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Help/Support ► Nice Guys Finish Last?



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Americo

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I seem to always get myself stuck in this "I'm a nice guy and I treat you well so you end up using me." kind of situation. I don't know if it's because I can't seem to pick good girls or I'm just naive. This is probably the sixth time I've had feelings for a girl (not love but just general interest) that weren't sexual and had it blow up in my face like some kind of scene from Spy vs Spy.

I do a lot for people, which I sometimes think is my problem. I'm very open to forgiveness and I often try to help my friends when ever I can. 99% of the time I put other people before me, which seems to be a bad thing in this world.

I'll focus with the girl at hand, Andrea. I really liked her quite a lot. She was attractive, fun, and had interest in video games and anime. I don't mean the "Hey I play Harvest Moon!" kind of video game playing... I mean the "I just beat the shit out of Virgil in DMC3 on Super Hard." kind of girl. I liked that a lot, since common interests are the key to a good relationship right?

We go one a few dates, and a few dates in we reach second base. Not bad in my opinion but I felt that we really clicked. So I was happy. I drew her pretty pictures and she wrote me pretty notes. As we start to date more I bring up the "Boyfriend Girlfriend" thing and she is a bit hesitant. She doesn't want to rush into anything since she was with an older guy before and it failed bad.

A few weeks later, still kind of where it was before. Through us hanging out I got close to her best friend Jess. Not in a romantic way, just good friends, since I would help her with her boyfriend problems and we'd just talk about things. She brought up how she was happy that Andrea had me and that I was the only person she's been with that really cared for her. Which was true, sex was actually for once the last thing on my mind. Normally I'm like "OMG BOOBIES!" but I actually looked at her at an intimate level.

So it keeps going like this, we go on nice dates but nothing really happens. I try to talk to her and it goes no where. She changes the subject constantly or just ignores the questions. She ended up getting grounded and not allowed out. Seriously who gets grounded now a days? Blah... Over the next few days I get random texts that her parents weren't home and I visit her. It's about a twenty minute drive there and back, so it isn't cheap on the gas, but I liked her so I said "What the ****." One night I even snuck into her room and spent a majority of the night cuddled in bed with her watching Pan's Labyrinth, with the help of Blockbuster connections. She later tells me that she'd like to try a relationship when she's not grounded but it sounded kind of forced and just something she said to shut me up and stop me asking her.

So we talked about how bored she was while she was grounded and I buy her some anime. I'm not rolling in money but I had enough to pay for a DVD and let her borrow some of my own. I drive up one night, pick her up from work and give them to her. She's like wowed by it and says "You're to good to me." She tells me how she wants to get me a present in return since she feels bad she had nothing for me.

Bringing it up to speed with now, she's talking to me a bit less. I had a shitty day and sent her a text asking her to call me and talk to me so I'd feel a bit better, not worded like that but you get the point. Seven hours later I get a response "I'll call you tomorrow. Peace." and I was little pissed off... I then found out that she had gone out to hang out with my own friends (she's friends with them too) which made me wonder why the **** she didn't tell me so we could all hang out together.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that it might just be pointless to continue trying a relationship wit her. I feel like she has no interest in me and that we both want different things. I'm not a fan of falling in love and having my heart broken, once was enough. So I'm not sure if I should give it a shot or just put in my cards and pull out. I feel like I'm being really nice to her and she's just walking on me.

So am I being to judgmental and negative? Or should I not really waste my time?
 

╬ProperArtist╬

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you're being judgemental and negative, cause trust me i was in the same type of situation...and i'm much the same way you are.

I am the type to help people before myself, cause i feel they need it more than i do. I've never been one to date a lot, just because i don't open myself up to others-hints i don't like getting hurt...so i do what people need, but i keep myself closed off at the same time. It's kinda how i met my girlfriend i have now...

She too had gotten out of a bad relationship...at first she didn't fully trust me, and she didn't want to get close, she didn't really open up and tell me things, and used to sometimes questions things between us-all because she didn't want to get hurt again. There were times when i felt bad and she seemed to give me the cold shoulder and not wanna really talk...

however we've been together for a year and 3 months...we've learned to talk more and we've opened up with each other more...though not only because of the trust we've gained, but through fighting with those around us constantly it's just brought us closer together...

so for you, she's probably in that stage right now. She's still dealing with her old relationship inside, she's afraid to still get close a bit and she's wondering about you. You may do nice things for her and treat her right and say all the right things, but she's probably thinking there was at time her last boyfriend did the same thing.....Trust is basically the issue here (trust me I've helped a lot of girls, and my girlfriend was the same way)
Just give her some time...if she cheats on you or things don't seem right like she's just acting completely different then maybe you should wonder and ask questions....

but for the most part..just relax and give her the space she needs at the moment, nagging and trying to take things too fast isn't the best thing...let her open up and do things at her own pace...cause relationships are about time, it's about sharing between the two of you..not souly about you or souly about her...it takes time...all good things in life do

:)
 

Nivaro

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I understand where you're coming from, I learned the hard way many times that being that type of person sadly gets you into things you don't and didn't want to get into and ends up biting you in the ***. It took me a while to learn to not be so predictable or selfless(I'll still help someone, but not blindly so to speak), but I've learned.

To your situation though: You might be jumping the gun a bit here and need to reasess things.

In my opinion it doesn't seem like she's ever really said her opinion to you, about you. (Has she ever said anything else about what she thinks about you? something deeper?) It seems like there's a good deal of thought and sides of her that she doesn't show you or tell you, that's what I get from what you said.
You might be getting a bit clingy when there's not much to hold onto, and could be putting too much of you into this when it should and needs to be both of you. That could be unnerving to her.

Sorry if that's a bit pessimistic, but just think about her position whenever you can. Hopefully you get somewhere, either way, don't let yourself get torn down by this and do what you can.
(If I were you, don't go out of your way to impress or be perfect for her, if this is real she'll open up to you when you're you and she's comfortable.)

Best of luck and take care.
 

Duality

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I cannot provide the best of advice for your situation. I personally fell in love with the first girl I ever asked out (at the age of 17). It's been a year and 8 months now. We completely trusted each other about 8 months into it, and the main thing that hinders our trust is our excessive worry of one another. We are soul mates, for those of you who believe in it.

Before I wonder off into la-la land, I want to give you a chin up. Don't ever feel like the nice guy attitude should be put away. It's just the way anyone should live, so don't stop. You'll get hurt, and by the end of your life, it will be very tiring. But you can live a life without regret, and gain massive amounts of wisdom.

With your girlfriend, she sounds ridiculously hesitant for someone whom you've been with for over a year. I'd bring the fact to her attention that she has not prioritized you over many other less important things. If someone cannot put you in their relationship as a first in their life (along with family), then it's not a serious relationship.

Bring it up to her that she has been ignoring you etc, and be open. If it falls flat on its face with no means of reconciliation in site, I'd say drop her. It'll be tough, but you don't deserve it by the sounds of it.

Best of luck.
 

Into TheDarkness

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ive had this same problem too. i do the same things put other people before me and all that stuff
but idk they always take advantage i mean until you find the girl who doesnt
which i finally did and just like duality which is odd we have been together a 1 and 8months lol

but eventually youll find a girl that wont take advantage of you
 

Johnny Stooge

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Probably better off in the help/support section unless you want to turn this into some moral problem.

But hey, we're in the same boat. Can't do much to change her feelings, right? No matter how good of an effort you put in. No matter how good you look after her/treat her. Right now I'm distancing myself from my ex. I still have feelings for her and she... doesn't seem to care. She rang me up one morning and told me she hooked up with three guys at a party the previous night. Yeah... something I really wanted to hear. She also hooked up with my best friend just to spite me. Yet she still wants to be friends. I can do better.

You're 20. I doubt it's hard for someone like you to meet new people. Get away from this girl and find someone new. You've noticed yourself changing for her and it's getting you nowhere. Time to get out and keep your sanity.
Meet new girls and keep things casual. If you want a relationship, get the girl to chase you. Try showing disinterest. Confidence, but not arrogance.

Girls have to honestly be the most illogical creatures on the face of the planet.
 

Into TheDarkness

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oh my god dude i hate it when girls just tell you stuff like that
it literally makes my blood boil and idk ambers done that a few times (shes mine lol)
shell just sya something to say it and ill get pissed off and she wonders why im mad

sorry to get off topic :]
 

Americo

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Probably better off in the help/support section unless you want to turn this into some moral problem.

But hey, we're in the same boat. Can't do much to change her feelings, right? No matter how good of an effort you put in. No matter how good you look after her/treat her. Right now I'm distancing myself from my ex. I still have feelings for her and she... doesn't seem to care. She rang me up one morning and told me she hooked up with three guys at a party the previous night. Yeah... something I really wanted to hear. She also hooked up with my best friend just to spite me. Yet she still wants to be friends. I can do better.

You're 20. I doubt it's hard for someone like you to meet new people. Get away from this girl and find someone new. You've noticed yourself changing for her and it's getting you nowhere. Time to get out and keep your sanity.
Meet new girls and keep things casual. If you want a relationship, get the girl to chase you. Try showing disinterest. Confidence, but not arrogance.

Girls have to honestly be the most illogical creatures on the face of the planet.
I haven't actually changed at all, I'm more myself then ever actually. Things... Kind of went for the better?

So I ended up hanging out with her. We talked and I said a few things which made her cry. Not in a "I'm a ****" kind of way but in a "If you don't want to have a relationship I don't really think I can see you" kind of way. She started crying saying she liked me a lot but didn't know what to do... She felt confused and a bit afraid. I told her that I really did like her but if we were going no where, I could be in the friend zone. I'm not that kind of guy that really likes a girl but still hangs out with her knowing she doesn't want anything. I told her how it pissed me off that she would tell me she'd call me then never do it. She said she was deeply sorry and would call me more, she didn't realize it made me mad.

We talked a bit more and we basically came to the conclusion that she wants to date me, she just wants time. I told her that I would wait (since I do believe she is worth it) as long as she was honest with me. If she started to like another guy, I wanted to know. I'm not waiting for someone if they are liking someone else.

We more or less ended up on a good note. She's like 95% sure we are going to end up together, unless something horrible happens. She just wants a bit more time to think about things, get to know me better and get off being grounded. She's a little afraid that if we do date, she'll fall in love with me and I'll break her heart but she's pretty sure she's willing to take the chance.

So now it's the waiting game.
 
K

kyle

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You think you've got problems. I've been in love with a girl for almost ten years now. We met when she saved my life. We became friends and hang out a lot.
Every girl I dated so far I keep comparing to her. Everytime I kiss a girl or so, it's her face I see.
I know this girl like a book and is even able to prescribe her next moves. I know her moods and how to handle them, but with all her pro's and con's I still think she is an amazing person. She's a perfect women.
I mean how many women do you know who saved your life, Twice, risking hers. We mostly like the same things, music, movies, etc.
I've fallin hard for this girl, but's to scared to tell her how I feel about her. The friendship we have between us is amazing and i"m so scared that I'll loose her.
I've stood by her her in a break-up she recently had. She laid with her head on my lap and I comforted her. I ran my fingers through her hair and told her how great I think she is and that the guy's an idiot for letting her go for one of her girl friends. My heart broke for her. I wanted to kiss her so badly on the lip but my kiss ended up on her forehead. I knew it wasn't the right time to tell her.

It's now 10 months later and I still did'nt tell her.

I'm an idiot I know.

How do I know how she feels about me? Is there any signs I can look for?
Advice please!!!!!!!
 
J

janine

Guest
Dear nice guys.
This doesn't just happen to guys, but to the ladies too. Everybody's heart gets broken somewhere along the line and not just once but many times. This just means that you have'nt meet the right one. The average persone lives 70 to 90 years. This means that you've got 70 to 90 years to meet the right one.
Try not to give your heart away easily. Always keep in mind that there will be more love coming your way and the right one will come when you least expect it. There are'nt alot of nice guys out there. If you're a nice guy, you'll definitely be taken in 5 years from now.


Kyle

We've been friends for years now. Why did'nt ya tell me about this girl. I've helped you many times with a lot of stuff. I will help you with this too. Do I know her? If I do, I can always find out how she feels about you. Come on, you've been there for me a lot of times. Let me be there for you this time.
I can't believe you've been in love with her for 10 years and not even tell me once. You guys are always so secretive about your love lives.
Why?
 
K

kyle

Guest
Janine.

I dont tell ya everything, Lee. I guy has to have his secrets too ya know. Yes ya know her, that's why I did'nt tell ya. I know we've been friend for years and ya stood by me through a lot, but this one I've got to do on my own. I'll tell ya when I'm ready to tell the Girl, Promise.
 
J

janine

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What. Don't ya trust me on this one. Come on Reese. You trusted me with everything before. Why not this time.
 
K

kyle

Guest
I do trust ya. I trust ya with my life, remember. Just let me figure this one out first. I promise I'll tell ya.
Tips Please?
I just need tips on how I would know if The girl feels the same.
 
A

apulapul2000

Guest
kyle janine, quit with the spam

so lets see here.advice.......

well you kinda already solved it with ur second post so i dont really know how to help you.
 
T

Tyler Durden

Guest
This girl is obviously putting off the relationship. It is going absolutely no where, and I doubt you have a chance.


She seems to want to be friends with you, maybe even friends with benefits, but I think that that may be it.




But yes, nice guys generally do finish last. They may get the girl, oh you're so great to me blah blah blah, but in the end they just let the girl walk all over her. She thinks she can get away with anything, which is true, but it still hurts you. You are like an emotional voodoo doll, she can do anything to you.
 

Square Ninja

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I came into this thread expecting a sort of moral contemplation, but then I see something that belongs in the Support section. That would have been a perfect time to whore out that wonderful Sirlin article again.

What I think? I think she's terrified about some aspect of being in a relationship. The fact that you made her cry at the mention of a possible seperation should be proof that she's not just yanking your proverbial chain by "teasing" you (unless of course she's a really good actor and an even better judge of character). I would highly suggest playing this "waiting game." To quote Toto, "Hold the line. Love isn't always on time."
 

Americo

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I don't know why I thought asking 14 year olds for relationship advice would be a good idea... It's generally as effective as asking for sex advice at a virgin convention. XD
 

CAB_IV

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yeah, i think this thread is misplaced.


Peopl have to remember though, that kids and relationships are stupid. no one likes to admit it, but this is all a gigantic waste of your time, since she will be gone one day or another. don't let it bother you.
 
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