My Poem [C and C please/Heck NO, it's not a rhyming poem, deal with it k?]

[Danica Syer]

Okay I'm going to give a try at FREEVERSE poetry because as far as it goes, I'm no good at RHYMING POETRY.

This is based on a real-life experience. I know I'm NOT good at Poems.
So if you want to criticize it, go ahead. I don't care if you do so, it's good that I need
ones about improving. I also realized some words I could of change but couldn't think up at the other ones at the moment. I wrote this when I felt like venting/pouring out my thoughts. Comment also please! BTW, if I sound repetitive, yeah, yeah, I know. >_<


Title: Buried in My Sanctuary

NOTE: I still don't know the title for it, any suggestions would be nice.

Poem:

It is like a battlefield of raging words around here
The walls continue to shake inconsistently
I can’t run because I’m here, paralyzed.
As the anger seeps through whizzing by outside
I need place to escape this ongoing turmoil
And make myself deaf with a peaceful melody
And be buried this sanctuary I created
So I wouldn’t have to cope with this unforgivable temperament
I won’t have to deal with the ones who brings torment
He could go bug those who keep answering him
While I lock myself within my own running thoughts
And as long as I’m here and stuck for periods of time
The raging words is creeping behind me
But I block it out with a melody placed inside my head
Alone here, my tears continously flood
Because having a person like him around
Makes the pain embbeded within me, increase.
And I don’t want to be around here
Any longer to suffer this distressing wrath
I want to be abandoned in my neverending dream,
Until it is over forever.


FYI: I suck at rhyming poems. I’m pretty much okay with Freeverse. So if your gonna diss it not being a RHYMING poem, DON’T say I didn’t care to inform you.

 

[revarai20]

So nobody commented on it yet? I like it. I'm so sad that it happened to you in real life. I love the words. Unforgivable temperant. Wow sounds nice. Great poem, Candy!

 

[Danica Syer]

This is lame. You post something and nobody answers. >_> Anyway then, thanks for the compliment Kels, in ways it has happened. I guess they don't know what FREEVERSE poetry is. Only rhyming and if it's not one, what's wrong with a freeverse poem? Great. I started a thread for nothing.

 

[xx kairi xx]

:/ You use 'I' too much, which affects the flow. There isnt much of a rythem either due to the use of too many connectives. I think You'd benefit from using enjambement and endstopping to give it more structure and maybe condensing a few of the longer sentences.
Apart from that though i think its pretty good. you express your emotion well and create pretty good imagery ^_^

 

[Danica Syer]

Thanks for your advice on the poem as I really needed it. Yeah, I need to lessen the I and the connectives and the rhythm as well. I think using long sentences may be of use as well! Also I will definitely try and correct it as well! Thanks for your criticism and feedback! It really made my day actually.

 

[UnnamedPerson]

I like it candy ^^ I understand poetry and enjoy it, and this is worth reading, especially since you express yourself, and your emotions through it. Not much i can say on how to improve it since Jade (xx kairi xx) already said it all but yeah, its good ^^

 

[Danica Syer]

Why thank you Roxas! Glad you liked it. ^_^ Yeah, I'm glad she did, otherwise I'd be lost since I'm seriously not a born-poet. XD Thanks for reading it and I'm glad it expresses it.

 

[Nelo Angelo]

I understood that cuz I think I know whats it about. You did good there I think for someone whose not a poet. Very heartfelt.

 

[Danica Syer]

Why thank you very much Nelo Angelo for your comment! I really appreciate it! And yeah, I was hoping for that kind of effect! ^_^

 

[Raynie]

I agree with xx kairi xx. The 'I's' do effect the rhythm of it that it almost seems to stop you while reading. I'm no expert on poetry or anything, however I do like the certain imagery it gives out, but I feel you could add a bit more emotion/feeling into it. There's also a thing with the repetativness in it, but you seem to already know that so... yeah. ;

Overall I liked it and would gladly read more from you.

 

[Danica Syer]

Thanks so much for the comment. I can fix the poem but I guess the "Is" in some part should go anyway. Yeah, some of the words, I couldn't find any other words to describe it and yeah, I think I realized why it lacks flow/rhythm since I was writing it at the moment and didn't feel like making changes. Once again, thanks for your comment and honest criticism. It means alot! Hopefully when I can remember, I'll edit the poem...^_^

 

[Candylanger]

Good poem, it has a good flow into it, and I got a strange, but good, feeling when I read this. Keep up the good work, and hope to see more poems from you^^

 

[Danica Syer]

Why thank you for your comments, it means alot! Hmm...I'll think about writing another poem and maybe then, if I do a better job, I'll post on here. >_<

 

[Daisuke_x]

It's pretty good
You show your emotion well in this poem, and it allows people to think of what you are actually talking about. However, there isn't much punctuation in it and I got confused once or twice because of it ... But other than that I liked it! It's nice to see a poem now and again that works with no rhyme scheme in it