepted it and grabbed her leg. He threw her over his head into the wall of the storage room using no effort. Lindsay fell to the ground with a thud. Orin charged at Van next, and Van charged back, the two meeting in the center with a clash of steel.
Zeagal ran over to see if Lindsay was okay. A dazed Lindsay slowly sat up and put her hand to her head. “I’ll be fine.” She said to Zeagal weakly. With her other hand she waved Zeagal to the fight going on between Orin and Van. “Help your friend,” she told him. Zeagal nodded and turned to the fight.
A large explosion coming from Vier’s direction rang out through the vast room. Zeagal stopped. “Vier!” he yelled, “Sorry to forget about you, but is everything okay over there?”
“No, not really!” Vier yelled back.
“Why is that?” Van yelled in reply blocking attacks from Orin.
“We seem to have some company. Well a lot actually.” Vier said running down an aisle rejoining the group. She stood next to Zeagal.
“Ahh, so my backup has arrived. I told them not to come; I didn’t think they would be needed. They obviously have trouble listening to orders.” Orin told them lashing out at Van.
“Well did you free the captive at least?” Zeagal asked her in an urgent tone.
“Yes, but…” A loud roar cut Vier off.
“What the hell was that?” asked Van clashing swords with Orin once more.
“He went rogue basically,” Vier said wincing from another roar.
“I think it’s best for you three to get out of here.” Van said dodging an attack from Orin.
“We aren’t leaving you here!” Lindsay chimed in feeling better. She stood and joined Vier and Zeagal.
“I’ll join you soon. Don’t worry; I have no intention to die here.” Van replied countering Orin’s last attack.
“We trust you Van,” Lindsay said, and nodded her head. She turned away and ran towards the exit with Zeagal and Vier. Van had nodded his head in response.
“You may have the intention not to die,” Orin said quietly to Van after his friends left, “but I have the intention to ensure that you do.”
***
Lindsay, Zeagal, and Vier arrived at the scene, of what must have been a massacre. Scattered about the area were the dead bodies of almost fifty Londoran soldiers, their blood staining the silver armor they wore. Some were miraculously alive, but barely so. The three Guardians weaved their way through the maze of corpses reaching the door to the main stairway that led down from the storage area to the lobby. Lindsay gasped. More dead soldiers were lying about, and splashes of crimson blood scattered the floor and wall. Reluctantly, the three quickly followed the stains and corpses. No one spoke a word. When they were nearing the ground floor, the three began to hear fighting and a familiar roar. With each step the noises intensified. Finally, they reached the door to the lobby. All three of them knew that their target was on the other side. Zeagal slowly opened the door.
***
Back in the storage room, the fight between Orin and Van dragged on. Van being younger and more agile was slowly gaining the upper hand. “What do you want with us?” Van asked breathing heavily after another attack from Orin.
“It’s simple really; all I want is to exterminate you Guardians.” Came his reply
“I’m not a Guardian Orin! So why haven’t you just killed me already, it’s my friends you want not me?”
Orin laughed, “Oh, don’t give me that. You are a Guardian. Don’t even try to deny it.”
“That’s not true, you can’t prove that!” Van yelled running at Orin. Orin ran at Van in response ready for one more clash of their blades. Right before the two would collide, Van turned. He pushed himself off the crate to his right and flipped over Orin’s head slashing downward at Orin, who blocked it as expected. Van landed at Orin’s side and spun back dodging Orin’s blade. He then thrust his own sword out in the spin and slammed it down. From Van’s blade came two rays of black energy carving a path in the concrete floor towards Orin. Orin jumped away from Van’s downward thrust, but failed to avoid the black energy, and was sent back into the wall of a crate.
“I see I was right after all,” Orin said weakly, but with a smile. The ponytail fell out letting his shoulder length black hair hide his devious eyes.
“I don’t believe this,” Van said shaking.
“Join me, Van. What will your friends think of you after they learn that you lied to them all this time? Besides, I could use a Guardian like you. Just think about what we could do.”
“What? No, I could never betray my friends, even if they were mad at me for lying.” Van said stepping towards Orin.
“Together you and I could overthrow the emperor.” Orin said trying to get up.
“No!” Van shouted pushing Orin back to the floor. “How about I just kill you here and make sure you never come after us again?”
“Go ahead,” Orin smiled, “There are others out there who would come after you just as I have done.”
“We’d just kill them too,” Van said.
“Yeah, but would we stay that way? You saw what happened before, I could just resurrect again…and again…and again.” Orin argued.
“Shut up!” Van yelled pointing his sword at Orin, his eyes welling up. Orin just smiled at him. Van lowered his sword. “You’re not even worth killing, look at you. My friends would not shun me for a lie, and even if they did, the last thing I would do is help you destroy them. So just leave me alone!” Van started to turn and leave but quickly sliced diagonally at Orin with his sword, cutting him from his left shoulder to the right side of his stomach. This time there was blood. “Next time I won’t be so kind. Your wound won’t be fatal, as long as you take care of it quickly.” A satisfied Van said as he turned away and started walking to the exit.
Orin yelled in pain and anger, “Fine! Make the wrong choice. Know this, you will join me, of your free will or not, I don’t care. Having you as a tool is better than nothing.” Orin started laughing as he held his hand to the wound. He then lifted his blood covered hand to his face and smiled at the dark energy now radiating from the hand.
Van turned around at this sudden outcry to see Orin managing to not only stand up, but run toward him, hand outstretched. Van, feeling very nervous, started to run for the door, wanting to be anywhere but there. He could feel Orin gaining on him.
Van stopped, there was a strange sensation in his back, but he couldn’t feel Orin touching him. Then the pain came, Orin staggered up to Van laughing maniacally and placed his glowing, bloody hand on Van’s back. Orin began to etch a curse deep into Van’s skin and through Van’s screams he laughed. “You will join me…and just to be sure, I embedded a curse into your skin. This will take care of you one way or another. You’ll come to your senses and join me in due time.” Orin smiled. Soon he was finished and the black energy was gone. As Van fell to the floor unconscious, Orin stepped backwards into the darkness smiling.
***
In the lobby of the Guard facility, a fierce battle had already been underway. There were more than one hundred soldiers all in the same silver and red armor. What stood out most however, was the beast they were fighting. It was a wolf of sorts. Silver haired, and massive, the thing towered over the soldiers. Lindsay grabbed Zeagal’s arm and shuddered. “Is that…?” Zeagal asked bewildered.
“Yes, that is Tros. The Guardian we are here to rescue.” Vier answered staring at the carnage unfolding before the group. Tros was ripping into the armor of the soldiers, throwing them left and right with no effort. The soldiers stood no chance; their attacks were seemingly ineffective to Tros.
“Shouldn’t we help?” asked Lindsay daring to look up at the scene.
“If you feel it right to do so, then I will not get in your way.” Vier said opening her spell book.
“Okay, then I do,” answered Lindsay smiling. Lindsay and Zeagal jumped into the fray, taking out enemy soldiers with ease.
Vier stood back and readied her magic, her book glowing golden yellow as were her eyes. A glyph appeared on the floor and shot out golden light lifting Vier about a foot off the ground. She let go of her book and it rose as well. Vier recited some words as she ran her right hand across the page. A golden ball of light rose up out of the book and started orbiting Vier at lightning speeds. Vier then pointed outward with a glowing hand, the sphere made one more orbit around her and shot out towards the fight. The globe of light moved as Vier directed, passing through soldiers and killing them without spilling a single drop of their blood.
Vier continued with her attacks while Zeagal, Lindsay, and Tros whittled away at the soldiers. To them, the soldiers seemed almost weak, and soon they were all defeated. Vier, Lindsay, and Zeagal stood panting. They were tired, but knew they couldn’t rest just yet. More soldiers could be on the way and Tros could turn on them at any time. Things seemed to move in the opposite direction, however.
Tros, breathing heavily as well, turned and slowly walked toward the three other Guardians. As he walked, his body started to change into a humanoid form. When he reached Zeagal and the two girls, Tros appeared to be a mix between a human and a wolf. His muscular body was covered in the same silver fur and he had the head of a wolf with yellow eyes, and a wolf-like tail. He was wearing ancient, tattered robes resembling a toga and two very thick bracelets, one on each arm. Tros was about to say something when Van burst through the door to the lobby. The four looked over to him. “Let’s go!” Van called out to them.
Lindsay smiled and Vier gave a sigh of relief. “Did you finish it?” Zeagal asked flatly. Van nodded his head, lying.
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Also I thought I would include a first draft picture of like the cover or what have you. It looks warped and you see all the eraser marks!!! Don make fun of it, I'm still working. D:
[IMG]http://i383.photobucket.com/albums/oo276/ZeagalLindsayVan/SSCOVER1-2.jpg[/IMG]
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Can you be more specific please?
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[Your Requested Critique]
Below is your prologue for this story. It has been marked with red numbers; these indicate that you have a grammatical/spelling error near it. For further information, look for the respective number in the list that is also located below.
1. This part of the sentence is a dependant clause; you need a comma after ‘Archea’ because you have not expressed a complete thought.
2. Halfway is a word.
3. If you are going to write the sentence this way, it’d be best to include a comma after ‘ruins’, and take out ‘in many of the world’s legends’. Along with this, put a ‘there’ behind ‘is’.
4. I don’t really like this part; it’s basically a jumble of words. Yes, I understand you are trying to be descriptive, but simplicity works best here. So… Here’s what I would put: ‘anyone, even warriors that have near-perfect vision.’
5. Same goes here. To me, it appears as if you twist your words around, placing them either too early in the sentence or too late. I suggest reading the sentence in your head, and adjust accordingly to spots that don’t sound right. What I would’ve done: ‘It is said, at this point on the globe, that time splits, one side creating an image of the other, or so it seems.’
6. This point isn’t necessarily a critique; it’s more of a suggestion: take out ‘in the legends’.
7. If you’d like to keep this sentence the way it is without tweaking anything, that’s fine; there isn’t many mistakes. However, it’s vital that you put ‘who was’ before ‘only’.
8. A dependant clause; use a comma after ‘birthday’.
9. You can go about this two different ways: put ‘that were’ after ‘Archea’, or put a comma after ‘Archea’, as well as one after ‘armor’.
10. Change ‘reached’ to ‘would reach’.
11. A conjunction; put a comma before ‘and’.
12. A comma is needed after ‘six’.
13. A conjuction; put a comma before ‘and’.
14. I would suggest putting a semi-colon there, in place of the comma.
15. A dependant clause; a comma is needed after ‘it’.
16. A conjunction; use a comma after ‘girl’.
17. Use a comma after ‘up’.
18. The word ‘itself’ is not needed.
19. A conjunction; put a comma before ‘and’.
20. A dependant claus; use a comma after 'light'.
I actually enjoyed reading this! Aside from a few grammatical errors, I see a lot of potential in this story. If you follow my suggestion of repeating the sentence in your head, I truthfully think you’ll do great. The plot is ingenious; I’ve never really encountered a fanfiction like it. I do recommend you brushing up on the basic grammar rules, however. (i.e. dependant clauses, conjunctions, comma use, etc.) Also, make sure to use more adjectives in your writing; it’s a bit bland and dull at the moment. Repeating terms over and over again(‘its’, ‘it’, and other phrases like ‘in the legend’) doesn’t seem to be a very strong point in your arsenal either. Work on these few things, and your fanfic will be a hit!
[end critique]
Below is your prologue for this story. It has been marked with red numbers; these indicate that you have a grammatical/spelling error near it. For further information, look for the respective number in the list that is also located below.
1. This part of the sentence is a dependant clause; you need a comma after ‘Archea’ because you have not expressed a complete thought.
2. Halfway is a word.
3. If you are going to write the sentence this way, it’d be best to include a comma after ‘ruins’, and take out ‘in many of the world’s legends’. Along with this, put a ‘there’ behind ‘is’.
4. I don’t really like this part; it’s basically a jumble of words. Yes, I understand you are trying to be descriptive, but simplicity works best here. So… Here’s what I would put: ‘anyone, even warriors that have near-perfect vision.’
5. Same goes here. To me, it appears as if you twist your words around, placing them either too early in the sentence or too late. I suggest reading the sentence in your head, and adjust accordingly to spots that don’t sound right. What I would’ve done: ‘It is said, at this point on the globe, that time splits, one side creating an image of the other, or so it seems.’
6. This point isn’t necessarily a critique; it’s more of a suggestion: take out ‘in the legends’.
7. If you’d like to keep this sentence the way it is without tweaking anything, that’s fine; there isn’t many mistakes. However, it’s vital that you put ‘who was’ before ‘only’.
8. A dependant clause; use a comma after ‘birthday’.
9. You can go about this two different ways: put ‘that were’ after ‘Archea’, or put a comma after ‘Archea’, as well as one after ‘armor’.
10. Change ‘reached’ to ‘would reach’.
11. A conjunction; put a comma before ‘and’.
12. A comma is needed after ‘six’.
13. A conjuction; put a comma before ‘and’.
14. I would suggest putting a semi-colon there, in place of the comma.
15. A dependant clause; a comma is needed after ‘it’.
16. A conjunction; use a comma after ‘girl’.
17. Use a comma after ‘up’.
18. The word ‘itself’ is not needed.
19. A conjunction; put a comma before ‘and’.
20. A dependant claus; use a comma after 'light'.
I actually enjoyed reading this! Aside from a few grammatical errors, I see a lot of potential in this story. If you follow my suggestion of repeating the sentence in your head, I truthfully think you’ll do great. The plot is ingenious; I’ve never really encountered a fanfiction like it. I do recommend you brushing up on the basic grammar rules, however. (i.e. dependant clauses, conjunctions, comma use, etc.) Also, make sure to use more adjectives in your writing; it’s a bit bland and dull at the moment. Repeating terms over and over again(‘its’, ‘it’, and other phrases like ‘in the legend’) doesn’t seem to be a very strong point in your arsenal either. Work on these few things, and your fanfic will be a hit!
[end critique]
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Thanks for the critique it will help me jump back into writing this and so I applaud your timing. I agree with you on my adjective use and excessive usage of vague pronouns. One thing I do feel the need to point out though is that this isn't fanfiction.
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