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Ehres

` dragon dance
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Haha, Internet forum therapy. I don't really like putting my issues out there but I've tried Googling this to see other people who feel like I do and there's only one result I found which was remotely accurate.

Okay, so the issue is basically that I'm really very low in self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, I am one of the most boisterous motherfuckers you will ever meet and I'm obnoxious as hell but around people in real life I know that what I show to others is just what's on the surface---and I don't do it consciously. Nor do I want to go around opening myself to everyone I know because that's just not my dig and definitely not the advice I'm looking for.

So, uh... I have a lot of friends on the Internet and stuff and those are based off personalities so, you know, it's easier to be more open with people because it's more intimate. Now the problem is that every now and again I happen to meet someone I like and here and there my feelings are reciprocated. That's good. But then I hit this block and it's really fucking ruinous and it's actually really upsetting me.

I guess like a lot of people, I don't really feel like I have any self-worth. This isn't a reflection on my academic or life achievements but on myself as an individual. Recently I've been being extremely honest with myself and I burn a hell of a lot of bridges. Most of the time those bridges don't even get built because whenever I talk to other people in an online sense it mostly just feels very... shallow. Now in real life, I'm absolutely much better at making friends. I can go up to people and chat my ass off and be a genuine person because my surface behaviour is very genuine -- but only with an extreeeme few do I ever go into meaningful, personal content. Not even the girls I've lived with -- by choice -- for three years know any more than most others about my more personal shit.

And this is where I find it hard because as stated, person-to-person contact on the Web is more intimate. It's about people and their personalities because unlike IRL you can't physically go out, hang out, etc. So... most of these bridges feel shallow because, I don't know, I'm just not very good at keeping in contact with people. I try but either my interest as a friend or as someone to talk with are unreciprocated (i.e. the conversations always tail out or fall flat) or I'm just... I don't entirely click with the other person. But when bridges are formed, at the moment I just know what's gonna happen. I know those bridges are gonna burn and I know it's a bad mentality to have because it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy and all that but it always does regardless of whether I do something or because the other person isn't interested in keeping up a link with me despite my efforts.

And then it comes to deeper stuff. Over the past year or so I've been interested in a handful of people and all of them have turned out sourly for one reason or another. But recently I was into this German-American guy called Seth and we reeeally hit it off like something big and I just... didn't feel like I had the right. And even now I'm into someone else who's into me at that same level. It's his graduation today and every night we talk on Skype and fall asleep together. We're not together but I do like him a lot and he's already asked me to date him a couple of times but I just said I wasn't ready yet because I'm not. But I'm trying to be ready because I know he does make my day brighter and he's pretty great. But I just can't because I don't feel like I have any worth as a person.

It's like this: Today's his grad day and he's at this beautiful hotel with a hot tub and a huge bed and his friends are coming over and they're gonna have a great time. And that's a special moment in someone's life so you want it to be as memorable as possible, right? And he said he wished I could be there but I just don't understand why. He said he wanted me to share his happy days with him but I just... I don't get it. I feel like, as me, as Sol, I have boundaries that I shouldn't step over because I have no value as a person. I find it so hard to even conceptualise the idea that someone would like me for who I am that I just... come off as cold and repelling. I really don't mean to be but, like, I just don't think I have the right to be a part of someone's special moment.

A friend who comes on here said to me a few days ago that he likes my company and I just don't get why. I don't. People have said they like me as a person and others have said they're interested in me and I just don't fucking understand. I really don't get it. I just always feel like other people should keep me at arm's length. Maybe it's because I have rejection or abandonment issues, I dunno. But, yeah. I said to the guy who's graduating that graduation day was one of those markers in his timeline and I didn't wanna put my mark on it. And he said I was important to him and I just felt, right there and then, instantly, that I had no right to be important to him or to anyone.

And I know that's really bad because there have been so many people who I know have been genuinely interested in me and are lovely people and have given me time, effort and patience, and people who I really still respect despite my behaviour, but... I don't know. Maybe that's why I can't hold deep friendships or developing romantic interests down because I feel like I'm just a very bland person who comes off as an irritant to everyone. Like I'm a nuisance or something and it genuinely amazes me when someone tries to talk to me because they want to. I'm trying to feel better about myself and tell myself I have value but I just don't feel that I do. I really don't.

So, yeah. Whatever.
 

Hero

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You need to get to the root of the problem. Sit down and ask yourself questions? Why is it you feel a certain way in certain situations? What caused you to feel this way? Once you fix the big issue, the smaller issues will resolve themselves. I myself battled with feelings of inferiority for the majority of my life. One of the things I realized is that most of the things you feel or think in your head (those feelings of being worthless, etc) aren't true at all. A little self confidence goes a long way. If you go into a situation with a negative mindset, you're only going to limit yourself because you don't expect much from yourself. It's cliche, but it really is a self fulfilling prophecy.
 

Ehres

` dragon dance
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I just don't think I'm a likeable person. I've always had issues with who I am and what I want -- moreso than most people -- and I think it comes from a wealth of feeling very misplaced in at every point in my life. I don't react well to loss or changes, and I panic. I overanalyse myself to try and discover what I did incorrectly when such events occur, and then I always pin the blame on myself because either my actions were wrong or I myself wasn't good enough for that other person to be good to me. It's an ever-vicious circle because when people are good to me, I keep questioning when they're going to leave, when they're going to get tired of me, etc., etc., and I rely heavily on constructed personas and images to be people I'm not. And I notice that when I'm my 'default other' that draws people to me, those I feel comfortably in letting loose with often become largely uninterested in me as a person to the point where I feel like I literally have to beg for their attention. So... yeah. I just guess a plethora of experiences of people screwing me over in one way or another has really made me not like myself because if it keeps happening, then the root problem is myself, right? And it means I'm also very unstable and impulsive in my actions, too, which I really dislike. I can't hold anything down.
 

Hero

See You Space Cowboy!
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I have been bullied, manipulated, used, taken advantaged of, and fucked over for as long as I can remember. I do not trust people. I also do not react well to change or loss. The thought of losing or hurting someone drives me insane. While it may seem like you are the root of the problem because you keep getting screwed over (I once thought that too), you are not. You were never the issue. You have to get that out of your head. In fact, whenever a negative thought like that creeps in, you have to do your best to push it out. If not, it becomes a part of your psyche; of a cycle. People can feel it through the vibes you give off.

While it may seem like I am brushing off a lot of what you're saying but I do not mean to belittle your emotions, self worth, or situations. It's just that, when you look at the big picture, a lot of your fears aren't big deals at all. A little self confidence and positivity go a long way.
 
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