Need some advice



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Indent

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Hello all,

I'll be quick to the point. The truth is, I am currently engaged to the woman I have loved for years. However, there is one thing she does which to this day, both annoys me and makes me afraid: how close she is to her mother. Now, I understand this could sound crazy, but let me explain myself.

Her mom sends her at least 50-100 messages on a daily basis. They are in consistent communication, so much so that if I go out with my fiancé to watch a movie, her mother not only knows that but even which movie we watched and at what time. She knows the food she eats. She knows her schedule better than I do. And her mother is very in tuned with knowing every aspect of her daughters life.

Now this may sound natural, I've been convincing myself that for the past couple of months. But what worries me about this is how much her mother gives her opinions. We are now planning a wedding, and every wedding planning my fiancé suggests pretty much comes from her mothers opinion. The photographer, and pretty much everything. And it gets worse, my fiancé has barely spent time with my own family, so when we went out for a breakfast (1 out of 2 times where she ever sits alone with me and my parents) her mother calls her. And guess what- her mother is upset. Why? Because my fiancé chose to spend time with my family instead of hers, among many reasons.

My my fiancé is too sweet, and does not recognize the slow emotional enslavement she is undergoing. I glanced over at her shortly after that call, which basically ruined the outing with my parents as she was quiet the entire time because she was upset. Worst yet, I peek at what she is texting her mom and it is all "sorry's" and "I don't know what to do" and "I will come back home now."

is it just me, or do I need to find a way to limit how much she and her mother interact? If so what can I do. I confronted my fiancé about this but she insists her mother is the kindest person she knows and gets upset at me for insinuating there is an issue that needs controlling. Am I the crazy one?
 

Bufferino

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You're not crazy at all. I know how much a mother loves their daughter or son enough to not let them go. The best idea is to talk to the mother about this and what she's doing.
 

Indent

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You're not crazy at all. I know how much a mother loves their daughter or son enough to not let them go. The best idea is to talk to the mother about this and what she's doing.

While that is possible, and her mother seems to be the open-type, I am worried it could jeapordize our interactions. Worse yet, she could feel I am trying to take her daughter away (I know she already feels this to an extent)

Say I do decide on that though, how would I approach it? "Hey there's no need to be involved in every detail of your daughters life?" "I'm worried you're a little too controlling and end up making your daughter upset which could harm her relationship with me and my family?"

It seems like something I may have to do eventually if nothing changes. Especially if she is going to get upset whenever her daughters has a simple breakfast with my parents, but I'm looking more for a way for my fiancé to step up and realize what her mother is doing isn't right either.

I still can't believe that she was okay talking to my fiancé for about 30-45 minutes on the phone while I and my parents sat waiting at the table. My fiancé needs to realize it isn't cool to step away for that long on the phone, you know?
 
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Bufferino

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While that is possible, and her mother seems to be the open-type, I am worried it could jeapordize our interactions. Worse yet, she could feel I am trying to take her daughter away (I know she already feels this to an extent)

Say I do decide on that though, how would I approach it? "Hey there's no need to be involved in every detail of your daughters life?" "I'm worried you're a little too controlling and end up making your daughter upset which could harm her relationship with me and my family?"

It seems like something I may have to do eventually if nothing changes. Especially if she is going to get upset whenever her daughters has a simple breakfast with my parents, but I'm looking more for a way for my fiancé to step up and realize what her mother is doing isn't right either.
Maybe talk very, very nicely with the mother, and if that doesn't work then tell someone who'll understand what you're going through to make the best decisions. This is tough, very tough, so that's all the advice I have until I think of something else. I hope it works out okay for you!
 

Emperor

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While that is possible, and her mother seems to be the open-type, I am worried it could jeapordize our interactions. Worse yet, she could feel I am trying to take her daughter away (I know she already feels this to an extent)

Say I do decide on that though, how would I approach it? "Hey there's no need to be involved in every detail of your daughters life?" "I'm worried you're a little too controlling and end up making your daughter upset which could harm her relationship with me and my family?"

It seems like something I may have to do eventually if nothing changes. Especially if she is going to get upset whenever her daughters has a simple breakfast with my parents, but I'm looking more for a way for my fiancé to step up and realize what her mother is doing isn't right either.

I still can't believe that she was okay talking to my fiancé for about 30-45 minutes on the phone while I and my parents sat waiting at the table. My fiancé needs to realize it isn't cool to step away for that long on the phone, you know?
You need to get them both in the same room and talk about it. There's nothing wrong with having a very close relationship with your parents, but your fiancé is a grown woman and should be allowed to make her own decisions, even if that means having dinner with her in-laws.

Don't be aggressive about it, just voice your problem with the situation and try to compromise. Maybe invite her parents over for dinner the next time you go eat with your family.

If you guys are going to hold onto your relationship you have to tell each other about these things and be willing to work it out.
 

Taochan

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If she's calling and guilting her while she's out like that then I don't think she's going to listen to anyone, she would probably see it as an attack. Maybe she would listen to her daughter but I think she would paint you as the enemy and think you're stealing her daughter from her.
 

Emperor

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If she's calling and guilting her while she's out like that then I don't think she's going to listen to anyone, she would probably see it as an attack. Maybe she would listen to her daughter but I think she would paint you as the enemy and think you're stealing her daughter from her.
Thing is, the mother's opinion doesn't matter, it's what his fiancé wants that counts. Even if her mother doesn't like him, when push comes to shove, that's her problem. This is a fact some parents don't like to accept. Unless they have a legitimate reason as to why their son/daughter shouldn't be with whoever, their word on the subject just doesn't really hold any merit once their child is grown. It's up to his fiancé to get a problem like this under control.
 

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Thing is, the mother's opinion doesn't matter, it's what his fiancé wants that counts. Even if her mother doesn't like him, when push comes to shove, that's her problem. This is a fact some parents don't like to accept. Unless they have a legitimate reason as to why their son/daughter shouldn't be with whoever, their word on the subject just doesn't really hold any merit once their child is grown. It's up to his fiancé to get a problem like this under control.
You're oversimplifying the situation. The mother is emotionally and mentally (from what has been said) abusive. His fiance is a victim of this abuse and responds to it. He can't come charging in and telling the mother off, even in the nicest way possible, because she will absolutely lash out and try to pull her daughter away from him. This is something that his fiancé needs to see and realize before anything can be done.
 
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