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My poem



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rikubaka67

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I wrote this in school a few days ago, and I was wondering what everyone thought. It's about a guy I like.



"Everytime"

When you love someone...
And all you want is to be with them...
But you can't, and you know it...
When the closer you get to him, the farther away he seems...
And just the thought of saying "Hi" makes you weak in the knees...

Everytime he looks at you, and you shyly look away...
Everytime you want to talk but just don't know what to say...
Everytime he merrily smiles you love him even more...
Yet with every step he takes the farther away he goes...
And with every step you take, all you want is to have him close...

Every waking moment...
Everytime you close your eyes...


But you know you must let go...



ok, I know that it's not very good, but it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
 

chaywa

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U've just taken my exact feelings during my last few days @ school and put it in the perspective of urself...

Its good, most good poetry is spur of the moment because it depicts raw human emotion at a given point in time, something which if u take 2 long over will collapse into randomness...i don't do poetry ratings because it is an expression of someone or something...

Finally more poets, makes me wonder whether to start a poetry club here
 

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killjoy princess
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Ahh, such a lovely poem. >___> It makes me want to make a poem..hmm. Well good job. ^_^ I like it a lots.
 

its_beca

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Okies, here we go.

rikubaka67 said:
When you love someone,
And all you want is to be with them.
But you can't, and you know it.
When the closer you get to him, the farther away he seems.
And just the thought of saying "Hi" makes you weak in the knees...
First line, try changing to "When you know you love..." to make it longer.
Second and Third lines, take out the "And", it changes the meaning slightly, but it doesn't work with the underlined "but".
Fourth line, okay.
Fifth line, I know you're looking at the rhyme, but please try to be a little more original.

Everytime he looks at you, and you shyly look away.
Everytime you want to talk but just don't know what to say.
Everytime he merrily smiles you love him even more.
Yet with every step he takes the farther away he goes;
And with every step you take, all you want is to have him close.
First and second lines, good.
Third line, don't personally like "merrily". "Even more" is okay, but maybe change it to "all the more"? Your choice.
Fourth line, doesn't quite fit, but okay. Could use an extra word or two.
Fifth line, ...nyeh. It's okay. Also could use a couple of words.

Every waking moment...
Every time you close your eyes...

But you know you must let go.
Good. Maybe add another line between the stuff in bold. Try "Every dream you..." Something something, again your chioce.


Remember take or leave anything I've said. Your poem, your chioce. Hope I helped.

Beca
 
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Mezmerize

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Thats awesome..ive felt like that before..
Keep writing its a good way to let out feelings if they get bunched up and you're really good at it too.
 

rikubaka67

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Thanks its_beca, that did help. I just had to let out some feelings in this poem, and I decided to post it online, but I'll keep what you said in mind when I write better poems.

Here's what it means, almost line by line:

When you love someone...
I'm in love with this dude
And all you want is to be with them...
Want it more than anything else
But you can't, and you know it...
I can't because he's too busy
When the closer you get to him, the farther away he seems...
he's such a loner.... (and always in his own world)
And just the thought of saying "Hi" makes you weak in the knees...
I get butterflies just thinking about him (I have butterflies right now)

Everytime he looks at you, and you shyly look away...
I'm too shy
Everytime you want to talk but just don't know what to say...
We have a lot in common, but I still never know what to say
Everytime he merrily smiles you love him even more...
He's so cute when he smiles.......which he never does........
Yet with every step he takes the farther away he goes...
.......he's enlisting in the marines.........
And with every step you take, all you want is to have him close...
More than anything

Every waking moment...
Everytime you close your eyes...
Can't ever stop thinking about him

But you know you must let go...
He's graduating, joining the marines, and leaving for boot camp at the end of this school year.
 

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killjoy princess
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rikubaka67 said:
Thanks its_beca, that did help. I just had to let out some feelings in this poem, and I decided to post it online, but I'll keep what you said in mind when I write better poems.

Here's what it means, almost line by line:


I'm in love with this dude

Want it more than anything else

I can't because he's too busy

he's such a loner.... (and always in his own world)

I get butterflies just thinking about him (I have butterflies right now)


I'm too shy

We have a lot in common, but I still never know what to say

He's so cute when he smiles.......which he never does........

.......he's enlisting in the marines.........

More than anything


Can't ever stop thinking about him


He's graduating, joining the marines, and leaving for boot camp at the end of this school year.

oh my gosh >___>. I feel like this...but my guys moving away; states away from me that is...=/.
 

rikubaka67

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Most poetry is about that, which is why I focus on the technical things. Glad I could help. Keep it up. =D

yeah, that day that I wrote it, I had just spent all morning with him at choir rehersal and I couldn't talk to him, but I was feeling pretty crappy for reasons mentioned in the poem. So, I just had to write it to make me feel better.
 

rikubaka67

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haha. sorry about the double post, but I have another poem. of course, it's about the same guy as the last one XD (I wrote this in the middle of the night last night, and I know it's kinda stupid, but usually when I write poetry it's for a release of emotion, and that's the way I was feeling)


"All I Want"

All I want is to be with you...
To be held in your arms...
For you to kiss my lips...
For you to touch my cheek with your hand...

To hear the words "I Love You"...
from the bottom of your heart to mine...
With love so deep, even death can't split us...

More than all of the riches in the world...
More than the world itself...
even more than life...

Nothing is worth more than your love...


Is that too much to ask?
 

its_beca

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rikubaka67 said:
"All I Want"

All I want is to be with you...
To be held in your arms...
For you to kiss my lips...
For you to touch my cheek with your hand...

To hear the words "I Love You"...
from the bottom of your heart to mine...
With love so deep, even death can't split us...

More than all of the riches in the world...
More than the world itself...
even more than life...

Nothing is worth more than your love...


Is that too much to ask?
Good, good, good. Until the 3rd stanza anyway, then it's just cliche. But the last line, love it. =3
 
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