I'm taking down all of my poems from the Internet, which includes KHI forums. Please send me a private message if you have any comments or questions about this decision.
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Untitled #x
The sun is starting to set here.
The night is rising up.
The dusk is starting to laugh and cry,
and the moon has gone numb.
Inside this house we go to bed,
and you and I stay awake.
My lost pain returns anew,
and the wind has gone numb.
The memoir comes back from the grave,
and the caffeine runs through our veins.
The precipice is on our horizon,
and the hand has gone numb.
The moon is starting to set here.
The day is rising up.
The dawn is starting to laugh and cry,
and the sun has gone numb.
I like the imagery in the first and last paragraphs, it's a good setter to pull the reader into the poem, and the reversed repetition gives it a nice return to perspective in the finish, like the night has truly gone full cycle.
I was left wondering why the moon and sun was "numb", but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it just made me wonder. Usually the moon is more vibrant at night, again, not saying it was bad, in fact it's good, helps add to the imagery.
As I continued to read, I noticed that each stanza ended with the word numb, almost made me wonder why you didn't make that the title.
Grammar-wise it was essentially flawless though, if I recall, each word at the beginning of a line should be capitalized, however of course free-form poetry doesn't have many arbitrary rules, so it's excusable, especially considering that it's the word "and".
I was a bit confused at the line "The precipice is on our horizon", not sure what it meant exactly.
Altogether, it was decent for a short poem, it presented a concept and culminated the idea with a strong finish. It certainly had a level of mystique, like the concept behind the scenes was very raw and untouchable. Not a lot of poetry can pull this off successfully, but you did a good job.
Concept - 8/10
A difficult approach, going for the mysterious purpose, but it was done well enough that I feel secure in giving it a solid 8, 8.5 if I were the type to give fractional points. You presented pain and pleasure, meshed well enough within the metaphor of the changing night. Emotion and physicality are both present, but the mystique was still maintained. Nicely done.
Grammar - 9/10
It's hard to give something a 10, especially if it isn't absolutely perfect. Your grammar and writing skill is damn good, definitely one of the more practiced writers on the site.
Quality - 8/10
This is the part where it becomes hard to judge, especially when you don't want to be too forgiving with someone who is a high-quality writer. There seemed to be a little misdirection at times, as I outlined earlier. Not so much bad things so much as it was just confusing. However, it was altogether top notch, so I docked two points on the fact that I've read some of your other works, and in this one it seemed you were less impassioned about what you were conveying.
Overall - 9/10
Granted that two 8's and a 9 come up closer 8 than 9, the 8's were strong, and even the 9 was strong as well. Math aside, the poem was quite nice for being so short and succinct. It was sufficient for its length and purpose, and I find that to be one of the most key elements in poetry, being able to clearly and fully convey the meaning in as simple a medium as possible without sacrificing purpose or quality.